nwhitting86 Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 I was 27 with two daughters and she was 24 with one daughter when we met. She had been dating around for a few months and i had been legally separated from my Ex-Wife for over a year. We started seeing each other, within two months we were talking every day. That turned into seeing each other every day which turned into moving into one another about 6 months after we "Officially" Started dating. Over the course of the next 2 and a half years, we became best of friends and fell in love. The Sex was the best i had, she agree'd with that statement even after we parted ways. We had alot in common and people often told us it looked like we loved each other. We spent 4-5 days out of the week together and would have one day a week we each got to have alone time. I would usually go hang out with friends and she would see her mother. We had a healthy relationship. She suffers from depression and anxiety problems, i always helped her trough them and she was always thankful. I cancelled plans to be with her, and she kinda did the same for me. We really cared for one another. We were working as a team to better our future. I was paying the bills, we had no money problems, i don't have a demanding job so i came home for lunch every day and would be home for dinner. She was using one of my vehicles to go to school, i was paying for half of her school. She was paying for food for the house, i was paying for her phone. It was costing me alot more then her but i don't mind, we had a really good thing going. Don't get me wrong, we got on each others nerves at times but that comes with a relationship. We had alot of inside jokes and games that we played around the house that were change out when they got old. We fought well considering what i have heard from other couples. We didn't name call or raise voices. We would walk away or not talk to one another for a few hours but we had a way of compromising with one another. Two weeks ago and a bit over 2 and a half years after being together, she came home from her mothers house and was very cold. It seemed like she took some anxiety meds, she walked right past me on the couch and didn't say hi. Later that night, we talked and she told me she was moving out the next day in with her mother. I was shocked. I didn't know what was going on or how to take this. I asked her why and she told me she wasn't happy here and thought i deserve better. I re-assured her that i wanted to be with her, reminding her that we had spoken about plans to get married and have children of our own. She then went on to tell me that i don't actually know her. Again i was shocked, i know her better then anyone else. We were best friends. She then tells me that she cheated on me with some nobody within the first year of our relationship(i suspected this happened as well). I was upset but i thought that was something we could work past, She came to me and it was so long ago. I am also a forgiving person. She then went on to tell me that someone she use to date on and off for 9 months had contacted her a few weeks back and she believes she is in love with him. That she loves me but think she is no longer in love with me. My previous marriage ended because my wife was cheating on me with someone, she left me and my kids for this other guy. I couldn't believe what was happening. I asked her if the guilt of her cheating was causing her to be unhappy and she very coldly replied that i give her to much credit. She went on to say that the man she wants to be with is her soulmate, that she thinks she was never "in love" with me and the timing never worked out with them too because she was either dating someone or he was getting out of a drug addiction to pain pills. ... but wait, its not over yet. She gets her things out the next day, she is acting like she is ok with what is going on. Also like she doesn't care about anything. That has always been her defense mechanism when she gets sad or emotionally overwhelmed. Usually i talk to her for a while when she is like that and she will break down. She misses a few things because she was in a rush and because they ran out of room in the moving truck. I told her i would get them too her and with the title of the car she used. I had bought myself a new car and given her the old one as a gift. I don't take gifts back So she moved back in with her mom and i was trying to wrap my head around what just happened. After a day of drinking and smoking, i woke up feeling crappy. I realized i couldn't do that to myself. I wrote a goodbye email to her and waited. I read it later that night and sent it to her. It basically said i loved her, i thought we shared great chemistry. We were planning on getting married, sorry for the things i said in the past few days, its an emotional time, and that i got pleasure from just being around her. Then i said i think it's best we don't see each other anymore and that i would drive her car up to her with her stuff in it after the title came and wished her the best. She starts texting me saying she is sad and crying. Telling me that she is sorry, she messed up and there is no turning back. She feels alone, doesn't know what is wrong with her, feels like she is really messed up or falling apart... you get the picture. I was just as bad, asking her why she couldn't come talk to me about this instead of making a huge decision. Telling her we could have tried and worked past it. I told her if the other guy wasn't in the picture we still could try to reconcile. She told me she was scared and would be so hurt if it didn't work out. This conversation turned into her saying that we should try. I asked about the other guy, she told me she would let me know how she deals with him but to let her get settled down at her moms and we will start dating exclusively again. I was fine with that. She kept telling me she was here for me, promised to open up a bit more. Told me she loved me. Then she told me that she thought i was going to leave her after she told me about her cheating on me during our first year. She convinced herself that it was to late and jumped into another relationship after he contacted her. She also said lets remain on a best friend basis for the next week or two while things settle down, asked me if i would like to come over to her mothers house to see her and she had to ask about the house rules. The next three days go on, at this point and since then i have been dealing with the breakup by staying sober, I started working out more regularly and running 5-10 miles a day. Business as usual besides that, take care of the kids and work. We were talking the whole time, she was acting very friendly and saying goodnight and good morning. The small stuff we use to do with one another. The entire time she is posting on social media that she is being taken back, or that i am talking to her. That she remembers what i told her. She is posting pic captions btw, not he own words. I also write her a hand written love lever, send it to her moms house and get a tracking number so i know it gets there. Going over the good and bad time we have had, telling her what i am sorry for, telling her i think we will make it, i support her in almost anything she would do if we were together. Reminding her that i am here for her whenever she needs me. Ofcourse it got stuck at the post office because of her address change. I checked about a week ago to see if it was delivered and they told me it would take another 14 days for the forwarding to be complete, then it would be delivered. So it's probably not gonna be there for another week. I threw the tracking number, i don't really care at this point. USPS stucks though. I was running one afternoon and she asked me how i felt. I told her i was mixed up about everything going on. I asked her what is going on with the other man. She then told me she loves me but isn't in love with me... that old saying. She wanted to have a romantic relationship with the other guy and wanted to remain my best friend. I asked if she was dating him and she said i guess. I didn't respond for hours, i eventually told her that i can't be just friends, i will always want more. I told her to not contact me, take care of herself and think things over. I would bring her car by with the title and a few boxes that she had picked through and left. That if she wanted to be with me and only me, let me know. If i don't hear back from her, best of luck and that i am deleting her number. She asked me not to delete her number, at the same time she was posting on social media a bunch of crying women, one saying please don't leave me, breakup /makeup things, sad things in general. Then she got very angry with me. Telling me she wanted her things back now. I told her i would get them to her when the title came and to stop contacting me. This went on for a bit and she eventually became cold and very matter of fact. Saying things that made it sound she was looking for immediate closure of the relationship. I noticed a few days later that she still had me as her BF on facebook, and a mutual friend told me she keeps activating and deactivating her account. Now i haven't spoken with her in 2 weeks and i believe she is dating the other guy. Not sure though because i haven't been checking up on her. I have no intentions of ever contacting her again and if she contacts me i would have to think really hard and take time to think about what i wanted. Anyone have an opinion besides the typical "screw her" or move on and take care of yourself. I am doing that very well, would like an outsiders opinion though. She seemed very confused during that entire time. A mutual friend of ours (Me and her) told me she seems to change her mind about what she wants way to much and is talking the other man up. I am not sure what to make of it though. I read somewhere that it takes a dumper about 2-3 months to process the breakup or 6-9 months if they rebound. Am i alone in saying that the relationship with the other man is a rebound? Is she going to have second thoughts later down the road? Everyone that knew us and her tells me forget about it, move on, and that she will contact me eventually. A good friend of hers reached out to me, was telling me it's a money back guarantee that she will contact me again. It was all very confusing at first but i learned the best thing is to move on. I can't help but feel even if she wanted to reconcile, she wouldn't contact be because she thought i deserved better or she keeps me away to protect me from her. I have heard her say that before about other friends. Again, i am getting over it. I am not waiting for her, i have no intentions of contacting her if she doesn't initiate it. If she does, i will tell her that i need to think if i still want the relationship and take a substantial amount of time to think. Last time this happened i took 12 to 18 months to myself to fully heal before i make myself available again and to be there for my kids. I will probably do the same. Would love to hear your thoughts. I'm trying to understand what happened, i think it would help me with eventual closure. I realize it will take more time. Still waiting for my replacement title in the mail to drive the 40 minutes and drop it off. I am going to do the best i can not to be seen because i don't want to deal with it at this point. I lost some weight since we have seen each other and shaved my beard so i may not be recognizable but don't want to risk anything.
Gus Grimly Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Anyone have an opinion besides the typical "screw her" or move on and take care of yourself. That's pretty solid advice right there. Man I'm so sorry this happend. I know you must be devastated, I would be. Ugh!! :( I'm still shocked you gave her a car. Screw that man. WTF is wrong with you? She CHEATED on you, who knows how many times. Look, my friend. Once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater. The best prognosticator of future behavior is past relevant behavior. Don't give her the car, she doesn't deserve it. She betrayed and lied to you for years. In my book, that doesn't deserve a reward or pity. She dumped you for her "Soul Mate"? PU LEAZE!!! Awe, nu .. nu uh! No way. You gotta stand up for yourself, don't let this liar and cheat walk all over you. The moment she told you it was over and she was leaving was the moment NC should have been inititaed. Trash bag the rest of her junk and leave it on the porch, send her a text telling her it's out there. You're done. No this relationship she is in is not a rebound. She dumped you for another guy. Take as long as you need to heal and get over this thing. Oh an another thing, stop getting involved with bat s*** crazy women!!
Author nwhitting86 Posted August 27, 2015 Author Posted August 27, 2015 I realize that is solid advice, that is what i am doing. I don't think about her that much anymore, i don't visit her social media pages. I packed all her stuff up in the car. I am starting to feel really good about myself, i dropped about 8-10 lbs in two weeks without changing my diet, all from running. I've been getting out with my friends again, life is going good for me. Also school just started so i am very busy. I just need help wraping my head around all of this, trying to get help with closure from the situation. I guess i just have bad luck. I was good friends with my wife and met my last GF through some Friends. I gave the car to her a year ago, i am not going to take it back. If i didn't procrastinate so much i would have already given her the title. And i am not the kind of person to throw the stuff on the front yard. She has always been honest with me when she talks to me. What she did was hide the truth which is just about as bad. Still, i believe her when she said it was one time. The man she is going with, it's not going to last. Her friends are already taking bets. Its either GIGs or she set up a rebound dude to be there when she left me. 1
Gus Grimly Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 (edited) The man she is going with, it's not going to last. Her friends are already taking bets. Its either GIGs or she set up a rebound dude to be there when she left me. You seem like a very kind and understanding man. I can appreciate the difficult position that you're in. The thing that you have to realize is that this woman lied to you for over a year. GIGS is BS, don't read into any of that. It's obvious you're dealing with an emotionally immature woman. You need to look to your standards. You were very kind and generous to this woman who selfishly only thinks about her own needs. She someone who doesn't want to deal with her own feelings so the thought of dealing with yours after dropping the bomb becomes repulsive. So she goes 'cold' in a lame attempt to minimize her part and remove herself from the situation emotionally. It's a cowards way out. It's not your job to look after her welfare, to pay her phone bills and tuition. Until there's a ring on that finger, you owe her nothing. She accepted the gift under false pretenses. To me, that cancels out any sort of promise you made to her. Obviously, you have morals and that's to be commended. If someone were to cheat on me then dump me for another man, you can be sure the gravy train would be cut immediately. Where I'm from, cheating is unacceptable and unforgivable. You wanna cheat then end the relationship, cross the street and look elsewhere, I have no time for selfish liars. I apologize for my aggressive tone, I'm usually more reserved, but I hate to see good people get screwed over. It's good you've been working on yourself and that you are making the best of a bad situation. The one thing you won't get from this is closure. Only you have the ability to find it within yourself. Forget what your friends have said. You want NOTHING to do with this person, she's bad news. You must go Full media blackout. Phone, Social Media, E-mail etc. Don't give her an opening to throw breadcrumbs. She will definitely come crawling back once the novelty wears off with Prince Charming. Be a friend to yourself, find a partner who values you and respects you. You deserve so much better in this life. .... she came home from her mothers house and was very cold. It seemed like she took some anxiety meds, she walked right past me on the couch and didn't say hi You can be certain she wasn't at her mother's, she was with 'him'. Edited August 27, 2015 by Gus Grimly
Author nwhitting86 Posted August 28, 2015 Author Posted August 28, 2015 I realize she is immature. This is the first serious relationship she has had. I have no intention on talking to her again. Yea, she did take the cowards way out. I've been going from sad to angry about the way she handled the situation. I'm a man of my word, i'm gonna drop the stuff off in a few weeks, once I have everything in order and then I feel like I can completely walk away from the situation. Just to me clear, most if my friends say I shouldn't get back together with her. Even the people that say "just do what you feel is right" don't really like the idea. I'm done with her though, she needs to grow up. People are just warning me that the relationship she is in now won't past over a year, or 6 months for that matter and to be ready when she tries to talk to me again or reconcile. I have no contact with her on social media anymore. No contact with her at all. Thanks for the input Gus.
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