I want the girl I dated back after hiatus

[Wales_Uk]

Good afternoon, nice to find a place like this I can put my thoughts in to words and hope for some clarity.

 

My situation is quite simple really. Last May I went on 3 dates with a girl. They were really nice dates, we got on well and I did find her very attractive but we never really got intimate.

I had kissed her on a night out a few years prior to this but it was a drunken night.

 

At the same time I was dating her I got talking to another girl and hit it off with her. This was a girl I had fancied for a long time and she basically offered it me on a plate.

 

I knew there and then this girl was bad news but stupidly I went along with the idea of her and cut off the girl I went on 3 dates with. An absolute fool I was.

 

Unsuprisingly, it didnt work out with this girl that I knew was wrong and it was over by Christmas, which was when I bumped in to this girl again at a local store. We chatted and it was friendly enough, I had butterflies just being near her again and couldnt believe how stupid I had been.

 

Later that day I text saying it was nice to see her and asked if she wanted to come out for a drink, she said no as she was seeing someone. I respected that but kicked myself so hard that I'd messed up like this.

 

Over the last few months now and again we would text each other just saying hey, and all that, nothing too deep but just have chats. Id jokingly ask pretty much every week if she was single yet and she always replied no.

 

The past month they have broken up, I was delighted to hear it, I recently asked her out again but she said no, she said she had finished with men now and not only that she wouldnt be 2nd best to anyone, I had my chance but didnt want her. she then dropped the bombshell that she was really starting to like me, thought i was one of the most good looking and sweetest guys she had ever been with and couldnt believe her luck at the time.

 

I have tried explaining to her a lot of times that I do really like her and apologised for what happened and that I swear she should give me a chance to prove her wrong but theres no give in her.

 

I can 100% see what she means and its clear she has a lot of respect for herself which I admire. I've been such a jerk in all this and know im to blame.

 

I guess there is no answer other than to suck it up and put it down to experience but has anyone else been in a similar position and managed to get back onside?

 

Thanks

[ivionthenet]

I actually find you story very cute:-) How old are you btw?

 

I think you shouldn't give up on her. She clearly liked you and I think if you worked super super super hard and did everything on her terms you have a chance to get her back.

 

That means tonnes of respect, and non-pushy persuasion, so she knows that you like her but never make her feel pressured.

 

As a woman is it very risky to give a guy second chance, and judging by your thread you really think you made a mistake. She doesn't know this, and nothing you can say to her will convince her. So it is only your actions of gently but consistently pursuing her without making her feel uncomfortable that will make her believe that you really mean it. This will take time.

 

Give it a shot. Are you guys chatting? Is there a way to actually see her at some stage? Is there any non-date sounding thing you can come up with?

[Wales_Uk]

I actually find you story very cute:-) How old are you btw?

 

I think you shouldn't give up on her. She clearly liked you and I think if you worked super super super hard and did everything on her terms you have a chance to get her back.

 

That means tonnes of respect, and non-pushy persuasion, so she knows that you like her but never make her feel pressured.

 

As a woman is it very risky to give a guy second chance, and judging by your thread you really think you made a mistake. She doesn't know this, and nothing you can say to her will convince her. So it is only your actions of gently but consistently pursuing her without making her feel uncomfortable that will make her believe that you really mean it. This will take time.

 

Give it a shot. Are you guys chatting? Is there a way to actually see her at some stage? Is there any non-date sounding thing you can come up with?

 

Thank you. Im am 33 and she is 26/27.

 

She was only with her ex for about 6 months, im not quite sure what happened or why they broke up.

 

Yes we do chat now and again through text, she lives about 12 miles away so we dont see each other much at all which is a shame as theres only so much you can do over text.

 

If I were in her shoes I'd probably be like her too, Id think I was second best, even though she wasnt at all.

[Toodaloo]

You ring her up out of the blue, while completely sober, or better still drive the poxy 12 miles to where she is and you say something along the lines of...

 

I made a massive mistake. I have been kicking myself since. I have learnt my lesson the very hard way and while I am bound to make mistakes again I shall never again be so stupid. I should have waited for you. I should have romanced you. You were number one back then and you are number one today. I just didn't think I would ever be able to have you as my own, that I would not be good enough for you so I settled for second best instead. Can you forgive a fool who has pulled his socks up and allow him to take you out on a date? Can you let me keep you as my number one instead of making me settle for second best all over again?

 

If she says yes great - make you you have some ideas for a great date.

 

If she says no - just say that you had to try one last time. Then leave her alone. No texts, no phone calls, no more asking her out. Leave her be.

 

Good Luck.

[Versacehottie]

Ohhh, I like your story too. Have you told her that things were already farther along with the other girl and that's why you "chose" her? Ivionthenet's suggestions were great. I think you consistently need to keep chipping away at her objections. Kindly and show her you are a good guy who really likes her and that she was never second best it was just bad timing. Try to do some hanging out (long talks in pubs sounds fun) where you are not friend zone but not pushing for romance. Get it? You need to get her falling in love. So don't say let's hang out as friends, just ask if she wants to meet up doing something friends would do but there make sure you connect as much as you can. Shoot, I'm not explaining it well!!! Watch a bunch of romantic comedies first so you can get the idea. There are lots where the romantic connotation of the relationship is suspended for one reason or another but they build a connection and since the original attraction or sexual tension was there in the end they fall in love. Sounds crazy but mirrors what happens in real life. It's the quickest teaching guide I can recommend. Can anyone recommend some good ones to him? Two off the top of my head which may not be the best ones for your exact situation but hopefully you can distill the vibe that I'm talking about are:

 

*how to lose a guy in 10 days

*leap year (which is where I was thinking about pubs! I do realize you are Wales and that's Ireland and there's a difference!)

 

Anyway, consistent contact, not pushy, always sweet and always connecting. If you work on being a great best friend to her without calling it that or putting yourself in the friendzone, you should be good if she still has feelings for you. People can only hold out for so long. I know plenty of examples where exactly this has worked.

[Wales_Uk]

Thanks for your advice everyone.

 

Unfortunately I've tried a few of the suggestions, ive asked her just for a walk which shes declined quite a few times.

 

I do get the feeling she wants to, just my past actions have ruined it. Ive apologised as much as I can and asked if I can prove it to her one more time, her response "I gave you a chance to prove yourself and you blew it. You had your chance"

 

A battle im not going to win.

[Almond_Joy]

If you've asked her several times already and she's saying no. Maybe stop asking for a while and settle for being her friend?

 

This is an awkward position because even though she likes you, there's no telling when she'll decide to give you another shot or what action on your part will convince her you're serious.

 

So if politely explaining and asking several times isn't working I can only think of two other approaches....

 

Excessive overtures to show how you feel - poems, crazy romantic date ideas, song tributes....like romantic movie status kind of stuff. Depends on the woman but some eat that stuff up and take that to mean you're serious. From what you've shared of her here, it seems like she would NOT respond well to this. It would just make her uncomfortable.

 

So the other approach would be to back off and wait for a while, while making it a point to keep her in your life. Explain (again?) that you think she's great and the only woman you're interested in being with. You don't want to be with anyone else, so if she doesn't want to date you for now you are content with spending your time and energy talking to her and getting to know her instead of finding someone new to date that you likely won't be interested in the way you are interested in her.

 

That will give her the window to keep talking with you and work on breaking down this wall she's put up between you two. Give yourself a set amount of time that you're willing to do this, if you are. When your waiting time's up, ask her how she feels about dating you at that time. If she still says no....you have to decide if you want to keep waiting or let her go. At this point it's not what you've done, it's her refusal to move past it.

 

I hope she decides to give this another shot,it sounds like you both really like each other.

[Wales_Uk]

yes im 100% not going down any romantic movie road or watching them, they arent a true reflection of real life and always end happy.

Maybe I should watch 500 days of summer

 

I think it might be the giving it time option but I cant wait around forever for something that might not happen no matter how much I like her.

[Almond_Joy]

Yeah of course that's not fair to you to wait around for an indefinite amount of time. I mean you've given her some time but give her a little more....however long you know you're willing to wait before you're done.

[Toodaloo]

yes im 100% not going down any romantic movie road or watching them, they arent a true reflection of real life and always end happy.

Maybe I should watch 500 days of summer

 

I think it might be the giving it time option but I cant wait around forever for something that might not happen no matter how much I like her.

 

Well if you are not going to lay it out on the table one last time there is sod all you can do other than to protect your heart and move on. To do this stop answering her calls and texts. Just ignore and move on.

 

Give yourself time to get over her and stay away from the bait.

 

If your into smush try the Notebook...

[Versacehottie]

yes im 100% not going down any romantic movie road or watching them, they arent a true reflection of real life and always end happy.

Maybe I should watch 500 days of summer

 

I think it might be the giving it time option but I cant wait around forever for something that might not happen no matter how much I like her.

 

oh god, you two obviously haven't seen the movies i suggested or don't get the nature of what I was saying. I did not advise anything over the top, highly romantic. I'm against that! In the movies because of other circumstances, they were forced to create a deep, friendship connection which then led to a romantic connection on both sides. Of course, at end of movie, like most movies there is a big over the top go get her thing AT THE END but that's because they already are in love. I was advising you to do those sorts of things that would lead to that point, such as pubs, walks, motorcycle or bike rides, road trips. Things were there are long conversations and sexual tension but you are as friends. You need to create a deep connection that she won't be able to resist without pushing your own dating agenda now. Make more sense? This is what I said: Try to do some hanging out (long talks in pubs sounds fun) where you are not friend zone but not pushing for romance. Get it? You need to get her falling in love. So don't say let's hang out as friends, just ask if she wants to meet up doing something friends would do but there make sure you connect as much as you can.

 

I thought I was pretty clear but apparently it went over your heads. It wasn't to do the "plan" they do in the movie. It was to learn how to spend time with her in a situation where you are not dating that can create a deeper connection, which is what you need to know, right? Most romantic comedies are not real stories of course, but the behavior depicted in them is the same that plays out in everyday life, story after story. Minus the over the top run to the airport at the end!! LOL, but even one of my guy friends did that before in pursuit of the girl who is now his wife so never say never. But I'm not advising the over the top gesture at all--no poems, no declarations. If that's what I believe you should do, I could have much said do that much easier than trying to explain that you should be finding ways to make a connection with her.

 

If she won't even see you, uhhhhh that's not good. Are you sure there is still a chance or are you just latching onto the part where she admitted she was really falling for you before right before you dumped her? If you think there's really a chance, you will just have to be a friend from a distance and see if you can spend any time with her in the future. Keep in touch phone and text, online in future without overdoing it or being clingy if that's the only avenue you have.

[Wales_Uk]

Hi everyone, just an update, and its not good.

 

Since I posted this weve been in contact a bit, ive initiated, shes initiated but still she wouldnt budge on meeting up, she kept saying there was no chance.

 

I started to give up hope.

 

Last week she went on holiday to Florida, we were texting and she said she would text me when she got there, which she did. Since then weve been in touch a lot, shes sent snapchats of universal studios to me, all my favourite films there, Jurassic Park, Spiderman etc. I really felt like it was going somewhere.

 

I then thought id ask one more time, I said when youre back do you fancy meeting up, she again declined. I asked why... then she dropped the bombshell... she got back with her ex bf.

 

Im not sure how long theyve been back, I didnt ask, I just felt a bit let down. I know she kept saying no to meeting me but I found the fact she was messaging me on holiday a lot was a good sign.

 

Again, all this is my own fault, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

 

Thanks everyone for your advice here, but this is one ive lost out on for good

[LoveRefreshed]

Sorry brah, we reap what we sow. Keep in touch with her. When you're both single at the same time, keep going for it.

 

 

A hopeful story:

There was a girl I fell for at first sight. I know I know, I was 18. Anyway, I walked by this girl every other day on my way to a class. Semesters change and the girl disappears from my life just like every stranger I walk past.

 

 

Fast forward 6 months, and a friend of mine has a gf who has a friend that is coming out with us. It just so happens to be this girl. I'll never forget those red dreadlocks and sexy high cheek bones. She had a moxxi. I see her a couple times, but then my friend's gf breaks up with him and she's lost again.

 

 

Randomly a friend asks if I can find mushrooms for a friend. Friend happens to be this girl. We exchange contact information. Yada Yada, she comes over for a party, I like her, I ask her out. She goes on a date with me. On second date seems disinterested.

 

 

Over the next 3 years she dated my roommate for a very short amount of time (1-2 months) but had an on-off boyfriend most of the time. I move to a different state. She to a different country. The next time our paths crossed, the night ended with an extremely hot night. We are good friends to this day, had had a few nights together but never physically near enough to date nor are we usually single when we are

 

 

The moral of the story is, be her friend. One day, it may work. Don't wait for it, but you may get a second shot.

[xUnknown]

Hey Wales...

 

Very similar situation I was/am sort of in. Feel free to read or skip to the end.

 

 

Family Friends for years, always had a thing for each other (girl A). Nothing ever progressed. Got a GF (girl B). Girl A told me she loved me after she thought she lost me. I went on break with B to see where my heart was. I didn't think the 500+ miles difference was possible with A so I chose B. Girl B and I broke up and girl A and I started talking again. I gave girl B a second chance, we broke up again a few months later. Girl A now has a bf. Obviously, girl A and I still have a connection, but shes got a bf and afraid I'd hurt her.

 

Last I actually spoke to her was in July when I called her and told her how I felt, and wanted to take her out on a date. That's when I officially found out she had a bf, instead of just speculation. I've more or less gone silent since then. I was supposed to visit their family and see their brother (on of my best friends who lives on the other side of the country while he was home). I decided not to go because of the situation. I called her brother and told him how I felt and how I could not see him because of it, he understood.

Essentially, you can't make someone fall in love with you.. you just have to let it happen. If girl A and I were meant to be, it'll happen. You'll be damn sure if/when she breaks up I'll ask her out again. But, until then, you just have to sit back and date around, see other people in the mean time. Go silent for now. Bow out her life while she is with her bf. If she had feelings for you, if/when they break up, you'll hear from her one way or another.

[Popsicle]

More than likely she will not take you back because you hurt her too bad, but will still talk to you until one or both of you gets tired of that.