Aveenolover Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 I've been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year and I just recently moved in with him this past January. His daughter is 6 years old and we all get along pretty well. Her mother has disappeared from her life recently. She got into drugs and no one has heard from her in well over a month. The daughter is, understandably, extremely upset and my boyfriend told me I need to step up and be a mother to her. I work nights and he expects me to switch my schedule around completely, as in, I work from 10pm-7am and on my off days he expects me to go to bed by 11pm and up by 9am. Which, i do my best to do that, but its extremely hard switching my schedule around so often. Mondays are usually my days off and I go back to work Tuesday. He wants me to pick up his daughter from school both those days. Today, we started fighting because i told him i would pick her up, however she would be bored because i had a crapton of house work i needed to do. He thinks i should entertain her the whole time. Then he fights with me because Tuesdays I really dont like to pick her up from school because I'm usually asleep by then, trying to switch my schedule back to working nights. I didnt think much of this and thought I just needed to try harder. Then, i talked to a coworker who noticed i was DEAD tired and i explained to him what was going on and how im kind of struggling. He is a step father and has experience and said that my boyfriend shouldnt expect so much of me and that me stepping in as a mother role is actually a terrible idea because if anything happens to my bf and I (we arent engaged or anything.) then it would just add more hurt to his daughter, which i agreed with. SO i guess, my question is, what exactly IS expected of me?? Am i being terrible by not playing with her while i try to do house work? (i told him i would play with her when i was done. but that wasnt good enough) and am i terrible for not picking her up from school? I have never dated a man with kids and i Dont have any of my own. So, kids are still new to me. And dating someone with kids is very confusing because I'm expected to be a parent but NOT really be a parent. Help!
stillafool Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 Have you expressed to him everything that you said here?
Author Aveenolover Posted August 31, 2015 Author Posted August 31, 2015 I have. Minus what a coworker said because he instantly dismisses anything anyone else says and gets mad at me if he knows I've discussed our personal life with anyone else. I brought up my worries before to him and the fact that he wouldnt show any affection towards me infront of his daughter and it bothered me because i felt like him treating me like his friend was causing her not to really respect me as an adult or his equal and also see me as her friend. I decided to test the waters the other night and asked him to kiss me when she was right by him and he told me no and said he would maybe hug me. This was after he asked me to step up and be her mother. I was extremely upset by that and left for work. and he texted me and was like, "did you REALLY just try to pull that???" and i didnt feel like a peck on the lips saying goodbye or hello was a bad thing. He also does not tell me he loves me infront of her. When i told him this was a breaking point to me because i gave him months to work on it, he finally came to his senses and said, "well, i guess a peck never hurt anyone" But still hasnt done it.
stillafool Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 I don't know but it seems he's just using you as a free babysitter for his child. I see nothing wrong with him giving you a kiss (not a long passionate one) in front of her. If you aren't comfortable taking on the responsiblity of being the mother to a child you don't know; tell him so. If you don't stand up for yourself he will take advantage of you.
joseb Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 Sounds like he is expecting an awful lot from you. And it doesn't sound like you're getting all that much from being in the relationship. Are you?
Empyrea Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 On the one hand, it makes sense to me that a single father would be very cautious about the women he brings into his child's life, i.e. not introducing her too soon or only as a friend in the beginning, so that the kid wouldn't get attached to someone that might not be there later on. But then you have him basically asking you to take on a motherly role just a year into the relationship... that's just going about it all wrong and you're getting the short end of both of those sticks here. Does the kid understand you're the girlfriend? You should definitely communicate your concerns to him more forcefully or it could end up really hurting your relationship. It's an awful lot and way too soon. It could be managed as an investment into the future, but you'd really have to be sure that this is what you want as an endgame.
RecentChange Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 And as someone who does NOT want to be a mother, or have kids, this is why I would never date someone with children. If you want to be involved with this man long term - you are going to be involved with his daughter. Parents with children are a package deal - you signed up for a 2 in 1 special. And yes - having people come and go from her life will be very hard for her, especially if her own mother has already abandoned her. I think you have two choices - stay in this relationship, assume a "mom" role, and take care of his kid - or break it off, or keep the relationship VERY superficial, with only occasional dates out etc - but lives not intertwined. 1
Author Aveenolover Posted August 31, 2015 Author Posted August 31, 2015 I am getting a lot out of the relationship...when he doesnt expect much from me. He will back off sometimes and not pester me then come at me full force other times, which is when I feel really stressed. I spend a lot of time with her. I help her do her homework when she has some, I play games with her, I teach her things. It's not like I sit there and ignore her. but its like, if i dont do EVERYTHING then he says its not good enough. And she definitely knows I'm his girlfriend and he calls me his girlfriend around her, but he doesnt SHOW her im his gf.
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