What can I expect from this situation?

[Empyrea]

So, in keeping with the popular theme of the moment - casual dating vs relationship boundaries - I would like to ask for your opinion on my situation.

 

I have been "dating" this guy for the past 3-4 months. I have a more detailed angsty thread about this somewhere, but in brief - we met once through friends, had a great connection, chatted online for a month, and since then during the last 3 months have been out on 8 dates together and have made plans to hang out in the future (as far as a month in advance) as well. The dates have been super romantic, some kissing and hand holding involved, but always activity dates, so no netflix and chill *wink*.

 

There's a number of issues involved:

*he's friends with my ex (who I'm also still friends with), but has been given the green light; nevertheless he's under pressure to "treat me right" if you will;

*he's got a kid who is very much a part of his life;

*he doesn't want a relationship, because he was in one for a long time - with the baby mama - (however have been broken up for ages) and I guess just wants to enjoy being young and free

 

Now, the key here is - I don't want a relationship either! So this has the potential for an ideal situation (for me at least). The moment we both expressed this, I really felt a weight lifted from our interactions, and he was much more comfortable being touchy with me. So I can tell he's a good guy, he doesn't want to mislead me or hurt me in any way. However, I'm not sure we're on the same page as to what this undefined-not-a-relationship type of situation entails. I think we should have a discussion about this sooner rather than later, but I would really like your input as to what I can realistically ask/expect of him.

 

For me, I'm not looking to be tied down or having to answer to anyone, I don't want the pressures of being someone's girlfriend, meeting the parents, seeing each other every other day, etc. But I still want the romance (he gives me that), I want to get to know him (same), I want the intimacy (pending..), and I want to not be on some backup pile for him.

 

I'm sure he's seeing other girls as well, which I'm fine with, but I don't want to know about it. As for myself, I want to feel open to possibility, but when I'm smitten (and I am smitten with him), I usually take things one guy at a time. I still casually flirt with others and I'm on tinder, but I haven't felt really interested in anyone since meeting him. And I think if I knew that he was at least equally invested in someone else at the same time, it would bother me a bit. Like I said, I don't want to be anyone's backup option.

 

So what do you think, how can I express this to him? Guys - I'm sure many of you have attempted this kind of want-to-be-single casual-but-not-so-casual type of dating with girls before : what can I realistically expect here? Does it ever work? Is it okay to want to continue this type of relationship or is he looking to move on from anything too time consuming? Would continuing this type of "relationship" already feel too much like an actual relationship? Can I attempt to incorporate sex into this without it becoming too much of a FWB? And last but not least, can I do this without getting hurt?

 

Any thoughts would be much appreciated!

Edited August 28, 2015 by Empyrea

[madjac74]

The answer to your question...Nothing. Plain and simple. Hurt feelings and confusion and probably some anger and then you guys just go on. If you truly mean that you are ok with him dating others but don't want to be a backup then that just incites competition and more arguing and more misinterpretations...blah blah blah. Your best bet is to just have random sex with friends

 

oh and the friends with your ex thing is just a powder keg waiting to explode...or you guys have a threesome.

[d0nnivain]

Only you know whether you can do this without getting hurt. Because you are worried about it, I don't think you can.

 

What I would do (& have done) is say,

look because neither of us wants a relationship right now, I just want to talk about boundaries. Basically the way I see it is that we're both free to do whatever. If you are seeing other people, please make sure I don't know about it -- no taking calls or texts from her while you are with me, keep photos off social media etc -- and do whatever you have to to preserve my health. I will do the same for you.

For the safety reasons -- AIDS, STDs etc. -- I'm not sure I could deal with the possibility my SO/FWB had other partners -- but at a minimum I'd want periodic blood work & always, always always latex condoms (the natural ones only prevent pregnancy not disease).

[Empyrea]

The answer to your question...Nothing. Plain and simple. Hurt feelings and confusion and probably some anger and then you guys just go on. If you truly mean that you are ok with him dating others but don't want to be a backup then that just incites competition and more arguing and more misinterpretations...blah blah blah. Your best bet is to just have random sex with friends

 

oh and the friends with your ex thing is just a powder keg waiting to explode...or you guys have a threesome.

 

Haha, the ex thing is really not an issue. I get that guys have some sort of a bro code going on, but to me - I couldn't care less. And I've talked to my ex about it lots as well and he's also fine. The new guy I'm not so sure about, he might still act a bit awkward if we all hang out in the same space or something. Luckily they're not besties or anything, so that shouldn't occur too often.

 

And yes, I do believe I would be fine with him dating others as well, as long as I don't know about it. So far he's been really great with that, never mentions another female in my presence. It was just this one time that he got awkward mentioning a female friend, so I could tell there was something more going on, but again, not a big deal. I think that if he wants to DATE several girls simultaneously (realistically he could maybe juggle 2 or 3), then it's his responsibility to be able to handle it and kind of treat everyone with respect and make sure they all get his time and attention equally. That would be great. However, I fear that he's a bit clueless and instead doing the "I want to be single" dance while casually flirting, dating, sexing and then dropping some girls in the meantime. That, in my humble opinion, is less cool.

[GemmaUK]

It was a long time ago but I've achieved this without any hurt, we're still friends actually.

 

We both achieved this I think by being open about other people we were dating/interested in.

It gives a dose of reality rather than the 'rose tinted spectacles' bit plus knowing could be a 'cooler' for you to enable you to see potential with other men too.

 

All that depends upon your own levels of jealousy and what you know that you can/can't handle though.

[Empyrea]

It was a long time ago but I've achieved this without any hurt, we're still friends actually.

 

We both achieved this I think by being open about other people we were dating/interested in.

It gives a dose of reality rather than the 'rose tinted spectacles' bit plus knowing could be a 'cooler' for you to enable you to see potential with other men too.

 

All that depends upon your own levels of jealousy and what you know that you can/can't handle though.

 

Ooh, well done. I'm not sure I would want to know more than just the fact that yes he's seeing other people, or I would obsess about it. Ignorance is bliss!