LoveStinks8 Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 My head is spinning, my heart is breaking... someone please give me insight! So several months ago my long term boyfriend and I split up. I was entirely crushed. I believed that I could never love again and swore off of men for a long, long time. He hurt me beyond belief and I didn't want to even look at a man. Until "Rick" entered my life. Rick is not his real name, but that's what I will refer to him as for the purpose of internet privacy. I met Rick by chance. He worked at a store I frequented and we always flirted a little when I went in but I never in a million years expected anything to come of it. Eventually I started talking to him online and found out that he was in the midst of an extremely hard break-up himself. Virtually a divorce, trying to deal with the legalities of a house and such on top of the emotional aspects of it all. I also quickly realized that he is extremely insecure right now and depressed. We started hanging out and of course I was extremely cautious. I was upfront with him about my fears and told him I wanted nothing romantic. The whole thing is very strange for me. It was like I had known him my whole life. I experienced a total level of comfort with this person. I felt like I had nothing to hide and could be comfortable being myself no matter what. Eventually we were having a few drinks and ended up kissing. There was no spark or anything magical, it just felt comfortable... like it's something I was supposed to do and should be no surprise. He told me, without me saying anything, that he was feeling the same way. Things started to progress from there. I was absolutely terrified of getting hurt again, but something told me this was what I was meant to do. Sounds corny as heck, I know, but seriously... I felt like this person was who I was destined to be with and he claimed to feel the same way. We were both incredibly scared and extremely cautious. I didn't want to trust again, I was scared of being hurt, and he was just out of a serious relationship so I didn't want to become a rebound or anything like that. I ended up looking for a new place to live and he invited me to temporarily stay with him. We started to become romantically involved. It was wonderful. I felt safe, comfortable, and loved. We didn't argue, we liked the same things, I really thought I had found my soul mate. Yep, corny again, I know. This whole time his ex was still bugging him, that was the only strain we were experiencing. About a month into it he said he was scared and didn't know what he wanted and that I should leave. So I left for a few days, broken and confused. I knew we had started something far too soon after his breakup so as hard as it was I understood. A few days later he messaged me saying he'd made a huge mistake and wanted to talk. We talked and he said he wanted to keep trying with our relationship, or whatever you'd like to call it, but that he needed time and to take it slower. I told him I understood and we fell asleep happily in each other's arms. For the next month we were happy as a "sort of" couple, but I noticed his depression worsening. He cries a lot, pushed his friends away, started hating his house because it was the house he got with his ex, and overall didn't display much happiness. I tried to support him. I held him when things got rough and understood that he was having a really hard time. I got frustrated sometimes, and voiced my concerns to him, but we didn't have any arguments or problems. Last week he told me he loved me. At first I danced around the subject because I was scared, but then I realized that I have fallen in love with him too and that he should know, so I told him I love him too. Everything between the two of us seemed perfect. Then last night I went to visit my parents. When we both went to bed everything seemed perfect. When I woke up... not so much. He asked if we could have a serious conversation later. I agreed and then he said he couldn't wait any longer and told me that we needed to end this and be friends. It hit me like a freight train. I am devastated. At first I was angry, so very angry. I didn't want to let anyone else into my life because I was scared of getting hurt. He promised he wouldn't hurt me, I foolishly believed him, and then it ripped my heart out in the matter of a text message. Eventually I calmed down a bit and it turned to hurt. He said he was an idiot and that he needed to be alone. That he couldn't give me what I deserved and he needed to deal with his depression and everything before he could try being with someone. He also said that he was incredibly sorry and that he still cared so much but that he was just too scared to try to be with someone and he knows he's too "messed up" to try to love anyone. So after I got off of work I went to his house to collect my things. He made sure he wasn't around. I thought him a coward for it but it is what it is. We talked a bit more, I told him I really wished he'd try, that I really cared and wanted this to work, and that I was willing to wait. He just kept saying that he was sorry. As I was getting my things I noticed the garbage can full of soggy tissues and a box of Kleenex next to the bed so I know that he is legitimately upset. I just don't know what to do. I care about this guy so very, very much. I desperately want this to work, even if it takes a lot of hard work and pain... but I don't know what to do. I text him a little while ago and told him that I was sorry for being so angry with him, that I understood that depression is extremely difficult to deal with, and that I still want to be there for him. I also added that when he decided he was ready for a relationship that if he still wanted to be with me, that I would be here. I know that last bit was a mistake because it leads him to believe he has an indefinite amount of time to do whatever he pleases because I'll still be here but I don't mind waiting, I really want this to work. Does anyone have any advice on how to make this work? What should I do? Support him and be there? Leave and hope he comes back? Help!!!
madjac74 Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 You said you would never love again...and then you loved again. You will love again after this guy. 3
Author LoveStinks8 Posted August 31, 2015 Author Posted August 31, 2015 I know that's true, although it will take longer this time, I just really, really connected with this guy. I hadn't had someone in my life before that I could feel so at ease around... and I really don't want to just walk away from this unless it's necessary.
UntitledNotepad Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 What I know to be the case from experience (even though I am having trouble believing it), is that what you have is just a feeling, not a fact. You WILL find someone else who WILL make you feel evern happier than Rick made you feel. Until you find the next person, you will have that sadness. But just believe there are more people out there and one will make you much, much happier.
Lansing Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 Umm, the Kleenex might nit be from him crying.... Regardless, sorry this happened to you. Best to go no contact and move on with someone who knows what he wants.
Lois_Griffin Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 LOL. I agree with the tissue bit. I kind of doubt it was from 'crying.' LoveStinks, I can't stress this enough. Never, EVER date separated men. Ever. When a man is separated, that means he has unfinished business. This guy is a freakin' mess and is a walking cliché of what I just said. He has PLENTY of unfinished business and kept trying to use your relationship with him as a stepping stone to avoid grieving the end of his marriage. You saw how well that worked. It didn't. I'm going to repeat. Don't date separated men. Separated = unfinished business. That was my NUMBER #1 rule when dating and I never, ever broke it. Your very situation is exactly WHY I never broke that rule. Learn from it and move on. Good luck to you. 1
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