My wifes sex phase before me.

[SummerDreams]

Jake I get where you are coming from. F$%& buddies for a woman sounds disgusting and humiliating in my ears too and the fact she had told you she had only one and suddenly they were three and who knows what else she is hiding is disturbing. But you have to remember that you chose to marry this woman EVEN THOUGH she had had this phase in her life so that means this phase did not influence her character, personality and ethics for you to marry her. She is still the same woman you adore and cant live without. I always suggest that couples talk about anything that bothers them. Have you expressed to her your concerns? How did she react? The fact she realized sooner that later that this promiscuous lifestyle was nit for her and quit it shows me she is in fact a serious, marriage material woman. Go on with your therapy and I am sure soon you will find a way to leave the poisonous past behind and enjoy your today happiness. All people make mistakes and your wife seems to have regretted hers. Give her a chance, I do believe she deserves it.

[htmshsj]

I have never had a f**k buddy.

 

This.

 

Basically, in your pre-marriage days, no woman ever found you sexually irresistible enough for a purely physical relationship.

 

Your wife enjoys sex simply for the fact that it's pleasurable. Despite the guilt she feels, that's not a sin or a crime, and it's probably a quality that benefits you both in your relationship.

 

You have very negative feelings about the topic, and I think it has more to do with your own feelings of inadequacy and missing out on certain experiences in your single days. It's easier on your ego to simply name her as the culprit instead of admitting that you feel this way about yourself. I'd suggest a little more self-reflection and little less blame shifting before you ruin your marriage over something that doesn't really matter all that much.

[Jake1979]

Jake I get where you are coming from. F$%& buddies for a woman sounds disgusting and humiliating in my ears too and the fact she had told you she had only one and suddenly they were three and who knows what else she is hiding is disturbing. But you have to remember that you chose to marry this woman EVEN THOUGH she had had this phase in her life so that means this phase did not influence her character, personality and ethics for you to marry her. She is still the same woman you adore and cant live without. I always suggest that couples talk about anything that bothers them. Have you expressed to her your concerns? How did she react? The fact she realized sooner that later that this promiscuous lifestyle was nit for her and quit it shows me she is in fact a serious, marriage material woman. Go on with your therapy and I am sure soon you will find a way to leave the poisonous past behind and enjoy your today happiness. All people make mistakes and your wife seems to have regretted hers. Give her a chance, I do believe she deserves it.

 

 

We just last night had a calm and polite conversation. It did wonders for me completely. I can also tell your a kind person. My wife and I were raised in very different households, but despite our differences SHE IS WORTH IT! I love her and I love how understanding she is.

[SummerDreams]

We just last night had a calm and polite conversation. It did wonders for me completely. I can also tell your a kind person. My wife and I were raised in very different households, but despite our differences SHE IS WORTH IT! I love her and I love how understanding she is.

 

I am really happy for you and I wish you the best

[autumnnight]

We just last night had a calm and polite conversation. It did wonders for me completely. I can also tell your a kind person. My wife and I were raised in very different households, but despite our differences SHE IS WORTH IT! I love her and I love how understanding she is.

 

I love that you discussed this honestly AND lovingly, calmly, and kindly. It just goes to show that people CAN have a conversation with your spouse about these things without being an angry cavemen

 

I'm glad for you both.

[TaraMaiden2]

Here endeth another drama.

 

A potential minefield is neatly side-stepped.

 

Hurraaaaah!!

 

[loveflower]

This.

 

Basically, in your pre-marriage days, no woman ever found you sexually irresistible enough for a purely physical relationship.

 

Your wife enjoys sex simply for the fact that it's pleasurable. Despite the guilt she feels, that's not a sin or a crime, and it's probably a quality that benefits you both in your relationship.

 

You have very negative feelings about the topic, and I think it has more to do with your own feelings of inadequacy and missing out on certain experiences in your single days. It's easier on your ego to simply name her as the culprit instead of admitting that you feel this way about yourself. I'd suggest a little more self-reflection and little less blame shifting before you ruin your marriage over something that doesn't really matter all that much..

 

Are you sure people who don't have FWB is because no opposite sex find him/her irresistible????!!!

 

what about people who just find FWB disgusting, not because they can't have it? me, I am sure I can find tons if I want to, but I have had none.

 

you blame people who don't have FWB as inadequate and insecure? unbelievable! So, you think OP is the only problem here?

 

so you think it's wrong to have negative feeling about FWB?

 

next thing, we shouldn't have negative feeling about prostitute too. because it's pleasurable and a job as well.

Edited September 1, 2015 by loveflower

[Just a Guy]

Hi Jake,

After reading all the posts all I can say is that in the final analysis this is a problem that you own and only you can solve it. It is like a boil with pus in it. You have to press it out and apply medication and let it heal. If you let it fester it will become unbearably painful and cause you much distress which could even result in hospitalisation. You owe it to yourself and your wife to cure yourself of this niggling infection in your mind.Cheers!

[Jake1979]

Are you sure people who don't have FWB is because no opposite sex find him/her irresistible????!!!

 

what about people who just find FWB disgusting, not because they can't have it? me, I am sure I can find tons if I want to, but I have had none.

 

you blame people who don't have FWB as inadequate and insecure? unbelievable! So, you think OP is the only problem here?

 

so you think it's wrong to have negative feeling about FWB?

 

next thing, we shouldn't have negative feeling about prostitute too. because it's pleasurable and a job as well.

 

 

I didn't want to say anything but I agree. I'm not judging any of you for anything. People have been very critical of me however. People who have cheated on their spouse are pointing there fingers at me!!! WTF!! I'm just trying to understand.

[MidwestUSA]

Hey, Jake! Just wanted to say congrats on sitting down and having a good convo with your wife.

 

It's so much better than letting things fester. I wish you a happy life!

[autumnnight]

I didn't want to say anything but I agree. I'm not judging any of you for anything. People have been very critical of me however. People who have cheated on their spouse are pointing there fingers at me!!! WTF!! I'm just trying to understand.

 

It is understandable that you might not find having a FWB desirable. Many people, myself included, do not. However, regarding people who have cheated on their spouses - if those people have shown remorse, made amends, changed, etc. then the implication that they have no place to have an opinion is misplaced.

 

I bring this up because it speaks to a possible inability on your part to see people as changed after bad decisions, which could affect how you see your wife.

[Jake1979]

It is understandable that you might not find having a FWB desirable. Many people, myself included, do not. However, regarding people who have cheated on their spouses - if those people have shown remorse, made amends, changed, etc. then the implication that they have no place to have an opinion is misplaced.

 

I bring this up because it speaks to a possible inability on your part to see people as changed after bad decisions, which could affect how you see your wife.

 

 

I think that's beautiful what you wrote about "being changed after bad decisions". She was distressed when she told me that night. She quit having sex after her third f.w.b. in a two year span. I didn't tell her she was bad or dirty because I could already tell she was hurting even worse by simply having the conversation. I know she feels bad. I know my wife. I love my wife and I'll forgive her for anything. It just hurt to hear. I know that sounds childish and irrational but I'm telling the truth. I came to this board because I'm hurting and I can't seem to get it out of my mind but from what I'm reading/read I'm not alone. I have faith that this will fade over time. We're recently married and I love her and don't regret my decision whatsoever. I just hope she doesn't regret hers. God forgive me for having judgment on my sweet poor wife. She wouldn't and hasn't judged me for anything, and I could be judged easily as well.

[PaperCrane]

I think that's beautiful what you wrote about "being changed after bad decisions". She was distressed when she told me that night. She quit having sex after her third f.w.b. in a two year span. I didn't tell her she was bad or dirty because I could already tell she was hurting even worse by simply having the conversation. I know she feels bad. I know my wife. I love my wife and I'll forgive her for anything. It just hurt to hear. I know that sounds childish and irrational but I'm telling the truth. I came to this board because I'm hurting and I can't seem to get it out of my mind but from what I'm reading/read I'm not alone. I have faith that this will fade over time. We're recently married and I love her and don't regret my decision whatsoever. I just hope she doesn't regret hers. God forgive me for having judgment on my sweet poor wife. She wouldn't and hasn't judged me for anything, and I could be judged easily as well.

 

I know this kind of feeling. I'll probably get flak for the below comparison, however it's only to show it in a different light and in no way is trying to devalue a human for what they are.

 

You knew her as she was when you made the choice. People all have values in other peoples minds. You valued her greatly and came to terms with her past and your past and all was apparently made clear. It was not. To reiterate... Not attempting to devalue a human being here, but imagine she were a car. You just signed your life on the dotted line with what the cars information spoke of.

 

Now imagine, some secret compartment opens up and you find out it's been in three accidents. The damage has been repaired, it looks the same as if it hadn't been, and everything you love about it is still there...but you feel misled. Would you still have gone for it? Yeah. However, with this knowledge, the reaction is of suddenly seeing something having less value than it did before the information was found out.

 

It's all retroactive jealousy and reflects on US and how WE deal with it. The reason it hurts is because she chose others over you while you were neck deep in love with her. That hurts, I know.

 

Here's the reality though, she may have chosen them first over you for that time. It sounds like you have similar views on intercourse as I do, in a way. It's supposed to mean something. She did it purely for pleasure, because she needed to have physical needs met. You wanted a relationship with feelings and a future and sex. She just wanted sex right then, you couldn't have been and wouldn't have been a viable option.

 

You sir, are her final choice though. Out of everyone she chose YOU. She has vowed to love you until death. Out of all the fun she could have had, or still be having. With all you read on these boards of breakups and failings and broken hearts you two made it through and down that aisle to something real.

 

Do. Not. ****. This. Up.

[Jake1979]

I know this kind of feeling. I'll probably get flak for the below comparison, however it's only to show it in a different light and in no way is trying to devalue a human for what they are.

 

You knew her as she was when you made the choice. People all have values in other peoples minds. You valued her greatly and came to terms with her past and your past and all was apparently made clear. It was not. To reiterate... Not attempting to devalue a human being here, but imagine she were a car. You just signed your life on the dotted line with what the cars information spoke of.

 

Now imagine, some secret compartment opens up and you find out it's been in three accidents. The damage has been repaired, it looks the same as if it hadn't been, and everything you love about it is still there...but you feel misled. Would you still have gone for it? Yeah. However, with this knowledge, the reaction is of suddenly seeing something having less value than it did before the information was found out.

 

It's all retroactive jealousy and reflects on US and how WE deal with it. The reason it hurts is because she chose others over you while you were neck deep in love with her. That hurts, I know.

 

Here's the reality though, she may have chosen them first over you for that time. It sounds like you have similar views on intercourse as I do, in a way. It's supposed to mean something. She did it purely for pleasure, because she needed to have physical needs met. You wanted a relationship with feelings and a future and sex. She just wanted sex right then, you couldn't have been and wouldn't have been a viable option.

 

You sir, are her final choice though. Out of everyone she chose YOU. She has vowed to love you until death. Out of all the fun she could have had, or still be having. With all you read on these boards of breakups and failings and broken hearts you two made it through and down that aisle to something real.

 

Do. Not. ****. This. Up.

 

 

I won't my friend. Thank you for your honesty and piece of mind.

[Got it]

I think that's beautiful what you wrote about "being changed after bad decisions". She was distressed when she told me that night. She quit having sex after her third f.w.b. in a two year span. I didn't tell her she was bad or dirty because I could already tell she was hurting even worse by simply having the conversation. I know she feels bad. I know my wife. I love my wife and I'll forgive her for anything. It just hurt to hear. I know that sounds childish and irrational but I'm telling the truth. I came to this board because I'm hurting and I can't seem to get it out of my mind but from what I'm reading/read I'm not alone. I have faith that this will fade over time. We're recently married and I love her and don't regret my decision whatsoever. I just hope she doesn't regret hers. God forgive me for having judgment on my sweet poor wife. She wouldn't and hasn't judged me for anything, and I could be judged easily as well.

 

Jake, just adding on to this, maybe there is a need for some acceptance that it will hurt for you. That maybe you are trying to "will" the hurt away and it isn't possible. We all have moments in our lives that hurt even when we move past them. So maybe accept that this event/information will have a sting to it. It doesn't mean you can't move forward, doesn't mean it needs to radically change the relationship but it is a sting that can't be resolved - at least in the near future. Maybe that is something you are struggling with?

[Jake1979]

I know this kind of feeling. I'll probably get flak for the below comparison, however it's only to show it in a different light and in no way is trying to devalue a human for what they are.

 

You knew her as she was when you made the choice. People all have values in other peoples minds. You valued her greatly and came to terms with her past and your past and all was apparently made clear. It was not. To reiterate... Not attempting to devalue a human being here, but imagine she were a car. You just signed your life on the dotted line with what the cars information spoke of.

 

Now imagine, some secret compartment opens up and you find out it's been in three accidents. The damage has been repaired, it looks the same as if it hadn't been, and everything you love about it is still there...but you feel misled. Would you still have gone for it? Yeah. However, with this knowledge, the reaction is of suddenly seeing something having less value than it did before the information was found out.

 

It's all retroactive jealousy and reflects on US and how WE deal with it. The reason it hurts is because she chose others over you while you were neck deep in love with her. That hurts, I know.

 

Here's the reality though, she may have chosen them first over you for that time. It sounds like you have similar views on intercourse as I do, in a way. It's supposed to mean something. She did it purely for pleasure, because she needed to have physical needs met. You wanted a relationship with feelings and a future and sex. She just wanted sex right then, you couldn't have been and wouldn't have been a viable option.

 

You sir, are her final choice though. Out of everyone she chose YOU. She has vowed to love you until death. Out of all the fun she could have had, or still be having. With all you read on these boards of breakups and failings and broken hearts you two made it through and down that aisle to something real.

 

Do. Not. ****. This. Up.

 

 

This again to me is so very powerful. Yes it did hurt so very badly to see her chose other guys over me when she knew I was in love with her but she was 20 at the time we met and clearly not ready for a life long relationship. To be honest I most likely wasn't either. God knows at that age we probably would have failed anyhow. Most college couples do. All I know is this summer after 15 years of being out of touch she gave me her word before god and our families that she would love and honor me and only me for the rest our lives. Will I always have a wound from this? Yes. But She picked me to live, grow old and die with. Not them. Thank you for your honesty and firm response to my post. I will always be thankful for your courtesy.

[Jake1979]

Jake, just adding on to this, maybe there is a need for some acceptance that it will hurt for you. That maybe you are trying to "will" the hurt away and it isn't possible. We all have moments in our lives that hurt even when we move past them. So maybe accept that this event/information will have a sting to it. It doesn't mean you can't move forward, doesn't mean it needs to radically change the relationship but it is a sting that can't be resolved - at least in the near future. Maybe that is something you are struggling with?

 

 

It is. I know now and am slowly coming to terms with the idea and the fact that there will always be a room in my heart that will probably remain broken. However, life isn't always easy. I need to endure and be happy with what I have, because it's more than most. I have a lot of single friends who would kill to be loved. I know I am loved so I should and need to deal with this. Thank you for your post. It was poetic.

[oldshirt]

I don't have any solutions for the OP, but rather I just want to point out that this is a perfect example of why people should never have the "numbers" discussion nor discuss their private matters in any detail that occurred before their relationship.

 

 

This crap happens all the frick'n time. It's just human nature to be haunted by your spouses prior exploits so just don't go there. There is never anything good that can come from the numbers talk, only angst.

 

 

There is never anything good that can come from knowing all the who, what, when, where, how and with how many circus midgets from your partner's college days.

 

 

Private matters need to be kept private. Who and what you did in bed before meeting your spouse is your business and your cross to bear. There is no need to burden them with it. And who and what they did in bed is their business and they have no reason and no right to burden you with it.

 

 

You can either bite your tongue and live in the here and now and forge a future with your partner, or you dig up some old turds out of the toilet and stink up your current life by yacking about your slutty periods of your life. Why do that?????

[TaraMaiden2]

For my part, in my own opinion, people attach far too much importance to the sexual act.

 

(Leaving aside all and any negative, pessimistic connotations, or 'variations on a theme') In short, what is it, really?

 

Two people using one particular focused part of their bodies to gain some kind of temporary enjoyment, fun, pleasure and satisfaction.

 

It's usually brief, occasionally memorable, rarely incredible, but far more often than not, relatively ordinary and NOT earth shattering.

 

That's romantic movie stuff.

I have yet to see a chick-flick, for example, when the 'making love' part was ho-hum, sticky, awkward and faltering... As it in fact so often is....

 

And let me tell you, as you get older, the frequency begins to falter, and you can go for weeks without sex.

 

Without actually minding all that much.

 

Indeed, with the right partner - I would emphasise that - WITH the right partner, after a while, the sex doesn't even come into it.

It's old hat, unnecessary and you find other, diverse stimulations of the cerebral kind, that actually matter more.

 

IF you have a good connection with your partner, sex becomes insignificant, because you no longer need it, and are content to share other intimacies with your SO, which actually cement your relationship in far more special ways.

 

Sex can be hugely over-rated, and in comparison to the amount of sex we actually have, is really not all that it's supposedly cut out to be.

 

Some people have a very high sex drive.

I would venture to suggest that even every time they manage to have sex, it's fairly ordinary, satisfies that moment's lust, but is nothing to write home about.

Even if they manage to have sex 10 times a week, I would hazard a guess that only one or maybe two of those times really stands out as mind-blowing.

 

Big deal. The other 8 might just as well not have taken place, other than to sate a physical appetite....

 

We over-rate sex.

We're fed a diet of 'sex' as being the be-all and end-all of a relationship.

Via books, magazines, films and even advertising.

If it's sexy, it must be great, and we must have it.

 

When you consider how many people seek the perfect sex life, and don't get it, it's not so much an indication of physical incompatibility, but more of an over-idealised mental notion of what we believe it would take to make us happy in a relationship.

 

If the incompatibility is severe, and extreme, maybe yes, it would be best to find someone on our physical wavelength.

 

But - is THAT what it would take to make our relationship what we want it to be?

The sexual compatibility?

Because if that goes - then what else would hold it together?

Why DO we place so much emphasis on the sex being right, on the sex being 'acceptable' and why do we put so much responsibility on the shoulders of our partners to be who - and what - we expect them to be?

 

Really, analyse this: Why dafuq does it really, really matter?

 

What does it matter how many penises a GF/wife has encountered?

Why should it bother her how many vaginas her BF/husband has penetrated?

 

Really think about this.

It has nothing whatsoever to do with the personality, mentality and character of the person we are with, today.

 

Sex is a three-letter word that we imbue with the weight of an absolute ton, when in fact, under the microscope, it's just a ball of sticky, messy, temporary, faltering, hesitant, brief and ultimately ephemeral hot air.

 

Fer chrissakes - let it go....

[oldshirt]

Now to address your actual dilemma Jake, not only is your story of finding your love love 15 years later sweet, endearing and romantic, it is actually a classic tale of coming of age worthy of a Greek play.

 

It is the classic tale of the boy becoming a man. Our modern adaptation of this classic tale from mythology is Luke Skywalker in Star Wars. He is an insecure, naive dreamer who has not come into his own and who is traumatized by his nemesis. He goes off to the jungle planet to train with his mentor who helps him face his demons, develops his vision and focus and works on his weaknesses.

 

He then returns as a Jedi Knight and kicks the emperor's ass and wins the hearts of all.

 

This is really no different. You were a shy, naive, unassertive boy that wasn't aggressive enough to capture the girl's heart and you lost her to the antagonist of your personal story.

 

You then went out into the world and developed your character, sharpened your focus, strengthened your weakness and transformed into your own man.

 

When you returned all gallant and bold in your shining armor and white stallion, you found your fair maiden in a state of distress and yearning. You were then able to slay the Dragon, run off the interlopers and save the kingdom and were thus able to take the princesses hand in marriage as your just reward.

 

Simply classic. I love it!

[oldshirt]

You dilemma here is not really contempt towards her. But rather it is more of a angst towards your own perceived failings and inadequacies of your younger self.

 

You are actually disappointed and bitter towards him for being unable to capture her heart which you so desperately wanted to do then.

 

This is a form of insecurity in way but it's not an insecurity you can directly address because it involves a person that no longer exists...Your former self.

 

I think the fix here is to forgive your former self for being the shy, naive boy under development that he was then for not having the wisdom and balls to stand up and fight for her.

 

And forgive your wife for not having the maturity and wisdom to be able to see who would be the better man when she 20 years old.

 

Then accept the greatness within yourself that you have become and take your rightful seat at the throne with your queen at your side.

[oldshirt]

In short, the young, immature, naive and impetuous 20 year olds that were ruled by their hormones are gone. And in their place are two competent, mature adults with the wisdom to take charge of their own destinies and do what they know we're right for them.

 

It's time to let go of the hurts of the past. Forgive yourself. Forgive her.

Forgive each other for being young and dumb.

 

If you need a little professional assistance to do that, go for it.

 

You let that young, shy, naive boy ***** things up back then. Don't allow that boy from yesteryear screw things up today.

[Got it]

Now to address your actual dilemma Jake, not only is your story of finding your love love 15 years later sweet, endearing and romantic, it is actually a classic tale of coming of age worthy of a Greek play.

 

It is the classic tale of the boy becoming a man. Our modern adaptation of this classic tale from mythology is Luke Skywalker in Star Wars. He is an insecure, naive dreamer who has not come into his own and who is traumatized by his nemesis. He goes off to the jungle planet to train with his mentor who helps him face his demons, develops his vision and focus and works on his weaknesses.

 

He then returns as a Jedi Knight and kicks the emperor's ass and wins the hearts of all.

 

This is really no different. You were a shy, naive, unassertive boy that wasn't aggressive enough to capture the girl's heart and you lost her to the antagonist of your personal story.

 

You then went out into the world and developed your character, sharpened your focus, strengthened your weakness and transformed into your own man.

 

When you returned all gallant and bold in your shining armor and white stallion, you found your fair maiden in a state of distress and yearning. You were then able to slay the Dragon, run off the interlopers and save the kingdom and were thus able to take the princesses hand in marriage as your just reward.

 

Simply classic. I love it!

 

OMG can I say how much I love the use of a Star Wars analogy! This is sheer brilliance!

[Jake1979]

You dilemma here is not really contempt towards her. But rather it is more of a angst towards your own perceived failings and inadequacies of your younger self.

 

You are actually disappointed and bitter towards him for being unable to capture her heart which you so desperately wanted to do then.

 

This is a form of insecurity in way but it's not an insecurity you can directly address because it involves a person that no longer exists...Your former self.

 

I think the fix here is to forgive your former self for being the shy, naive boy under development that he was then for not having the wisdom and balls to stand up and fight for her.

 

And forgive your wife for not having the maturity and wisdom to be able to see who would be the better man when she 20 years old.

 

Then accept the greatness within yourself that you have become and take your rightful seat at the throne with your queen at your side.

 

 

I don't know who you are but your insight is pretty darn accurate. I think you struck a nerve. I have to release this hatred and regret I have for myself. I know deep down this was my fault. But I can't do anything about the past now and no one else can either. Some things we all just have to endure I suppose. Thank you for your post.

[Jake1979]

I don't know who you are but your insight is pretty darn accurate. I think you struck a nerve. I have to release this hatred and regret I have for myself. I know deep down this was my fault. But I can't do anything about the past now and no one else can either. Some things we all just have to endure I suppose. Thank you for your post.

 

 

Thank you also for your kindness and support. It's a gift to be treated kindly by a stranger.