blurredvibes Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 Hi everyone! A little background info here: My boyfriend & I have been together for over a year, we have a wonderful relationship. We do not live together, nor have we ever, I'm a full time student and he's employed as a manager at a cafe. Lately I've been feeling like he doesn't manage his time well enough so that we have time to spend together. Let me clarify, he works 7pm-1am every night, he has no days off and he usually sleeps until the late hours of the afternoon. Up until a while ago I went to visit him at his job every other night, I'd just hang around there even though he had very little time to pay attention to me as he was well, doing his job. So, one day I got frustrated because me visiting him counts as time spent together when it's really not, we can't have a proper conversation, or kiss, or hug, so I stopped going to visit him on his work hours. But now, we barely see each other! After work he regularly meets with his friends and they stay up late playing video games, or meeting up for a football match, so all the time we get is basically the 2 hour space between when he gets up and when he has to go to work. How do I resolve this because complaining is obviously not working?!
OMC Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 How would you like it to be? 1- You 2 get together after he gets off? 2- He gets up and you spend time together before he goes to work?
Author blurredvibes Posted August 28, 2015 Author Posted August 28, 2015 How would you like it to be? 1- You 2 get together after he gets off? 2- He gets up and you spend time together before he goes to work? He gets up earlier, cuts some time off from his buddies and actually has time to spend together with me.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 He gets up earlier, cuts some time off from his buddies and actually has time to spend together with me. Have you suggested this to him?
madjac74 Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 Do you have class everyday? Why couldnt you spend time with him after work on the weekends? I doubt he spends every night with his buddies unless they live with him
Author blurredvibes Posted August 28, 2015 Author Posted August 28, 2015 Have you suggested this to him? Yes. It literally works for like 5 minutes and then he's back to doing what he's used to. He will only get up earlier and make time to see me after it's been 4-5 days of minimal contact.
Author blurredvibes Posted August 28, 2015 Author Posted August 28, 2015 Do you have class everyday? Why couldnt you spend time with him after work on the weekends? I doubt he spends every night with his buddies unless they live with him He works until 1 am, he lives with his family and I live with mine, so clubs are the only option and that's not exactly a place to talk or spend time together. He meets up with his friends 4 nights a week minimum they basically hang out every night.
smackie9 Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 Why would you date someone that has a schedule that isn't compatible to your own? You can't get pissed at him, this is how his schedule is. He isn't going to change for you so you need to change BFs. I used to work at a club and didn't get off work until 2:30 am. I was wide awake and ready to go out not go to bed so I can totally relate. 1
Author blurredvibes Posted August 28, 2015 Author Posted August 28, 2015 Why would you date someone that has a schedule that isn't compatible to your own? You can't get pissed at him, this is how his schedule is. He isn't going to change for you so you need to change BFs. I used to work at a club and didn't get off work until 2:30 am. I was wide awake and ready to go out not go to bed so I can totally relate. I'm sorry but this is absolute BS. I've been with him long enough to have gone through multiple schedule changes and we have always adapted. I don't get what's wrong with some people on here, you point out one issue and it's apparently drop that and go to the next person ASAP? Smh.
smackie9 Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 Basically the writing is on the wall......you are not by any means a priority to him. He is just dating you, not committed to you. 3
smackie9 Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 I'm sorry but this is absolute BS. I've been with him long enough to have gone through multiple schedule changes and we have always adapted. I don't get what's wrong with some people on here, you point out one issue and it's apparently drop that and go to the next person ASAP? Smh. Obviously he isn't into adapting anymore, if he only last 5 mins, and he's slides back into being with his friends.....does that not tell you something?? 3
Redhead14 Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 Hi everyone! A little background info here: My boyfriend & I have been together for over a year, we have a wonderful relationship. We do not live together, nor have we ever, I'm a full time student and he's employed as a manager at a cafe. Lately I've been feeling like he doesn't manage his time well enough so that we have time to spend together. Let me clarify, he works 7pm-1am every night, he has no days off and he usually sleeps until the late hours of the afternoon. Up until a while ago I went to visit him at his job every other night, I'd just hang around there even though he had very little time to pay attention to me as he was well, doing his job. So, one day I got frustrated because me visiting him counts as time spent together when it's really not, we can't have a proper conversation, or kiss, or hug, so I stopped going to visit him on his work hours. But now, we barely see each other! After work he regularly meets with his friends and they stay up late playing video games, or meeting up for a football match, so all the time we get is basically the 2 hour space between when he gets up and when he has to go to work. How do I resolve this because complaining is obviously not working?! If a man is not at least balancing his personal time and spending time with you, you are not a priority to him. The only thing you can do is state what your needs are and then observe whether he makes an effort to accommodate them. You give him some time, a month maybe, and if he doesn't make the effort, you leave him. You are only boyfriend and girlfriend. This is the time for evaluating whether or not he would be a good partner for the future. If you were engaged and this just started happening, I might approach it differently.
Author blurredvibes Posted August 28, 2015 Author Posted August 28, 2015 Basically the writing is on the wall......you are not by any means a priority to him. He is just dating you, not committed to you. You are obviously very experienced in long term relationships.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 Unfortunately, he's not making time for you because he doesn't prioritize you. If you've talked to him and nothing has changed, there's not a lot else you can do. We can't suggest much beyond what you've already done, because ultimately it comes down to him feeling like he wants to see you. He either wants to make time for you or he doesn't. Have you talked to him about whether he still feels you're on the same page with you, as far as the future of the relationship goes? 2
smackie9 Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 You are obviously very experienced in long term relationships. Absolutely I am. I'm 51 years old. Also been married for over 25 years. 1
madjac74 Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 I'm sorry but this is absolute BS. I've been with him long enough to have gone through multiple schedule changes and we have always adapted. So why are you on here then if you guys always adapt? 4
katiegrl Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 How do I resolve this because complaining is obviously not working?! You break up with him. Clearly he prefers his buddies over you...so not sure why you're sticking around. I wouldn't... 2
katiegrl Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 I'm sorry but this is absolute BS. I've been with him long enough to have gone through multiple schedule changes and we have always adapted. I don't get what's wrong with some people on here, you point out one issue and it's apparently drop that and go to the next person ASAP? Smh. There is absolutely NO need to get so defensive and accuse us "some people" of being wrong and full of BS. YOU started the thread asking for our opinions, and as objective observers of the situation (as opposed to you who are emotionally involved), we are in a better position to see the situation more clearly. You have talked with him about it...and nothing has changed. So what were YOU thinking? Again, you have already spoken to him about it...and nothing changes. He doesn't change because he DOES NOT want to change. So you can either learn to accept and stay with a guy who prefers his buddies over you, or you can leave a find a guy who gives a shyt. Your call. Just my opinion... 3
coolheadal Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 Can't change him he's doing what he pleases. Either you put up with it or just move on to someone who can spend the effort to give you the time you need in your life.
smackie9 Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 OP I totally get that when people are saying he doesn't care enough to change is a punch to the gut. That thought is very painful to say the least and we understand that. You want this fixed not tossed, but the sad reality is, relationships run their course, and it becomes one sided. His actions unfortunately speaks volumes. And to think, you invested your heart to someone only to have them push you away is quite devastating. I understand you are afraid of where this is going. The best thing you can do is confront him, and call him out on it, ask him if he has been thinking of moving on....get it out there before it eats you alive emotionally.
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