Instant chemistry vs. creating chemistry

[Leigh 87]

The people who I know that stayed married the longest and found love at a younger age ALL agreed that: they don't marry the person they loved the most; the married the slow build, non instant chemistry partner that they could actually live with.

 

The happiest relationships I know of, including my own parents, were the instant spark types where sparks were flying from day one. I know far less people who have these relationships, but they truly do " feel " that they married the love of their lives.

 

Where as group one usually lament that " butterflies and feeling giddy with excitement and grinning like an idiot over a person is a fairy tale that very very rarely appears in long lasting relationships in real life " . Most admit they would prefer to have married the love of their lives. The only people who weren't phased at the lack of real, primal and instant chemistry were those who lack passion for life in general and have low or no sex drives and place no value in " chemistry "

 

I tried the manufacturing chemistry. It never works. I've also been in the receiving end of a man who felt no immediate sparks for me. It also didn't work and it killed me to know he was enamoured with some girls and not with me. I hated knowing he'd been infatuated with his ex and yet with me, I was the girl he picked solely because of my personality and for convenience.

 

Right now I'm dating a man who I felt immediate chemistry with. It feels magical. And an ex regretted his decision of ending it and he is flying my out to see him for one last try ; we had immediate chemistry. It also felt magical.

 

Both men are likely not to be the right men for me due to the fact it's such a numbers game to find a compatible mate who value committment! However this is a heck of a lot more pleasant than my last relationship of convenience where the man adored me, but I lacked passion for him: the created chemistry felt so lake lustre compared to the raw, primal stuff!

 

And the thing is, when I settled for my ex SANS instant chemistry, I one day met a man with whom I DID have instant chemistry and a connection with. I dropper my boyfriend at the time because I wanted to feel alive as opposed to just setting for mediocre chemistry!

 

The thing to ensure is that you aren't the girl who only feels immediate chemistry for jerks. I've personally felt instant chemistry for good guys before who, sadly, werent compatible.

[Leigh 87]

May I add, the strongest instant chemistry I felt was NEVER because of looks...... The hottest man I've dated I felt instant chemistry with...however, the STRONGEST instant connection and chemistry was with less attractive guys! The hottest immediate " head in the clouds" type of feelings were set on fire by the least attractive guys I've dated. Better looks had no bearing on the intensity of attraction.

 

The current guy that just popped into me life seems like a good guy. Calls when he says he will. Arranges to see me. Initiates texts daily. Doesn't blow hot or cold. And sparks were flying in from first moment................ He most likely won't end up being the " One " but then again, why would a guy who I lack the natural and immediate chemistry with necessarily be the " One ", either?

 

Dating is a numbers game. If you feel instant mutual attraction and sparks often enough, you have a great shot at finding a partner. If you seldom EVER felt sparks at first site, you will HAVE to settle with a partner who you're not enamoured with and bypass the butterflies phase.

 

I happen to find lots of men in my daily life who I feel mutual sparks for without online dating. I also happen to feel sparks with good guys. So I am holding out for instant chemistry because a) it's realistic for a girl like me, and b) I am simply not motivated to pursue dating in the absense of that wow factor. It's not for me.

 

At least I am honest with myself. The last guy I skipped the butterflies and fireworks for I dumped when I got sick of missing out on men who DID give me butterflies. He was totally heart broken! I avoid hurting men; I know in my heart of hearts, that meeting a guy who's decent enough and likes me isn't enough. I need their texts to instantly put me in a good mood and to be giddy with excitement before dares. Or else, in my experience, I know that giddy feeling NEVER grows for me. I've tried several times.

 

A man who I am lukewarm about would just be a place holder until i found real mutual passion...... I am more willing to try the passionate route 1000 times and marry at Age 40 to a man who I really feel is the love of my life, rather than perhaps finding a relationship sooner yet with a man who will never make me feel alive in the way a passionate partner would.

 

My ex was about to propose to me. I would have been married. He was totally loyal and devoted to me. I would have marriage and family with a man who adored me.

 

I am about to fly accross the country for true love. And I recently met another true connection and this all feels so alive and amazing. It all feels better than the sure bet, the reliable safe man who adored me and I was 110% certain wanted me............ Where as I have some good signs both passionate men are into me but I am not totally sure since it is such early days!

 

I will be the happiest woman alive if I end up with one of the latest men who I feel true passion for!

[Leigh 87]

Oh and I totally dispelled that feeling crazy about someone from the staff ruins your judgement.

 

You see, I've suffered at the hands of ending jerks and imbeciles by my age of 28 for me to NOT put too much stock in the men who make me weak at the knees.

 

Heck, I am now successfully multi dating. Two men who I felt the rare chemistry and connection with mutually. And because I know the lust and butterflies are usually fleeting and dating rarely works out and it takes years to find true romantic love, I am NOT INVESTING more than is healthy.

 

A seasoned dater who wants the true love story also knows how rare the true love, passionate marriages are and we adjust out expectations accordingly. Ive learnt my lesson. Jumping into even the hottest fireworks seldom works. So, I have developed the ability to find men I am * crazy about * yet still keep my expectations at bay.

 

 

It feels exhilarating.

 

This is living for me. So be it of it takes a little longer to find the wow factor and butterflies and the passion. My friends who found this passionate relationship are still head over heels. They still make out when we go out, it is amazing. They feel thrilled and giddy heard later. No, they don't feel euphoric all the time. The drug induced high has paved the way for more ebbing and flowing sparks.

 

But that above couple is by far the HAPPIEST couple I know. They not only have explosive sex and passion, they're best friends. My parents had the same thing and they are together 30 plus years later.

 

I'd rather be the couple who still feel passion and male out when they're out with friends for a night I'd drinking. I also need the strong friendship and compatability of course. I don't believe passion and compatability are mutually exclusive for many people........ Perhaps some but many people would find the head over heels passion if they stayed single longer and didn't marry the first compatible partner who was compatible..........

[guest569]

Well, i define chemistry as interest, attraction and you just click and feel comfortable with each other. Without those things there is no reason for me to date the person. I might give it 2 dates and i usually am able to make up my mind.

[xxoo]

Whatever the instant feelings, it's going to take a month or so at least to have any idea if this is a good potential match. Attraction and chemistry can grow or fade in that month or two.

 

If you've been dating a guy for months, and your head was dramatically turned by this new guy--he just wasn't for you. It is yet to be revealed if the new guy is for you or not. What really matters is how you feel after a month or two, after getting to know more about each other.