robmeister1190 Posted September 3, 2015 Posted September 3, 2015 I don't find much, if any truth in that saying. I've heard it so many times that I'm sick of it. I suppose there are rare occasions where it's happened, but I mostly think it's something people say just to try and cheer you up when you're feeling down and discouraged about dating and not being able to find someone.
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 3, 2015 Posted September 3, 2015 When you say it that way, it doesn't sound very romantic for either one of you. I feel for you. It can be very frustrating for a woman dating in your 30s - 40s. 1. The dating pool has narrowed for women due to many potential suiters being in relationships or married. 2. My guy friends who were in LTRs or married took long streches of being single and dating around when compared to my female friends who found themselves single or divorced. Again, not always true for everyone but what I typically see. 3. Women as a whole seem to be more open and more understanding when it comes to dating Men with kids. Another strange thing I noticed was the guys who had kids, all but two ending up marrying a woman who didn't have any. I know this doesn't always true either but I still think women generally have more understanding / compassonate then men when it comes to this and why it's not more 50 / 50. 4. The women who want kids have a ticking clock and pressure which men do not have. 5. Men have much more "success" dating younger women. It's not that women these days cannot date younger men but the likelyhood that the younger man wants to marry isn't nearly as high as older men with younger women. Example: 35 year old guy dating at 25 year old woman compared to a 35 year old woman with a 25 year old guy. 6. No nice way to say this one. Due to number 5 and and a much larger number of younger women who will date guys 5, 10, 15 years older than them compared to younger men who will date women 5, 10, 15 years older than them. It only gets worse because Society at Large puts a lot of value on a woman's appearence / looks and as a general rule and "competing" against younger women who often times look more youthful and more attractive doesn't help. If you ask me and from what I have seen, I believe its more challenging for women than it is for men when they are in their 30s or 40s if they want to date men their own age who are looking for a relationship that could lead to marriage. No, this is not a fact, it's not always true, its not a rule and it may not be your experience what so ever. Just sympothizing and acknowledging that my friends and I seem to have much easier than our friends our age who are women. I do want to say, that I still know a lot of my female friends in their 30 - 40s who in spite of the challenges above ending up meeting awesome guys and many of them are married or will be in the near future. Yes, this is all true. At my age, if you want to find a good man, you will not only have to do the intensive social rounds but also prepare to date down in every way (looks, success, baggage (kids/divorce) etc). I won't lie, it's pretty grim. It's tough when you come to a realization that you have only one life and you have missed out.
kilgore Posted September 3, 2015 Posted September 3, 2015 Yes, this is all true. At my age, if you want to find a good man, you will not only have to do the intensive social rounds but also prepare to date down in every way (looks, success, baggage (kids/divorce) etc). I won't lie, it's pretty grim. It's tough when you come to a realization that you have only one life and you have missed out. But you're not dead. Why do you think you can't find someone? The odds are always against it until it happens. 1
LookAtThisPOst Posted September 3, 2015 Posted September 3, 2015 Yes, this is all true. At my age, if you want to find a good man, you will not only have to do the intensive social rounds but also prepare to date down in every way (looks, success, baggage (kids/divorce) etc). I won't lie, it's pretty grim. It's tough when you come to a realization that you have only one life and you have missed out. Exactly, women that are older are going to have to throw away their unrealistic expectations when it comes to dating, so they may want to consider the guy turned down with the receding hairline or a man under 6 feet tall. (as an example.) It's likely rather humbling for them, but that's a good thing as it also shows maturity. :-)
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 3, 2015 Posted September 3, 2015 Exactly, women that are older are going to have to throw away their unrealistic expectations when it comes to dating, so they may want to consider the guy turned down with the receding hairline or a man under 6 feet tall. (as an example.) It's likely rather humbling for them, but that's a good thing as it also shows maturity. :-) Women can also decide to remain single.
LookAtThisPOst Posted September 3, 2015 Posted September 3, 2015 Women can also decide to remain single. True, but sounds like you're not. Sounds like you're reaching that tipping point.
carhill Posted September 3, 2015 Posted September 3, 2015 Will that choice (to remain single) and actively choosing to ignore, with clarity, segments of the population facilitate finding, or otherwise meeting, the one? One aspect of clearly and unwaveringly adhering to preferences is that one doesn't spend any real or pyshological time with, or present their aura to, people they choose not to interact with, at any level. This could free up time and opportunities for a timeline of the one to intersect with their own. Possible.
LookAtThisPOst Posted September 3, 2015 Posted September 3, 2015 Will that choice (to remain single) and actively choosing to ignore, with clarity, segments of the population facilitate finding, or otherwise meeting, the one? One aspect of clearly and unwaveringly adhering to preferences is that one doesn't spend any real or pyshological time with, or present their aura to, people they choose not to interact with, at any level. This could free up time and opportunities for a timeline of the one to intersect with their own. Possible. This is quite disturbing finding that there are women out there that would not even consider real life social events, getting out of their comfort zone, etc. and would prefer to just be logged into Match.com or doing whatever online on a Sat. night. I knew of one woman that would always refuse to hang out with her other single friends on a GNO night or just any social gathering. It's funny how women of this age think they are "Settling", there's a publication called "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough " I pretty much take this authors advice as gospel as far as how she recognizes a single woman's silly expectations in a future mate. It doesn't mean a woman should "lower her standards" as she's led herself to believe, but about maturing and having reasonable expectations. This suggest the overly unrealistic single woman in her 40s/50s are actually not mature when it comes to this and thos have resolved themselves dating an average looking man or whatever flaws that these men may have is a step towards maturity. Otherwise , some choose to remain immature about it.
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 3, 2015 Posted September 3, 2015 True, but sounds like you're not. Sounds like you're reaching that tipping point. Want to date?
edgygirl Posted September 3, 2015 Posted September 3, 2015 Your last phrase is one of the saddest things I've read here but I do identify with it. It dawned on me recently that women should date men around 10 years older than them if they want a real relationship leading to marriage. Always. If you're 25, date a 32-35 yo. If you're 35, date a 42-45 yo. If you're 45, go at least for a 52 yo. I am not sure why I haven't realized it before. It's very clear now. Unfortunately this leaves me these days with men who do have baggage and all the complications that come from that. The problem for me specifically is that up to now, I was never attracted to men older than me. Lately I am learning to be. Not sure if because I am lowering my standards or because I am trying to see people with other eyes. Yes, this is all true. At my age, if you want to find a good man, you will not only have to do the intensive social rounds but also prepare to date down in every way (looks, success, baggage (kids/divorce) etc). I won't lie, it's pretty grim. It's tough when you come to a realization that you have only one life and you have missed out.
Gary S Posted September 3, 2015 Posted September 3, 2015 Will you find a partner when you are not looking? - Sometimes you find them when you are looking, sometimes you find them when you are not looking.
Yummm Posted September 3, 2015 Posted September 3, 2015 I think it's unfair to judge a man and 'write him off' so to speak based on his age. I'm 22 and have dated a couple women 4+ years older than me and they were MUCH more emotionally immature and unstable than I imagined. A lot of girls would write me off simply because of my age, yet I feel that i'm definitely NOT like many 22 year old guys, have my head screwed on correctly and know what to provide and what I WANT from a serious relationship potential. But alas, that's life. I have to date people my age only to be disappointed at how emotionally immature they are! To answer OP's question: I found my first love when I wasn't looking, she literally fell onto my doorstep. That was my only serious RS so I don't really know if looking does the trick either
cookiemonster26 Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 Nothing could be more wrong. Like Gaeta, I can speak from experience. If you don't get out there, nothing comes to you. There's a central issue with the phrase and the concept. Most people are naturally sociable. They have a social network, they go out at least some weekends, they do after work drinks. They grow up that way, with that privilege. What they mean by "stop trying" is just live what their normal life is like, which still brings them opportunities to meet partners. What they mean by "trying" is clubbing Friday and Saturday nights, having accounts on 3 dating sites and every app going, going to singles events etc, full spectrum warfare. For them, the advice works. Stop investing time and effort into "meeting" someone and inevitably it starts going into themselves and doing things they enjoy, which is going to make them happier more enthusiastic, attractive people, and bring them into contact with like minds. There are people, plenty of them, whose default life is not sociable. Either through choice or circumstance. Their free time is spent alone in their apartment, they don't go out, their friends are a bit rubbish, they wouldn't go out with their work colleagues if they still got paid for it. For them, "trying" is doing the things other people do by default. "Not trying" is shutting themselves away as usual. They'll literally never meet anyone. Years will pass, even decades. Mayne Netflix will make a dating service that connects you to singles in your area warching the same shows so that you can meet more people in the comfort of your apartment jkjk. I completely agree with this post. I think when people say "stop looking" it means getting out and doing this you enjoy. Instead of forcing yourself to date to "find someone" let it happen while you are doing something you are passionate about. With that being said, some for of social interaction needs to happen if you want to meet new people
cookiemonster26 Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 I stopped looking in my mid-20s and didn't have a date in 4 years. My default and relaxed state is to go home after work, go to the gym and watch netflix. Socializing takes an effort as I am naturally introverted with a preference for solitary activities. I had to consciously look every single time I dated someone. Finding a job is such a breeze and takes much less work than dating for me. You know what else? I spoke to a number of women that are now in their late 40s/50s and have never married. One thing all of them have in common? At some point in their mid-late 30s they stopped looking. If you stop looking, you will end up alone. I don't really agree with this. A few years back I was super busy and stressed with school, and I didn't do anything but study in the library. A relationship was the last thing on my mind. Randomly one day a person I knew a few years back messaged me on Facebook, we reconnected, became friends and had a relationship. I think there is some truth to this but it's mostly in that the less desperate you are the more attractive you are to people.
seekingluck Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 Exactly. And we can presume a lot of introverts hang out on this site. Extroverts generally don't like to write a lot about their thoughts and feelings. Typing on a message board is, in general, an introverted, solitary activity. So for most of us to "stop looking" means we're spending more quiet time at home not meeting anybody new. Not a good strategy if you want to find love. Meh. I am an extroverted, like writing, and like message boards. Always have. It is another social outlet to share a different dimension of my personality. As for the topic? I go out often-ish. I am pretty social and active in all sorts of stuff. Unfortunately the stuff I like isn't quite geared towards meeting other singles. The people I meet out are too young, too old, too married or too female (and I am straight). I still go out there. But I wonder if I should find one new interest to meet different people.
seekingluck Posted September 4, 2015 Posted September 4, 2015 Yes, this is all true. At my age, if you want to find a good man, you will not only have to do the intensive social rounds but also prepare to date down in every way (looks, success, baggage (kids/divorce) etc). I won't lie, it's pretty grim. It's tough when you come to a realization that you have only one life and you have missed out. I also find men have a lot more incentive to be perma-children these days. It is pretty interesting on how quickly that turned. Since the dating pool for men is "larger" that don't feel like they are missing out if they wait until their late 30s, 40s, etc.... 1
Imprevist Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 (edited) I hear some people say if you want a gf/bf...then you should stop searching and it will happen. Do you think this is true? I've been getting discouraged lately but i'm in my mid 30's and want to get married and have a family one day. I feel like time is running out and starting to get worried. First off nothing happens without taking some form of action. You can't just sit there and let life pass you by waiting for "the one". As a man you have to be actively seeking as men are the initiaters and "supposed" to make things happen. Women rarely take the lead and responsibility in a relationship, nor should they. When people say to "stop looking and it will come", this only applies to women as they are the ones who constantly get approached by men, so therefore they should be patient as the "right one" will eventually approach them...However, they also have to be open as looks can be extremely deceiving. As for a man, you can be handsome, successful, and in the right place at the right time and STILL women will rarely if ever make that first move, it's your responsibility as a man to own the frame, remember this. It all boils down to behavior, sure women like looks and status but at the end of the day your behavior and confidence will help or hinder your success more than anything else. Edited September 5, 2015 by Imprevist
writergal Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 My advice is from the Godfather: Go to the mattresses... in the nonviolent, romantic sense. *Ahem*.
seekingluck Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 LOL! Come on, life isn't fair. Sometimes you're the windshield and sometimes you're the bug. No matter your gender, it sure does help if you find the humor in the double standards / stereotypes that both genders think, feel, experience. Hell, most of my friends and I were the poster child for them and we didn't take it personal or blame women for our lot in life. So please, let's not gloss over and pretend girls don't have double standards / stereotypes of their own. For many guys in their late teens / early 20s attempting to date (50% or more of the Dating Forum) or the ones who USE to have a LTR GF (70% of the Break-up Forum) get their ass handed too them because the girls in their 20s they want to date or their EX decided they wanted to ride the "bad boy" rollercoaster or "upgrade" with the dreamy late 20s / early 30s Stud Muffin with more to "offer". The above "Phenomenon" (teen / 20 something female double standards / stereotypes) happens all the time and my friends and I being on the recieving end of it many times, didn't blame women for it or get upset. Hell, we expected it and knew it was coming. Why can't women 30+ years old do the same with 30+ year old men who want to have "fun" and prefer to date younger women who have more to "offer"? At the very least, you shouldn't be surprised by it's common knowledge if you ask me. I'd really like for someone to explain to me the difference between a 20 something year old women who ""upgraded" her BF becase the new older guy had more to "offer" or going through "bad boy" phase compared to 30 - 40 something year old men doing their "bad girl" phase or "upgrading" with a 20 something year old girl who has more to "offer". Honestly, there doesn't seem to be ANY difference at all to me aside from when you do it. I live in a region where 45 year olds think anyone older than 30 is too old. That is silly. I meet those 45 year olds. We are in a weird time where everyone feels like there are so many options that they can look online and abroad and so on, that they "reject" people for seemingly unimportant stuff. Like eye color. It takes a long time for people to sort out what is on their list is a must and a nice to have, because it isn't a cultural norm anymore to be paired off by 23.
LookAtThisPOst Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 I live in a region where 45 year olds think anyone older than 30 is too old. That is silly. I meet those 45 year olds. We are in a weird time where everyone feels like there are so many options that they can look online and abroad and so on, that they "reject" people for seemingly unimportant stuff. Like eye color. This is SO true, I know a couple of male friends that won't date red heads, no matter how hot they are. It takes a long time for people to sort out what is on their list is a must and a nice to have, because it isn't a cultural norm anymore to be paired off by 23. Where I live, in suburbia, most do marry around this age..just slightly past drinking age. Usually it's to the person they dated in high school only because their are aware their option are limited in a one-horse town. They can't afford to be picky. Now, people are like spoiled little brats wanting their favorite toy that sometimes they may have to do with out and just deal with an off-brand of that toy for budgetary reasons or whatever. They should be happy with what they have.
LookAtThisPOst Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 Be that as it may, it doesn't stop the 23 year old woman from wanting to "upgrade" with a guy 5 to 10 years older who they believe has more to "offer" than guys her own age. It also doesn't stop the 33 year old guy from wanting to "upgrade" with a woman 5 - 10 years younger who they believe has more to "offer" than women their own age. I'm not surprised this does happen, but they are the pathetic ones for dropping their current sig. other for the bigger, better deal. (BBD). Treating the relationship as if it were disposable material item that they can "upgrade." Again, pathetic.
Vercetti Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 Your last phrase is one of the saddest things I've read here but I do identify with it. It dawned on me recently that women should date men around 10 years older than them if they want a real relationship leading to marriage. Always. If you're 25, date a 32-35 yo. If you're 35, date a 42-45 yo. If you're 45, go at least for a 52 yo. I am not sure why I haven't realized it before. It's very clear now. Unfortunately this leaves me these days with men who do have baggage and all the complications that come from that. The problem for me specifically is that up to now, I was never attracted to men older than me. Lately I am learning to be. Not sure if because I am lowering my standards or because I am trying to see people with other eyes. On the flip side I married a girl 10 years older. My peers and younger, waste of time. So it's a two way street, yet I do feel bad for all the Peter pans women deal with.
Fuerza Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 I have a male friend who is the complete opposite, he meets girls from Tinder and a billion other apps trying to find the one. It's getting quite ridiculous how long his lists of girls he met is. But because he is so desperate he probably gives off this vibe when on dates with these girls, making the girls friendzone him. Every single one of them has friendzoned him, it's so sad. When I was younger I did believe that when you aren't looking for someone you will meet someone. And for most of my experiences this has been correct as I've met guys that were interested in me on the most bizarre moments/places ever lol. On the other hand, now that I'm older I definitely think you should be getting yourself out there but just don't overdo it like my male friend.
salparadise Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 I hear some people say if you want a gf/bf...then you should stop searching and it will happen. Do you think this is true? I've been getting discouraged lately but i'm in my mid 30's and want to get married and have a family one day. I feel like time is running out and starting to get worried. That's right up there with, everything happens for a reason. I think you'd best keep trying... and keep your fingers crossed.
WomenWubber Posted September 5, 2015 Posted September 5, 2015 I hear some people say if you want a gf/bf...then you should stop searching and it will happen. Do you think this is true? I've been getting discouraged lately but i'm in my mid 30's and want to get married and have a family one day. I feel like time is running out and starting to get worried. Nope. But if they are looking, they might find you.
Recommended Posts