ctwatlanta Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 First - thank you for anyone willing to read and respond. Little background - We are both over 40 and have been single for a long time. We'll call my g/f Charlotte. Charlotte has 3 kids at home and I have 2. My older one is a teen that I have full time because she likes this school district over her mom's, and the younger one I have every other week. Charlotte and I started dating nearly a year ago and waited for quite a while before we met each others kids. In fact, I've never introduced my girls to anyone since their mom and i split 4 yrs ago. I have been overly protective of my girls and made myself a promise yrs ago that I'd only introduce them to the woman I knew I'd marry. I knew Charlotte was the one though and we fell in love, talked openly about our future together and our consolidated family. We've been inseparable. My girls adore her, and the kids all love each other, which makes this so much harder... We both have been around the block and are not new to real relationships so when I say we have never had a disagreement or argument I mean it. Well...that is until today. So... Charlotte has been depressed for months now after losing her job as a supervising mgr at Home Depot, but we've been getting through it. Nonetheless, I encouraged her to go back to school and get her college degree. She started 2 weeks ago and it's had her extremely stressed...3 kids at home, working side jobs throughout the week and going back to school. Not easy for a 41 yr old woman or anyone for that matter. She has also expressed to me how she's been treated very poorly by ex b/f's and got burned when one of them went back to his ex wife. As such, she's insecure about my relationship with my ex. Mind you, my ex and i get along really well as I believe all parents are supposed to. We're much better friends now than when we were together. Nonetheless, Charlotte has told me she finds it odd how good my ex and I get along and that it bothers her a bit. I know she's insecure about my ex so I do my best to let her know I only love her and that there is absolutely nothing between my ex and me. In fact, my ex has been dating a great guy for the last year and they're probably getting married....and Charlotte knows this. I cannot reiterate this enough - there is absolutely nothing between my ex and me. I have zero feelings for her and only wish her the best...and I've tried making sure Charlotte knows this. I tell her every single morning and night how much I love her and she does me as well. Here's the issue - Well, I travel a couple of times a week and typically ask Charlotte to help me watch my girls after they get home from school when I'm out of town. However, these past 2-3 weeks I've tried not to bother her with things as she's been overwhelmed with school, etc. However, this past Wednesday I had to take an unscheduled day trip to Boston and had I asked Charlotte it would have really put her in a bind...so I didn't. My neighbors kids and mine attend the same school so normally they pick my girls up from school and bring them home until I can get home. In this instance I didn't get home until nearly midnight and I needed someone to watch them until I got home. I had nowhere to turn for help as I'm a single daddy to 2 girls with no family around. As mentioned, I didn't want to bother Charlotte with my emergency situation as she had her kids, had to work and was in school that evening. I simply didn't want to put more stress on her plate and ask her to drive 1 hour across town, reschedule everything, and skip her school class just to watch my kids that night. So, I turned to my ex who offered to help me. So, after the kids got home from school my ex came here after she got off work, picked them up, took them to dinner and got them back to my house and in bed. As soon as I got home my ex walked out, I said thank you for helping me in a bind and she left. Honest to God...that was it! Aren't parents supposed to put their kids first and be able to help each other when in a bind?!?! Fast forward to this weekend and Saturday I was with Charlotte and she asked me what I ended up doing about the kids when I traveled earlier on Wednesday. I didn't elaborate and just told her that the neighbors brought them home, which is exactly what they do normally. Nothing else was said and we had our normal great weekend together. What I didn't elaborate on when she asked (because I didn't think it was a big deal) was that my ex came over and watched them until I got home. This was my mistake...and it was an honest mistake. I wasn't trying to be deceitful, hateful or anything else. I didn't think it was a big deal as my ex and I help each other all the time, and I always tell Charlotte! Well... This morning at 930am I get a txt from Charlotte saying saying she found out something that bothered her and asked that I call, which I did immediately. She asked me again "What exactly happened Wednesday with the girls when I flew out of town?". Sensing something I gave her exactly the details I just described above. Charlotte lost it! She called me a liar and said that I had deceived her and that "it was over and that she was done!". She promptly hung up on me, blocked me and told me to leave her alone. I was absolutely dumbfounded! I immediately blocked the rest of my work calls out and raced across town an hour away to go to her house. I was in a panic! I got to her house and walked in where she was sitting. She was shocked when I walked in, and told me to leave immediately. I asked her for 2 mins of time and she sat on her bed and started to cry. She was adamant that I lied to her and she said she was already leery of me and my ex and all this did was put it over the top. She said that with the stress she's under with school, lack of work, etc...that she didn't have the time or energy to deal with this and that it was over. Let me reiterate this again...I HAVE NEVER TOUCHED OR LOOKED AT MY EX IN OVER 4 YRS!!! I don't know how to convince Charlotte anymore that I'm not interested in my ex! I've told her I want to marry her so how much more do you need convincing??? Hell, my ex is dating someone seriously and talking marriage!!! There's absolutely nothing between us! I begged Charlotte to reason with me and listen to my explanation as it was an honest mistake and misunderstanding. She would hear nothing of it. Here I am a grown 45 yr old man who left literally walking out the door crying as I couldn't figure out what I did wrong. What was the cherry on top was when I picked my girls up from school today. Charlotte and I and the kids all planned on spending Labor Day weekend together. When I picked my teenager up she immediately asked what we were doing with Charlotte this weekend and her kids, and I was honest with her about what happened. She immediately started crying her eyes out in the car when I told her that Charlotte and I were over. I was devastated to see her cry as she loves Charlotte and her kids dearly. My teen asked me if she could please call Charlotte and talk to her and I told her no as her calling would only make Charlotte even more angry...and she'd probably think I put my teen up to it. Even my teenage girl said, "She left you because of that, daddy??? That's stupid!" It's just hard because my little girls really love Charlotte and my teen wants to talk with her so badly but I won't allow it. Aren't grown adults that are in love supposed to talk and reason? Hell, I've been in relationships before where we had REAL screaming matches and we still found a way to stop what we're doing, assess the situation and talk it out. How does someone say they love you more than anything, that no man has ever loved them or treated them as well as I did to her, says she loves your children, wants to plan a future together...but then one simple miscommunication and it's over in a flash?!?!?! I just don't get it... I could understand it if I'd really done something horrible and repeated it...but this??? I'm just hurting really bad trying to understand how someone can throw you out like yesterdays trash when less than 24 hours ago (Sunday) you were waking up in bed together, laughing and telling each other you loved one another. Sorry...I'm rambling. I'm just really hurt for me and the kids right now. Thanks for reading.
pidgeon1010 Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 Sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately, there is nothing else you can do to convince her. She has to come to that realization on her own (perhaps with the help of a professional). You have done enough to show her you love her and are full-invested in the relationship so she needs to decide if she can live with that. Give her space. If she loves you, she will realize that she overreacted and probably reach out to you to mend things. Based on what you have described, it was only a matter of time before her insecurities would come to head and need to be addressed. Better now than later on after marriage. People with such insecurities always end up finding "something" to hang their insecurities on, even in the face of evidence to the contrary. She needs to work through her issues and hopefully she will and realize she had a good thing. Best wishes to you! 1
Author ctwatlanta Posted September 1, 2015 Author Posted September 1, 2015 Thanks, Pidgeon for the advice and counseling. I'm just having a really difficult time because of how it happened out of left field. I never saw this coming. There was no explanation from her or anything really. She just asked me the question, and i gave her the honest answer. As soon as she heard my response she just cut me off cold and that was it. I would have thought a grown adult in love with another person would want to talk it through...but not in this case. It was over in a flash. No explanation, no answer, nothing. I hate how my girls are upset now that they know. This is what hurts the most.
Downtown Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 I'm just having a really difficult time because of how it happened out of left field.... As soon as she heard my response she just cut me off cold and that was it. Atlanta, the strange behavior you describe -- cutting you off cold over a minor incident -- is called "black-white thinking." When people are under great stress or experience intense feelings, their brains are hardwired to shift to B-W thinking as a way of simplifying choices and making survival responses much more rapid. This is largely why, whenever we experience strong anger or infatuation, our judgment goes out the window and we get a distorted view of other peoples' intentions and motivations. The result is that, when under great stress, we tend to categorize everyone as "all good" (i.e., "with us") or "all bad" (i.e., "against us"). Significantly, because everyone must fit into one of those black or white categories, there is no grey area in the middle. This means that the slightest transgression -- no matter how small -- is sufficient to cause us to reclassify someone as "all bad" because they no longer are perceived as "all good." At issue, then, is not whether your GF's behavior is bizzare and unheard of. On the contrary, it is a common behavior whenever human beings are under great stress. Rather, at issue is whether she is suffering a temporary flareup of this B-W thought distortion (perhaps due to her busy schedule or due to a strong hormone change) or, instead, is exhibiting a long-term trust issue -- and great abandonment fear -- she has been carrying with her since childhood. Not having met the young lady, I cannot answer that question.
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