WTFIMIK Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 I have a friend who is more like a brother. We’ve known each other since junior high and we’re both on our 30s now. He has a girlfriend who is INSANELY insecure. I’m a female friend of her boyfriend and I’m automatically a threat to her. She misinterprets everything I do as something against her. We have never sat down to speak ever. For example, when I found out (a couple years ago) that I can’t have kids I left my friend a message on FaceBook telling him the news. I was upset and I needed support and it was obviously very bad news. I found out later that his girlfriend thought that message, possibly the worst news of my life, was a veiled invite for him to come to my place and have sex. As you can imagine I found this appalling. How could she be so callous and make such a horrible accusation while I was in the midst of a crisis? Another example: when I inherited money I didn’t spend it immediately. She took that to mean I was “waiting for someone." I have no idea what that was supposed to mean. Why would she care what I do with my money? And how does not pissing it away instantly equate to being devious and underhanded? The last thing I found out is that she is watching my FaceBook through my friend’s profile (she has his password). It’s very passive aggressive. Why can’t she just grow a pair of ovaries and add me herself? I have invited her out to lunch, coffee, Disneyland, and several other outings, all more than once. With the intent of picking them both up in my fancy car and paying for said outing. She has refused EVERY attempt I have made to calm her paranoia. I’m not interested in her boyfriend but she feels like my existence somehow revolves around him. It’s beyond disturbing. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose this friend. BUT she has forced him to do more than one polygraphs. Yes, he is culpable for letting it get to this extreme and not putting his foot down. However it isn't my friend's fault she has rejected all my attempts to be civil. I have no idea what to do or of it’s even worth my time anymore. I still love this guy like a brother. I want to loan him money to get his life in order (so he can eventually pay me back) but I told him I won't do it if I can't be a part of his life. I need help with this.
CarrieT Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose this friend. BUT she has forced him to do more than one polygraphs. Yes, he is culpable for letting it get to this extreme and not putting his foot down. You can't run his life. However it isn't my friend's fault she has rejected all my attempts to be civil. No, but he has clearly chosen her over you. I have no idea what to do or of it’s even worth my time anymore. Step away until you two can be friends again. I want to loan him money to get his life in order (so he can eventually pay me back) but I told him I won't do it if I can't be a part of his life. No, no, no. You are offering money conditionally; essentially buying a relationship with him. She will resent it if/when she finds out and it sets a horrible precedent in your own relationship with him. Either lend him the money UNCONDITIONALLY because he is your friend and you trust him (with a Promissory Note, of course), or not at all. My suggestion would be Not At All.
Author WTFIMIK Posted September 1, 2015 Author Posted September 1, 2015 ...there's no such thing as unconditional friendship. Or unconditional love. It's all a romantic illusion. Anyway, the money thing came in much later. As in a few months ago. It's not as related as I made it sound. It's just a thing we've discussed but I'm not doing if I can't be granteed repayment. I'm obviously not getting my money back if we aren't allowed to talk. Hence why I haven't given him the loan.
newmoon Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 she's his girlfriend and you're not. you should back off and let the guy enjoy his relationship with her. you are making her insecure by your very presence and really shouldn't be involved in his life at all except distantly. you don't think it's uber-weird that you invite her around to places? how would you feel if your boyfriend had a female friend who was always around. it's not cool on your part.
Author WTFIMIK Posted September 1, 2015 Author Posted September 1, 2015 she's his girlfriend and you're not. you should back off and let the guy enjoy his relationship with her. you are making her insecure by your very presence and really shouldn't be involved in his life at all except distantly. you don't think it's uber-weird that you invite her around to places? how would you feel if your boyfriend had a female friend who was always around. it's not cool on your part. It wouldn't bother me. Especially if I had a name to go with the face. I have allowed my boyfriends to have their own friends. And some reasonable amount of privacy. I shouldn't be forced to be a stranger just because she chooses to be threatened. That's not cool.
spiderowl Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 (edited) I can understand it all feels very unfair to you. It is his choice who his girlfriend is and what he accepts from her. It must feel awful being pushed out by someone you don't know, but she doesn't have to be friends with you. There is no law forcing anyone to become friends with anyone else. You say she is being paranoid but you have made quite a few attempts to meet her and include her which she has turned down. I think you can conclude she doesn't want to know. I realise you don't want to lose this guy but if your attempts have failed, then it is up to him now what he does about it. I wouldn't loan him money while you are feeling this way about the situation. Is he asking you for money? It would not be wise to offer him money to try to ensure he stays in your life. It sounds like this guy is being pulled in two directions. All you can is to minimise contact with him until he sorts this out himself. I doubt his girlfriend will ever get less jealous of you; you have obviously had a long-lasting friendship with her partner and she must feel she cannot complete with this. I can understand her uneasiness and I can also understand your frustration at what appears to be the loss of a 'brother'. Only this guy can determine which one is going to be most important to him in life, that's the sad fact. Edited September 1, 2015 by spiderowl
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