My wifes sex phase before me.

[autumnnight]

Can people not deal with this BEFORE they marry? I mean, when you make a promise to a wife knowing her past, you do not then get to decide she is a whore after the fact.

[Horton]

Guy comes here admitting his feelings of retroactive jealousy are irrational, tells us he's in therapy, asks for our help and maybe an understanding ear just to get castigated for two pages. Sorry OP, I hope you'll find what you're looking for fella.

[loveflower]

Guy comes here admitting his feelings of retroactive jealousy are irrational, tells us he's in therapy, asks for our help and maybe an understanding ear just to get castigated for two pages. Sorry OP, I hope you'll find what you're looking for fella.

 

um...on that note, I totally understand OP.

I will feel the same. In fact, this is one of the reasons I am still alone. The thought of how many women a guy has had disgust me.

The mind is rational, the heart is not. So Op is doing the pros and cons...the battle of heart and mind.

[LuckyLady13]

An ex-boyfriend of mine had a problem with retroactive jealousy and it got worse over the years instead of better. I found that a strange thing about the situation. The longer we were together, the more concerned he was with the past? And I noticed how, Jake, you mentioned you didn't ask for this "pain". If she was currently cheating on you, I can see that causing pain. Not her past.

 

I'm glad you said you're in therapy and realize how irrational it is to be in pain over a few ex-lovers your wife has. I think, being that this is irrational thinking, there may not be anything anyone can say to help you get over this. Are you really going to be able to listen to just a few words and change how you feel?

 

I do have to ask you something. Would you be okay divorcing your wife tomorrow morning? And never look back? Over this?? I'm asking because I saw myself how bad this retroactive jealousy can get. Ate away at my ex like a cancer over time. He lashed out at me eventually and started acting really crazy. This played a very large part in our eventual breakup.

 

He had even started to imagine an overblown image in his mind of me having unrealistically fantastic sex with anyone I dated in the past. I didn't even mention a sex life at all but his imagination played severe games with him over time.

 

We were together about 6 years. First 2 years or so he was okay with me having a past. After that, each year he got a lot worse and I'm mentioning this to you because I don't want to see you go down that same bad, lonely road that he did. After we broke up because of his irrational behavior (got to a point he acted like I cheated on him), he realized he destroyed our relationship for good and I moved on!

 

How did I feel before he started acting completely loony about this? I had an interesting past. Not a ton of lovers before him but a few very interesting ones. There were some things about the men in my past that really did blow the doors off this guy. Just a few minor things. I didn't miss them. I couldn't have cared less where they were. They were my past. I saw my future with the guy who eventually was eaten away by retroactive jealousy. I was looking ahead, not in the rearview mirror. Even if I had a better sex life at times in my past, I thought it was so cool that I had a future to shape and mold with the guy I was with. There, with him, I found hope for a great future. I thought we were going to grow together, learn new things and have a lot of fun.

 

Don't let your imagination eat away at you.

[Popsicle]

Maybe you're just sexually bored with your wife now and thinking you would have not gotten bored had you had more sex when you were single.

 

Well, I have news for you, even people who have had a lot of sex before marrying still get bored of their spouse.

[LuckyLady13]

Enigma, I was clear in my post and your question was answered there.

[LuckyLady13]

Jake and Enigma - I forgot to mention something in my first post!

 

This ex with the retroactive jealousy problem said something very telling at the beginning of our relationship before he calmed down for about 2 years. He asked me how many people I dated before we met. I explained I'm a long term relationship type so I dated 5 men previous to him. I tried to be polite about it and not go into any detail. He then said to me "I wish you never dated anyone before me" and my eyes popped out of my head which brought him to quickly correct himself and say "oh, and me too!".

 

At the time this occurred, I thought it was just a dumb, passing thought that went through his head. I didn't realize what it actually meant. And I didn't find out the extent of his jealousy until a few years later when the pin got pulled on that grenade!

 

I have never EVER gone into detail about a previous lover EVER with a man I was with. I have never once discussed what sex with another guy entailed. And I had a different ex who used to beg me to do just that. Seemed to turn him on! I refused. It's just not me. I can't bring myself to do it because I find it extremely awkward, uncomfortable and even plain wrong and inappropriate. My ex who wanted to know couldn't pry the info out of me with the jaws of life. He found it frustrating as if I were holding back information he was just dying to know.

 

And, Enigma, you brought to mind a situation with the guy I'm with right now. (Apparently the beginning of a relationship can be rocky because...) This guy decided, when we were first together and I was giving him oral to say right in the middle of it "is this the technique you usually use?" and I stopped dead and was horrified! If you don't know why I was horrified, I'll tell you and Jake, this is really for you - I was not AT ALL thinking of any previous relationship at that moment and he ruined it for me! I asked him why in this freakin' world was he thinking about my previous relationships at a moment like that! I told him to never bring previous relationships into the bedroom again. I explained how, when he asked me that, a flood of images of past lovers flashed through my mind and completely killed the moment.

 

Jake, it's so not worth thinking about her past.

[Grumpybutfun]

This is something you need to discuss with her and try to figure out how to deal with it in a loving and kind manner. You feel what you feel, but resentment over something she can't change isn't healthy. Do you have a mentor or spiritual advisor you could talk to?

G

[Jake1979]

I do have issues with the F buddies being outside of a relationship.

[MrNate 2.0]

Leaving her would be my very last resort. I love her. It's just and ego thing I suppose. I love her and earned her love and her body through this process. It just makes me upset some guy had her in a week and she let it happen. Regardless, she feels bad about this because she quit having sex due to her phase. I just wish she would not have told me. I didn't ask for this pain. I think she knows now that I don't want to hear about her past sex life.

 

I see.

 

Well it seems fundamentally, you value her quite highly, seeing as she's your wife. So if you're upset that a guy had her in a week, maybe try stepping back a bit and considering the dynamic.

 

He had her in a week. They had a sexual relationship, and it seems like it ended there.

 

You'll have her for a lifetime.

 

Also, I assume all of this happened before you even came along. So clearly when you made your way into the picture, your presence was so powerful it turned her world upside down. A FWB doesn't do that. It is just a means to an end.

 

Most of your life will be spent outside of the bedroom, my friend. She found you to be one worth spending it with.

 

However, it still may be too late. The images may never leave your mind. If you just can't move past it, do the right thing and separate. Take the time to go explore more women, or do some soul searching.

 

I'd also encourage you to make that into a new boundary. No discussing what's happened in the past. Focus on the future, because that's the only thing you can change.

[Jake1979]

I want to thank you all for responding, however some of you have been very rude for reasons I don't understand completely. I know I'm wrong to judge her or anyone. Judging others is unethical, but I am human and I make mistakes like everyone. I'm just upset because her telling me about her sex phase and **** buddies was utterly avoidable!! I wasn't asking and I never would've found out. I think she fell into a confessional state for a day or two and now I'm loosing sleep and my mind is filled with unnecessary I imagery and imagination. Again I'm completely committed and faithful to my wife. I'd die for her, and I'm sure as hell not going to leave her. She's my everything! I'm not a woman hating mysaginist like some of you are implying. My sisters my best friend and since my dad died in March she, my mother, and my loving wife are all I have left. I don't want to give up her or lose what we've made and what we have. I'm simply trying to find understanding and advice for my situation. I'm sorry if I pissed half of you off. I was just looking for answers and help. Thank you to those folks who have constructively tried to help me with kindness and courtesy. I appreciate it greatly.

[Jake1979]

Thank you.

[ScotchBeef]

You came here asking for help and advice, and that's exactly what you got. I agree that some of what has been said in this thread might come across as hating or judgemental but it really does seem to me to be peoples genuine opinions on your situation.

 

This forum isn't about providing the magic pill to cure peoples relationship problems, it's about different people giving their own advice (regardless of whether you find it helpful or not) and hoping it'll help out in some way.

 

You just need to knuckle down and accept that your missus was a little ........ promiscious in the past. As others have said, either accept it or get rid of her, just don't be bitter and hold it against her.

[LuckyLady13]

Jake, you said she, basically, out of the blue told you way more information than you wanted to know? Any idea, besides the possible confessional state theory, this popped out suddenly?

 

Do you think it's possible she thought this wouldn't bother you at all?

 

Like I said, I had an ex who was completely enthused, wanting to know details of my sex life before we knew each other. Some people are much more relaxed about this idea than I am. He definitely told me more about his past than I wanted to know and I think, because hearing about my past wouldn't bother him, he assumed what he was telling me about his past wouldn't bother me either.

 

After him, I dated someone so on the opposite end of the spectrum he wished I never dated until the day I met him and just the mere thought of me being with another guy with no details to go on sent him into a jealous spiral of fear and rage.

 

Everybody deals with this situation differently and it's possible she meant no harm at all.

 

I am trying to understand how it bothers you that she was able to bang someone outside of a relationship like it meant nothing. I do get that. But, being on the outside of your situation, you're the guy she wanted to stay with who actually meant something to her. Where are her old **** buddies? She probably couldn't care less. Those guys have every reason to be jealous OF YOU!

[WomenWubber]

I'm sorry for your pain, Jake1979.

 

If you have decided to stay with your wife, then you will have to eat away the pain before it eats away at you. It can be done with therapy, but you will have to mold your mind so you can accept the situation you're in. You may even have to change your moral code to accomplish this.

 

I just wish she would not have told me. I didn't ask for this pain. I think she knows now that I don't want to hear about her past sex life.

 

This makes me worry.

 

What if there's more she wants to tell you? You've been experiencing this pain just now, but your wife may have been bearing feelings of guilt for years. The fact that she took this step and shared that info with you, to me it means that she wants to get closer to you. Why now? I have no idea, but something must have triggered in her head.

[RedRobin]

There comes a time in every long term relationship when we learn something about our partner that we find disappointing.

 

 

She told you how many partners she had before she met you, and you didn't have a problem with it then. I don't see how there was any deception involved here.

 

 

Not sure why she felt the need to disclose more details, but it is possible that she is trying to bring you two closer and not have secrets between you. You'll have to decide how much, or how little, honesty you have in your relationship.

 

 

I get it that you might find the details disturbing. I wouldn't like it if I found out that someone I was dating or married to had even one FWB, because I don't like the idea of my partner being able to use someone for sex. I got a lot of flak here awhile back because I dumped a guy when I found out he had a long term FWB.... and I've never knowingly dated someone since then who had one. But I have the luxury of not being married to that guy. You ARE married, and so have a stronger reason to try and work this out somehow.

 

 

In your case, it seems this is something she tried and decided she didn't like... it was a turning point in her life and values. So I'm more optimistic for you two that you CAN work through this. Your values ARE consistent.

 

 

If she kind of blew it off like it was no big deal, I'd be more worried about you two. But she didn't. So you have the framework to get over this and move forward. I think you can trust that this is not a life choice or a preference for her (ie casual, NSA sex)... and work on whatever feelings of inadequacy or jealousy you may have.

 

 

Here's a question... would your values be different if you HAD some FWBs before getting married? How do you think that would have improved your life? Isn't there a possibility those FWBs might have been a very negative experience? Not a positive one like you are imagining? They certainly weren't positive for your wife. What makes you think it would have been positive for you? Any chance that you dodged a bullet by NOT having a FWB? And you can consider yourself fortunate to be married to someone who doesn't value them or believe it is no big deal? I dunno. While you may wish to be married to someone who never had one at all... the next best scenario is to be with someone who had one and decided it wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

[autumnnight]

The big question is: can you still see her as the same wonderful woman you chose to marry? Because she is. If you can, that is wonderful. If you cannot, if you will always see her as less, if this is going to be a long term rumination or a card to play during arguments....then get help, or set her free.

[Jake1979]

The big question is: can you still see her as the same wonderful woman you chose to marry? Because she is. If you can, that is wonderful. If you cannot, if you will always see her as less, if this is going to be a long term rumination or a card to play during arguments....then get help, or set her free.

 

 

I love her autumnnight. I know I'll get through this. And I know you're right. She's the same girl I knew before. I fell in love with her not her history. I do wish she would've been truthful about her sex phase and the number of partners, but it doesn't change who she is in her heart and her soul. Thank you for your advice and words.

[Jake1979]

I see.

 

Well it seems fundamentally, you value her quite highly, seeing as she's your wife. So if you're upset that a guy had her in a week, maybe try stepping back a bit and considering the dynamic.

 

He had her in a week. They had a sexual relationship, and it seems like it ended there.

 

You'll have her for a lifetime.

 

Also, I assume all of this happened before you even came along. So clearly when you made your way into the picture, your presence was so powerful it turned her world upside down. A FWB doesn't do that. It is just a means to an end.

 

 

Leaving her isn't an option to me unless she wants me to go. I love her and I want to get over this asap. I'm still in need of advice and maybe a success story from someone who was in my shoes once.

 

Most of your life will be spent outside of the bedroom, my friend. She found you to be one worth spending it with.

 

However, it still may be too late. The images may never leave your mind. If you just can't move past it, do the right thing and separate. Take the time to go explore more women, or do some soul searching.

 

I'd also encourage you to make that into a new boundary. No discussing what's happened in the past. Focus on the future, because that's the only thing you can change.

 

Leaving her isn't an option to me unless she wants me to go. I love her and I want to get over this asap. I'm still in need of advice and maybe a success story from someone who was in my shoes once.

[Jake1979]

Jake, you said she, basically, out of the blue told you way more information than you wanted to know? Any idea, besides the possible confessional state theory, this popped out suddenly?

 

Do you think it's possible she thought this wouldn't bother you at all?

 

Like I said, I had an ex who was completely enthused, wanting to know details of my sex life before we knew each other. Some people are much more relaxed about this idea than I am. He definitely told me more about his past than I wanted to know and I think, because hearing about my past wouldn't bother him, he assumed what he was telling me about his past wouldn't bother me either.

 

After him, I dated someone so on the opposite end of the spectrum he wished I never dated until the day I met him and just the mere thought of me being with another guy with no details to go on sent him into a jealous spiral of fear and rage.

 

Everybody deals with this situation differently and it's possible she meant no harm at all.

 

I am trying to understand how it bothers you that she was able to bang someone outside of a relationship like it meant nothing. I do get that. But, being on the outside of your situation, you're the guy she wanted to stay with who actually meant something to her. Where are her old **** buddies? She probably couldn't care less. Those guys have every reason to be jealous OF YOU!

 

She says she told me because she didn't feel good about what she was doing anymore/at that time. She was reflecting on where here life was headed sexually and felt she needed to stop. She gave up sex for ten months and told herself she would never have sex again until she met the man she married.

[Jake1979]

She says she told me because she didn't feel good about what she was doing anymore/at that time. She was reflecting on where here life was headed sexually and felt she needed to stop. She gave up sex for ten months and told herself she would never have sex again until she met the man she married.

 

 

And yes when she told me I had never told her anything of my past whatsoever. So this was confessional and she was very rattled while telling me the story. But I don't think she thought it would hurt me or stay with me for this long.

[autumnnight]

And yes when she told me I had never told her anything of my past whatsoever. So this was confessional and she was very rattled while telling me the story. But I don't think she thought it would hurt me or stay with me for this long.

 

I guarantee she didn't think it would, or else she wouldn't have talked about it.

[Rejected Rosebud]

And yes when she told me I had never told her anything of my past whatsoever. So this was confessional and she was very rattled while telling me the story. But I don't think she thought it would hurt me or stay with me for this long.

This is a big problem with this scenario. I understand how you feel and I know we can't help how we feel, but I don't have any good advice for you except for to learn how to be accepting with love.

 

I have to say how much it hurts me though to read over and over on here lately about how some woman felt like telling her mate intimate details of her past - only to be judged harshly or have damaged the relationship by doing so.

 

I bet she felt very safe "confessing" this to you. In some of the other cases I bet women were really encouraged to tell all to their mate. The women must have felt alot of trust. And not expected it to harm the man or to ruin their relationship over it. In your case, I feel bad for her that she even feels guilt about her past. She did nothing wrong. When it wasn't working for her anymore she stopped. That is all good!! I really think so.

 

How about you said you would stand by her "for better or worse" and even if you think this is "worse" you need to learn how to appreciate and have gratitude that life brought you a person you love enough to want to spend your life with??

[Jake1979]

This is a big problem with this scenario. I understand how you feel and I know we can't help how we feel, but I don't have any good advice for you except for to learn how to be accepting with love.

 

I have to say how much it hurts me though to read over and over on here lately about how some woman felt like telling her mate intimate details of her past - only to be judged harshly or have damaged the relationship by doing so.

 

I bet she felt very safe "confessing" this to you. In some of the other cases I bet women were really encouraged to tell all to their mate. The women must have felt alot of trust. And not expected it to harm the man or to ruin their relationship over it. In your case, I feel bad for her that she even feels guilt about her past. She did nothing wrong. When it wasn't working for her anymore she stopped. That is all good!! I really think so.

 

How about you said you would stand by her "for better or worse" and even if you think this is "worse" you need to learn how to appreciate and have gratitude that life brought you a person you love enough to want to spend your life with??

 

You sound like a very wise person. She laid her soul on the line and I've maid her pay for it with judgment that she obviously already had placed on herself. I feel bad. But I still wish I didn't know. I'm stuck.

[Rejected Rosebud]

You sound like a very wise person. She laid her soul on the line and I've maid her pay for it with judgment that she obviously already had placed on herself. I feel bad. But I still wish I didn't know. I'm stuck.

Well you are completely capable of moving on from it if you seriously truly want to do the best for your relationship, it is a choice. Your therapist can help you do it. Good luck!!