He asks you up to his place?

[Girlwithquestions]

If you meet a guy you're dating and he takes you out etc, does it make him a bad guy/red flag/guy to avoid if he asks you up to his place after the first date or if he keeps the conversation sexual/sexual joking etc? Some girls I know always say, guys will always push their boundaries and want it, but do you automatically rule out guys for that kinda behavior? Or is it something normal and you just say no if you aren't comfortable and carry on dating him? Is that a major red flag or just normal guy behavior from someone who's attracted to you?

[scooby-philly]

Hey OP,

 

Your name says it all - you have questions. I'm a guy. I like sex as much as the next guy. But I'm not the initiator. I've had sex with 6 women. With two of those and one other person I saw but didn't have sex with, the women initiated sex or kissing at various points. One kept me waiting 10-12 dates. Anymore and I would have wondered what was going on because I'm a pretty affectionate, touch based person.

 

If you felt uncomfortable with it then own your feeling. I mean, I'm the type of guy who would drop a woman off at her place. Unless you happened to be near his place on the date then he should have been more focused on being chivalrous instead of being horny. I mean, even for someone like me that enjoys sex and wants to make my partner feel good and enjoys touch, I would not ask a woman back to my place after the first date. Even if you've known the guy for years as friends or co-workers, it's way too early to get physical. I've done 1 one night stand and tried to make it work after that, it wasn't pretty.

 

Don't discount your spidey-sense and understand there's a difference between a connection that sparks intimacy and just wanting a physical release.

[angel.eyes]

Short answer: It depends. What are you looking for?

 

For me, I'm not looking for a hookup. So if a guy were to spend the first date being sexual or engaged in sexual banter, rather than focused on getting to know me, there won't be a second date, and I won't be open to extending the first date.

 

Engaging in sexual banter from the outset has nothing to do with how attracted the guy is to you. It typically has more to do with how he perceives you, what he thinks you might be willing to do, and how quickly things can progress.

[Empyrea]

Hey OP,

 

Your name says it all - you have questions. I'm a guy. I like sex as much as the next guy. But I'm not the initiator. I've had sex with 6 women. With two of those and one other person I saw but didn't have sex with, the women initiated sex or kissing at various points. One kept me waiting 10-12 dates. Anymore and I would have wondered what was going on because I'm a pretty affectionate, touch based person.

 

If you felt uncomfortable with it then own your feeling. I mean, I'm the type of guy who would drop a woman off at her place. Unless you happened to be near his place on the date then he should have been more focused on being chivalrous instead of being horny. I mean, even for someone like me that enjoys sex and wants to make my partner feel good and enjoys touch, I would not ask a woman back to my place after the first date. Even if you've known the guy for years as friends or co-workers, it's way too early to get physical. I've done 1 one night stand and tried to make it work after that, it wasn't pretty.

 

Don't discount your spidey-sense and understand there's a difference between a connection that sparks intimacy and just wanting a physical release.

 

Hmm I'm curious, how does that work? So you always wait for the ladies to initiate sex? Does that mean that they also have to set the scene - invite you over or invite themselves over to your place? Or do you still invite them over but wait for them to physically make a move?

 

I'm curious, because I've been on 8 dates with a guy and I keep waiting for HIM to initiate.. because we always go out on activity dates and he hasn't invited me over and I don't live alone to invite him over and would feel weird about inviting myself over to his place.. Not to hijack this thread at all, but can you give me a hint as to how I should go about this assuming he's also like you. Becuase I'm sure he's attracted to me, I can't imagine what's taking him so long. I initiated our first kiss also..

 

OP, I don't think it's necessarily a red flag, a lot of guys try to impress with a homecooked meal for example. Just see how he acts on this date and if he respects your boundaries. I would perhaps suggest not sleeping with him until, say, the 4th date? if you're serious about him. I know some guys who only look for casual hook ups and they will wine and dine a girl for 3 dates and expect for her to put out and if she doesn't, they move on to the next one. Not to say you'll be safe after the 4th, but at least it should give you a better idea of his intentions.

[Versacehottie]

If you meet a guy you're dating and he takes you out etc, does it make him a bad guy/red flag/guy to avoid if he asks you up to his place after the first date or if he keeps the conversation sexual/sexual joking etc? Some girls I know always say, guys will always push their boundaries and want it, but do you automatically rule out guys for that kinda behavior? Or is it something normal and you just say no if you aren't comfortable and carry on dating him? Is that a major red flag or just normal guy behavior from someone who's attracted to you?

 

Personally, no most guys I wouldn't rule out. I think it is common enough for them to ask and try to push the boundaries. With a lot of guys, that is how they find out about you (seeing how easily you give in, if you have standards, if you are prudish). So I think a lot of time they are hoping possibly but they like it when you say no (provided you are not a tease--ie say no with your clothes on or when you are just discussing). However, they are testing the prude part too so you want to say no in light, funny way that says you have boundaries but like sex etc with someone you are more serious with. A few guys do it in a crude, leechy way and yeah that's a red flag totally. If it's playful that can be ok, just use your spidey sense as was suggested. Also once you bat down the suggestion, they should be fine changing the subject or show more respect. If the persist with unwanted or unnecessary sexual innuendos afterward, yes that's a red flag! To answer your question, it's a yellow light. Interpret and proceed with caution.

 

If it makes you uncomfortable, no need to play the game. Tell him it makes you uncomfortable and see what he does next. Don't keep dating him if it makes you uncomfortable, what's the point of that??

 

I will just say a little p.s. that guys with the best intentions don't usually say sexual innuendos and ones that do are risking that you might not react well to them so that should tell you something about their intentions (possibly not great) or judgement (possibly not great) or both. Also they shouldn't be saying these things out of the blue (that would be a red flag to me!). More likely to come up if the date has a playful vibe and is going well--it's normal-ish that they would try to escalate it due to those factors. Hope this helps!

[d0nnivain]

I'm a woman.

 

I never was bothered by the Q. I was bothered by the refusal to take No Thank you for an answer.

 

My usual response was "thanks for the invite but I'd rather keep our dates in more public places for now." Heck, I usually met the guy at the date location for the 1st 3-4 dates. While I was willing to talk about what towns we lived & worked in, I might let him pick me up a work but it was usually a long while before I would consider private locations.

[Girlwithquestions]

Super helpful replies. Just curious because I used to date guy who kinda turned out to be a commitment phobe jerk in the end. On one of our very first early dates(I had to pick him up for some long reason), anyway he asked me up to his room in a very sly way. "I brought you something from my trip, why don't you just come up and get it." It made me uncomfortable and I just said no it's getting late, why don't you just bring it down. He did and that was that. And he changed the subject and ignored and we dated for 4 more months. But in the end, he turned out to be a lying jerk who pushed for sex later. At the time, I was annoyed but my friends just said its normal for a guy to ask.

 

So I'm just wondering if I missed a big red flag and that should have been an instant giveaway to how his character was. Maybe I could have spared myself a heartbreak?

 

Lately it seems like the game has changed so much because I reallllllly don't give off an easy girl vibe at all, I'm fairly conservative. But I feel like any guy I meet lately, even knowing I'm conservative, they play with sexual innuendos and sexualize the convo fast. is this just the nature of the dating game now?

[Empyrea]

In response to the sexual innuendo, I think it depends on how you respond to it. For example, I'm quite flirty and playful in my interactions, so I almost expect it and always play along (unless it's out of line or rude or disrespectful of course) and I would even go so far as to say that if there is none of that, I start to wonder if he's even attracted to me at all. So to me it's a natural part of building sexual tension. However, if a girl were to not play along or respond well, but instead feel uncomfortable with it and the guy still kept at it, THEN I'd say it's a big red flag. He should be able to read your comfort level or if you've been polite and he might not have caught on, then just tell him you find that kind of talk a bit lewd. He should respect your boundaries!

[Versacehottie]

well it sounds like you handled it fine. That one small incident wouldn't have explained his whole character (jerk) or other things that went on in the relationship to cause it to not be a successful one. It can be kind of normal and I would say this guy was testing you to see your boundaries. You handled it well as far as showing him your boundaries and sticking to them. If the question offended you and you answered in an uptight way and continue to see him, there was probably a disconnect between you two in terms of compatibility and conservativeness that you ignored but it probably wasn't the only problem.

 

Jerks can still have good judgement and when they push with sexual innuendos they can be smart enough to drop it like he did so they can still pursue the relationship. There were probably other things along the way where he tried to be disrespectful or push boundaries that may not have had anything to do with sex but rather to see how much he could get away with. You want to be careful to not put all the emphasis on what happens sex wise or not. If he was pushing boundaries and mistreating you in other jerky ways along the 4 month period, you still need to assert boundaries so he can see you have self-respect. I would say that was a yellow flag--not the be all, end all. It just sounds like it wasn't a good relationship.

 

Big point is that you will throughout any relationship consistently be showing people how to treat you. It doesn't boil down to one tiny moment or subject (sex). Relationship are not set and final from the first date--they keep evolving.

[stillafool]

 

So I'm just wondering if I missed a big red flag and that should have been an instant giveaway to how his character was. Maybe I could have spared myself a heartbreak?

 

?

 

What difference does it make at this point if you feel you missed a big red flag? The point is you didn't fall for it, you didn't have sex with him. Guys like sex and will push for it in one way or another. It is up to the woman as to whether or not she will give in and want it to. This isn't something new. Men have pretty much always been that way however now women want sex also and men are finding it really easy to get sex nowadays with no commitment.

[Qboro90]

A lot of times guys will push the envelope to see how much they can get away with and how much you'll let slide. Especially with sexual innuendo. A little banter back and forth is fine and fun/playful. If you feel like it's getting too much then it's up to you to put the guy in his place. Thats where you can establish the boundary and respect for yourself. Guys who continuously bring the convo towards sex should make you a bit wary but it's not a general red flag in my mind. Just a guy being a guy so that's when you need to end it when you're done being playful or want to move on.

[Redhead14]

If you meet a guy you're dating and he takes you out etc, does it make him a bad guy/red flag/guy to avoid if he asks you up to his place after the first date or if he keeps the conversation sexual/sexual joking etc? Some girls I know always say, guys will always push their boundaries and want it, but do you automatically rule out guys for that kinda behavior? Or is it something normal and you just say no if you aren't comfortable and carry on dating him? Is that a major red flag or just normal guy behavior from someone who's attracted to you?

 

"Normal" guy behavior usually doesn't make a woman uncomfortable. It's when the guy is over the top with it that makes her think about it.

 

If a guy was over the top, but I still kinda liked him, I simply wouldn't go back to his place if I didn't want to have sex or be put in that position. And, then I would continue to observe how he dates me. If he dates me "properly" and I feel comfortable enough that he doesn't just want to have sex with me, at some point, I will go home with him. And, even after that, I continue to observe.

 

Rule of thumb for a guy should be, keep that kind of behavior to a minimum and don't ask her back to your place for a little while.