am i doing the right thing?

[parishes]

Me and my SO are both 21, and we were dating for about 6 months, and 4 months LDR. We were both in love and did whatever we could to make it work, and had high hopes that we could make it through this LDR until the SO gets back from the army. We trusted each other with everything and were never jealous of anyone else in our life hitting on us because we would always joke about it, but there was one person that I always got mad about - her ex because they dated 1.5 years and he treated my SO very badly.

 

Before my SO left, the SO left me all their log in account info to pay bills and etc so the SO trusted me not to go through their stuff. Our only form of contact the first two months were through writing letters. Here's where I ****ed up, around the 2nd month, I went through the SO fb just out of curiosity and looked through some pictures, saw some pictures of the ex so I confronted the SO on the phone crying and the SO said to delete the pictures because it doesn't mean anything anymore. Next day, got a letter saying don't delete anything, the SO was mad at me, another letter came, saying that it's ok, you broke my trust a little bit but we can make it through this. But it was too late because I couldn't retrieve the album and has already deleted it. The next month, I was a mess and sent letters telling the SO everything that I did with the log in info, and sent a list of all of my log in info as well.

 

We were fine the next 2 months with regular facetiming or calling until after July 4th, the SO went distant for 3 weeks. I confronted the SO on why I was being ignored on the 2nd week, and I know that the stress is building up with what they're doing (high stress environment), that I will always be there for support. The SO barely gave me any reply, and next week just broke up with me because I just couldn't be trusted anymore. It just really confused me as the SO said they forgave me at first and then months later, just said it out of nowhere. Like, how was I supposed to know about the problems that is going on inside the SO head? I'm not a mind reader. The SO said the same vague break up lines that you can find on the internet, that "I love you, but i'm in love with you anymore" and "we should just be friends". Yeah, I'm not gonna lie, I begged and was desperate the first day but after that, stopped initiating contacts. The SO said that there is no one else, and they would never have a sexual/romantic relationship in the army because that is forbidden.

 

Next week, the SO was sending breadcrumbs, and saying "be my friend, just trust me" but I just said "we will talk when you get back". Aug 4th, I sent a funny video to the ex, and then we resumed contacts, and the SO said they kissed another person because the SO was angry, was "talking" to two guys, and had feelings for another girl. SO replied that she never thought she could hurt someone (the SO was the most selfless person that i've ever met), but just overall, feels like "i don't give a **** anymore". Was confused because the next few days, said on her blog that she "had feelings for another girl again". Fast forward to 2 days before the SO was about to come back, had a phone call and said she felt strongly that there was no need to have any kind of conversation about the break up or what happened, but was ok with being friends RIGHT away. I told her several times that I need time to emotionally heal, and I wanted to be friends with her but not at the moment, but she didn't understand why I needed time apart because when we hang out, we can just "instantly" push our feelings away. That when she gets back, she wants to show me "the art of picking up girls number" at clubs, and still has that IDGAF mentality. Oh and "if you were to tell me that you were going to cheat/have a threesome, and then went on to do it, I would've been totally fine with it". Um... How do you get from breaking trust/deleting a fb album to cheating/having a threesome.

 

Fast forward, she got home last week, and been sending me breadcrumbs ever since but I've been ignoring. Just on Monday, she got really mad that I kept ignoring her so sent me a bunch of angry texts to pick up the ****ing phone, wanted to talk out of nowhere when she didn't before, and I told the ex that you didn't want to have any conversation before, and that I knew that we weren't going to get back together so I respected her wishes and told her to respect my space, and I couldn't be friends at the moment. So the ex pleaded out of nowhere and sent erratic texts that we have to talk and it was important, but I just said don't contact me anymore and I will have a friend exchange our stuff. Next two days, the ex first forgot my things on purpose, and said she will give it to me the next time she sees me, she said to my friend. So my friend had to withhold her stuff and they met again just yesterday and finally exchanged everything. The ex texted all my friends asking what is going on with me, but they have been very vague.

 

So the point is this, the times after the breakup when the was in the army, I never initiated contact, and used that NC to heal and think about my actions. Believe me, I was a complete emotional mess the first month but over time, it got better with the help of my friend. When me and my ex first met, my ex told me that everyone always leave or "everyone is temporary" because people step all over her due to her kindness and trusting nature. I believed that and taught the ex to step up for herself. But after the breakup, everyone is temporary or have all temporary in the ex life because they chose to have that. It's just after the breakup, I just realized that if the ex compared me to her last two ex, who broke up with her to pursue someone else, it didn't feel right because I was and still am 100% faithful. I realized that we were both too emotionally dependent on each other but we never had big fights, just worked through the smaller ones. That I had heavy insecurity/trust issues, and used that time of NC to work on it (still a work in progress). I know it's immature and selfish but I had one of my friend stop talking to her because I didn't want her to know anything about my life as I had stopped ALL social media after the break up. It was just after the texts convo telling her not to contact me anymore last monday, I started crying out of nowhere (weird since I haven't cried in weeks), deleted SO out of all social media, went strict NC since 2 days ago. But I'm really wondering if that was a good decision because all my friends wants to see me AT REST as I have been saying the most crazy theory for why this happened or etc, and that I have no proof that this is how she's feeling, that the only way to stop this overthinking is to talk to her. But from reading stuff on this forum, it says that talking to your ex the "last time" is not a good idea and well hit you even harder. My friends says to stop holding onto grudges, be positive, and say what needed to be said when we meet in real life. The thing though is, I still have feelings for her but I know we won't get back together because her personality did a complete 180, and she has went through a major life changes (army). All I want is for to end things on a positive note but will it? I texted her "I'm ready to talk" last night, and she's probably still sleeping, but I'm wondering, was it a really good move since we haven't done NC for that long? This is the 2nd time since the break up that I have initiated contact. My ex knows NOTHING about what's going on with my life at all as I had stopped everything on social media. We are both gay, each others first love even though ex has dated guys before but said this is the first time she felt "free" since dating a girl. I don't know if the ex will want to talk or not again after me sending that text. I just feel so emotionally vulnerable, but know my worth that I deserve so much better than a 5:30am break up text on a monday, and someone who doesn't break up with me for deleting a fb album. Plus, it was a big deal that I wanted to talk it out because my conflict style is to boil everything up whereas the ex likes to talk things out. Is it a right move to talk? I just want to be at rest with this and stop spouting crazy theories but worried that more harm will come out of it.

[mightycpa]

because I was and still am 100% faithful.

No you weren't. You were trusted with confidential information, you snooped, you got angry as if you'd done nothing wrong when this chick is busy with the hell that is military service. Stick with your no contact plan, and go find someone else to be with.

[Gus Grimly]

I was in the army and it can have an effect on people, physically and emotionally, so it shouldn't be disregarded completely. But that's beside the point. The main consideration here is that at the ripe old age of 21 you both are far too emotionally insecure and immature. When I was 21 I had no idea what a true romantic relationship was about. I thought I was in one at the time, looking back now I can see it was more playing house than anything.

 

You both need a lot of growing up to do. I'm not trying to minimize or devalue your concerns or feelings but, the things you are so concerned about are rather trivial in the grand scheme of things. I understand you are in a fragile state, but you gotta see that this relationship is going nowhere. She acts like a teenager and you overreact to her behavior. Not a good combo.

 

These things rarely end on a positive note, you are expecting too much out your Ex. So no, to answer your question. No more talking, texting, FB messaging NOTHING. Stop with the conspiracy theories, trying to figure your Ex out and her intentions towards you, it gets you nowhere. It won't grant you clarity and hinders your healing. Nothing she can say will give you the closure you seek as the only one who can give it is .... you.

 

You are young, have your whole life ahead of you. You're allowing your Ex to stunt your growth. Go NC and move on with your life and be happy.