kilgore Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 Exactly. And we can presume a lot of introverts hang out on this site. Extroverts generally don't like to write a lot about their thoughts and feelings. Typing on a message board is, in general, an introverted, solitary activity. So for most of us to "stop looking" means we're spending more quiet time at home not meeting anybody new. Not a good strategy if you want to find love. My boyfriend and I broke up last week. The breakup wasn't dramatic - we just discovered a major irreconcilable difference we could not work through. I'm not going to be looking for a while, and I'm pretty sure that as long as I'm not looking, I won't even meet any potential dates. It took me a year and a half of pretty regular, focused searching to find him. So close - but no cigar. I'll date again once I start looking for dates. But isn't it worth to go out and do stuff you enjoy without making it all about dating?
Popsicle Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 You have to take care of yourself and go out, but not care about finding someone. 2
kilgore Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 You have to take care of yourself and go out, but not care about finding someone. Right. Do stuff for their own sake not because it will lead to finding a partner
carhill Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 But isn't it worth to go out and do stuff you enjoy without making it all about dating? Absolutely, and I always encourage people to live life to the full. Absent family-specific socializing (my exW had a large family), my habits in that regard haven't changed since divorcing. The main difference from prior to being married, the period of pursuit anyway, is that I'm not actively seeking out single women for the purposes of dating and mating. No online profiles, no purposeful singling out and flirting with potentially single women, no targeted social interactions that I wouldn't otherwise do because, as you suggested, I enjoy them. If I do something, it's because of the thing, not meeting women. And yup, I've met women all along, whether on the ground, in the air, all around the world. All it takes, for me anyway, is to not be the missile of pursuit and nothing happens. Pretty easy. Still quite enjoyable. It certainly doesn't work that way for everyone. That's why the vast majority of people are paired off or married. In the back of their mind, when they weren't, being so was their natural state so that's how they presented their aura to the world. Those of us who don't present in that manner are invisible. IMO, some of it is natural and some is purposeful. Some of us aren't meant to be widely acknowledged for such relationships, romantic ones, even though we have many other kinds of fulfilling and healthy relationships. It's just how life works out.
Vercetti Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 Not looking or even thinking about wanting to date worked for my wife. Just on the other side I was looking / looking for her. She even had friends tell her when least expect it. Anyhow perhaps being male can't be as passive and lucky. Just there is something to random. If went out looking for a best friend, that would be insane. Maybe looking for a friend lover person to spend life with in clunky forced ways is just as nuts.
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 Exactly. And we can presume a lot of introverts hang out on this site. Extroverts generally don't like to write a lot about their thoughts and feelings. Typing on a message board is, in general, an introverted, solitary activity. So for most of us to "stop looking" means we're spending more quiet time at home not meeting anybody new. Not a good strategy if you want to find love. My boyfriend and I broke up last week. The breakup wasn't dramatic - we just discovered a major irreconcilable difference we could not work through. I'm not going to be looking for a while, and I'm pretty sure that as long as I'm not looking, I won't even meet any potential dates. It took me a year and a half of pretty regular, focused searching to find him. So close - but no cigar. I'll date again once I start looking for dates. Sorry to hear that Ruby. I went through something similar a month ago only in my situation there were problems all along so I kind of knew it won't work out. I give myself a permision to do what I like for the next few months; so netflix, hanging out at home and reading forums and some travelling I know that I will need to start doing intensive rounds of OLD, meet-ups and social events if I ever want to meet someone. I have accepted that I will need to sacrifice some short term discomfort for the sake of my long term happiness. 1
Frank2thepoint Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 Not looking or even thinking about wanting to date worked for my wife. Just on the other side I was looking / looking for her. She even had friends tell her when least expect it. I'm pointing out this comment specifically because this is the true nature of how finding dates or relationships works for each gender. Men have to seek, to initiate, and be proactive. Women don't. There are exceptions, but for the most part this is how it is. A man has to be out there and find opportunities to approach a woman and connect with her. Women can afford to be care free and nonchalant about it, because they generally don't need to search for it. 2
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 I'm pointing out this comment specifically because this is the true nature of how finding dates or relationships works for each gender. Men have to seek, to initiate, and be proactive. Women don't. There are exceptions, but for the most part this is how it is. A man has to be out there and find opportunities to approach a woman and connect with her. Women can afford to be care free and nonchalant about it, because they generally don't need to search for it. So you are ignoring all the women on here that tell you differently? 2
Woggle Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 I know I met my wife when the last thing I was looking for was a wife. I don't know how it happened but I do think that when your focus is on other areas of life you tend to make better choices.
Author 40 Fonzarelli Posted September 1, 2015 Author Posted September 1, 2015 Right. Do stuff for their own sake not because it will lead to finding a partner The problem is, some activities that one finds enjoyable does not always open up opportuniities to meet people. For example, if I play tennis with a male friend. Or go fishing. Just following my hobbies and doing what I like to do won't get me anywhere. So I have to care, and actively look. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 The problem is, some activities that one finds enjoyable does not always open up opportuniities to meet people. For example, if I play tennis with a male friend. Or go fishing. Just following my hobbies and doing what I like to do won't get me anywhere. So I have to care, and actively look. Exactly. For example I enjoy going to my married friend's house and having a BBQ in her backyard and listen to music/gossip. Only other people I see there are her H, kids and occasionally a 60 yo neighbor. That's not exactly going to lead me to single men
Redhead14 Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 Agree with the others. I don't think someone will mystically appear if you stop looking and thereby also stop putting yourself out there. I never met anybody just coming home from work and watching TV on my couch or spending time at my friends' couches. You probably shouldn't revolve your whole life around meeting someone, (because that will exhaust you and make you look desperate) but you should make sure you leave the house and go to places where you can interact with other people, at least some of whom are potential singles. And if you are not against Online Dating, you should probably try that too. I know there is lots of negativity out there about online dating, but half of my serious relationships (including my current one) came from online dating. Good luck! I don't think someone will mystically appear -- Right, no one will mystically appear -- but what does happen is that the "real" you appears and attracts someone who likes the real you. He should go out often, be himself and relaxed.
Vercetti Posted September 1, 2015 Posted September 1, 2015 I'm pointing out this comment specifically because this is the true nature of how finding dates or relationships works for each gender. Men have to seek, to initiate, and be proactive. Women don't. There are exceptions, but for the most part this is how it is. A man has to be out there and find opportunities to approach a woman and connect with her. Women can afford to be care free and nonchalant about it, because they generally don't need to search for it. My wife simpley was on social networks. Decade ago dug MySpace to see who would ask out if I was single. When became single found her on Facebook. Friended her, flirty song she liked to test the water. Then she posted a picture of her new years date, a cat sitting on the couch. All I needed to know is 100% single, so she wasn't completely passive...Just still. Sorry for the women that don't have men hunting them down...the amount of guys I see in public dressing like women playing with unicorns with cats on shirts might have something to do with it.
Frank2thepoint Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 So you are ignoring all the women on here that tell you differently? Oh ES, you exemplify my posit. You've admitted being on 100+ dates, so you can afford to not care about looking. Your milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
Leigh 87 Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 I'm dating two lovely guys right now. One I met on a train. The other was doing water maintenance on my flats...... Last year I met a guy at a concert and while I was at a market. Last weekend my friend who invited me to dinner with her, her partner and her partners good male friend. The male friends was really into me. Good job, successful and loved travelling like me only no spark was present. When I was in Berlin, i met a guy who lived in my small coastal town near Sydney! I met him in a hostel and we really hit it off at the time and planned to date. There are many more I've met in real life. O dated a taxi driver the other month also........... I stand out like a sore thumb though - I wear pretty retro dresses with polka dots or hlscj retro dresses with red flowers that clash wish my blonde hair. Elderly ladies regularly compliment my outfits.
Leigh 87 Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 And despite meeting ample men in my everyday life IN ADDITION to meeting men online who always become enamoured with me and are decent seeming men who treat me wonderfully - I AM STILL SINGLE. I have yet to find the spark and instant chemistry and passion with a person who not only feels just as crazy about me as I do about him, yet is also compatible and available. If you don't look at all you're going to remain single for life. look at all the genuine offers I get from decent men and look how rare it is to find a high degree of chemistry and compatibility? True romantic love is so rare at late 20 s plus that you not only need to make yourself attractive and desirable, so you get plenty of approaches in public like j do, but you also need to look actively on top of any attention you get. It takes years to find true romantic love. The more men you date the faster you will find true love.
Eternal Sunshine Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 Leigh - you seem like an extrovert to me.
WonderKid Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 Nah I don't believe it. Folks been telling me that since I was 15. Lol I went to way more social events. My anima is introvert but persona is extrovert. Each year I get better at actively talking. I would like that one person I could connect with, but obssessing over it is just not worth it to me. I just left it alone. Since I left it alone, I haven't ran into "The One", but I have ran into many.
LookAtThisPOst Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 I hear some people say if you want a gf/bf...then you should stop searching and it will happen. Do you think this is true? I've been getting discouraged lately but i'm in my mid 30's and want to get married and have a family one day. I feel like time is running out and starting to get worried. I think it's a cliche' people made up to make people feel better about being single. lol Without actively seeking to a certain extent or taking action, you'll wind up staying single if you're not actively being social with others.
WonderKid Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 ^^^ Actually I found it's the ones taken and in a relationship are the ones who say it frequently
LookAtThisPOst Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 ^^^ Actually I found it's the ones taken and in a relationship are the ones who say it frequently Yeah, and they apparently "claim" that's how it happened with them. Don't tell me there wasn't any kind of planned agenda at attempting to get together. 1
Leigh 87 Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 Leigh - you seem like an extrovert to me. With men I am one on one. With random members of the public I am. But I dont do groups. I don't dance. I am the opposite of the life of the party. 1
d0nnivain Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 The problem is, some activities that one finds enjoyable does not always open up opportuniities to meet people. For example, if I play tennis with a male friend. Or go fishing. Just following my hobbies and doing what I like to do won't get me anywhere. So I have to care, and actively look. You have to take what you like & turn it into opportunities. Smile at any woman in the vicinity of the bait shop. Take up mixed doubles tennis or at least hang around the courts after your match. Perhaps take a tennis class / lessons.
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 If your a woman he's, a man, nope
pleasedtomeetyou Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 Yes, you have to be someone extroverted for this to work. I understand that some people are naturally introverted, but really how many activities are completely solitary in all of their forms? Almost everything can be turned into some sort of activity. You like reading? join a book club. Enjoy hiking? join a hiking group. Workout out? do group classes. If you are not willing to try any of these, then you are going to have problems. Not only that, but it shows that you're inflexible, which is a terrible quality for a relationship IMO.
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