gaius Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 You can't date some 50 year old guy and then get that upset if he falls asleep early, or has ED, or dribbles a little pee in his underpants because his prostate is growing. It's part of dating an older dude. =/ There's good reason so many women are dating younger now.
Author Goodbye Posted September 1, 2015 Author Posted September 1, 2015 i bet the OP is really good looking too In fact I am. And you know what? So is he....that's not the point.
Author Goodbye Posted September 1, 2015 Author Posted September 1, 2015 You can't date some 50 year old guy and then get that upset if he falls asleep early, or has ED, or dribbles a little pee in his underpants because his prostate is growing. It's part of dating an older dude. =/ There's good reason so many women are dating younger now. Stereotype much? 1
Author Goodbye Posted September 1, 2015 Author Posted September 1, 2015 I'll hazard a guess at he can't motivate himself because of the divorce. Maybe that's why he's broke and he just can't be bothered to put the effort in again. Some guys are like that at that age. He has been divorced for 5 years. But yes, he lost a lot in his divorce ( as did I in mine). Unfortunately I realize his divorce was probably initiated by his wife for similar reasons. He is educated and attractive, just can't seem to get his act together. It is unfortunate. My divorce sucked the life out of me but I just can't throw in the towel on life, which is kind of what I'm doing with this guy I suppose. 1
Redhead14 Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 He has been divorced for 5 years. But yes, he lost a lot in his divorce ( as did I in mine). Unfortunately I realize his divorce was probably initiated by his wife for similar reasons. He is educated and attractive, just can't seem to get his act together. It is unfortunate. My divorce sucked the life out of me but I just can't throw in the towel on life, which is kind of what I'm doing with this guy I suppose. just can't seem to get his act together -- You will be able to get your own act together if you don't have him dragging you down. sucked the life out of me -- You are right that being with this guy is doing that to you too. I'd rather be alone and struggling/unhappy for a while than with someone who doesn't enhance my life. End it today and start the process of feeling better. 1
phineas Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 Wow.. Mooches off you because he's broke, no sex drive, and he lives w-his parents? Talk about a "winning" combination. Then again, you're the one that's choosing to stay w-the guy. If you don't like the way things are, and I doubt most women would, only YOU can make the decision to leave. This. When women I know complain about the looser their with I basically tell them to put a cork in it cause they are the ones choosing to stay with him. They usually don't like being told that the solution to their problems lies with them. Oh well. 1
Gaeta Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 I am SO glad you are seeing the light !!! In June you wanted to marry this man, remember?? End it. 1
trolloperative Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 Well, I don't think you should end it so quickly. Contrary to what many people on here are saying, 50 is not old. Goodbye, you say he doesn't exercise but have you tried outdoor activities, hiking, sports, etc., to stimulate his libido? Maybe he is depressed. Does he have hobbies or things he enjoys doing outside of work? Also, I'd suggest not being such a comfortable place for him, men (people in general) need stimulation. You need to be more challenging. 1
PogoStick Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 OP sounds like a horrible person in this thread. She's in a relationship and "loves" a guy who she trashes behind his back: 1. no ambition 2. low sex drive 3. easy job 4. just blah 5. he snores 6. in HER bed (oh no!) 7. Broke -----> But wait, there's more 8. he lives with his parents 9. he's a pet 10. drinks too much coffee 11. doesn't exercise -----> hold on not finished yet 12. doesn't eat healthy 13. is a 50 y/o man child 14. really into his phone 15. and his tablet 16. needs a therapist 17. deserved his divorce 18. can't get his act together :love:I can only hope to fall in love with a woman who thinks this way about me. 3
Author Goodbye Posted September 1, 2015 Author Posted September 1, 2015 This. When women I know complain about the looser their with I basically tell them to put a cork in it cause they are the ones choosing to stay with him. They usually don't like being told that the solution to their problems lies with them. Oh well. Loser, not looser. They're not their. If you want me to put a cork in it, don't read my thread. Thanks. 2
Author Goodbye Posted September 1, 2015 Author Posted September 1, 2015 OP sounds like a horrible person in this thread. She's in a relationship and "loves" a guy who she trashes behind his back: 1. no ambition 2. low sex drive 3. easy job 4. just blah 5. he snores 6. in HER bed (oh no!) 7. Broke -----> But wait, there's more 8. he lives with his parents 9. he's a pet 10. drinks too much coffee 11. doesn't exercise -----> hold on not finished yet 12. doesn't eat healthy 13. is a 50 y/o man child 14. really into his phone 15. and his tablet 16. needs a therapist 17. deserved his divorce 18. can't get his act together :love:I can only hope to fall in love with a woman who thinks this way about me. Vents about on an anonymous board made for this purpose. I'm not putting his issues out on social media or even discussing them with mutual friends. Ok? Love is complicated. You can love someone and not love lots of behaviors. I have 3 teenagers...I love them, and yet I have plenty of things to say to the contrary. They are mine for life, however. This man is not. As I indicated at the start of this thread this is a VENT about the complexity of caring about someone who is upsetting and needing to let it all go.
Author Goodbye Posted September 1, 2015 Author Posted September 1, 2015 I am SO glad you are seeing the light !!! In June you wanted to marry this man, remember?? End it. Yes, yes. It isn't easy. Been all over the place. I readily admit that my lingering in the relationship has been fear based...fear of being alone. That, and when I've tried to end it he pulls his act together for a few weeks and then its back to the baseline, which isn't good enough. He came into my life when I was weak and provided me with comfort in the form of companionship. And I've given back to him but I can't give him anymore. Between my kids, my work, my aging parents...I am running on empty. I know I should be single and let things happen "organically." Often when you are doing what you love, the right one comes along. It can never be forced. Relationships take work, but it shouldn't feel like a day at the gym each and every day.
Author Goodbye Posted September 1, 2015 Author Posted September 1, 2015 Does he have a low sex drive or do you just have a high one? Plus, dude, he's 50. Sorry, but that's pretty old for a guy. I hope when I'm 50 my sex drive has decreased and I have more important things to do. Look at it on the bright side, at least if you go out early, you can probably get a senior citizens discount. Go for the early bird special, make sure he drinks some coffee, have him pop a Viagra, take his fiber and heart meds, and you'll be done in time for you to catch the news next time. He's 50. I'm not exactly sure what you want from him. Statistically, he's in the last quarter of his life. Get over it. Print this out, put it in your wallet and re-read it when you are 50. See how disparaging and ageist it reads. I'm in my 40's...I date men in their 40's and 50's. Lots of healthy men with normal libidos in this age group. Sure, some need "help." I have NO problem with help. 2
Gaeta Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 Goodbye: If you're divorced with 3 TEENS I lift my hat to you!! Managing a marriage and 3 children, going through a divorce, is HARD. You didn't have it easy in life. As a divorce mother of one I can only imagine the work and drama in divorcing with 3. At this time in your life, as a woman who's managed to keep it together and raising 3 teen to adulthood - what do you want your next relationship to look like? Are you ready to sign in for more drama? I know I am NOT. You know now after divorcing, that love is not enough to keep it together. This man may give you attention and companionship but as far the rest he is a burden and you should be running away from any burden because you've got your share already. You need a man that at 50 has it together just like you. 1
empresario Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 Wow, this is a depressing thread. The guy obviously doesn't care too much about you. If he did he would try harder to make you happy. You seem more like a sugar-mama to him than a girlfriend (minus the sex). The sooner you end it, the better. 1
Gaeta Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 Yes, yes. It isn't easy. Been all over the place. I readily admit that my lingering in the relationship has been fear based...fear of being alone. That, and when I've tried to end it he pulls his act together for a few weeks and then its back to the baseline, which isn't good enough. He came into my life when I was weak and provided me with comfort in the form of companionship. And I've given back to him but I can't give him anymore. Between my kids, my work, my aging parents...I am running on empty. I know I should be single and let things happen "organically." Often when you are doing what you love, the right one comes along. It can never be forced. Relationships take work, but it shouldn't feel like a day at the gym each and every day. You don't have to be alone and you don't have to quit on dating. You just have to date someone that enhances your life not someone adding to your stress. As long as you have this man in your life you are blocking the entrance for someone better to come in. 1
Redhead14 Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 Ok, now I'm just venting. I should be done with this guy, but I guess part of me is lonely and a little desperate, part of me really loves him. He isn't right for me. He isn't ambitious and he has a low sex drive. I FINALLY have my house to myself tonight. My kids rarely go to their dads. I took bf out for a nice dinner, go to the bathroom to brush my teeth, come out and he is snoring on my bed. Seriously, am I that boring? No...his job isn't challenging, he isn't exhausted, he wasn't drinking...he is just blah. Sex isn't important to him and it is to me. So I didn't feel like laying there listening to his snoring in MY cozy bed...sleeping in the freaking guest room on my one night away from my kids. This sucks. Note to self: get some self esteem and find someone new. Why do I love him? Because he is very sweet and kind and has been through a lot of the same **** in a horrid divorce...feel like we are both survivors in a way...kindred spirits. but that isn't enough to keep us together for me. Plus I pay for everything as he is broke, and that just isn't romantic for me. Maybe if it was just one thing...but taking him out to dinner only to have him snoozing away at 8:30 pm...f-that. I'm too emotionally worn out to even deal with it. I will break up with him soon. But for tonight, I sleep alone. Sucks. Because he is very sweet and kind and has been through a lot of the same **** in a horrid divorce...feel like we are both survivors in a way...kindred spirits. but that isn't enough to keep us together for me. -- These are not things that support a decision to stay with someone. The ability and desire to meet another persons needs are what's important. How do they make you feel? Do they support you emotionally? Do they provide you with security in the relationship? Are they responsible? Are they emotionally healthy? Do they put as much effort into the relationship as you do? You are doing all the work in this one. I didn't see anything about how long you've been with him, but if it is less than a year, I wouldn't waste another minute on him. If it's been longer than that, I would demand that he put effort into getting some help and observe whether he actually starts doing that. Put a time limit on it for yourself because some times people will say they will do whatever they need to do and then revert back to the old ways. Maybe a period of 3 months or 6 depending on how much you do love him. Don't string yourself along waiting for someone to change especially if they are 50 years old.
jen1447 Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 He's 50. I'm not exactly sure what you want from him. Statistically, he's in the last quarter of his life. Get over it. I hope not - life expectancy is 67 now? Goodbye, sounds like you're finally finding the resolution you need. It's too bad but it needs to be done. It'll be better for both of you in the long run. 1
Gaeta Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 ....feel like we are both survivors in a way...kindred spirits. but that isn't enough to keep us together for me. This just jumped at me. You are a survivor, not him. I don't call someone a survivor that 5 years after a divorce is living at his parents, I don't call survivor someone that does odd jobs here and there for pocket money instead of getting a full time job moving rocks to pay the bills. He is doing as little as possible and this in every facet of his life, that's not a survivor. You manage and provide for yourself, 3 children, aging parents and you treat him to restaurant because he wants to spend his time doing photography for crumbs instead of getting his @ss in the work field. That's not a survivor and I will refrain from saying what he is... 1
Author Goodbye Posted September 1, 2015 Author Posted September 1, 2015 You don't have to be alone and you don't have to quit on dating. You just have to date someone that enhances your life not someone adding to your stress. As long as you have this man in your life you are blocking the entrance for someone better to come in. Yes. I just need to take a hiatus from the divorcee dating scene and really figure out what it is (if anything) I'm looking for in a relationship.
angel.eyes Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 It sounds as if you feel guilty about dumping him since he was there for you at your nadir. But, it also sounds as if you've given even more support to him since. At this point, you're doing him a disservice by continuing to tolerate things. Dumping him is probably the wake-up call he needs to go find a therapist, deal with his issues, and start getting his life back on track. As long as you're there putting a bandaid on bad behavior, he has no impetus to change. You didn't kick him when he fell down. He's been down for the count for FIVE long years!! By leaving, you're actually helping him realize that he has to stand back up. You're also doing yourself a disservice. Focusing your time and energy on a dead-end relationship is keeping you from finding an emotionally healthy man who could actually meet your needs and bring some much-needed positive energy and light into your life. Yes, yes. It isn't easy. Been all over the place. I readily admit that my lingering in the relationship has been fear based...fear of being alone. That, and when I've tried to end it he pulls his act together for a few weeks and then its back to the baseline, which isn't good enough. He came into my life when I was weak and provided me with comfort in the form of companionship. And I've given back to him but I can't give him anymore. Between my kids, my work, my aging parents...I am running on empty. I know I should be single and let things happen "organically." Often when you are doing what you love, the right one comes along. It can never be forced. Relationships take work, but it shouldn't feel like a day at the gym each and every day. 2
Redhead14 Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 Yes. I just need to take a hiatus from the divorcee dating scene and really figure out what it is (if anything) I'm looking for in a relationship. Well, you at least now know what you don't want A break would be a good thing. Get yourself centered and focused on your needs and do things for yourself that make you happy. When you do that, it will be so much easier when you do date. A man should only enhance the happiness she already has for/with herself, not bring all of it to her. You're an awesome, strong woman. Rest on that fact for a while.
HereNorThere Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 I hope not - life expectancy is 67 now? For a male in his condition, sure, it's not far off. The life expectancy of a HEALTHY male is still only mid 70's. When you factor in all his risk factors (poor diet, no exercise, snoring (sleep apnea) etc.) I don't think it's too far to assume he's writing the final chapters of his life.
jen1447 Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 For a male in his condition, sure, it's not far off. The life expectancy of a HEALTHY male is still only mid 70's. When you factor in all his risk factors (poor diet, no exercise, snoring (sleep apnea) etc.) I don't think it's too far to assume he's writing the final chapters of his life. All we have to go on is average life expectancy, which for males in the US is ~76. Divided into quarters that's 1-19, 20-38, 39-57, 58-76. He's firmly in quarter 3. 2
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