sunshinegirl Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 I can't seem to get my ex firmly knocked off the pedastal. We dated for 6 months...not really long enough to experience everyday problems or frustrations...so I don't have much negative stuff to dwell on. My pro list would be far, far longer than any con list I might come up with. I am depressed. Very depressed. I've never known anyone like him, have never had that kind of connection before, and don't know how to get over him. Would love to hear stories of how people got over someone they were firmly, firmly convinced was "the one" for them.
moimeme Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 There's lots of stories here. I don't usually read specific forums but I imagine the 'coping' forum should have some information which might be helpful.
ConfusedInOC Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 Do the PRO/CON sheet and BE HONEST. Remember all the MEAN things he did to you. Humans tend to remember fond memories and block out the bad ones. When you do that, you tend to leave someone on a pedestal longer than they should be. Remember God works his wonders for a reason. Men and women are like buses. There's always another one coming 'round the corner soon.
whitewhale Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 Originally posted by sunshinegirl I can't seem to get my ex firmly knocked off the pedastal. We dated for 6 months...not really long enough to experience everyday problems or frustrations...so I don't have much negative stuff to dwell on. My pro list would be far, far longer than any con list I might come up with. I am depressed. Very depressed. I've never known anyone like him, have never had that kind of connection before, and don't know how to get over him. Would love to hear stories of how people got over someone they were firmly, firmly convinced was "the one" for them. I made a list of cons only. 28 things came out... A lot, isn't it? You should try harder maybe? Or, isn't it that since there was no everyday life involved he is actually some idealized image you made up? I had that problem twice in the past. And it was almost impossible to make a list too. For the very reason. But it helps that the fact that you CAN"T make it means you DON"T reallu KNOW him. Not the real person, but a virtual, made up, holiday person, that only shows his good aspects, and not his true colors. He's not real. "Wake up to the real world"
dgiirl Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 The number one con is my ex dumped me, and the way he dumped me is making me take him off that pedestal. It's taken me 3 months so far, and I'm starting to see how blinded I've been to his negativity on my self esteem and self worth. I'm coming up with a whole bunch of different scenarios to get me past the emotional phases. The one I'm using now is "The man I used to love no longer exists, and this guy is a total stranger who lies to me to make him feel good". Just pretend he's dead or something, and implement NC asap. It really does help.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 12, 2005 Author Posted May 12, 2005 I think I'll need to do a con list only. Whitewhale, I think you're right that I didn't get to know HIM very well b/c we were long distance and it was the honeymoon phase. It's like I have to imagine what the bad things would have been had we continued to see each other. COC, the "mean" things are almost all going to come from the last month we were together, when he started pulling away and didn't talk about it with me. It's all going to relate to passive-aggressive, avoidant behavior because he was never ever affirmatively "mean". Dgiirl, we're back to NC. I don't care to ever see or talk to him again. I think I'm going to have to tell myself that "the man I fell for stopped existing in December....he became a scared, passive aggressive child who was unable to be honest with himself or me about his emotional state." I don't know if that will be enough to get me through. We had six months of very powerfully positive experiences together.
ReluctantRomeo Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 Hey, Sunshine, sorry to hear you're down. Originally posted by sunshinegirl COC, the "mean" things are almost all going to come from the last month we were together, when he started pulling away and didn't talk about it with me. It's all going to relate to passive-aggressive, avoidant behavior because he was never ever affirmatively "mean". Yeah, but this month is the most realistic because (a) his image was fading (b) you were actually in the same place, if I remember your story correctly. Don't forget he chased and chased you, then didn't want you once he'd got you. This is serious bastard territory IMHO. And this kind of behaviour would make him a very bad bet for a long term relationship.
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 12, 2005 Author Posted May 12, 2005 THANKS Romeo! You did remember my story correctly. "Serious bastard territory"...I love this description. Thanks for boosting my spirits a bit.
whitewhale Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 oh Romeo, I like this "bastard territory" too my ex also seems to be either commitment phobic or otherwise twisted. the type you were to theorize on - 1st too in love then out, suddenly. chased what he thought he couldn't get (older, much more independent, and as far as status goes - superior). he got me, so he withdrew coldly. the bastard. in SunshineGirl's case it may be quite the same: you were in a way unavailable. then he could live in a dream-world. i guess he can't face the real one, as far as relationships go.
ReluctantRomeo Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 Originally posted by sunshinegirl THANKS Romeo! You did remember my story correctly. My pleasure! "Serious bastard territory"...I love this description. Thanks for boosting my spirits a bit. Your guy sounds like Juliet. No good "catch" asks their loved one to burn bridges for them, only to dump them while the fires are still smouldering. Even if he had been utterly perfect in every single other way, this one con alone makes him bad relationship material. There's no getting away from how badly this reflects on him. The thoughtless and unnecessary bridge burning is either something he would have done to himself too (in which case he's rash and shortsighted) or it's something he wouldn't (in which case he treated you like crap).
whitewhale Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo No good "catch" asks their loved one to burn bridges for them, only to dump them while the fires are still smouldering. Even if he had been utterly perfect in every single other way, this one con alone makes him bad relationship material. RR, can U explain that metaphor to me? I'm afraid I'm not imaginative enough to get that. I do understand it in sense of grammar and vocab, but I can't quite get it. Maybe it's my being non-native again
ReluctantRomeo Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 Originally posted by whitewhale RR, can U explain that metaphor to me? I'm afraid I'm not imaginative enough to get that. I do understand it in sense of grammar and vocab, but I can't quite get it. Maybe it's my being non-native again No problem.... it's my pleasure to explain. Burning bridges or burning boats Means taking an irreversible step. The metaphor is a military one - a general burns the army's means of escape, so that they cannot run and must fight. While the fires are still smouldering While the action is still fresh and has only just been done. My reasoning is this: Scenario 1: they ask you to move to be with them. 6 months down the line either party decides it's not working out. Bottom line: this is a genuine mistake. Such things happen. Scenario 2: same as in scenario 1, but within the first couple of weeks. Bottom line: they are definitely unstable and probably selfish bastards too.
whitewhale Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo No problem.... it's my pleasure to explain. Means taking an irreversible step. The metaphor is a military one - a general burns the army's means of escape, so that they cannot run and must fight. While the action is still fresh and has only just been done. My reasoning is this: if they ask you to move to be with them and 6 months down the line either party decides it's not working out, then this is a genuine mistake. Such things happen. But I think this kind of behaviour is much more sinister after just a couple of weeks (the case for Sunshine and myself. Among others). thanx! burning bridges I did understand, I once asked you about it b4 , but I didn't know how to apply it with fires smouldering and all lol anyways, I do symphatize with both of you
Author sunshinegirl Posted May 12, 2005 Author Posted May 12, 2005 Thanks. So here's probably a meaningless detail in my situation...but my ex didn't ask me to move to his city. I had 3 job offers...2 overseas, 1 in "his" city which was actually "my" city b/c I had lived there before--for 8 yrs total, in fact. I made the job decision for ME but of course him being there influenced my decision. After all, he had said he'd consider moving to my city and said if I went overseas he didn't see us breaking up. But after I made the decision, and then as soon as I arrived in town, he started freaking and backing away. I guess I should have heard his support for me going to Africa or the Middle East as more signs that he likes distance, not closeness. His bastard behavior rests in the fact that he never raised the subject of our expectations or r'ship once I made this decision. And then when we broke up, he said "well, you didn't consult me on your decision to move here." What, like there was duct tape over your mouth and you couldn't sit me down for a heart-to-heart about it??? I said, "what are you talking about? You said you'd consider moving to my city...that I wasn't the only one who had to think about relocating." He said, "yes, but I guess I was thinking in a year or something..." So bastard territory still applies, I think. Right?
whitewhale Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo Scenario 2: same as in scenario 1, but within the first couple of weeks. Bottom line: they are definitely unstable and probably selfish bastards too. I need to add sth to vent my anger, that suddenly appeared now: not just unstable and selfish (I'm thinking my ex), but also immature emotionally, and canting.
ReluctantRomeo Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 Originally posted by sunshinegirl So bastard territory still applies, I think. Right? Well maybe it's not serious bastard territory anymore. Let's downgrade him to ordinary bastard Seriously, he should have said something. He may just be a spineless wussbag of course - unable to confront you with things. But otherwise, he is still a bastard for not telling you what you needed to know. Either way, what a catch
whitewhale Posted May 12, 2005 Posted May 12, 2005 Originally posted by sunshinegirl Thanks. So here's probably a meaningless detail in my situation...but my ex didn't ask me to move to his city. I had 3 job offers...2 overseas, 1 in "his" city which was actually "my" city b/c I had lived there before--for 8 yrs total, in fact. I made the job decision for ME but of course him being there influenced my decision. After all, he had said he'd consider moving to my city and said if I went overseas he didn't see us breaking up. But after I made the decision, and then as soon as I arrived in town, he started freaking and backing away. I guess I should have heard his support for me going to Africa or the Middle East as more signs that he likes distance, not closeness. His bastard behavior rests in the fact that he never raised the subject of our expectations or r'ship once I made this decision. And then when we broke up, he said "well, you didn't consult me on your decision to move here." What, like there was duct tape over your mouth and you couldn't sit me down for a heart-to-heart about it??? I said, "what are you talking about? You said you'd consider moving to my city...that I wasn't the only one who had to think about relocating." He said, "yes, but I guess I was thinking in a year or something..." So bastard territory still applies, I think. Right? right. and it reminds me of sth. my ex used to tell me that I should move away (!!), to the city I am now moving away, but of course then I didn't want to! Was I amazed at his hints... He joked once he'd come visiting me, but for a guy who runs home at 10pm because his mother told him to (23yr old) I knew this wasn't sth he believed himself.. (btw, this didn't apply to his pals - he stayed till 2 am even, if he so chose...) Moreover, next year he'll change university (again!) and profile, and that includes another city. He said: I think I won't come here more than once a month (and it's NOT far, just 2 hours by train) when I'm there. I won't feel like it." FLAGS?? He told me to move away after our first night together, which was rather unfortunately way too soon. And then a few times. And I didn't listen to what I heard. So. when he broke up he raised that question and says: either way I don't believe in long distance relationships... he was thus trying to get rid of me after just a week or two?? then why keep me on a string for as much as 10?? I'm just happy it wasn't longer...
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