So it's happened again.

[simpleguycomplicated]

This is going to be a novel, but unfortunately I haven't got the support network around me like I used to, so this site is my only medium of expression.

 

I had a long-term relationship break down over two years ago and it damn rear killed me. I learned a lot from that experience, or so I thought. I was fine doing my own thing, seeing a few women casually, we all knew the score and I liked it that way. Then I met her. She was amazing. We instantly had a mutual infatuation with each other, and found it hard with the distance between us.

 

We had a long distance relationship for the first six months. That was really hard, but I knew it would be OK once it was over and we were together permanently, for the hard yards would have already been done by that time. Wrong. I relocated to a regional area where she lives, leaving a big city with a secure job and accommodation to boot. I've been here for a year and I found it extremely difficult finding stable and suitable employment up until recently which snowballed my relapse into clinical depression. I'm not perfect, a lot of the symptoms of that and my behavior affected her immensely, I'm not proud of it and I can take accountability for it.

 

Pretty much the moment I moved in I knew something was amiss. She sheltered text messages like they were her ATM PIN numbers and was getting messages at all kinds of weird times. I knew of a guy friend of hers from her home town who despite never having met me, expressed his disdain at our relationship right from the start. I knew of him getting angry with her because she entered into a relationship with me, and numerous inappropriate text and picture messages that he persisted with.

 

Despite my knee-jerk urges to re-arrange his dental work, I tried to suppress it. I didn't want to be that guy, but there was only so much I could take. As I said, I'm not perfect and I recognise this. In one of my weaker moments around the time of the weird phone behavior, I decided to look at the content of these messages. Sure as eggs, it was him, though there were only 10 messages in the message thread, in comparison to several hundred messages in the threads of nearly every other person in her contact list. I confronted her, she looked me directly in the eye and gave me an excuse about data-usage, to which I called her on straight away and stormed out. She confessed that she lied, and deleted the messages because she was worried how I was going to react.

 

Fast forward a year of this **** persisting. At times she stopped talking to him out of fear of our relationship not working as a result of it. I never asked for that nor do I want to be the one to put her in the position of choosing between people, I just wanted a little damn respect. Through the times she wasn't responding to him, he was frantically trying to find out why (as if the ****er didn't know). Did I endorse this? No. I said either talk to him or at the very least explain why this is happening.

 

A good friend of hers who is coincidentally in a relationship with a good friend of mine, and who is also friends with this male friend of hers, after hearing the story of this decided in all of her wisdom to insert herself into the problem and arrange for them to meet up, all over my head. It came to a head that weekend, and when my (now ex) partner explained to him why his actions were causing problems in her relationship, he had the nerve to turn around and blame her for it. A fallout ensued and that was the last I really heard of it. Needless to say, I wasn't very happy about any of that, but somewhat powerless to do anything about it.

 

It's been a couple of months since all of that happened. Last weekend my partners friend decided to again insert herself into out world and tell this guy to contact her again, I suspect because of the way I responded to a question she asked me about why we don't get along. This guy has been calling her non-stop again, and the female friend has been running her mouth about me all over the immediate circle of friends and acquaintances that we both share. The anxiety and frustration of this tumultuous relationship is killing me, and that was the last straw.

 

I know, I really know that I am not perfect. I am very jumpy about these types of things after the woman I was with for 5 years and almost married cheated on me numerous times and it's something I need to address. What I also know is that I am committed, faithful, willing to turn my life upside down and willing to try and understand this **** for as long as I could. I just can't do it anymore. I can't put up with a third party having this much influence over the relationship, and I can't deal with other relationships around me suffering because of this. I know my conduct at times has been **** and reactive, but I can honestly look at myself in the mirror and say that I dealt with it the best way I knew how to.

 

I'm not as much of a mess as I was last time around, at least on the exterior. I just can't believe I let it happen all over again. I knew the signs, I'd lived them in a previous life, but I continued anyway. What the **** is wrong with me?

[Qboro90]

Sorry if I didn't catch it but are you still with your partner at the moment or did you split. There are a few times where you said you were powerless to do anything. That's not the case. I sense you fear you'll fly off the handle and make a scene of you bring it up. However this is where it's your responsibility to constantly keep your cool and have a conversation with her maturely and honestly.

 

It's ok to tell her and show her your vulnerability. Express how you uprooted your life and care about her so much to make it work. But you feel that it's been unfair to you to have to constantly have to worry about this other man friend and it's always in the back of your mind. Tell her you're not going to do anything impulsive, there will be no hard feelings, you won't blame or curse her out but you need to know once and for all the honest truth. Explain that if she was you and there was a woman contacting you the way this guy was with her what she would think? Is her relationship with him that important where you need to talk to one another so frequently?

 

Explain that you regret having a 3rd party friend get involved. It hasn't helped and is only making your concerns multiply. Do you want to be with me now and in the future or do you need time to yourself and have unfinished business or emotions you want to clear up before you can tell me for sure?

 

You deserve that and if you remain calm and don't accuse, name call, insinuate, or let your temper flare then your partner should be mature enough to give you the answers. If not and its a big to do, then you have a decision to make about if you want to continue living like this.

[Gus Grimly]

LDR are really tough because you never know what you're gonna end up with unless you've really lived and breathed the relationship. You tolerated this inappropriate behavior far longer than I would have. You gave up everything to be with this woman, but she was unwilling to do the same for you. Women with male friends to me is a no go. I'm sorry, I've been burnt by that scenario one too many times. It's never been innocent, except one time, where my Ex's male friend was gay and one of the nicest people I ever met.

 

You reacted like any other man would in the situation. I'm truly sorry other people had to put their nose where it didn't belong. Too much drama man, way too much drama.

 

he was frantically trying to find out why

This is what we in the dating world call a "Red Flag". No way, that wouldn't fly with me. Her relationship with this guy would have given me ulcers. I'd of hit the road immediately when I saw her hiding text messages. In a committed relationship, there are no secrets, there are no lies. You can't build a strong foundation when it's riddled in deception. Not gonna happen. You are far too trusting, it's commendable but can also cause you much pain in the end. It's happened to me, I had to learn the hard way, unfortunately. Don't minimize what your intuition is telling you. Most of the time it's right on the money. In a normal loving relationship, neither partner should have any sort of trust issues. If there is, then there's a problem.

 

You need to seriously examine your options as I don't think this relationship has any legs to stand on.

[simpleguycomplicated]

Qboro90, thank you for your reply. We split up last night as a result of this, I just hit the threshold with it. When I say I'm powerless, it means that I have tried having similar conversations with her, where she says it's nothing to her and she loves me and what not. I've tried being understanding, I even offered her to have him at her birthday party and not make a deal out of it after the majority of it already happened, but he wouldn't attend. I seem to be portrayed by the female friend to be this jealous and possessive freak, and I have trust issues, but I know that I am not controlling. It's like every time I express discontent with what is happening, I am going too far with it, and every time he does something ****ed up like sending pictures of his dick to her or baiting her to talk about sex then "It's just Joel being Joel". I am somewhat proud of myself for not physically reacting to this as I have a law enforcement background and have no problem handling myself. You are right on the money though, I am being reactive and just because someone else wants to act in that way doesn't mean I am justified in flying off the handle. I just can't see anything turning around for this relationship now though since the whole of our worlds are now privy to it all.

 

Thank you for talking to me, it makes me feel a little better being able to talk about it.

[simpleguycomplicated]

Gus Grimly thank you for your reply too man, and for empathising with my situation. You are dead right, you don't really know someone until you live with them and live and breathe their life too. This **** was going on before I moved in, but I only had a small idea of what it actually all was, and probably didn't read it too well as I was 600 kilometers away.

 

You are dead right about the red flags too, that's why I feel so stupid. I've lived this scenario before, for some reason I thought this one would be different. It doesn't give me much confidence at the prospect of a relationship in the future though, I don't think I could do it again.

 

I'm nowhere near perfect, I'm clinically depressed and I shut down emotionally when it becomes to hard, but I know I tried, I really did, and I was making inroads to being better for her and making our lives together happier. This situation though I feel is just so much out of my hands and control that I was left with no other option. The whole world knows a half-fabricated version of this story thanks to her female friend, and I just can't keep this up.

 

Thanks again for your response mate, I really appreciate it. It's not often you have a total stranger looking our for you when you feel that no one else will, that's why this site is so great I think.

[Qboro90]

If she's naive enough to think that dick pics and sexual innuendo text messages are just "Joel being Joel" than she's just lost touch with reality. I doubt that, she knows how innapropriate it is and there is NO way that guy would have sent those texts continuously unless he was getting something in return from her. And the fact that she fought over it and wouldn't compromise and stop it even just to ease your concern and worry says a lot about her character and what she thought of the relationship.

 

You made the right move by breaking it off. Having the respect for yourself to not put up with that kind of behavior from her is something to be proud about. Too many guys continue to stick with their girl giving them the benefit of the doubt because they want to believe that 1% chance that all the bizarre stories and explanations are true when in fact deep down we all know they're not.

 

Don't contact her and let her see your someone who doesn't forgive or forget quickly just because she texts you a few days/weeks from now saying "sorry I screwed up I miss you". You have nothing to prove, she has everything to.

[Gus Grimly]

I'm nowhere near perfect, I'm clinically depressed and I shut down emotionally when it becomes to hard, but I know I tried, I really did, and I was making inroads to being better for her and making our lives together happier. This situation though I feel is just so much out of my hands and control that I was left with no other option. The whole world knows a half-fabricated version of this story thanks to her female friend, and I just can't keep this up.

Don't beat yourself up, it takes both parties to make a relationship work. That's why true love and compassion is vital for it to sustain longevity through the "rough patches". None of us are perfect, none of us. Relationships have their peaks and valleys, but it won't work if its only one sided. It takes hard work and dedication if that doesn't exist what's the point?

 

My Ex put me through so much hell I should have my head examined. In the end, I was there trying my best to make it work. I'm only human for crying out loud, I can only take so much BS. I was the only one making the effort. It was me who had to give up everything, me who had to start a new life. She was unwilling to make any sacrifice to help resolve the issues we had, thus I was defeated and so was our union. I too suffered depression and loss of identity because of it. She laid the blame of our failed relationship solely on me because I was unwilling to make any more sacrifices. It was a quite fitting end to a horrific chapter of my life.

 

Thanks again for your response mate, I really appreciate it. It's not often you have a total stranger looking our for you when you feel that no one else will, that's why this site is so great I think.

 

No need to thank me, I appreciate it though. I'm just returning the favor. This forum and the wonderful, caring folks here have helped me tremendously. I've learned so much about myself and I feel confident that I'm not the monster my Ex made me out to be. I'm actually a pretty great guy, and I say that without ego. I see myself through your story. If I can help someone, even if it's to brighten their day, it helps me too!

 

Keep posting!!

[simpleguycomplicated]

You are right mate, thank you. I just needed to know I wasn't crazy. I don't think he would have persisted if there wasn't anything in it for him either, it's just my heart preserving what I think of her. She is a really caring person, but those kinds of things are against a core belief for me. You're right with the 1 percent too, occam's razor - the most simple explanation is usually the correct one. NC is the way to go, I agree.

 

Thanks for the correspondence mate, I really appreciate it.

[simpleguycomplicated]

Thanks mate, it's really nice to hear that too. I've loathed myself daily for years because of my depression and the impact that it has on my life and relationships, but it is what it is and I manage it the best that I can. Thank you for sharing your story too, I looked at your posts about your break up too. I'm sorry to hear that you went through all of that, and that she was so blunt and cold at the end.

 

Do you think you are equipped to improve on future relationships? I feel that I'm not sure I could ever do it again. I mean, I know that everyone experiences those, kind of like the hangover "I'm never drinking again" thing, but this time I feel I really can't.

[Gus Grimly]

Do you think you are equipped to improve on future relationships? I feel that I'm not sure I could ever do it again. I mean, I know that everyone experiences those, kind of like the hangover "I'm never drinking again" thing, but this time I feel I really can't.

Actually, my story doesn't tell all and on top of that there's a part 2 of the breakup, which was even worse.

 

You know, it's never easy facing the unknown not knowing. It can be daunting, that's for sure. The end of relationships are tragic, they can be unbearable. When you are in love with somebody you just can face the fact that "this" won't go on forever. It's very comparable to the way we feel about life, it's hard to wrap your mind around that because, in fact, it does end.

 

The relationship I was in with that toxic woman hasn't blurred my perception of what a healthy relationship could and should be. It only reinforced my belief that there is someone out there right now who's not only going to change my life for the better, but love me unconditionally, through thick and thin. Like you, I've made my fair share of mistakes and will be the first to admit them. I don't play the blame game but in my case, after all that woman put me through, I'm sure I'd receive a medal of valor for sticking it out as long as I did.

 

I do understand the "never want to drink again" analogy. It's a good way of looking at it. We put so much of ourselves into these things. We spend so much time and energy trying to maintain success, so when it all comes crashing down, starting all over again seems hopeless, just another futile endeavor. It's not. Time heals all, you eventually start enjoying a beer now and again. You might even start to enjoy taking a lovely gal you just met out for a walk in the park. Because, like it or not, life DOES goes on. The pain you feel now won't last forever. When I wrote my story I was beside myself, inconsolable, an absolute wreck. Today, I've leaped back and I'm so very grateful that I am finally rid of that "thing" from my life.

 

I have such positive hope for the future. I'm ready to move forward and never look back. I've made big changes all around and look forward to what the future brings. As far as my next relationship is concerned, I know the world is my oyster. I will take the knowledge that I've gained about my Ex, myself and everything I've learned here with me, and confidently embark on the next exciting chapter of my life.