Feeling very very ashamed

[parishes]

Long story short, me (21F) and my ex (21F) have been dating for 10 months (6 months in person and 4 months long distance with her being in the arm). We are each others first true love and it's a same sex relationship (girls). Before she left, she gave me all of her log in info to pay bills and I broke her trust by deleting a fb album containing pictures of her ex and sentimental high school pictures. She tried to work around the doubts for 2 months but couldn't and just broke up with me out of the blue. She was gone for only 5 months for the army. I was so emotionally unstable by spouting crazy theories and etc, that I had to shut down and couldn't talk to her at all. I did NOT hook up or did anything with anyone else from the time we broke up and still now.

 

Fast forward to last week, she came home but I've been doing NC to heal and I thought I was fine but she kept contacting me. I deleted her off of all social media. On monday, she kept calling me and contacting me to pick up the phone and text her back but I kept telling her over and over to give me space and I couldn't be friends with her right away, so she should stop contacting me for the time being. I had my friends get my stuff for me because I couldn't see her. But then I still kept going crazy and it was obvious that it was bothering me so my friends set me up to meet her and have her answer all of my questions. We met yesterday at a restaurant, and they wanted to drink so we drank. She answered all of my questions with honesty and she genuinely wanted to be my friend and thought that once we kept hanging out, I can shut out my feelings for her. I wanted to be friends with her because she was the only person who understood me. So with her answering all of the questions, she told me about this one girl in particular that they met a week before the breakup, she started having feelings or stuff but didn't act on them or pushed them to the back of her mind because we were still in a relationship and it was disrespectful to do that. She said nothing happened until 2 weeks after the break up that she started developing feelings for this girl and the girl had a LDR Bf. Reason being for developing feelings was that the girl was there for her and really listened to her problems - which she said what was like for our relationship in the beginning. After she left the army and came home, it was then that the girl admitted having feelings for my ex, and they wanted to try things but had to get the "ok" with the boyfriend having an open relationship. After we left the restaurant, we went to the car and talked out all of our problems. She said she will be brutally honest with all of my questions, and answered them all. I told her that I still want her in my life as a friend in the future because she is special to me and she knew me better than anyone else. She also said she was broken, and incapable of happiness because too much **** has happened to her in her life. So I got all the answers that I needed, it was then that she started touching me and kept saying "I know you want it too", "wanna get a hotel room", and "why can't I get what I want for once in my ****ty life". Her background is her family lost their home, going through financial trouble, people kept stepping all over her (losing her trust), and etc. I thought about for the longest 10 minutes for the pro and con of doing it, and the con outweigh the pro. I felt very very guilty but did it anyway because all I wanted was for her to be happy for once in her life. I knew we weren't going to get back together, and that she had to deal with her own trust issues first. I already sobered up and she was still drunk, and knew that throughout the entire time we were intimate, that it felt wrong. I have stopped several times but she kept saying "we don't have to do this if you don't want to" and I felt so guilty if I didn't do it.

 

Today happened, I texted her twice that I still have questions and we needed to talk about what happened, and she replied with if my plans falls through, I'l l let you know. The more I kept thinking about it, I was not ok with it. I was not ok with being friends this soon, I thought i would be but not when she started developing feelings for another girl 2 weeks after the break up. She kept telling me that she had no bad intention and didn't want to hurt me but told me about their situation anyway. That when you meet someone unexpectedly, you just know that you will fall in love with them (that's what she said about us, and she said about this girl - both situation, she said it after 2 weeks of just knowing us). I called her around 3pm, telling her that we need to talk and did NOT sound ok on the phone, she knew that. She said she had plans tonight and was going to get wasted but told me that she will keep me updated if plans falls through for us to meet up. On the phone, she genuinely sounded like she cared and wanted to be there for me but idk. Its been 3 hours and I just felt so ashamed about what happened last night and it CANNOT happened tonight. After the sex last night, I'm questioning if anything she said was real even though she said she was being genuinely honest. she said she will always care for me, and that she will always be there for me no matter what because I was one of her true love in her life.

 

I feel so traumatized and should've never had sex with her. I knew it wasn't going to end well, and I just hated myself that I consented to it. I feel like everything is my fault, that she's ignoring me. It just made me feel like it's my fault for deleting the fb album, but yet, she said its her fault too that the trust issues was a very big deal to her. She just wants to meet someone who is honest/trustworthy with her because everyone she meets, has broke her trust at one point or wasn't honest. I told her it's inevitable that someone will break your trust once in your life, you can't just put them to the back of your head, flip that switch of having feelings to off which she said she can do. No one is perfect. It also made me feel guilty if I wasn't her friend because her last ex, she said left her in the dark when he promised he would be friends with her after the break up. He couldn't because his gf is controlling. I was afraid that I was going to become like her ex because I didn't want to, i genuinely wanted to be there for her.

 

I just don't KNOW WHAT TO FEEL OR WHAT TO DO. I just feel so freaked out, lost all my dignitiy, and hate myself for the mistakes that i've made. I thought I was going to be ok with it but not. All that hard work of NC that I did came loose, and I just feel so ****ed up in the head. I want to be there for her to help her with her problem, but I know the only person who can bring her out of this is herself, but she doesn't want to.

Edited August 29, 2015 by parishes

[casey.lives]

it's over man. it's over. you don't need to babysit people. we grow up. loss is part of life, like death. move on.