Realization hits me

[QueenDeath]

Remembering what my ex told me when he dumped me, he said that I am controlling, impulsive, manipulative and angry and I think I finally know why he said that.

 

Let's start off by saying that I am not a secure girl. I have this love and hate relationship with myself. Whenever he would hang out with a friend, I would get upset. Not because he's hanging out with the friend per se, but mainly because I'm scared, worried, anxious, nervous that he's going to do something that's going to hurt me. So in way I started to build these walls of protection, I would start getting angry, start questioning him on everything if he wants to be with me or this girl that he's hanging out and start saying things like go be with her and such.

 

Does what I say make sense? o.o I hope it does, omg!!

 

I didn't trust him enough like I thought I did. I shouldn't be worried about trusting his friend, I should have been worried about trust him instead. Also, a part of me didn't want to be with him because the relationship caused me so much stress and anxiety. No, I didn't string him along because I knew I had feelings for him, in love with him and all, but I really wasn't happy because of all the stress of not trusting him and being full of fear and worry.

It was a long distance relationship, it's hard for me to trust someone over text when I can't see their face to look at them and see if they are being honest or not. Also, I realized when my emotions get crazy, they lead me, I have zero control over them. It's fine to be overly emotional but it isn't fine to have them lead me, control me and have me react in negative ways.

 

So there's that, also, sometimes text can be misunderstood. I know what I'm saying but my ex could have taken it a completely different way. ( I really hope what I am saying makes sense )

 

I knew what was going was bad, but I didn't know it was bad enough because he never really told me during those arguments that "Hey, love....that's controlling, you need to stop." I never say it that way until I started to keep looking back on the relationship. So I wished he had told me that because my intentions is to not come off controlling as if I don't want him to hangout with his friends, I do want him to do his own thing and hang out with his friends, I just didn't trust him.

 

Another thing is that, I realized that he wasn't patient with me, why? Because he told me when he ended things with me that it took me weeks, weeks, and weeks to trust him hanging out with his guy friend. It's not the male friend I was worried about, it was just not knowing what was going when they were hanging out, I was worried about not knowing if there's going to be girls around or not and stuff like that. Basically worried about him cheating on me and not telling me.

 

So I hope what I said make sense. This is pretty much the reason why I decided to stay single and date casually. I didn't have time to heal since every year since high school, I'm dating someone seriously. So I would be carrying all this baggage into my next relationship. I would like to spend some years single and just focus on myself and doing me.

 

I wished I could tell him this, but I feel bad and feel as if it might make things worst. I did not want to be with him, I wasn't happy at all in that relationship, I was under so much stress it wasn't funny, when I realized that the stress, anxiety, nervousness and all went away after the breakup, I knew I had some thinking and looking back to do.

[StalwartMind]

What you write does make sense, there are many aspects to having a relationship that is good for you. Placing trust in another human requires courage, especially because we have no guarantee how our trust will be handled. The important part is you realized your own behavior, and not to defend you, but when you are in a relationship and don't have the greatest confidence, then it's easy to be carried away by thoughts of negative nature.

 

It's unfortunate that any human even get to experience this, it is also tragic that many people do things that can make such become even worse. As such any human interaction can potentially be a fragile affair to deal with. Patience certainly is a great trait, especially when you deal with people who do not have the strongest mind. Ideally, having had someone who perhaps didn't have any friends would of been more beneficial for your situation, but yes such is a rather unusual request or even something to imagine.

 

None of us should have to deal with stress, but so many things can cause it, that even the strongest individuals break down to it. It's probably a great idea you stay single for awhile, so you can better gather your thoughts. Even if you should still find yourself struggling with some idea when you enter a new one, it's important you do enter a relationship with someone who does have some strong qualities and can even help/support you if needed.

 

With all that said, on some level you do have to let go of possible worries of what your partner may or may not do. In the end, none of us can "control" others and their actions, so in a sense it's futile to spend much energy on it in the first place. Honesty can be hard to come by, and while no one likes to share their own weaknesses fast, it may not always be a bad idea to do so, instead of having someone find out at a later point, and they realize they can't handle it. There is a fine balance between sharing things, it can be a delicate matter, but anyone worth keeping will be understanding.

[thejabberwocky]

It sounds like you're the problem. Do not contact him, it will make things worse. You clearly have a lot of insecurities and these will keep coming up if you don't do something about them. Look into therapy. It sounds scary, but anyone could use it. If you deal with your issues, your next relationship will be so much happier! Maybe your ex will even miss you and you guys can work it out!