Sgt. Pepper Posted August 30, 2015 Posted August 30, 2015 For six months I dated this girl. We were very serious. I don't really know where to begin with it. We met on Okcupid and quickly began liking each other; when we first met she was in Boston, visiting her brother. And she began making me jealous talking about the hot guys there - just messing with my head to keep me interest I guess - and we ended up talking all night and whatnot and eventually we got together. It was semi-long distance, she lives on Long Island, I live in Brooklyn, so we only saw each other once a week (or twice if her family let me stay over). But the relationship was very intense emotionally and her family loved me and I fell in love with them. They even began inviting me to things it took her sister's husband YEARS to be invited too - private family things - they felt we were meant to be, and loved our relationship. I was invited to Church stuff (they were a religious family), private family things, Thanksgiving, Christmas etc.... She was this really special girl - very sweet, sensitive and talented - an aspiring novelist who had a wonderful mind and a snarky sense of humor and we had some of the best times ever together. We'd talk all day about everything and anything and never get bored; we'd do a lot of stuff together. She introduced me to things I've come to love and opened up a whole new world for me. Her friends loved me as well; some of them even remain friends with me and took "my side"....even long-time friends of hers. She was a very beautiful person inside and out. But there was a catch. The whole time, she was hung up on her ex. His name was Patrick. What happened was, they were friends for a long time and then they were together and he was a cutter and her family found out and basically broke them apart. She wasn't allowed to see him, wasn't allowed to talk to him so they resorted to meeting in secret and dating in secret. Her family also didn't like him because they felt he was highly manipulative and a sociopath and that she was "sickly obsessed" with him. In her view, she felt he was the first person in her life who really "saw" her - she has that middle-child syndrome where she never felt noticed by her family compared to her siblings. Then he moved to Florida and broke up with her because (his/her version) he couldn't bear to see her in pain anymore. But then he stopped being friends with her for the most part as well.... Every night she'd have panic attacks and make me promise I wasn't going to leave her like he did. She'd ask me to tell me her she was good enough, and she'd ask me if the reason he left was because she wasn't worth fighting for, if she wasn't good enough. She'd say all she wanted from him was closure, and the ability to be friends like they were before they were together - he kept her at arm's length at best. I'd hear about him almost every day; her novel she's writing is an allegory for their relationship. But she denied still being in love with him. All she wanted was closure, she claimed, and it was ripping her apart - and I saw that. I even helped her draft a letter explaining how much closure would mean to her. And eventually she came to peace with it and fully committed to me and it was pretty amazing. I'm very numb now so, I'm not really giving you all the full picture - but the highs were extremely high and lows were awfully low. I did all of her homework the whole time we were together - all of it. And some of her best friend's too, while doing my own. I got her on the Dean's List for the first time in her academic career, and my own grades didn't slip. She changed how I dressed - dictated, actually - she's a self-admitted control freak - how I wore my hair - how I ate my food - how I spoke. She'd mention all the time this guy Mike, who she'd also met on OkCupid and was gonna date before choosing me. "Mike said this", "Mike said that", "Mike told a funny joke". She made paintings for him and would bring him up quite a bit and it led to fights. She once admitted to sexually fantasizing about a threesome involving us and between Patrick and him, I felt insecure in the relationship. I knew I had a large part of her but I felt like I had to compete in my own relationship with a memory on one hand, and a rival on the other. She never cheated - that I know for certain. The highs kept me in the relationship, but the lows caused me to begin drinking enough to get a buzz before I'd see her. I'd never drank prior. But the highs were amazingly high. Hard to explain unless you were there. But she was the sweetest, cutest person, most loving and caring in the world when it was just us. Long story short...Patrick announced to her he was coming up for Christmas for a visit. Which shocked her. She hadn't seen him in the flesh for over a year and she asked me, if she were to meet with him, would I come, for emotional support? Sure I said. The meeting was set for Dec. 21st. My grandmother died of cancer on Dec. 18th - the first really close relative of mine to die - my grandma was the one person in my life who never judged me or made me feel low in any way; the only person to really ever love me unconditionally, who I could speak utterly freely and openly with. It felt like a big part of my life and heart died with her. That morning, Erica (the ex) expressed her condolences but then asked if her funeral arrangements would clash with our meeting with Patrick. "I don't know" I said, she had just died. "But if they do, you'll come with me, right?" "I don't know" she replied. And I said "what" and it led into a fight, which included me getting very savage with her and saying I feel like he means more than I do and he dumped you and I made her cry - I didn't mean to - and she was like "I didn't even know your grandmother" and I said "It's not about that, it's about that I need you" - just a horrific fight, traumatic on both sides. She began crying hysterically about how he might die on the way home; how she might never see him again.... The day came; no date conflict and I was polite to him. He's like Hannibal Lecter - he watches for any weakness and is very quiet and observes - very detached person; very much a sociopath. Someone who when you're around you feel their personal magnetism; Even I felt it. You could see why an emotionally vulnerable/damaged young girl would fall in love with him. I saw the subtle manipulativeness. It was like a conflict of intellects between he and I - a polite one, no fighting - but still. He and I are much alike, except where he is analytical, I'm emotional; where he is cold, I am warm. She'd always compared us and said we were much alike. Anyway, the next day, they went to a party alone of their old friends - she came home and wrote me saying she realized she was still in love with him; he told her he still loved her; and I could stay or go but either decision would break her heart, cause she was torn in two. I responded by saying I'll stay but listing how I felt - how I felt unseen myself and unheard. And she says "I feel like all this time, you haven't listened to me" and wanted space. This was Dec. 23rd; my grandma had just been buried 3 days prior and my mother was hospitalized with pneumonia that day. Note also, I had just completed her last school assignment on Dec. 17th. While she took her space, I began to drink steadily throughout the day, becoming drunk for the first time in my life. She wrote me saying "After thinking about it, We should just be friends" and I said "That's nice. You're breaking up with me on Christmas. Nice." "I'm not breaking up with you." "Uh, yeah, you are." "I'm not." "Erica, when a girlfriend and boyfriend become just friends, that's what breaking up is." She then called me and I forget how the call went except that I got viciously angry and told her "I know what's gonna happen now, you mother****er. You're gonna date that scumbag Mike. I'll crack his ****ing head open. You had to do this now, you mother****er? On ****ing Christmas?" And made her cry again. This time I was trying to make her cry. Not to be cruel, but because I was hurt and I wanted her to feel what she was making her me feel. Anyway, we decided to go ahead with our existing plans after things cooled - I was supposed to come over Christmas Day to her house, spend the night and then go to her family's annual Christmas party the next day. We told no one what was going on. I figured she was confused and maybe, being together physically, maybe it'd help her confusion. So, Christmas day arrives and we exchange gifts and she acts like nothing happened. She's kissing me, holding me, being sexual with me and everything like normal. Like nothing happened - She spends most of Christmas sleeping on my lap. But when I tell her later in the night, after we watch a very dark and emotional movie, how much important she is to me and how I think we can overcome this, she's incredibly distant. The next day, we go to her family's party. Around 9, she says she's taking me to the train to go home (earlier than usual) because she wants to get some writing done. I later find out that she wanted to go see Patrick before he left - that was the real reason. When we arrive at the train station, we get in another fight. I ask her, "Where are we now?" Because, I thought, with the kissing and sexual stuff, maybe her feelings had changed back to normal, "We're friends", "Friends don't kiss and whatnot" "My heart is torn in two...When we kissed it felt like I was kissing my best friend...My heart is in two but I love him more", just a final fight and then as the train came we kissed a long kiss. And the next day, I drunkenly got her name tattoed on me. Yup. And told her and she officially broke up with me - 12/27, which happened to be our exact 6th month anniversary. And the next few weeks, I admit, I became incredibly clingy. I just wanted to talk, be friends or at least make some sense of all that had just happened; I wasn't myself, either. I was grieving my grandmother, worried about my mother, and grieving the relationship all at once. And she said I changed from the man she loved but wouldn't accept my explanations and cut contact - blocked me on everything. Ever since, I can't love or trust anyone. I don't want to. I'm still stuck on her. She wants nothing to do with me. I even wrote her, asking her for some closure and she denied it. Her friends - even her longtime best friend - hate her now for what she did, and remain friends with me. Her family supported me all through this and hate Patrick just as much as they did before; Not only did he steal her from me, but he even disconnected her from her own family while they were first together. So here I am - numb and broken. 8 months later.
15Love Posted August 30, 2015 Posted August 30, 2015 Wow, you've been through a lot. Have you considered counseling?
Author Sgt. Pepper Posted August 30, 2015 Author Posted August 30, 2015 Wow, you've been through a lot. Have you considered counseling? Thought about it yeah, just don't have money right now. But yeah, she turned me into her - longing for closure, just as she was, making me shut others out and I'm totally numb both romantically and in general and I can't trust or love anyone at all; feel very emotionally violated and yet I still love her. It's odd to say but I can't trust anyone but her. And I think about her everyday and I've tried reaching out but she wants no part of me. Even her friends noticed how I've changed; I met up with them in July and they said "When you were with her, you were happy, funny, now you seem nervous, shy, quiet and solemn. Not the guy we remember." Her friends resent her for it. And she's apparently doing the same thing with other guys. She's dating some new guy but comparing him to Patrick. According to her friend, every guy since me, she's never talked about the merits of that guy himself but how he's like Patrick. And she (Erica) is still pissed at me - her own words. I wrote her saying, "Can we talk?" "Not unless you want me to stay forever pissed at you" and I tried apologizing and asking for closure and offering to just be friends (was a genuine offer), she said "I've decided I like a choice in things these days and I don't want you in my life", and I said, "Well, how can I least make it so you're not mad at me anymore?" "Go away until I'm 30" and I wrote back saying usually when a person's still angry it means they still care, and she didn't reply to that. That was about a week ago.
15Love Posted August 30, 2015 Posted August 30, 2015 Ohhhh, well that's what it is. You said 8 months...but you have about a week under your belt not talking to her, is that right? It's not surprising you feel this way. Try going nc for awhile, including her friends. Post here often and see if things brighten for you!
dyna85 Posted August 30, 2015 Posted August 30, 2015 It sounds like a very unhealthy relationship dynamic, for one, given that she was so completely stuck on her ex throughout the entire thing and you were well aware of this fact yet allowed her to play you as second fiddle. You willingly allowed yourself to serve as a back burner option, which is now something you know to never do again. If someone is that hung up on their ex that they keep reminding you of this fact and that person is at the forefront of their mind to such an extent that they're still planning meetups with the person, that is not good. Also, you way over compensated by doing all of her homework and basically serving as a crutch for her to cope with her intense emotions regarding her ex. Forget about the good times and focus on how she treated you and how you played the part in sacrificing your needs to try to make something work that was completely unstable. The balance was way off and that's why it fell apart. Think of the game jenga... every piece has to be balanced for it to have a strong foundation and to prevent collapse, as it keeps building. This started off on way shaky ground as she was still a complete wreck over her ex. You, in turn, tried to make things better for her, when that is something she needs to do for herself. Having to baby someone is not a good sign. Relationships are about two strong parts coming together. You can't coddle your significant other. You can comfort them, but doing all of their 'homework' figuratively and literally will not work. I think you need to truly reflect on why you would want someone who is so hung up on someone else... do you not recognize that you deserve someone who is invested in you only? She's apathetic and nonchalant because she didn't have much to lose here and had everything to gain, by using you as an emotional band-aid. You're pissed off because you sacrificed your own needs to tend to her during the relationship. The fact too that she's using one person after another (if she does in fact go onto the next dude, Mike, or whoever) speaks of her emotional immaturity. You don't do that to people. It's not right. However, it takes two to tango and you were a willing participant. Assess that and ensure you don't let yourself be used again. You deserve better.
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