TheBathWater Posted September 6, 2015 Posted September 6, 2015 (edited) I hear some people say if you want a gf/bf...then you should stop searching and it will happen. Do you think this is true? I've been getting discouraged lately but i'm in my mid 30's and want to get married and have a family one day. I feel like time is running out and starting to get worried. It depends how you interpret the advice, really. I think most people say this phrase to suggest you might be coming across as needy, desperate, eager, etc... rather than just living your life as you would normally. If this is fitting/helpful for the dater, then sure, it can be true in that it might orient the person to scale back their approach a bit, thus becoming more attractive. When interpreting the phrase literally, I think the advice is plain ol' dumb. Why can't I both live my life as I normally would and also follow through with pursuing someone who has my interest? Even in my most single months where I am "not looking", I still glance, fantasize, wonder, etc... about certain people who catch my eye. I would never want to try and lie to myself about my feelings and over pursue or under pursue someone just because someone told me to. I guess I prize authenticity, for better or worse. No one would say "the right job will happen when you stop searching for it" and finding a partner should be no different. Your love live IS its own enterprise. I know how you feel... Edited September 6, 2015 by TunaInTheBrine 1
seekingluck Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 This is SO true, I know a couple of male friends that won't date red heads, no matter how hot they are. Yup dumb stuff like "they like a band I hate." I mean you don't have to listen to it together. Now if they based their life around this preference (traveling the world for all the tours or something), I would understand. Where I live, in suburbia, most do marry around this age..just slightly past drinking age. Usually it's to the person they dated in high school only because their are aware their option are limited in a one-horse town. They can't afford to be picky. Now, people are like spoiled little brats wanting their favorite toy that sometimes they may have to do with out and just deal with an off-brand of that toy for budgetary reasons or whatever. They should be happy with what they have. I don't love online dating because it is really easy to both reject people for small reasons and form false intimacy with someone because you have read the novel on their profile. Somehow you know people really well online without knowing them at all. You don't have as much time to build the connection before sharing the minutia.
WonderKid Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 I mean it is two-way street. You can either sit and not date at all and vaguely expect for the one to land in your lap--which is not impossible to happen, or you can put yourself out there a bit. Whether it is by OLDing or going to bars or other various social events that include single people. I cannot stress that enough. When you go to many events, many are just like going to the mall or convenience store; couples everywhere. That whole, "you can meet the one at a grocery store" I heard that so many times. It's what happens in movies not IRL. OLDing is so shallow and it's like playing Minesweeper on 100. But that is how things are done these days. It also really depends on the city. If you live in a city where everyone knows everyone, it's best to think about moving for a change.
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 I think that expression is complete BS. When I'm not looking and actively trying to find a good man, I don't meet anybody new. I think finding a good relationship prospect takes every bit as much time and effort as finding a good job, a good place to live, a good anything. What I've found to be essential is to be extremely clear about what I'm looking for, which is real love. Many people these days are looking for something shallow and casual, so that weeds out most of them. Then you're left with the posers, and that small group of people who are also seeking something real and lasting. You have to look! not looking will mean you'll end up with none. Looking will mean your social circle will be enhanced and therefore more opportunities. I date at least like once a week and with someone new. Although I haven't found someone permanent yet, I do like meals I don't have to pay for and looking pretty on a night out and meeting someone new. And compromise a little, I use to have a list of expectations but that was because I was less experienced, even less than I am now and I am pretty badly inexperienced. Now I just focus on weather or not he is good to me and if I can trust him and he doesn't have too many skeletons in his closet. Ever heard of settling up? The case of settling for Mr Good enough? it's a good book!
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 You have to look! not looking will mean you'll end up with none. Looking will mean your social circle will be enhanced and therefore more opportunities. I date at least like once a week and with someone new. Although I haven't found someone permanent yet, I do like meals I don't have to pay for and looking pretty on a night out and meeting someone new. And compromise a little, I use to have a list of expectations but that was because I was less experienced, even less than I am now and I am pretty badly inexperienced. Now I just focus on weather or not he is good to me and if I can trust him and he doesn't have too many skeletons in his closet. Ever heard of settling up? The case of settling for Mr Good enough? it's a good book! Sorry I quoted you and I'm not sure why I did
Revolver Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 This advice was told to young attractive women who happened to be shy and everyone else thought it applied to them
LookAtThisPOst Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 And compromise a little, I use to have a list of expectations but that was because I was less experienced, even less than I am now and I am pretty badly inexperienced. Bless you on compromising even at least slightly. :-) Most women would condemn you for it as they think you're settling. But apparently, they don't seem to know the difference. But they will eventually learn. I date at least like once a week and with someone new Wow...I'm lucky if I can get 2 dates a year.
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