leehamilton Posted August 30, 2015 Posted August 30, 2015 So I just started dating again and met a guy I really like but I am beyond confused now. We've been on 2 dates and they were amazing. We had great chemistry, hung out late together and got along very well. After our second date which went amazingly well, he goes a little cold. Stops texting me as often but tells me he is very busy at work. After work one day he tells me he wants to see me and introduce me to his friends. I was pretty shocked after having not heard from him as much I thought he had lost interest. I went out with him that night and hung out with one of his best childhood friends, we had a really great night together. We end up back at my place and he tells me he want to wait to sleep with me…we had both been drinking a lot too. That was the last time I saw him, I've been trying to see him again but he keeps using work as an excuse. I tried seeing him Thursday night and he couldn't, apologized and told me he would text me the following day. He never did. I'm curious what is going on. In person he is all over me, and seems extremely interested. Almost acts as if he is my boyfriend when we're together. Could someone explain what is going on? I'm very confused if I should move on or wait around. I'm not planning on reaching out to him but rather he come to me.
Redhead14 Posted August 30, 2015 Posted August 30, 2015 He only wants sex with you . . . How old are you? Dont chase him. Move on. 2
katiegrl Posted August 30, 2015 Posted August 30, 2015 (edited) So I just started dating again and met a guy I really like but I am beyond confused now. We've been on 2 dates and they were amazing. We had great chemistry, hung out late together and got along very well. After our second date which went amazingly well, he goes a little cold. Stops texting me as often but tells me he is very busy at work. After work one day he tells me he wants to see me and introduce me to his friends. I was pretty shocked after having not heard from him as much I thought he had lost interest. I went out with him that night and hung out with one of his best childhood friends, we had a really great night together. We end up back at my place and he tells me he want to wait to sleep with me…we had both been drinking a lot too. ------------ ****That was the last time I saw him, I've been trying to see him again but he keeps using work as an excuse. I tried seeing him Thursday night and he couldn't, apologized and told me he would text me the following day. He never did. ***** -------------- I'm curious what is going on. In person he is all over me, and seems extremely interested. Almost acts as if he is my boyfriend when we're together. Could someone explain what is going on? I'm very confused if I should move on or wait around. I'm not planning on reaching out to him but rather he come to me. Quote in asterisk above (sixth paragraph) -- Big mistake. Huge! Stop trying to see him. In these very early stages, let him pursue you. I can't stress this enough, seriously. Just leave him (and any man you just dating) ALONE. Text once, if no response back, just leave him alone. Let him come to you. The amount of threads created recently by women experiencing this is getting ridiculous! Not saying this to toot my own horn, but when I was dating (currently in LTR) ...I have never had a guy fade on me. I have never had a guy break a date with me ...I have never had a guy break up with me! Why? Because I basically left them alone! Oh, I was extremely responsive, affectionate, sexual, fun, playful, happy ...even initiated once in awhile (which thrilled them actually) but I always followed his lead, gave him plenty of space (and was intuitive enough to know when he needed space), maintained strong boundaries, had low expectations, did not nag, did not pressure, did not push, never tolerated any push/pull crap...and did I mention that for the most part, unless he came to me, I left him alone! I am talking about the early stages, not once you become exclusive girlfriend/boyfriend. As a result ...most men I dated ended up falling in love me, two of my boyfriends (including current) want/wanted to marry me! So for the love of all things beautiful in this world, stop chasing! Stop *trying* to see him. Text ONCE, no response back, move on. If he wants to see you again, he knows where to find you.... Edited August 30, 2015 by katiegrl 10
Strahatmak Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 A man who truly wants to become serious will do his work. Because he wants to see you. Because he cares abbout you even if you are out of sight. You've asked; it's fine, you've done you communication. Now sit back and see how he will respond. Be an audience and you will see what kind of a man he truly is. 1
menyou Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 Katie, just out of curiousity, how responsive were all of the men you have ever dated? In the beginning did you meet up very often? Speak/text daily? You say you left them alone and gave them space. Would this be hours, days or weeks we are talking? Please note that I agree with you 100%.
katiegrl Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 (edited) Katie, just out of curiousity, how responsive were all of the men you have ever dated? In the beginning did you meet up very often? Speak/text daily? You say you left them alone and gave them space. Would this be hours, days or weeks we are talking? Please note that I agree with you 100%. No we did not text/talk every day. Oh they tried, but I had strong boundaries because I knew that in most cases, men who dash in quickly, dash OUT just as quickly. It was up to ME to set the pace, the pace *I* was comfortable with, which was slow and strady so as to allow our emotional connection to develop gradually and naturally. Note I also needed MY space! If, after spending an intense weekend together (which yes included sex), he needed a couple days of space, I did not freak out and allowed him that space. I did not bug him, nag him ...I basically just left him alone and did my own thing. When I finally heard from him, I was happy to hear from him, never even brought up why he did not call, and we continued dating and getting closer. I had only one guy who became ambivalent (about three months in) who became uncertain about moving forward, and he communicated that to me, and took about three weeks of *space* to figure stuff out (his feelings) ....during this time I left him alone and did my own thing. After three weeks, he came back, told me he was in love with me, and we were together for four years after that. He was one of my boyfriends who asked me to marry him, but I wasn't ready (or did not want to marry him) so I broke up with him. I always found the dating "dance" would change, sometimes a guy I was dating came on strong, then he would pull back (days NOT weeks!). I never freaked out, I just rolled with it, the ebb and flow...left him alone and did my own thing! I think being flexible to these changes and all the ebbs and flows is really important. I have always been able to do that pretty easily, not sure why ...maybe cause I have always been super independent ... sort of a free spirit so to speak. I guess men are drawn to that ...either that or I have just been very lucky to date good guys ...and am intuitive enough to weed out the bad guys very early on..... Edited August 31, 2015 by katiegrl 4
MixedUpChick Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 ..either that or I have just been very lucky to date good guys ...and am intuitive enough to weed out the bad guys very early on..... I think you've been very lucky. My approach is very similar to yours, but I've had a few experiences with men seeming very into me after several dates, then just vanishing without a word. When that happens, I just move on. You're lucky not to have run into any of the flakes. To the OP: Don't contact him, don't waste any time or energy stressing over it - you've only been on a few dates. If you don't hear from him, it's because he's not that into you. I read an article recently about dating, the gist of it was that if someone really wants to date you, they'll make time & will find a way to date you. This guy sounds like he either isn't actually interested or maybe he's juggling other women (nothing wrong with that after only a few dates). Either way, you shouldn't be sitting around waiting to hear from him, date other people or find other things to do & don't let yourself get too invested in new guys so quickly. 1
Ami1uwant Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 If I am following this...Katie says to play games.....great advice. I'm sure Katie is probably very attractive so she really didn't have to worry because other guys would come chasing her.
Ami1uwant Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 How I see it.... You aren't the only girl he is dating. You mightbe option 2 that he has dating but if a new option comes hell date them before you. He does like you which is why he didn't sleep with you.
katiegrl Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 (edited) If I am following this...Katie says to play games.....great advice. I'm sure Katie is probably very attractive so she really didn't have to worry because other guys would come chasing her. Actually no it was never a *game* to me ...behaving this way is my genuine and natural personality. As I said I am super independent, sort of a free spirit ...and hell I need a lot of space too! Even in my current RL (5+ years) I STILL behave this way and we live together! No....it is most definitely NOT a game! Not to me, and the guys I dated (including my current) never ever felt I was playing a game either....and trust me if they did they would have told me cause the guys I dated and especially my current bf have extremely strong personalities and would never let me get away with that crap! Edited August 31, 2015 by katiegrl 2
katiegrl Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 If I am following this...Katie says to play games.....great advice. I'm sure Katie is probably very attractive so she really didn't have to worry because other guys would come chasing her. Also I fail to see how leaving a man alone when he is clearly pulling back for whatever reason is playing a game. What would you suggest? That she chase him down, demanding to know why he's not calling? Lol You must have forgotten what I said in my first post, which was she should send him one text, a nice text, and if he does not not respond, to then leave him alone and do her own thing. Can you explain how you get that SHE is playing a game? Thanks a bunch! :bunny: 1
Gaeta Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 It could be anything: * he is not totally single * his ex got back in touch with him * he realized he's not ready to date * he was out for some sex but changed his mind (too drunk) * he's multidating and the other girl got more interesting. You were into him, you felt he was into you. You were having fun and enjoying him. You did nothing wrong. If showing my interest to a man means he'll run away then let them run. I've had boyfriends before and I didn't have to play mysterious to get them interested.
Gaeta Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 Also I fail to see how leaving a man alone when he is clearly pulling back for whatever reason is playing a game. What would you suggest? That she chase him down, demanding to know why he's not calling? Lol You must have forgotten what I said in my first post, which was she should send him one text, a nice text, and if he does not not respond, to then leave him alone and do her own thing. Can you explain how you get that SHE is playing a game? Thanks a bunch! :bunny: You're absolutely right when a man is pulling away you let him. It's just that your previous post came across as if you were saying if you want to keep a man's attention then play independent, don't reach out, be busy etc.
katiegrl Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 (edited) You're absolutely right when a man is pulling away you let him. It's just that your previous post came across as if you were saying if you want to keep a man's attention then play independent, don't reach out, be busy etc. No I did not suggest to *play* independent....how about learn to just **BE** more independent, that might help. (Not you specifically Gaeta). I also said to reach out ONCE (did you miss that?) and if he does not respond then move on. As far as being busy, yes sometimes I was genuinely busy! Is that not allowed? I did not *pretend* to be busy,.and I do NOT advocate pretending to be busy or pretending anything else. I knew my post was gonna get dissected, twisted and turned into a negative, me playing games, me advising to play games ...etc etc etc, this is precisely why I don't start threads. Ugh. Disappointing. Edited August 31, 2015 by katiegrl 2
Zippy2000 Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 I agree with Katie. Although it hasn`t happened to all the women I dated. However there have been at least 2 I can think of where I did my own thing like Katie is mentioning. One girl I met from OLD but after 2 dates I paid for everything and as my interest in her was declining. I wasnt aware of it at the time as I started hanging out with friends and doing my own thing. I began to think less of her. Only for her to start texting me and asking me out more. Maybe its the fact humans like a bit of a challenge and want what the cant have and as soon as they figure out youre not around. The come sniffing about for you. 2
Versacehottie Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 The amount of threads created recently by women experiencing this is getting ridiculous! OMG, I know we got a little off topic, but I completely agree!!! I'm losing my mind that I can write lengthy posts trying to help people out on this not rocket science concept and they don't get it!!! Most of us get burned once, but if you're here on this site, the answer is right in front of you. They should read other people's posts so they can remove themselves emotionally from their own situation. And they will see the answer time after time after time. This is not a new story. People want someone compelling and you have to send that message!!! 1
Versacehottie Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 Quote in asterisk above (sixth paragraph) -- Big mistake. Huge! Stop trying to see him. In these very early stages, let him pursue you. Yep, OP this is the mistake. Let him pursue you.
Versacehottie Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 No I did not suggest to *play* independent....how about learn to just **BE** more independent, that might help. This^^^^ is a version of what I keep trying to say. Girls must have their own interest, own priorities, own standards that are set before they even meet the guy they are going to go on a date with. Letting a guy pursue you isn't just games with texting, phone and date occurrences. It's having real life and other priorities so that they are compelled to make their way into being one of your priorities. OP, I am just reiterating how great of points these are. These are the tips that will get you what you want as far as being in a relationship with a guy. There are several threads going on right now (probably all on first page) where people have been in similar situation as you. There are extensive answers on there as well. For your situation. Pull back, don't contact, see what he does. I think it's too far gone but hopefully you've learned the lesson for next time. Good luck 1
Ami1uwant Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 Also I fail to see how leaving a man alone when he is clearly pulling back for whatever reason is playing a game. What would you suggest? That she chase him down, demanding to know why he's not calling? Lol You must have forgotten what I said in my first post, which was she should send him one text, a nice text, and if he does not not respond, to then leave him alone and do her own thing. Can you explain how you get that SHE is playing a game? Thanks a bunch! :bunny: There is no method on reading if a guy is pulling back or not. What you are saying if you think he's pulling back just let him pull back even though that isn't what's going on. It's about communication and making an effort to communicate and not playing games of ill own text him once then ignore him.
katiegrl Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 (edited) There is no method on reading if a guy is pulling back or not. What you are saying if you think he's pulling back just let him pull back even though that isn't what's going on. It's about communication and making an effort to communicate and not playing games of ill own text him once then ignore him. Okay, so he stops calling for a few days, but is not pulling back? What is he doing then? And if something is going on, like he is stressed or whatevs, would it not be up to HIM to *communicate* that to me? As opposed to me chasing him down (like his mother) asking him what's going on? How old is he 12? He can't communicate with me what's going on? No sorry I don't agree with you. If something else is going on other than he needs space, then he needs to communicate that to me, not expect me to go chasing him down.... That's for insecure teenagers not grown adults. Communication is a two-way street, not just something the woman is supposed to do when her man is too insecure to communicate with her about whatever he is feeling or whatever else is going on with him. I send one text, asking how he is doing, if he does not care to respond, fine, that is his prerogative. But I am not going to continue texting, calling, chasing him when he does not even have the courtesy or interest to respond to my first text. That's just stupid. We are adults here, adults communicate with each other when something is going on. And that goes for both men and women! Thankfully, I never dated any man who pulled that type of crap with me. I always dated strong, emotionally mature men who always communicated with me when they had an issue (and vice versa), not little boys who expected mommy to chase them down when they were being bad little boys...lol. And you called ME a game player? What a joke. Edited August 31, 2015 by katiegrl 2
joseb Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 If I am following this...Katie says to play games.....great advice. I'm sure Katie is probably very attractive so she really didn't have to worry because other guys would come chasing her. Not sure how you gleaned that from her post - she said nothing of the sort. 1
Zippy2000 Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 Katie is right. We are all adults and if someone doesn't reply to a simple question in a text. They're not worth the bother. I've only had one girl I ever dated who said she was busy with work. Although I believe her as she is a chef and does 48 hour weeks. No one else has pulled that crap on me. Your telling me no one has the time during the day like on your lunch at break, waiting at the train station, or get home in the evening to pick up that mobile and send a message? Absolute crap excuse . When someone decides to fade. Let them. You have to keep busy. Nothing is less attractive than seeing a man or woman become needy and insecure by chasing after someone. Another example of a girl I dated who came after me after I let go. I had one date with a girl and the date went well. She agreed to see me for a second. To cut a long story short. She flaked on the second bu told me I wasn't what she was looking for blah blah and she would like to stay friends! Heard that one before so let her be but she did surprise me and keep in touch. Fast forward 4 years and she had 3 boyfriends duringbthe time I stayed in touch. Her boyfriends either cheated or had mental health issues. Since I did my own thing. Kept busy and looked out and spoke to other girls. Do you know what? She came back to me and asked me out!!!!! Took 4 years and 4 relationships to find that one out. Im not saying wait for someone. This girl took 4 years. There was no game playing. You have to let them go. If you love someone. Let them go. If it was meant to be they'd come back. 1
Gaeta Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 Thankfully, I never dated any man who pulled that type of crap with me. I always dated strong, emotionally mature men who always communicated with me when they had an issue (and vice versa), not little boys who expected mommy to chase them down when they were being bad little boys...lol. . I believe you, I am sure you never dated a weak man but what we're referring here is not yet 'dating'. It's pre-dating. After seeing someone 2 times it's not dating (in my eyes anyway) and there is no way for us to know from the moment we made contact online to that 2nd meeting that we're dealing with a flake. Once we realize we are dealing with a flake it's in our best interest to dump him asap. I would call it a 'turn around' time. You have a gift to identify and eliminate them quickly, some of us have a longer 'turn around' time. 2
Jet8419 Posted August 31, 2015 Posted August 31, 2015 Since I did my own thing. Kept busy and looked out and spoke to other girls. Do you know what? She came back to me and asked me out!!!!! Took 4 years and 4 relationships to find that one out. Im not saying wait for someone. This girl took 4 years. There was no game playing. You have to let them go. If you love someone. Let them go. If it was meant to be they'd come back. Zippy, out of curiosity, in that 4 years, why did you keep in touch with her since you have decided to let her go? I'm also assuming you've let go of other girls you weren't quite interested in, so from a guy's perspective, would you make contact with these girls months or up to a year later? And why?
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