Space??!!

[lola59]

More to this, like what?

[Redhead14]

Hindsight is 20/20 and it sucks because I can see now how awful I've been.

If we got in a fight, I am of the "flight" school. I would leave the house and just drive until I calmed down. Even after that he would still come to me and say we need to talk about this and resolve it. And I would get more mad.

 

One thing that would make me mad is when I would be in the throes of PMDD and he would tell me I need help to get my hormones checked and regulated. And I would be completely unreceptive to him.

 

Looking back at everything I feel just awful. He was being so loving to me and patient. And I took it for granted. (I've already said all of this to him-so he knows).

That's not how you treat someone you love.

I set up an appointment to go to counseling, it was gonna be couples counseling. But he's refusing to go because in the past he suggested we go and I refused.

I also am going to get my hormones checked-I have to wait for a specific day of my cycle so I have to wait until next month to do that.

 

And I already know why I'm like this - hormones and my mother. My mother is this way to my dad. She gets mad at him over everything. And I apparently am taking after her. But now that I see that I can change it.

 

Mind you, this was not a constant thing. And he knows this too, he acknowledged that. It was a good 2 weeks of the month my cycle causes me to get like this. And the other 2weeks perfectly fine - no fights whatsoever. I treat him kindly and good and lovingly. He said recently though it was starting to get worse, turning into 3 weeks a month. And he just couldn't take it anymore, he had his breaking point. He said he almost broke up with me after the last fight. But he didn't.

 

Another thing that I would, to him, get mad about is when he'd turn music up really loud. And he said little things like that about himself he changed for me, more than just that. And that's what is going on, he feels like he's changed so many things to accommodate me and he's trying to get back to being himself and happy. And I never asked him to change anything. He said he did to make me happy.

 

We are a team too. The only we don't do well together is shopping. We usually walk the dogs together, not lately though, just he is.

 

It was a good 2 weeks of the month my cycle causes me to get like this. -- If your menstrual cycle is causing you to behave so eradically or emotionally as to create these kinds of issues, have you discussed this with your doctor? Perhaps there is a hormonal/ob-gyn problem that can be addressed. Most women have a little mood swing, etc. but not so signi-

ficant as to cause them to be so difficult. It's worth investigating.

 

But, you do need to leave for a while. It's getting to the point where it will be out of control if not already.

[katiegrl]

More to this, like what?

 

Like are you sure he was with your *neighbors* last Saturday night?

 

Just seems odd that he would suddenly need his back shaved to go to neighbors on a Saturday night -- and your anniversary no less.

 

Nice to you that day (he needed his back shaved after all) ..... then gets back and is straight to the couch again. Something does not sound quite right about that, sorry.

 

I also don't like that he is blaming HIS cold, distant (and IMO cruel) behavior all on YOU. And YOU are more than happy to take ALL the blame too.

 

He is a grown man, he has a mouth and a voice.

 

He could have (and should have) spoken up and communicated BEFORE it got to the point where he completely shuts down and doesn't want to speak or interact with you ....let alone sleep with you!

 

There is more to what's going on with him than you being moody for two weeks out of the month (as alluded to above).... He is more than happy to blame it all on you though - the perfect excuse -- blame the woman so she doesn't ask questions!

 

I think you need to leave the house also, but at the very least, get some individual counseling from a qualified family and marriage therapist .... to find better and healthier ways to cope with all this.

 

Ideally, couples counseling is best, but if he won't, go yourself.

Edited September 8, 2015 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

In addition, what were your *fights* about that caused you to get so angry and take "flight"?

 

What was HIS role in these fights?

 

People don't get angry for no reason, and I am talking about you getting so angry that you either left or shut down yourself. Prior to all this!

 

Don't dismiss HIS role in that.

 

Like I said, he is more than happy to blame all this on you, but you simply cannot allow him to do that.

 

You were BOTH responsible for your fights, etc.

 

Okay, you may have overacted, or maybe not! It depends on what transpired to cause the fights in the first place.

 

For example, if he was being insensitive, inconsiderate, cold, mean or whatever, then your anger would be justified.

 

Stop taking all the blame! The way he is behaving now is not all your fault, and do not allow him to convince you it is.

[lola59]

That's just it though, me getting mad was never justified, there was no reason for it - I was over emotional.

He was never insensitive, cold, or mean. Ever. He always took the time and patience with me during those times. For example, I would get mad if we had to be somewhere and he took long getting ready. That's just him, he was never trying to intentionally make us late. Since I've known him, he has been like that. I'm an early person, I like to be places early. It's just a difference we have. I have no excuse for getting mad and being cold and mean towards him about that. Is that justified behavior on my part? And I feel bad for treating him like - and for what - for being 5 minutes late somewhere. He doesn't deserve that. I wish I could go back and change things. But I cant. I can only take responsibility for it.

And I'm not just trying to defend him, well a little bit of me is because he's not on this board to defend himself. But he is a good man and he has been good to me and I don't want to lose him!!

 

Maybe he is punishing me and maybe he is done putting up with me - but I'm going to try my hardest to keep this relationship. Yes it will be work on both parts, but I'm willing to do it.

 

I understand the stance of me leaving, you all agree on that. But I know him and he would see it as me giving up, not just on us, but on him. And I owe it to him to not give up, he didn't give up on me. He still hasn't given up on me. He is setting boundaries and punishing me maybe, but he still, after all of it, hasn't yet given up.

 

Maybe it isn't all my fault. Maybe he could have taken this stand way before it got this bad. But he did try. Many times. I am taking my responsibility in all of this. He does recognize that he shouldn't have let it get to this point either, that we should have worked on it long ago. He wanted to go counseling -I'm the one who rejected it. So, a big part of this is all on me.

 

I appreciate your concern and advice, very much. I just know the dynamics of the relationship and what I need to do. It's not taking a toll on me yet, I'm just stressed about it, but I'm not losing my mind.

[Redhead14]

That's just it though, me getting mad was never justified, there was no reason for it - I was over emotional.

He was never insensitive, cold, or mean. Ever. He always took the time and patience with me during those times. For example, I would get mad if we had to be somewhere and he took long getting ready. That's just him, he was never trying to intentionally make us late. Since I've known him, he has been like that. I'm an early person, I like to be places early. It's just a difference we have. I have no excuse for getting mad and being cold and mean towards him about that. Is that justified behavior on my part? And I feel bad for treating him like - and for what - for being 5 minutes late somewhere. He doesn't deserve that. I wish I could go back and change things. But I cant. I can only take responsibility for it.

And I'm not just trying to defend him, well a little bit of me is because he's not on this board to defend himself. But he is a good man and he has been good to me and I don't want to lose him!!

 

Maybe he is punishing me and maybe he is done putting up with me - but I'm going to try my hardest to keep this relationship. Yes it will be work on both parts, but I'm willing to do it.

 

I understand the stance of me leaving, you all agree on that. But I know him and he would see it as me giving up, not just on us, but on him. And I owe it to him to not give up, he didn't give up on me. He still hasn't given up on me. He is setting boundaries and punishing me maybe, but he still, after all of it, hasn't yet given up.

 

Maybe it isn't all my fault. Maybe he could have taken this stand way before it got this bad. But he did try. Many times. I am taking my responsibility in all of this. He does recognize that he shouldn't have let it get to this point either, that we should have worked on it long ago. He wanted to go counseling -I'm the one who rejected it. So, a big part of this is all on me.

 

I appreciate your concern and advice, very much. I just know the dynamics of the relationship and what I need to do. It's not taking a toll on me yet, I'm just stressed about it, but I'm not losing my mind.

 

But I know him and he would see it as me giving up, not just on us, but on him. -- You leaving for a few days is not about giving up, it's about giving yourself the opportunity to not have all this stress in your faces and to be able to get centered and focused. I guarantee you that if this goes on much longer for you, and given your "emotionalness", you will at some point go off on him and that will certainly push it over the edge. Like when that "two weeks" comes around again. Leaving should be viewed kinda like a tea kettle. The kettle is boiling and the steam is being released a little at a time.

 

Explain that you are not leaving the relationship. You need some time away from the situation because it's causing you to be stressed and walking on eggshells.

[katiegrl]

Okay Lola, thank you for clarifying.

 

So back to the here and now. He has SHUT DOWN. Does not know how he feels. About you, about the relationship ...he sounds numb.

 

This is what you have to deal with now....

 

If he refuses couples counseling, then I still suggest you go yourself - individual counseling.

 

You have a long road ahead of you.

 

Wish you the best.....

[katiegrl]

But I know him and he would see it as me giving up, not just on us, but on him. -- You leaving for a few days is not about giving up, it's about giving yourself the opportunity to not have all this stress in your faces and to be able to get centered and focused. I guarantee you that if this goes on much longer for you, and given your "emotionalness", you will at some point go off on him and that will certainly push it over the edge. Like when that "two weeks" comes around again. Leaving should be viewed kinda like a tea kettle. The kettle is boiling and the steam is being released a little at a time.

 

Explain that you are not leaving the relationship. You need some time away from the situation because it's causing you to be stressed and walking on eggshells.

 

This ^^^. Perfect!!!!!

[GemmaUK]

Lola, get that appointment for hormones booked, let him know why you have to wait and let him know when the appointment is booked. Also explain to the doc exactly how much you change when you are having an episode.

It could also be that you have got yourself into a habit - he was so patient that you unconsciously or even somewhat consciously continued the behaviour longer than you were actually in the episode.

Get some counselling for you - if nothing else I think it could do you the world of good for just you.

 

Don't move out!!! That will only display the exact same behaviour that he can't take anymore.

 

It does sound like he has tried all he can try - maybe not the best to suggest hormone checks when you are in the throes of a PMDD episode but he is aware that there's an issue that can most likely be got under control with some help from doctors.

It's really not an easy thing to suggest anything like that and not easy to hear either.

Did you get that book I suggested yet? I do absolutely think it'll help and he might benefit from reading it too.

 

I think you two will be alright, he just needs the patience returned that he gave you. I think he initially did this because he figured there was nothing else left to try but to do the same as you do so that you would understand how it feels. Neither one of you wants out but this is your opportunity to try some things to get back on track and live a happier life in general.

What has happened has made you see what was going on and you're taking responsibility for it. I admire that.

Don't forget along the way you'll have good days and bad days - we each do. It's OK.

 

Have you suggested that you both take the doggies out like you used to? Simple things like that could be good for you/you both right now.

 

Re: some of the other recent posts here, OP has said they are speaking and he is not ignoring her and she has said she is not walking on eggshells.

[ExpatInItaly]

More to this, like what?

 

That he's not in love anymore.

 

That someone else could have caught his attention.

 

That he feels guilty because he knows you have been together a long time but he isn't able to muster up the feelings he once had for you.

 

Him refusing to even share a bed with you for so long is a bad sign. He is totally avoiding any intimate contact with you. He is either much angrier at you than you realize or he just doesn't feel it anymore. I'm guessing it's a combination of both.

 

Just speculating but his behaviour is throwing up all kinds of red flags too.

[lola59]

Lola, get that appointment for hormones booked, let him know why you have to wait and let him know when the appointment is booked. Also explain to the doc exactly how much you change when you are having an episode.

It could also be that you have got yourself into a habit - he was so patient that you unconsciously or even somewhat consciously continued the behaviour longer than you were actually in the episode.

Get some counselling for you - if nothing else I think it could do you the world of good for just you.

 

Don't move out!!! That will only display the exact same behaviour that he can't take anymore.

 

It does sound like he has tried all he can try - maybe not the best to suggest hormone checks when you are in the throes of a PMDD episode but he is aware that there's an issue that can most likely be got under control with some help from doctors.

It's really not an easy thing to suggest anything like that and not easy to hear either.

Did you get that book I suggested yet? I do absolutely think it'll help and he might benefit from reading it too.

 

I think you two will be alright, he just needs the patience returned that he gave you. I think he initially did this because he figured there was nothing else left to try but to do the same as you do so that you would understand how it feels. Neither one of you wants out but this is your opportunity to try some things to get back on track and live a happier life in general.

What has happened has made you see what was going on and you're taking responsibility for it. I admire that.

Don't forget along the way you'll have good days and bad days - we each do. It's OK.

 

Have you suggested that you both take the doggies out like you used to? Simple things like that could be good for you/you both right now.

 

Re: some of the other recent posts here, OP has said they are speaking and he is not ignoring her and she has said she is not walking on eggshells.

 

 

Gemma, thank you, your advice has been spot on. I feel like you know the situation as well as I do. I've been heeding your advice.

Unfortunately I've been letting other comments get in my head and create doubt, ignoring my own instinct. And we had a setback last night.

I asked him about the relationship again saying I feel like he is ambivalent and just that I wondered if he truly wanted it to be over. I asked very calmly and didn't try to argue. He got extremely angry over this.

He said this could have gone two ways. "I could have taken a step back for myself or I could have broken up with you." He said, "I chose to take a step back and not break up with you."

He was very angry.

I feel like now after all the progress we were making I just messed it up

But like you said there will be good days and bad. So hopefully this won't set us back too bad...

But now I just worry I pushed him over the edge...

 

He even pointed out the progress that we were talking again but now who knows how it will be today....

 

What can I do to smooth things over from last night?

[Redhead14]

Gemma, thank you, your advice has been spot on. I feel like you know the situation as well as I do. I've been heeding your advice.

Unfortunately I've been letting other comments get in my head and create doubt, ignoring my own instinct. And we had a setback last night.

I asked him about the relationship again saying I feel like he is ambivalent and just that I wondered if he truly wanted it to be over. I asked very calmly and didn't try to argue. He got extremely angry over this.

He said this could have gone two ways. "I could have taken a step back for myself or I could have broken up with you." He said, "I chose to take a step back and not break up with you."

He was very angry.

I feel like now after all the progress we were making I just messed it up ��

But like you said there will be good days and bad. So hopefully this won't set us back too bad...

But now I just worry I pushed him over the edge...

 

He even pointed out the progress that we were talking again �� but now who knows how it will be today....

 

What can I do to smooth things over from last night?

 

The majority of the people here have told you that since he asked for space you should be giving him a ton of space and letting him come to you. Not to keep trying to address the issue. I asked him about the relationship again All it does is set him back each time. Again, leave it alone. Leave the house for a few days or so.

 

Don't do anything to "smooth" things over from last night. Anything you say or do now is only going to irritate him. You saw his reaction. He is clearly not ready to engage you in any discussions even after a month!

 

But now I just worry I pushed him over the edge... -- You have pushed him closer the edge at least. Don't push him further.

 

He even pointed out the progress that we were talking again -- when you are making progress with something it's because you're doing something right which in this case was not "picking" at the problem and letting him come out for himself. When you're making progress with something, you don't change what you're doing . . . you were giving him space. If anything, you give him more space than he wants.

Edited September 9, 2015 by Redhead14

[lola59]

Thank you Redhead, your advice has been great as well.

I made sure I was already gone for work before he woke up this morning.

I'm going to keep away for a while. But moving out not an option especially after he made it clear he does not want to break up. Well, who knows now, maybe I pushed him to that point.

 

And I am going to NOT say anything AT ALL about us or him. Geez. I keep picking at it, but I had all of these doubts circling in my head over me and him and if he was trying to push me to break up or if he had a different agenda, from other comments, not just on here, but from a friend.

 

I am going to pretty much not talk to him today. He usually calls me at lunch but he might be too mad to even do that today. I don't know.

 

And just to point out - we have talked, a lot over the weekend about everything - he has been talking and we have been talking. There is no silent treatment, the talking was actually back to normal the last few days - especially yesterday. But me keeping on bringing it up is what is irritating him.

[ExpatInItaly]

If he's still refusing to talk about it after this much time, you have a big problem. It apparently doesn't matter how calm you are when you speak to him. He doesn't want to hear it. You're facing an enormous uphill climb if and when he decides he actually wants to work on this; he's got some serious bitterness and anger aimed at you.

 

Leave him completely alone. Go and stay with a friend or family member for a few days. I would have done so a while ago, and yes, I am speaking from experience. Give him space (real space) from here to China. Not for his sake, but also for yours. He isn't willing to work on this right now. You're clearly distressed. You can't really do anything to smooth things over from last night. He doesn't want to hear it.

 

At some point, something's got to give. You two simply can't go on behaving like a broken-up couple yet still living under the same roof.

[Redhead14]

If he's still refusing to talk about it after this much time, you have a big problem. It apparently doesn't matter how calm you are when you speak to him. He doesn't want to hear it. You're facing an enormous uphill climb if and when he decides he actually wants to work on this; he's got some serious bitterness and anger aimed at you.

 

Leave him completely alone. Go and stay with a friend or family member for a few days. I would have done so a while ago, and yes, I am speaking from experience. Give him space (real space) from here to China. Not for his sake, but also for yours. He isn't willing to work on this right now. You're clearly distressed. You can't really do anything to smooth things over from last night. He doesn't want to hear it.

 

At some point, something's got to give. You two simply can't go on behaving like a broken-up couple yet still living under the same roof.

 

After 30 years of marriage, a two year engagement and currently in a long-term loving relationship, I've seen periods when something was just bugging one or the other of us and just didn't feel like talking, but when one of us realized what was going on, the other one would simply go on with what they had to do and busy with other things for a couple of days. Then the one who wanted a little room, would come around. There was one time early in my marriage when he needed some space after working long hours and some other stressors for him that weren't clear to me. I kept trying to get him to talk. It lasted about a week and I started spending more time with family and friends and not being around as much in the evenings, etc. I was cheery and respectful during that time so he understood I was angry with him or didn't want him. But, he noticed my "absence". He came to me a couple of days later and spilled his guts about what was on his mind. And, that never happened again at least to that extent.

 

You know exactly what's going on with him and why he is angry with you. He just told you that he would have broken up with you if that's what he was thinking. He said he's just taking a step back. When he's ready he'll take a step forward again unless you keep pushing him backwards.

[katiegrl]

Lola, I realize you don't like my advice because it is not what you want to hear, and I am not on your boyfriend's side here. I am on your side and I want what's best for you!

 

However, I would like to point out that in an earlier post, you had not only said that your best friend (who knows you, knows your boyfriend and knows your relationship) agrees with me, but you also said that most of us (all but one poster) were seemingly *right,* after all, and this made you sad.

 

I would also like to point out that NO ONE asked you to flat out confront him about the relationship status. No one.

 

To the contrary, we have been advocating the exact opposite, that you leave him the hell alone and give him the space he has been needing for weeks!

 

Not sure why you chose to confront him, but you did. And my only response is if you can't even *calmly* ask your boyfriend of five years, after HE has been shutting you out for over a month now, where you stand, and what his thoughts are re the relationship, without him getting angry, so angry that you *fear* you have "pushed him over the edge" ...then sweetie your problems with this man go much deeper than even I originally thought.

 

I 100% agree with Redhead and Expatinitaly and your best friend...and even though you may not like it, I think you should listen to everything they say and follow their advice. And I also speak from experience.

 

My own dad was very much like your boyfriend. After ten years of marriage, he began to shut my mom out and blocked any further intimacy between them. My mom was moody and difficult also, but dad kept it all in until he just shut down completely. Slept in another bedroom for one year, until he fell in love with another woman, moved out and married her a year later.

 

My mom and her self esteem never truly recovered, she was incapable of trusting another man after that. She passed away last year, never having found love again.

 

I would hate to see that happen to you.

 

Good kuck.

Edited September 9, 2015 by katiegrl

[Redhead14]

After 30 years of marriage, a two year engagement and currently in a long-term loving relationship, I've seen periods when something was just bugging one or the other of us and just didn't feel like talking, but when one of us realized what was going on, the other one would simply go on with what they had to do and busy with other things for a couple of days. Then the one who wanted a little room, would come around. There was one time early in my marriage when he needed some space after working long hours and some other stressors for him that weren't clear to me. I kept trying to get him to talk. It lasted about a week and I started spending more time with family and friends and not being around as much in the evenings, etc. I was cheery and respectful during that time so he understood I was angry with him or didn't want him. But, he noticed my "absence". He came to me a couple of days later and spilled his guts about what was on his mind. And, that never happened again at least to that extent.

 

You know exactly what's going on with him and why he is angry with you. He just told you that he would have broken up with you if that's what he was thinking. He said he's just taking a step back. When he's ready he'll take a step forward again unless you keep pushing him backwards.

 

I mean't "so he understood I wasn't angry . . . "

[GemmaUK]

Gemma, thank you, your advice has been spot on. I feel like you know the situation as well as I do. I've been heeding your advice.

Unfortunately I've been letting other comments get in my head and create doubt, ignoring my own instinct. And we had a setback last night.

I asked him about the relationship again saying I feel like he is ambivalent and just that I wondered if he truly wanted it to be over. I asked very calmly and didn't try to argue. He got extremely angry over this.

He said this could have gone two ways. "I could have taken a step back for myself or I could have broken up with you." He said, "I chose to take a step back and not break up with you."

He was very angry.

I feel like now after all the progress we were making I just messed it up

But like you said there will be good days and bad. So hopefully this won't set us back too bad...

But now I just worry I pushed him over the edge...

 

He even pointed out the progress that we were talking again but now who knows how it will be today....

 

What can I do to smooth things over from last night?

 

You go right back to being consistent and continue with progress again.

Don't worry nor feel anxious. Those feelings are not worth your time and energy just now. You have other things going on. Breathe deeply and let worry over last night go.

 

However, I think you calmly but firmly need to address him getting angry at you. Pretty much as someone at work would if anger was displayed at work.

Simply tell him that if he starts shouting when you ask or say something then it's natural not to want to be around that kind of behaviour so he will just drive you away. He has displayed anger 2/3 times the past few days so you have enough instances to use as examples which are very recent.

Shouting/anger displays is disrespectful and something you both need to ensure is not in the mix right now as it does nothing other than create a worse atmosphere.

If he feels angry he can get himself to the gym - same for you if you do too.

I would address that with him as soon as possible while last night is still fresh.

If he blows up you go silent but stay put in the room. Let him shout it out until he realises shouting gets him no response.

Treat it like training your dogs - seriously!

 

 

He has to be made aware that for steps to be taken forward you need to express yourself otherwise the communication he wants (and you want to) is just going to be stunted. He has to give you a chance to express yourself.

 

Be prepared that things could get worse before they get better but also, stick up for yourself.

[GemmaUK]

Thank you Redhead, your advice has been great as well.

I made sure I was already gone for work before he woke up this morning.

I'm going to keep away for a while. But moving out not an option especially after he made it clear he does not want to break up. Well, who knows now, maybe I pushed him to that point.

 

And I am going to NOT say anything AT ALL about us or him. Geez. I keep picking at it, but I had all of these doubts circling in my head over me and him and if he was trying to push me to break up or if he had a different agenda, from other comments, not just on here, but from a friend.

 

I am going to pretty much not talk to him today. He usually calls me at lunch but he might be too mad to even do that today. I don't know.

 

And just to point out - we have talked, a lot over the weekend about everything - he has been talking and we have been talking. There is no silent treatment, the talking was actually back to normal the last few days - especially yesterday. But me keeping on bringing it up is what is irritating him.

 

 

 

OK, I missed this one, only just saw it.

 

If he was only getting angry because you were picking at it then I can understand that a lot more on his behalf so maybe you don't need to address that. Don't be a broken CD which plays the same line over and over.

The way to not do that goes right back to consistency again.

But if he does ever get angry you might want to bear in mind addressing it.

 

Having read Redhead's post I think it could be a good idea to arrange a few things to do with friends and family, pre-planned things so that you do create a little healthy space between you both.

Relationship stuff can be really tough and your weekend will have been tough and exhausting for you both more than you realise. Knowing you both have breaks to look forward to to do your own things is a good thing.

[Redhead14]

Thank you Redhead, your advice has been great as well.

I made sure I was already gone for work before he woke up this morning.

I'm going to keep away for a while. But moving out not an option especially after he made it clear he does not want to break up. Well, who knows now, maybe I pushed him to that point.

 

And I am going to NOT say anything AT ALL about us or him. Geez. I keep picking at it, but I had all of these doubts circling in my head over me and him and if he was trying to push me to break up or if he had a different agenda, from other comments, not just on here, but from a friend.

 

I am going to pretty much not talk to him today. He usually calls me at lunch but he might be too mad to even do that today. I don't know.

 

And just to point out - we have talked, a lot over the weekend about everything - he has been talking and we have been talking. There is no silent treatment, the talking was actually back to normal the last few days - especially yesterday. But me keeping on bringing it up is what is irritating him.

 

doubts circling in my head -- Get out of his head and out of yours too. Stop trying to read his mind. from other comments, not just on here, but from a friend. -- they are reading his mind too. We have not told you that he is trying to break up with you. We told you that since you didn't know exactly what he was thinking, you should let him do the thinking he needs to do and not project into it.

 

Now he has told you out right that he's taking a step back from you, not breaking up. So let him continue his "process". And, mind you now, you have basically reset the process so now it's going to take longer and require additional patience on your part.

But moving out not an option especially after he made it clear he does not want to break up -- YOU WOULD NOT BE MOVING OUT. YOU WOULD BE TAKING SOME SPACE FOR YOURSELF AND TO RELIEVE THE PRESSURE ON THE SITUATION FOR A FEW DAYS. Now that you've irritated him AGAIN, I think it is now even more important to do this. It will make it less likely for you to make that mistake again. You explain that the situation is difficult for you and you need a break from it too. You have needs as well.

 

Be gone and as much as you possibly can. But me keeping on bringing it up is what is irritating him. -- Now you should be able to clearly understand why we are telling you to leave him alone. You've learned something with this "misstep". Don't do it again no matter what. Wait for him to go there.

 

Get off the tightrope and eggshells and be strong.

[katiegrl]

That he's not in love anymore.

 

That someone else could have caught his attention.

 

That he feels guilty because he knows you have been together a long time but he isn't able to muster up the feelings he once had for you.

 

Him refusing to even share a bed with you for so long is a bad sign. He is totally avoiding any intimate contact with you. He is either much angrier at you than you realize or he just doesn't feel it anymore. I'm guessing it's a combination of both.

 

Just speculating but his behaviour is throwing up all kinds of red flags too.

 

I just have to speak up here ...I agree with what Expat says above

 

That it's very possible someone else has caught his attention.

 

Between him going out last Saturday night (and him needing his back shaved beforehand) to him suddenly going out more (in general) which you said in a prior post, yeah something is definitely up IMO...

 

Where does he go? Does he tell you? Is it at night ....during the day?

 

Is this one of the things you confronted him about?

 

Because if you did, please know that his angry reaction is very common and typical of a man who is cheating.

 

To 100% deny it, and get mad at YOU for asking!

 

In fact, his anger is a manipulation and intimidation tactic to instill fear ..... because he does not want you asking him again!

 

Same for when you *asked* him if he wants to break up.

 

Deny it and get mad at YOU for asking. Manipulation and intimidation in an attempt to instill fear...so you don't bother him again.

 

Mission accomplished, since that is precisely how you feel

 

He is dependent on you still emotionally ... and is not yet emotionally ready to leave.

 

And he feels guilty.... hence the denial and subsequent anger.

 

I implore you to listen to everything Redhead is saying.

 

I did not mention before, but the entire year my dad was sleeping in the other bedroom, and telling my mom he did NOT want a divorce, he was having an affair with the woman he eventually left my mom for ....and married....

 

Two of my brothers did not blame him cause like I said my mom was pretty horrible to him throughout the years, but still she did not deserve what he did to her....

Edited September 9, 2015 by katiegrl

[lola59]

I understand you are on my side and looking out for my interests. But why on earth would he not break up with me if he had another girl on the side? He chose to continue our relationship. He chose not to break up with me - with many opportunities to do it. There is absolutely NO logic in thinking he is seeing another girl right now...

If he wanted to be with another girl, he would be with another girl and not be with me. Especially with our relationship in such conflict right now. He's a very direct and straight forward guy and he's proven that time and again.

 

And yes he is going EXACTLY where he says he is going, every time. I can verify every single time. He could easily say the same thing about me. Oh, she left for work early this morning, was she meeting up with someone? Or, she got home from work 2 hours later than normal, is she meeting up with another guy? Is that logical for me to be doing the same thing? I cannot even think about another man right now. Just because someone else is that way doesn't make everyone else that way. He's trying to get space from me and I'm doing the same. There is no shadiness to that. Meeting his family for dinner, does not mean he is meeting up with a girl.

 

If I thought he was seeing someone else, we would certainly be done by now. I don't put up with that, especially coming from past relationships where that did happen. And he knows all of that too. You guys are vilifying him for wanting space from me so we can save our relationship. He could've broken up with me, but he didn't. I think that right there shows how much he loves me.

 

This is an example of doubt trying to be created in my head - when there is no need for it.

[katiegrl]

I understand you are on my side and looking out for my interests. But why on earth would he not break up with me if he had another girl on the side? He chose to continue our relationship. He chose not to break up with me - with many opportunities to do it. There is absolutely NO logic in thinking he is seeing another girl right now...

If he wanted to be with another girl, he would be with another girl and not be with me. Especially with our relationship in such conflict right now. He's a very direct and straight forward guy and he's proven that time and again.

 

And yes he is going EXACTLY where he says he is going, every time. I can verify every single time. He could easily say the same thing about me. Oh, she left for work early this morning, was she meeting up with someone? Or, she got home from work 2 hours later than normal, is she meeting up with another guy? Is that logical for me to be doing the same thing? I cannot even think about another man right now. Just because someone else is that way doesn't make everyone else that way. He's trying to get space from me and I'm doing the same. There is no shadiness to that. Meeting his family for dinner, does not mean he is meeting up with a girl.

 

If I thought he was seeing someone else, we would certainly be done by now. I don't put up with that, especially coming from past relationships where that did happen. And he knows all of that too. You guys are vilifying him for wanting space from me so we can save our relationship. He could've broken up with me, but he didn't. I think that right there shows how much he loves me.

 

This is an example of doubt trying to be created in my head - when there is no need for it.

 

Bolded and underlined -- Probably for the same reason hundreds of people cheat on their SO's or spouses every day but choose to NOT leave the RL.... same reason my dad had an affair, denied it and chose to NOT leave my mom for an entire year. They are NOT emotionally ready to leave yet. They are selfish, etc etc etc

 

 

And if truth be told, YES I AM trying to create doubt in your head, because IMO I think he is a manipulator, I don't like him, I don't trust him, I don't like how he is treating you.... and I want you to get the hell outta there!!

 

 

Because I think you deserve better than someone who shuts you out, barely speaks to you, chose to go out WITHOUT YOU on your anniversary, gets angry at you for calmly asking him how he is feeling and what he is wanting.... and intentionally chooses to block intimacy by sleeping on the couch for what is going on over a MONTH now...and god only knows how much longer.

 

 

But I can see you are no where near wanting to accept any of this....I think you are in denial.

 

 

So wish you the best...hope it works out for ya.

 

 

Take care...

Edited September 9, 2015 by katiegrl

[Redhead14]

I'm not going to suggest he's seeing someone else, however, he isn't "seeing" you either.

 

This has gone on too long now. A month goes beyond a simple need for space. And, now it's going to be longer.

 

Can you do this for another month? He may love you, but he sure as hell doesn't like you right now.

 

You say you're trying to accept your role in causing all this, however, you are using that against yourself to negate his bad behavior. Just because you behaved badly, doesn't mean he should do the same. It's ok that he needed a little bit of space, but there is a limit. Tell him you love him, you understand why he needed the space and you want to work on it AND you'll be at your parents house until he's ready to talk.

 

In the meantime, you demonstrate the strength of a strong, secure woman who is in control of her emotions and her life whether or not he decides to stay with you. You leaving him for a few days isn't going to make him decide to leave you. You staying, pushing, being desperate, clingy, needy, and skulking around on eggshells will. AND, I actually wouldn't be going to my parents, I'd be going down to the shore for a few days or a spa.

 

If it were me, all this was going on and on top of it, my SO blew me off on our 6th anniversary to go to the neighbors house, I'd make a new anniversary for him -- the day he lost me.

[katiegrl]

I'm not going to suggest he's seeing someone else, however, he isn't "seeing" you either.

 

This has gone on too long now. A month goes beyond a simple need for space. And, now it's going to be longer.

 

Can you do this for another month? He may love you, but he sure as hell doesn't like you right now.

 

You say you're trying to accept your role in causing all this, however, you are using that against yourself to negate his bad behavior. Just because you behaved badly, doesn't mean he should do the same. It's ok that he needed a little bit of space, but there is a limit. Tell him you love him, you understand why he needed the space and you want to work on it AND you'll be at your parents house until he's ready to talk.

 

In the meantime, you demonstrate the strength of a strong, secure woman who is in control of her emotions and her life whether or not he decides to stay with you. You leaving him for a few days isn't going to make him decide to leave you. You staying, pushing, being desperate, clingy, needy, and skulking around on eggshells will. AND, I actually wouldn't be going to my parents, I'd be going down to the shore for a few days or a spa.

 

If it were me, all this was going on and on top of it, my SO blew me off on our 6th anniversary to go to the neighbors house, I'd make a new anniversary for him -- the day he lost me.

 

 

Absolutely. The entire post actually but the bolded especially..