Do I become the chaser or not?

[katiegrl]

I definitely prefer being pursued.

 

Gaeta, knowing you as I do .....I do not think you will feel good if you are the pursuer.

 

You will end up feeling undesired... and meh.

 

I agree with angel, he is lukewarm at best.

 

He figures if you pursue him, he'll go, what the hell, he doesn't have anything else going on at the moment.

 

But you better believe if he were wowed by you at the brunch, he would not have put the ball in your court... no way. No matter how "intimidated" he was.

 

I think you know that too......

[kilgore]

Women who pursue are great

[Versacehottie]

Yeah I would say you should check your own feelings of what you find important in a guy. I would guess pursuer of you and when pushed that's what you said. Make sure you don't jump too far down the road about what qualities he possesses or that you really really want a relationship. It causes you to ignore things that would not make a good match for you. If you like to be pursued and this Guy can't do it, he's not the one. Plus he wasn't too shy to ask for the first date so that theory doesn't hold much water. Take it step by step and don't rush it anyway. And if you want to be the chasee rather than the chaser don't initiate 80% of the texts. I think it's best to let the guy set the pace at the beginning because it allows you to see their intentions and/or downfalls etc. Like if he was this passive would you really like a guy like that???

Plus to text as much between 1st date and nothing else to call it 80% sounds like you are already taking a gf role when you are not one yet. Between first date and no other contact regarding a date and it's been a week, what really is there to talk about? It reads desperate. You have to let people earn their way into your life and priorities, shy or insecure or whatever. But he asked you for 1st date so he's not that shy. Sounds a little lazy wrapped up in a beta package.

[Popsicle]

Some people are just low energy and passive. This is unlikely to change. He may be a very nice guy but if you want more energy, he's probably not the one for you.

[kilgore]

Not sure the guy did anything to earn insulting language, did he?

 

Why does that matter? He is not here

[Versacehottie]

Just in case he's interested but he's passive. If I stop initiating he won't suddenly grow balls right?

 

Well that's the problem with you initiating 80% of it. You might never find out. If you stop and he's not that invested (which he prob isn't due to time thus far), he either going to be confused bc something is off with your normal pattern toward him. He may step it up and start contacting but who knows.

 

He had the balls to ask you out the first time. The rest: shy, insecure, intimated on and on are just excuses and conjecture. It's not that complicated. If he wants to ask you out, he will.

[kilgore]

Well that's the problem with you initiating 80% of it. You might never find out. If you stop and he's not that invested (which he prob isn't due to time thus far), he either going to be confused bc something is off with your normal pattern toward him. He may step it up and start contacting but who knows.

 

He had the balls to ask you out the first time. The rest: shy, insecure, intimated on and on are just excuses and conjecture. It's not that complicated. If he wants to ask you out, he will.

 

Probably he has balls; they just need to descend

[carhill]

Rereading the initial post, the man asked the OP to brunch. After an apparently enjoyable brunch, he suggested she let him know if she wanted to go to brunch or dinner in the future. She let him know, apparently in person at the time of the inquiry, that she would like that.

 

Hmm....

 

Thinking like a guy, my meter is leaning towards him dating someone else. To me, the flow is off. He made the first move, then checked with her after giving a compliment; she showed interest and he went apparently neutral. That sounds, to me, like a guy who has another plate spinning somewhere.

 

I recall, a couple decades ago when I was dating three or four women at the same time, I was a lot more circumspect about nailing one down for a date when faced with the opportunity, whereas when only dating one at a time, I was far more likely to take interest like that shown and run with it, meaning set up another date right on the spot, in this case it would have been for dinner on the weekend.

 

If another invitation comes, seemingly out of nowhere, that would be my play on things. Still, I'm getting the indication that interaction styles may not be matching up, perhaps though a secondary issue to the lack of consistency. Interesting puzzle anyway. Hope it works out!

[Empyrea]

Ya but, how do I know he's worth it, we had one brunch.

 

This is why you should ask him out for a second date. I thought he was super clear - if you are interested in seeing him again, you let him know. You did not succeed in passing the ball back to his court. Saying right then and there "you would like that" is basically saying "we should do this again sometime" - it means nothing. You need to follow up with an actual invite.

 

A lot of men in the dating world are probably really tired of doing all the work and only getting lukewarm responses or being faded out. If you think he might be worth it, ask him out and then in the future you can express that you prefer if the guy initiates.

[Siquijor]

From a male's perspective.

 

 

Firstly, a first date in the morning to me seems somewhat strange but hey that's just my opinion.

 

 

Secondly the way you dressed OP, again in my opinion, was a little odd for having brunch over. Personally, I wouldn't have been put off by it as you had made an effort (plus I do like high heels ), although I can't speak for other men.

 

 

Lastly, nowadays I tend to put the ball in a woman's court and have the philosophy of no effort, no point.

 

 

Put it this way, if I was this guy and you texted me after the initial date, that would be good enough for me.

 

 

I think that's what you should do but most importantly only do it the once and if nothing positive arises forget him and move on.

[BluEyeL]

I also think that his interest is lukewarm at best and he may date other women and keeps you on the back burner. I suggest you just stop contacting him. If he is at all interested, he will contact you. Men who are interested are not going to let you go. If he does, clearly he is not into dating you seriously. Some men like attention, just like women and like you texting them and them responding but never want to really date and go into a relationship. Or not with you. Who cares what their deal is?

 

You couldn't be more clear. Like another poster above said, I dated men who were super shy and intimidated and still asked me out again. My current boyfriend admitted that he was "scared to death" when we first met. That didn't stop him from asking me out again and again.

 

I also dated someone like this guy. Same as yours, he told me to ask him when I want to meet. First time he said that, at the end of the first date, I told him that I prefer that the man initiates. He did email me when he got home and asked me for a second date. But then he reiterated that I should ask HIM on dates. I tried. For three months. It never went anywhere. He was always wishy washy and sometimes he'd reject my dates in a pretty curt way. No "I'm sorry, what about x time?" More like "I can't". Complete waste of time. Nobody made me feel worse than this guy. He also never wanted to do anything Fridays or Saturdays. Always Sundays, under different excuses. Most likely dating someone else too.

 

I vote to let him go. Men know what to do when they want to date a woman. Men who are interested ask you out. Period.

[katiegrl]

I just read Gaeta's first post again, and I think what many of you are missing is that when he asked if she wanted to have brunch again, to let him know .... she DID let him know!

 

Right then and there, she responded, "yes I would like that."

 

That's letting him know! There is nothing ambiguous about that ....it's saying YES, I would like to have brunch with you again.

 

She has also initiated 80% of their texts since then! Hell, IMO, she is coming off as too available!

 

So why some of you are suggesting, in addition to all that, she now ask him out, is beyond me.

 

And to the last poster who wrote he tends to put the ball back in the woman's court as he figures "no effort, no point." Well, what about your effort? How much effort are you making?

 

This guy is doing jack shyt. He asked her out for their first meet/date, big friggin whoop.

 

Since then, he tells her to let him know if she wants to get together again .....to which she IMMEDIATELY replied that she did!

 

To which he has essentially ignored, since there is no second date forthcoming.

 

Then there is the matter of initiating texts. Gaeta had initiated 80% of them!

 

Still no second date forthcoming.

 

Lest you have forgotten, she has ALREADY let him know that, yes, she is interested in having brunch with him again.

 

This man is not shy, he is not *intimidated* ....he is not interested! Period.

 

Gaeta, IMO you would be very foolish to pursue this further.

 

To reiterate what angel.eyes said, focus on guys who are genuinely interested and enthusiastic. Ignore guys who are ambivalent. Once you cut the cord quickly (once you realize a man isn't interested), dating becomes fun and enjoyable!

 

Throw this one back....he is lukewarm (at best), and lazy. Which in my world = just not that interested.

 

Don't settle at this point, you deserve better....

Edited August 29, 2015 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

I slept over it and decided to not become the pursuer. I think I have shown my interest plenty and if he had a strong interest enough he would be talking about doing something together. He's a 48 yo man, not a boy. He also has a job with a lot of responsibilities with 65 people to supervise, you don't get to that type of job if you're passive.

 

Thanks for your input. It did help to sort it out.

[fitnessfan365]

Now me personally, I'd use common sense and take it at face value.

 

I mean why else would a woman send a text after a date stressing she had a good time unless she wanted to see me again? But, some guys need to be hit over the head w-directness. So just to be safe, always have this be your go-to text - "I had so much fun! Looking forward to our next date. "

[elaine567]

My feeling is that dating is a bit like giving birth, as long as things are progressing and there are no danger signs, then there is usually no problem, let nature take its course.

 

Here, there is no progress, it stalled the minute he left the second date hanging.

Him:Let me know if you want to do this again?

Gaeta: Yes, I want to do this again...

 

Then instead of progress...

Him: I'm free next Wednesday.

Gaeta: Good for me. 11am?

Him: Its a date.

 

Nothing really happens whatsoever.

 

Him: Good morning, sorry didn't get back to you yesterday, have a nice day.

AND Gaeta filling in the gaps 80% of the time.

 

If Gaeta was being evasive, then I may understand his reticence, but Gaeta is pulling out all the stops, short of dragging him into a date, and he isn't doing anything.

[Jejangles]

I vote to let him go. Men know what to do when they want to date a woman. Men who are interested ask you out. Period.

 

Yes, 100% this. I do think it's fair if a woman is really interested to make interest known through something like "I had a great time, looking forward to getting together again soon." But in my experience men, whether they are bold, shy, awkward whatever, don't need that much if they're interested. If they asked you out once they can do it again. If they don't, they're at best vaguely interested. And I have not had good experiences dating vaguely interested guys!

[Gaeta]

In retrospect.

 

I was the very first woman he met from online. These men rarely stick with the first woman they meet. I did not know though I was his first meet he told me over brunch. He had been single for 2 years (15 year relationship) so I felt he was safe to bet on.

 

So many things to watch for it's a full time job.

[Versacehottie]

This is why you should ask him out for a second date. I thought he was super clear - if you are interested in seeing him again, you let him know. You did not succeed in passing the ball back to his court. Saying right then and there "you would like that" is basically saying "we should do this again sometime" - it means nothing. You need to follow up with an actual invite.

 

A lot of men in the dating world are probably really tired of doing all the work and only getting lukewarm responses or being faded out. If you think he might be worth it, ask him out and then in the future you can express that you prefer if the guy initiates.

 

I don't agree. You know he's worth it if he is willing to show you he WOULD be by pursuing you, showing you examples that he would treat you well, be willing to put in at least a minimal effort of following through on an offer he laid out on the table. You showed enough interest to let him know you would be. You are not trying to solve global dating problems here (wah-guys are tired!! there are 15 threads on here in probably first two pages of shy guys who are not tired and have no problem pursuing girls who are giving them MIXED signals). You are only trying to solve your problem. Chasing after him will only show him you are desperate to have a bf no matter how little effort he puts in. His nonaction IS a message of his worthiness to a lady that cares about herself and is not desperate.

 

Don't get caught up in semantics of what an interested response from you was. It feels like there 100 answers are being solicited here so you can get the stamp of approval into giving him the benefit of the doubt and doing the work yourself. It will have the same result that is your pattern, I'm afraid. You are jumping to the end to "determine his worthiness" as if you as desperate to be with anyone. His worthiness is only in how he treats you. And you should be undecided until you have seen compelling action. What is the rush? If you don't see it, you have the answer.

[Versacehottie]

That's why I am posting about this. I feel I need to do something after a week of polite text and no Invite in sight. I pursue or I drop.

 

I do meet men that are big pursuer and we have 2-3-4 dates in short times and it always fades. That's why I am open to men with other approach.

 

But I'm going to be 100% honest. No matter the approach or your internal rules that you lose interest in 2-4 dates if it is not escalating, you have a tendency to come off as very desperate and all in. That's the constant here not the two types of different approaches from guys. The constant here is your desperation. Sorry:love: I really want to see you have a good outcome finally and you keep doing the virtually the same thing each time. I know you don't think you are, but you are.

 

I know it is hard when you've been on so many dates. But you will have to take the good side of this. You must be very attractive. Good! You get in the door fairly easily because so many guys express initial interest. Don't feel like a failure and keep pushing harder. Change what you are doing. It seems to fall apart early on nearly always. Over-availability and desperation are themes I've seen running through all your threads. You even made a tongue-in-cheek joke about it the other day, I think on some else's thread (something about you'd take a guy if he had teeth). While I appreciate the self-deprecation and ability to not take yourself so seriously that you can't make a joke at your own expense, there was the theme again. Good though you are witty and playful and a strong woman it seems like. So you have qualities people would be interested in too. I'm sure it's your approach. Just take it date by date, moment by moment, only evaluate what they are offering, no more. You are lucky and smart enough to be open to multi-dating so if that takes the edge of desperation off like it should, keep doing it. You should have no expectations on yourself other than you will employ your standards.

[Gaeta]

But I'm going to be 100% honest. No matter the approach or your internal rules that you lose interest in 2-4 dates if it is not escalating, you have a tendency to come off as very desperate and all in. That's the constant here not the two types of different approaches from guys. The constant here is your desperation. Sorry:love: I really want to see you have a good outcome finally and you keep doing the virtually the same thing each time. I know you don't think you are, but you are.

 

I know it is hard when you've been on so many dates. But you will have to take the good side of this. You must be very attractive. Good! You get in the door fairly easily because so many guys express initial interest. Don't feel like a failure and keep pushing harder. Change what you are doing. It seems to fall apart early on nearly always. Over-availability and desperation are themes I've seen running through all your threads. You even made a tongue-in-cheek joke about it the other day, I think on some else's thread (something about you'd take a guy if he had teeth). While I appreciate the self-deprecation and ability to not take yourself so seriously that you can't make a joke at your own expense, there was the theme again. Good though you are witty and playful and a strong woman it seems like. So you have qualities people would be interested in too. I'm sure it's your approach. Just take it date by date, moment by moment, only evaluate what they are offering, no more. You are lucky and smart enough to be open to multi-dating so if that takes the edge of desperation off like it should, keep doing it. You should have no expectations on yourself other than you will employ your standards.

 

I take no offense. This is valuable advice and you are right I play the perfect game for first 2-3 dates then after the 3rd date I expect him acting like we're in a relationship. I'm aware of that now.

[DiimpleDoll]

Nobody should be the chaser, it should be 50/50 always. Being the initiator is one thing, but chasing is different. A MAN should lead in the beginning. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but being a gentlemen will never be old school in my book.

[Versacehottie]

In retrospect.

 

I was the very first woman he met from online. These men rarely stick with the first woman they meet. I did not know though I was his first meet he told me over brunch. He had been single for 2 years (15 year relationship) so I felt he was safe to bet on.

 

So many things to watch for it's a full time job.

 

Actually, that's part of what you do. Don't take so much into consideration of where he is relationship-wise in his life. Put the focus in your head on yourself. What do you want? What do you find acceptable? If you start getting into his head about he's shy, I'm dressed too well for him, he's out of a LTR, it will be too much to think about and you make excuses for the guy and your behavior is overly flexible because you are constantly doubting yourself and weighing a 100 factors. It's more simple than you are making it. Like blueeye said her guy was shy but found the courage. When they are asking you out and following through, they are interested. Your guy was possibly too shy to ask you for a 2nd date but did on the first and manages 65 people. See how you can make yourself crazy. Watch the actions. You can't get into their mind. just have your own standards and see if they live up.

 

Such as, here is the one you really need to think about: what do you want to when/if he gets around to asking you out? I think he will. How does that make you feel? Did he leave it too long for you? How are you going to deal with your texting this week vs last week?

[Versacehottie]

I take no offense. This is valuable advice and you are right I play the perfect game for first 2-3 dates then after the 3rd date I expect him acting like we're in a relationship. I'm aware of that now.

 

Well thank you for saying it's valuable advice. In all honesty though, I don't that's exactly what I meant. I meant you are attractive and have no problem getting dates, you have good qualities and are just as valuable as those who do have bf's. Your good qualities will have a great match for you. It's not a game those things are who you are.

 

What I think you got wrong from what I said is that I don't think you "play it perfectly". From the first date (maybe even in contact before). I think it becomes obvious how badly you want a relationship and that's what you need to work on and that's how you approach your interactions with these guys. Not concealing the fact (although that will help until you can really do it). I think you need to work on developing standards for yourself on treatment and avoid jumping full on into it. Let things develop. Only in the moment. Don't overinvest in the idea of a relationship. Be cautious about who you are handing your time over to. Let them make more effort and don't get hysterical or dramatic. I really do want to see things go better for you. I can see some guy being totally in love with you.

[elaine567]

It's more simple than you are making it. Like blueeye said her guy was shy but found the courage. When they are asking you out and following through, they are interested. Your guy was possibly too shy to ask you for a 2nd date but did on the first and manages 65 people. See how you can make yourself crazy. Watch the actions. You can't get into their mind. just have your own standards and see if they live up.

 

 

This was posted by

anduina - re guys and dating.

#1

If a guy really is smart, why would it be so difficult to figure dating and people out? Dating is quite logical.

 

• Boy spots attractive girl.
  
• Talks to attractive girl and asks her out.
  
• Girl says no. Abort.
  
• Girl says yes, firm up date.
  
• Girl won't firm up date. Abort.
  
• Girl firms up date. Continue.
  
• A day before date, contact.
  
• Girl doesn't return text. Abort.
  
• Girl returns text. Continue.
  
• Girl doesn't show up for date. Abort.
  
• Girl shows up. Continue.
  

I think if Gaeta made up her own similar logical version as it applies to her own dating, then it may save a lot of angst, second guessing and excuses being made up for guys who are really not worth the bother.

 

It is very easy to write a story in our heads re the person we think we have in front of us, but cool, clear logic like this " Your guy was possibly too shy to ask you for a 2nd date, but did on the first, and manages 65 people." can blow all those stories, we make up, out of the water.

[Amelie1980]

Can it be any clearer that I WANT to see him again

 

Yes.

 

I think your text was vague. I would have said I enjoyed myself and I would like to see him again too.