Maria92 Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 (edited) Recently wrote on here about the breakup of my 6/7 month relationship with my 21 year old bf. I cannot believe the range of emotions that I am having to process - I had forgotten just how horribly painful this can be. Just to recap I broke it off with him because he is untrustworthy - he was secretive, going behind my back and flirting with women then lying to my face about it, hiding everything from me, totally un-committed and hardly wanted anything to do with me a lot of the time, basically manipulating me and using me. When we first got together he was really intense and it did scare me, he asked me to move in with him over Skype after about 3 weeks of knowing each other, (!) he was always really "lovey dovey" with me...I got such mixed signals from him - one minute he was behaving like a crazy romantic person who desperately wanted me to be his girlfriend and live with him, the next minute he was abandoning me on Skype and going off on late night dates with POF people. He also was really reluctant to clarify anything for me...I was the girl of his dreams but I was also the new "really good friend" that he definitely wasn't dating. I should have seen that as a red flag right away but I thought he was a decent guy so I gave him a chance (and about a million other chances after that). Things went way too fast between us..our first date we slept together and I was not ready at all. He also told me on our first date that he had a dream in which I told him I loved him...yet when I did tell him I loved him, months down the line he told me he didn't feel the same and needed time... (a week or 2 later he decided he did love me after all and it was an on/off I love you so much/not a word about love from him thereafter). He behaved really strangely after he'd slept with me for the first time.. he basically shouted at me saying "You know I suffer from depression!" and he kept telling me he was "broken" but when I asked him to clarify why he was saying it, he just said "I don't know" and stomped off into the other room to go on his computer. I felt extremely weird after this encounter. Stupidly though, after this I decided to keep going back and see if I could get a better impression of where this might go/who he was. After all, we had spent a lot of time chatting on Skype and I felt it would be a shame to just drop that. Now I kind of realise that may have been his way of trying to reel me in and get me attached. Our 2nd date he also behaved very strangely. He agreed to come to my home town and seemed happy about the arrangement but as soon as he got off the train he was totally silent with me, refused to engage in conversation and then when I took him to the café where we had arranged to eat, he sat in silence and refused to order any food. I had no idea what to think and asked him repeatedly what was wrong. He just kept saying "I don't know what to say to you, I just feel really low." I got the impression he was hungover as he seemed tired and kept putting sugar in his tea - but he wouldn't say anything. Eventually I got fed up and told him I didn't want to deal with childish behaviour. I felt really bad and started getting panicky (I knocked over my drink and had to go to the toilet to calm down) - All he said was "You can stop shaking now" and laughed at me, which was just cruel. I told him to stop playing mind games with me and to stop being so childish ( to which his response was something along the lines of "I can be childish if I want"). As suddenly as this had all started he "switched" and quickly became happy and pleasant with me. After the date he said he was sorry he had made me panic and that he'd had a nice time. I said something lame to the effect of "I won't put up with your BS anymore".. which of course was BS because I did continue to put up with it. Next comes the flirting stage... I continue to see him, continue to go to his house, continue to get reeled in. I try to plan things with him and he is still occasionally very keen with his "planning" but never follows up with actions. I notice that he is flirting with every girl we come into contact with...blatantly. He always puts on this "front" which is so fake it's almost cringey and then he'd try to come onto women in front of me with it. When I raised it with him and say it upsets me he said it was because he "has no confidence"... I continue to put up with it. I feel like such an idiot. I start to wonder (rightfully so) whether he is flirting with women behind my back online/or texting. But seeing as I don't have FB I can't tell... (I later find out he is flirting with an old friend on FB because "she has low self esteem because of her weight and I like to make her feel good" - another BS lie I let him tell me.) He also refused to stop doing this behind my back and I let him. He also picked me up from the station with a lovebite on his neck from a man that he swore to me was just messing around. (Oh yeah, I forgot to say, shortly after this it was revealed he is bisexual and not straight, and this was after he suddenly got back into contact with a group of gay and cross dressing friends he had apparently known for a few years. He then told me that he didn't actually like his friends because they spend all their money on alcohol and have no class and he was going to "distance himself" from them. We also went on holiday to Ireland and it was during this time he decided to go into another one of his silent/cold shoulder attacks and then tell me that he wasn't sure he saw a future with me because of my "world views". When I explained my "world views" to him more fully he accepted that but then later told me again that "part of him wasn't sure he saw a future with me". I told him I'd thought as much of him and continued to see him - I was at this point, still deluded that I was staying with him because I wanted us to be friends and I believed he cared for me. Finally I lose my rag - after him gradually distancing himself from me, stopping ringing me (he used to ring me every day) and literally texting me a handful of times a week, we argue, and then I agree to a "more casual, but exclusive" relationship. He then tells me that he only did the casual relationship "for my sake" and actually had wanted the relationship to end. That hurt, because I thought I was only doing it for his sake - he seemed to want it more than I did. Anyhow the agreement was still ridiculous because our relationship was already a shambles and almost certainly not exclusive insofar as him pursuing women/men behind my back. I tell him I don't want to see him anymore whilst I'm at his house. I looked at his phone whilst he was in the shower and there were sexually suggestive/flirtatious texts on there. I packed my stuff and left.. I was and am very upset and betrayed...(but I'm still getting on with stuff and spending time with good people. I'm not wallowing a lot). He texted me a few days later saying he was sorry and that he was a terrible boyfriend and a horrible person and I deserved/deserve a lot better than him, and could I be friends with him. I just thought it was too late by then though and didn't acknowledge the apology.. I just asked if he truly wanted to be friends. I get a curt reply a few days later saying we needed time to cool off and then "re-evaluate" what "we" want.. I just kind of lost it and told him he had been almost nothing but horrible to me and I didn't want him in my life.. good riddance. I do feel bad in a way, I am hurt, and confused. What the hell was all this about? Does anyone have the faintest idea why he acted this way and can anyone give me any insight as to what his actions throughout our relationship meant? If it helps, I feel he is very insecure, he told me he has confidence issues and really dislikes himself.. he is a short guy and he boasted (lied probably) about the amount of women he'd slept with (apparently it was 9 women including me and 2 men but I find that very hard to believe considering he is shy and when I met him he told me he had no friends).... I'm so confused.... I've wasted so much time and emotional energy on this messed up person. Help please? Edited August 31, 2015 by Maria92
mightycpa Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 He texted me a few days later saying he was sorry and that he was a terrible boyfriend and a horrible person and I deserved/deserve a lot better than him, and could I be friends with him..... Help please? Text him back: Not only do I deserve a better boyfriend than you, I deserve better friends than you too. I'm going to say this with as much love as I can: GO AWAY. DON'T CONTACT ME ANYMORE. and finish this. You owe it to yourself.
Author Maria92 Posted August 31, 2015 Author Posted August 31, 2015 I already told him that. I would like opinions on the behaviour described? I'm confused. Another thing I wanted to add was that in bed he wanted to be "my little b****" but he wouldn't even let me choose a film to watch IRL. He'd send me filthy texts all the time and that seemed to be the only time he wanted to talk to me or replied with any frequency. I'm so appalled at myself for continuing this relationship for this length of time. I may as well have just written "doormat" on my forehead.
stillafool Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 He's probably struggling with his sexuality. Maybe he' gay and doesn't want to submit to it. I think you are lucky that it's over with him. It certainly wasn't going to get any better. Don't play victim in this just learn from this and move on.
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