Space??!!

[lola59]

Highseas -yes, that is true. How should I do that? What should I do?

[LuckyLady13]

Psychological abuse can look like:

 

1. Humiliating or embarrassing you.
   
2. Constant put-downs.
   
3. Hypercriticism.
   
4. Refusing to communicate.
   
5. Ignoring or excluding you.
   
6. Extramarital affairs.
   
7. Provocative behavior with opposite sex.
   
8. Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice.
   
9. Unreasonable jealousy.
   
10. Extreme moodiness.
    
11. Mean jokes or constantly making fun of you.
    
12. Saying “I love you but…”
    
13. Saying things like “If you don’t _____, I will_____.”
    
14. Domination and control.
    
15. Withdrawal of affection.
    
16. Guilt trips.
    
17. Making everything your fault.
    
18. Isolating you from friends and family.
    
19. Using money to control.
    
20. Constant calling or texting when you are not with him/her.
    
21. Threatening to commit suicide if you leave.
    

It is important to remember is that it is absolutely not your fault. Abusers are expert manipulators with a knack for getting you to believe that the way you are being treated is your fault. These people know that everyone has insecurities, and they use those insecurities against you.

[highseas]

Lola59, I don't know your particular situation. But you did say yes, you were the one who was distant and cold and not expressive, So now you're seeing him behaving this way. He has reached a breaking point as you said, and he is giving you a dose of what you have been giving him (or a worse version of what you've been giving him) and you don't feel good about it obviously. He is a bit spiteful in a way, by trying to give you what he considers to be a taste of your own medicine. But he seems to believe that's what you've been doing to him.

 

How did he communicate with you? Was he gentle and expressive? Did he tell you how he felt about you often? That he would say he loved/liked you from time to time, that kind of thing?

 

I am absolutely no expert here...but if that seems to be his problem with you then you need to do a better job of communicating your loving feelings for him, to return his favor so to speak. You should also acknowledge that you realize what the issue is and pledge to work on it, and start expressing your feelings for him more often. He may have some issues he needs to work on, but I don't know what they would be. The birthday party thing shouldn't be a big deal for you. You don't even know the birthday guy and you saved time by not having to go. He knows him and felt obligated to go. You should just make that the girl's night out or something. But I don't think this episode was a huge issue here.

 

Perhaps that will work.

[HereNorThere]

This guy is literally telling you exactly what he wants and what will most likely save your relationship, but you just simply refuse to listen.

 

Umm, I dunno, why don't you try giving him some SPACE?

 

Your relationship has turned into the classic distancer pursuer relationship. Your abandonment fears are engulfing him.

 

Try listening to what he's saying and give it a chance. You are digging yourself a hole, deeper and deeper and eventually you won't be able to get out of it. You're pushing him away and disrespecting his boundaries. Honestly, have you ever been tested or diagnosed with adhd/add? I don't say that to be rude, it just seems like you stay hyper focused on YOU and how you feel in that very moment. YOU want instant resolution, you want to talk, you want to magically fix things after you've kind been of a pain all this time. The theme is YOU. YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU.

 

Try closing your mouth and actually listening to him for once. JESUS

Edited September 1, 2015 by HereNorThere

[HereNorThere]

And I just don't understand why now? He said he should have put his foot down long ago.

 

I'm going translate what he's saying for you.

 

"You've pissed me off and annoyed me to the point that I need some time to process this vast amount of emotion. I don't necessarily want to leave because I love you, but I need you to prove to me that you respect me and my boundaries. I have asked you for something and you still refuse to listen to me. Every single time you bug me about this, you reset my emotional clock and I have to start processing all over again. I'm suffocating, but you only seem to care about how YOU feel. Well, I have sacrificed my feelings long enough."

[GemmaUK]

How do you actually treat him?

 

It doesn't sound like he has been completely ignoring you for 3 weeks if he is calling you on lunch breaks.

 

I could be wrong but you say usually a problem is over within a day or two but if you lack communicate then does that mean he just gives in and panders to you?

Do you usually go distant and quiet like he is doing now and he has to be the one to always make up?

[Popsicle]

He probably just wants you to treat him better. So do that, but little by little, don't smother him. A full court press on your part would be too much too soon.

[lola59]

Guys, thanks for all of the advice. I truly am taking it all in. I do seem to only be focusing on me and my feelings. I'm trying to work with him on his.

 

The reason I keep trying to talk is because I want him to know that I am willing to do whatever and am going to change the way I communicate. I just want him to understand that. But I will not try to talk anymore and I will give him space.

[lola59]

GemmaUK- I do get cold and distant like he is doing. He usually does give in and pander to me I guess.

 

I took him for granted and I damaged our relationship by behaving so childishly. And I probably am going to lose the best thing that has ever happened to me.

[Redhead14]

My boyfriend and I have been together 6 years, we have lived together 5 years. We recently had a fight that turned into him bringing up every past fight, rolling it into one and saying he's not arguing anymore. And he needs space. How do we have space when we live together?! I'm so miserable over this and how distant, cold, sometimes mean, and he's sleeping on the couch. This is going on 3 weeks!!!! We did finally talk this past weekend, it got us nowhere.

 

I'm so distraught,stressed and sad over this. I have no idea what to do??!!

 

Is this the end? Wouldn't he have ended by now?

Why is he still stewing over this??

 

How do I give him space?

 

How can I destress, stay sane? I can't even do anything in the house (like clean, etc) because I'm so stressed.

 

When a couple lives together and one or the other needs space, the one who hasn't requested that simply spends more time doing things for themselves, going out with friends, keeping occupied with hobbies, exercising and anything that takes the focus off the relationship. You do not try to talk about the situation. Keep communication going on a light basis and don't shut down yourself. If there are other things that need to be addressed, you should do that. But no talk of the current situation. And, don't ignore the things that need to be done. You need to be strong through this. If he is completely stonewalling you on everything, you may want to ask him to leave for a while or you leave and set a time to meet for a discussion. That is not acceptable behavior and you need to draw a line for yourself.

 

He may decide to end it, but at least he is not doing that as a knee jerk reaction to the situation. He is seriously considering what he wants to do. I would simply tell him that you are respecting his request for space (and actually be doing that) and ask if you could set a date/time to sit down and discuss the situation further and while you are waiting you will be re-evaluating the relationship for YOURSELF. What is it about the relationship that actually works for you and what about it doesn't work for you. This isn't all about him, it's about you too.

[kgcolonel]

I think he's still angry. I keep trying to talk to him and it seems like that amps him up more and draws it out longer. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut. But I feel like getting all your thoughts out is good instead of bottling them out but maybe guys are different.

Another thing about the space thing. We have always since we first started dating everyday talked on our lunch breaks. He is still calling me on our lunch breaks. Wouldn't someone that needs space not do that?

I do feel like the way he is treating me is more of a punishment than him needing space because he just seems mad. I guess I need to let him cool down.

The sad part is our 6 year anniversary is Friday.

Maybe once he cools down, he will agree to counseling.

 

The fact that he is still calling you on lunch breaks is a good sign that he hasn't totally disengaged. That being said I would suggest that you give him some time to calm down and ask him what he would like from you to begin a new chapter of your "new and improved" relationship together. Give him a chance to think about it and no matter what he says, do not interrupt him and just listen.

[Lois_Griffin]

Personally, I think it was very rude and very dismissive of his friends and HIM to exclude you from a Birthday party he went to - regardless if they're only his friends or not. Who the hell only invites the one person and NOT their spouse? That's a courtesy you afford everyone when throwing a social gathering. That was low class, tacky, disrespectful and completely unacceptable behavior from both your boyfriend and his friends to purposely NOT invite you.

 

PERIOD.

 

Maybe you didn't handle it in a mature or methodical way and let your emotions get the best of you. I get that and that's something you'll need to work on. But it doesn't negate the fact that his behavior was totally unacceptable.

[Diezel]

What was the fight about?

[lola59]

I think my real struggle here right now and maybe you all can help me see the light on this one. I have fear. Fear he is going to just say it's over. I feel that fear and that's when I want to talk to him. To try to get a reassurance from him that it's not over. The struggle for me is the fear. I know I have no control over him and that's not what I want. I just want our relationship to grow and move forward. But right now I am in fear he is going to decide to end it.

[Redhead14]

I think my real struggle here right now and maybe you all can help me see the light on this one. I have fear. Fear he is going to just say it's over. I feel that fear and that's when I want to talk to him. To try to get a reassurance from him that it's not over. The struggle for me is the fear. I know I have no control over him and that's not what I want. I just want our relationship to grow and move forward. But right now I am in fear he is going to decide to end it.

 

You cannot get reassurance from him that it's not over if he isn't clear in his own head about it. If he were, he would end it.

 

Don't talk to him from a position of fear. When/if he is ready to talk about all this, you need to be talking from a position of strength and clarity for yourself.

[nescafe1982]

I think my real struggle here right now and maybe you all can help me see the light on this one. I have fear. Fear he is going to just say it's over. I feel that fear and that's when I want to talk to him. To try to get a reassurance from him that it's not over. The struggle for me is the fear. I know I have no control over him and that's not what I want. I just want our relationship to grow and move forward. But right now I am in fear he is going to decide to end it.

 

This sounds to me like you're trying to create some agency for yourself where there is none. Meaning, he's the one who moved to the couch... he's the one who is refusing to engage the problem (for now, but hopefully that changes)... he's the one who is showing contempt for you.

 

But some of your responses are all to the tune of "I will fix this by giving more x, or letting him y." This is a totally understandable response, and your fear is motivating it.

 

But he's the one who has drawn the line in the sand here. He's got the problem... and he needs to get 'unstuck' in order to fix it.

 

I do think that if he keeps repeating he needs space to think, you should give it to him. NOT because (as one poster implied) your feelings are less important than his... they are not. You should give him the space to communicate through your actions that if he has a problem, he needs to a) work it out (think through it) and b) engage you about it. You can't fix it for him... and indeed, your attempts to bridge the gap so far have pissed him off.

 

In the meantime, I agree that you can and should focus on enjoying yourself right now. Disengage from his game; rather than trying to fix things unilaterally, get out with some girlfriends to see a movie. No venting about your relationship; just go have fun outside the house.

 

When your BF works out what's been bugging him, maybe he'll find the words to talk to you. But you cannot empower yourself to fix all of this for him... and if you try, you will both come away frustrated. The added bonus here is that by getting some distance from this toxic home life, maybe you can reassess what it is you want from the relationship in the cold light of day (at some point in the future, mind you... for now, go have fun and blow off some steam).

[GemmaUK]

GemmaUK- I do get cold and distant like he is doing. He usually does give in and pander to me I guess.

 

I took him for granted and I damaged our relationship by behaving so childishly. And I probably am going to lose the best thing that has ever happened to me.

 

 

OK, I think that he has been very patient with you over the years to be honest and I think he has got to the point where he isn't sure if you actually love and appreciate him any longer.

I actually thinks he needs to see you pandering to him a bit - you can tell him you love him, miss him.

These are things that you can drop into your phone calls or even just as you pass by him at home.

 

I think if you give him a tonne of space as in going out and not appearing to be concerned then he will see your actions as more distant (and you sound like you do that fairly regularly anyway).

I suspect something had happened just prior to the party invite and he got an invite but it was probably meant as an invite to you both and he wanted to see if you would forget your mood and just go with him.

Instead you didn't, likely sulked and became more distant??

 

He wants and needs some reassurance here but this time I think it's up to you to give it in small steps, be kind, be caring, be there but not up in his face wanting to 'talk'.

[lola59]

I'm going by your suggestion of saying loving things to him even though he wants nothing to do with me. He's retreated to his "cave" again - the garage, working on his car. But I will show him the patience he has shown me in the past that I took for granted....and I'm giving him space today.

[Redhead14]

I'm going by your suggestion of saying loving things to him even though he wants nothing to do with me. He's retreated to his "cave" again - the garage, working on his car. But I will show him the patience he has shown me in the past that I took for granted....and I'm giving him space today.

 

That is a very good start. I wouldn't start being to lovey dovey quite yet. You can be supportive of his working on the car and if he fixed it, compliment him for having that ability at least. Make his favorite meal when he comes in too.

[HereNorThere]

I cannot stress this enough - do not passive aggressively acknowledge the need for space. Make sure you don't continue to comment on it or ask if he's okay, whatever.

 

I do understand your abandonment fears. There probably isn't a person here who doesn't. The most important thing for you to understand right now is that you cannot save this words, but you might be able to with your actions.

 

You're like me, you want instant resolution, but not everyone is like that. In fact, most people aren't. I really, truly believe you can save this if you just lay off for a while. He's tired of the drama, dude. Just go on with your life and give him the space he needs to miss you.

 

Please, Google abandonment and engulfment fears and distancer pursuer relationships. You need something to occupy your mind anyway, so you might as well read. You'll soon figure out that the more you pursue, the more he will distance himself. He's engulfed right now.

 

Use your own sense of empathy. Think about the times in your life that you needed space. Think about past relationships where you became engulfed. Remember what it feels like to just want to be left alone for a while.

[lola59]

I did very good last night, gave him space, didn't try to have a talk. Only spoke to him when he spoke to me. He still slept on the couch.

 

He did say good morning to me this morning, which is a first in several days. He's always grumpy in the morning anyways so it's hard to guage where he's at. But when he said bye, I said, bye I love you.

 

HereNorThere, yes I am the type that needs resolution right away. He is different in that way, in everything, not just fights/conflicts. He takes his time with literally EVERYTHING! So, I understand right now I need to let him work through it.

 

I'm really trying. This relationship is beyond worth it to me to give it time.

[Redhead14]

I did very good last night, gave him space, didn't try to have a talk. Only spoke to him when he spoke to me. He still slept on the couch.

 

He did say good morning to me this morning, which is a first in several days. He's always grumpy in the morning anyways so it's hard to guage where he's at. But when he said bye, I said, bye I love you.

 

HereNorThere, yes I am the type that needs resolution right away. He is different in that way, in everything, not just fights/conflicts. He takes his time with literally EVERYTHING! So, I understand right now I need to let him work through it.

 

I'm really trying. This relationship is beyond worth it to me to give it time.

 

Keep it up. It's a good thing to want to work on a troubled relationship especially when you realize your role in terms of how you may have contributed to the trouble. However, if you've sincerely put in the required effort for some time and there is no improvement or the other person isn't putting in effort toward resolution or at least responding to those efforts, it is wise to put a time limit on it. In other words, if you efforts are not being responded to in say a month or so, you may need to consider leaving.

 

Let things calm down as much as possible and observe.

[GemmaUK]

I've been in the sort of position you are in once in the past and me and he were OK - it took patience - from me especially. Not only that but consistency. A word that I cannot stress enough.

 

 

I did very good last night, gave him space, didn't try to have a talk. Only spoke to him when he spoke to me. He still slept on the couch.

Baby steps. Give him a few days/weeks to get back to sleeping in the same bed. He hasn't moved out and he does have a place to go whilst at home to get himself some space (the garage and the car). Don't intrude on that space too much. Let him get on with it.

Be a little careful about only speaking to him when he speaks to you - what I mean is that it could seem as if you are doing the 'being distant' thing which I think is where he doesn't know where he is at with you. Simple daily type comments are and should be OK - you know stuff like something funny that happened. Just as long as it's not a 'I really want to talk to you' or 'why don't you start sleeping in the bedroom again'.

 

 

He did say good morning to me this morning, which is a first in several days. He's always grumpy in the morning anyways so it's hard to guage where he's at. But when he said bye, I said, bye I love you.

This is a positive. If he isn't a morning person then don't expect it nor worry if it doesn't happen every day though. You can say good morning to him with a smile though. Make it one of your own religious routines even. I bet that many mornings you have got up and grunted 'morning' at him...I know I used to to my man (OK he is now my ex but we were together for 14 years) It's a very easy and bad habit to get into but it's not a good start to anyone's day.

Don't expect/wait for nor get grumpy over no 'I love you' back.He will say it when he is ready.

 

 

HereNorThere, yes I am the type that needs resolution right away. He is different in that way, in everything, not just fights/conflicts. He takes his time with literally EVERYTHING! So, I understand right now I need to let him work through it.

I'm going to be really blunt here but the resolution you need is him to pander when you distance yourself but you need to get you out of that whole cycle. You're now torn I think because he has been the one to distance. You don't quite know how to treat him.

Without going overboard (too soppy/clingy/talkative about the 'relationship' you can build on the learning curve you need to make in you to make this a much stronger relationship.

 

I'm really trying. This relationship is beyond worth it to me to give it time.

All that you have said, you adore this guy and he does you too.

If you can practice on being a better you (just what I did!) then time doesn't matter. I felt I calmed down as the bad times went to good. I learned better what was important and important was treating the man I loved well.

It can be so damn easy to forget to just be pleasant to your significant other.

 

If along the way he actually and I mean actually is out of line then step up and say, no need to shout it but spend no more than an of hour before you say what upset you and why. In that hour choose whether it's something you could have changed the outcome of (eg neighbur's houseparty - which you could have changed if all at home had been OK or just a little bit more stable than it is now - O think you two were in the midst of this so it was like you were shut out and he maybe implied that too - doesn't matter now though - move on and forget it and you will feel a whole load better. ).

Also, remember to not sweat the small stuff. We all have small stuff and for someone you love sometimes it's just not worth it.

 

Another thought. You can most likely get through this episode without having to have any talks so try to let the thought of 'having a talk' go.

Actions speak louder than words - always.

He needs to see though that you are looking after you for this team you are in and he will look after him. He needs to see it consistently - you have to change. I did. You can. If you mess up, apologise. (I did both of those too! )

It's sometimes when you see/realise you are a team that looking after your own happiness makes that team so much better.

 

I would love to hear how this goes and I'm sending you ((hugs)) as it's tough.

Deep breaths, relax and you are doing good.

Something I did - weird maybe but in my process of building me and him back I started reading books again. I wasn't then looking at him (watching him, glancing at him) for some good or bad signal. My chilled time became actual chilled time lost in a world of whatever book I was into (magazines don't have the same effect - no idea why! Lol!). He felt a little jealous after a few nights seeing me reading a book. I never stopped reading books for a long while after that. It was my space but with him like your man's space is his car.

[lola59]

Thank you for the kind words GemmaUK. This gives me hope and reassurance.

 

The more my mind races with all the things he has said to me, the more worried I get that he is done and not willing to give this relationship a chance. Like how he said I'm the reason he's like this. He isn't who he used to be and not happy. He needs space to get to who he is/was...happy.

 

He is in a funk. I think this might be a rarity for him. And he's placing all the unhappiness on me and the way I've been. When there are more good times than bad, but he can't see that right now.

 

But thank you for your advice. I think I will start reading again, I have a bookshelf full of books that I just never have given myself time to read.

 

I just wake up sad every morning when I realize he's not in bed and he hates me right now. I'm trying to do little things, to show him. I keep telling him I love him too -not constantly, but daily a couple times.

 

Thank you again!!

[Vintage79]

I don't know, everything has been fine. The only issue has been communication and that has been my lack of. I think he's fed up but I'm working on it.

 

If there's still poor communication at 6 years, it's probably not something you can easily fix - and even if you did solve your problem, it doesn't mean he'll all of a sudden forget the 6 year history...you've got a tough road ahead of you with a high probability for a break-up.