Should I be playing harder to get?

[Lucychops]

I posted a few days ago about a lovely guy I'd met who came out of a long-term relationship a few months ago. We've seen each other quite a few times and had some amazing dates. He texts me constantly and says how much he wants to pursue thing with me – just not until he gets back from a trip to Europe for six weeks, which he leaves for next week. He's told me he doesn't want to sleep with me until he's back, because it wouldn't be right. He says he needs this time to fully get over his previous relationship. But, meanwhile, we've still been seeing each other in the lead-up to his trip (kissing, holding hands etc).

 

I appreciate his honesty – but basically, the gist of it is that I think he wants to shag everything that moves in Europe (although he claims he doesn't). I feel like I've fallen for this guy, but after some helpful comments from you guys and my friends, I feel a bit indignant that I'm just supposed to sit here patiently waiting for him. So, the other night I tried to have a chat with him about it. I mumbled something awkwardly about having your cake and eating it too, and that he can't just expect me to wait around. It went BADLY. It ended up with me saying I'd take him out for dinner on his birthday next week (perhaps so he can have some birthday cake and eat it too?) as he said he was going to spend it alone, and sort of looked at me hopefully (he's just moved to my city and doesn't know many people yet).

 

 

But now I just feel a bit annoyed at him. I appreciate that he's been so upfront, and he's so genuinely lovely and says such nice, sweet things to me, but then he's just going off to Europe, single, and still expecting me to be OK with that. I know I SHOULD just say hey, probably best we don't see each other before you go, text me when you're back and we'll see what happens – but I can't leave him alone on his birthday, can I?

 

Should I be playing harder to get? I want him to feel like I'm not 'easy'. At the same time, I'm completely smitten. I feel like he might be smitten too, given his Tolstoy-length text messages … just not smitten enough to keep it in his pants.

 

And what the heck do I get him for his birthday? Novelty condoms for Europe? (joke).

 

PS Just as an aside, this guy is my best friend's husband's best friend (you might have to read that twice), and she's convinced he's a good guy and that we should end up together!

Edited August 27, 2015 by Lucychops

[ExpatInItaly]

I posted a few days ago about a lovely guy I'd met who came out of a long-term relationship a few months ago. We've seen each other quite a few times and had some amazing dates. He texts me constantly and says how much he wants to pursue thing with me – just not until he gets back from a trip to Europe for six weeks, which he leaves for next week. He's told me he doesn't want to sleep with me until he's back, because it wouldn't be right. He says he needs this time to fully get over his previous relationship. But, meanwhile, we've still been seeing each other in the lead-up to his trip (kissing, holding hands etc).

 

I appreciate his honesty – but basically, the gist of it is that I think he wants to shag everything that moves in Europe (although he claims he doesn't). I feel like I've fallen for this guy, but after some helpful comments from you guys and my friends, I feel a bit indignant that I'm just supposed to sit here patiently waiting for him. So, the other night I tried to have a chat with him about it. I mumbled something awkwardly about having your cake and eating it too, and that he can't just expect me to wait around. It went BADLY. It ended up with me saying I'd take him out for dinner on his birthday next week (perhaps so he can have some birthday cake and eat it too?) as he said he was going to spend it alone, and sort of looked at me hopefully (he's just moved to my city and doesn't know many people yet).

 

 

But now I just feel a bit annoyed at him. I appreciate that he's been so upfront, and he's so genuinely lovely and says such nice, sweet things to me, but then he's just going off to Europe, single, and still expecting me to be OK with that. I know I SHOULD just say hey, probably best we don't see each other before you go, text me when you're back and we'll see what happens – but I can't leave him alone on his birthday, can I?

 

Should I be playing harder to get? I want him to feel like I'm not 'easy'. At the same time, I'm completely smitten. I feel like he might be smitten too, given his Tolstoy-length text messages … just not smitten enough to keep it in his pants.

 

And what the heck do I get him for his birthday? Novelty condoms for Europe? (joke).

 

PS Just as an aside, this guy is my best friend's husband's best friend (you might have to read that twice), and she's convinced he's a good guy and that we should end up together!

 

I would not pursue anything with him right now. All this business about Europe and being free there is irrelevant if he's not over his ex. Sorry OP, but I don't think this is going to go the way you want. He's clearly not ready for it.

 

As for his birthday, you don't owe him anything. I would not buy him a gift.

Edited August 27, 2015 by ExpatInItaly

[PegNosePete]

Should I be playing harder to get?

Assuming you're over 18, you should not be playing anything.

 

I don't see how anything has changed since your last thread. Are you going to allow him to have his cake and eat it? To go off shagging anything that moves in Europe and then be waiting for him when he comes back like a good little puppy dog?

[TaraMaiden2]

Agreed.

He will probably look for fun, sea and sand while out there, and have a great time - but he obviously wants to insure he will have a bit of booty when he gets back too.

 

I'd play it cool, wish him a nice holiday, tell him you'll just do your thing and when he gets back if he wants, to get in touch with you, and you'll see about getting together, dependant on your schedule.

 

Anything else is dishing it up on a silver platter for him....

[Methodical]

He's told me he doesn't want to sleep with me until he's back, because it wouldn't be right. He says he needs this time to fully get over his previous relationship. I appreciate his honesty – but basically, the gist of it is that I think he wants to shag everything that moves in Europe (although he claims he doesn't).[/Quote]

 

You *think* he wants to shag everything in Europe, you *think* he should have already slept with you bc the opportunity has presented itself and he didn't seize the moment. He said it wouldn't be right, which tells me he has moral fiber.

 

So, the other night I tried to have a chat with him about it. I mumbled something awkwardly about having your cake and eating it too, and that he can't just expect me to wait around. It went BADLY.[/Quote]

 

You have been on a handful of dates and you're already making snide comments. He has expressed interest in pursuing something more substantial when he returns, but as it stands now you are a free agent and so is he. In his shoes, I'd have cut you loose after saying he can't expect you to wait around, bc as of yet, he has made no commitment or promises, just expressed an interest.

 

But now I just feel a bit annoyed at him. I appreciate that he's been so upfront, and he's so genuinely lovely and says such nice, sweet things to me, but then he's just going off to Europe, single, and still expecting me to be OK with that.[/Quote]

 

You are annoyed bc he's honest and upfront? Really?? Most ppl I know get annoyed when they are lied to. He has every right to expect you to be okay with him taking a trip. He hasn't made a commitment and you're already acting like an insecure, possessive gf.

 

Should I be playing harder to get? I want him to feel like I'm not 'easy'. At the same time, I'm completely smitten. I feel like he might be smitten too, given his Tolstoy-length text messages … just not smitten enough to keep it in his pants.[/Quote]

 

Again, this is conjecture on your part. You are assuming he won't keep it in his pants, so you definitely believe he has little integrity and don't trust him. As for "playing harder to get," it's the games ppl play that hurt one another. He isn't playing a game. As far as I can tell from everything you have written, he has integrity, moral fiber, is honest, and not a game player.

 

I see his point of view. With all likelihood this trip has been planned for some time and starting a relationship on the brink of leaving for several weeks isn't in his best interest nor yours. He wants to enjoy his trip w/o assumed obligation.

[Satu]

Don't 'play' anything.

 

Be genuine.

 

The same person on the inside and the outside.

[Gaeta]

I posted a few days ago about a lovely guy I'd met who came out of a long-term relationship a few months ago.

 

Never date a man just out of a relationship especially a long term relationship. That is such a simple rule to avoid disappointments.

[Strahatmak]

He texts me constantly and says how much he wants to pursue thing with me – just not until he gets back from a trip to Europe for six weeks, which he leaves for next week. He's told me he doesn't want to sleep with me until he's back, because it wouldn't be right. He says he needs this time to fully get over his previous relationship.

 

He has given you a definite time. Why isnt it good for you already?

 

But, meanwhile, we've still been seeing each other in the lead-up to his trip (kissing, holding hands etc).

 

Stop doing that. This will confirm him that you will be around no matter what. Show him you are not a booty for him.

 

You dont need to play. Just set him aside cool. Tell him let's see what happen next and stop contacting.

[Pull n Pray]

 

Should I be playing harder to get? I want him to feel like I'm not 'easy'. At the same time, I'm completely smitten. I feel like he might be smitten too, given his Tolstoy-length text messages … just not smitten enough to keep it in his pants.

 

How do you play hard to get with a guy who doesn't want to have sex with you yet?

 

Some questions:

 

Why is he going to Europe for 6 weeks? Are you wanting him to cancel the trip?

 

How exactly did things go badly when you accused him of wanting to have his cake and eat it to?

 

Have you two discussed exclusivity at all?

[Versacehottie]

I posted a few days ago about a lovely guy I'd met who came out of a long-term relationship a few months ago. We've seen each other quite a few times and had some amazing dates. He texts me constantly and says how much he wants to pursue thing with me – just not until he gets back from a trip to Europe for six weeks, which he leaves for next week. He's told me he doesn't want to sleep with me until he's back, because it wouldn't be right. He says he needs this time to fully get over his previous relationship. But, meanwhile, we've still been seeing each other in the lead-up to his trip (kissing, holding hands etc).

 

I appreciate his honesty – but basically, the gist of it is that I think he wants to shag everything that moves in Europe (although he claims he doesn't). I feel like I've fallen for this guy, but after some helpful comments from you guys and my friends, I feel a bit indignant that I'm just supposed to sit here patiently waiting for him. So, the other night I tried to have a chat with him about it. I mumbled something awkwardly about having your cake and eating it too, and that he can't just expect me to wait around. It went BADLY. It ended up with me saying I'd take him out for dinner on his birthday next week (perhaps so he can have some birthday cake and eat it too?) as he said he was going to spend it alone, and sort of looked at me hopefully (he's just moved to my city and doesn't know many people yet).

 

 

But now I just feel a bit annoyed at him. I appreciate that he's been so upfront, and he's so genuinely lovely and says such nice, sweet things to me, but then he's just going off to Europe, single, and still expecting me to be OK with that. I know I SHOULD just say hey, probably best we don't see each other before you go, text me when you're back and we'll see what happens – but I can't leave him alone on his birthday, can I?

 

Should I be playing harder to get? I want him to feel like I'm not 'easy'. At the same time, I'm completely smitten. I feel like he might be smitten too, given his Tolstoy-length text messages … just not smitten enough to keep it in his pants.

 

And what the heck do I get him for his birthday? Novelty condoms for Europe? (joke).

 

PS Just as an aside, this guy is my best friend's husband's best friend (you might have to read that twice), and she's convinced he's a good guy and that we should end up together!

 

Well I don't know if harder to get is the right word. Here's the thing, which I don't think is bad: he wants to be single on europe trip. He may or may not use his singleness to his advantage when he's there. He wants to wait to make any exclusivity decisions. All fair and smart if you ask me. I don't mind at all how he's communicated about it. You need to pull back though.

 

Obviously it doesn't make you happy that you cannot logistically (and maybe emotionally) progress with him. You are not wrong; I wouldn't be happy either. Then why would you allow yourself to keep getting sucked in and let him have as much as he wants of you now? Sex isn't the only thing guys want--obviously he is enjoying his time with you, his interactions and the assurance that you've been giving him that you are gonna be right there when he comes back and actually you'd prefer it if he committed now. Why you putting all your eggs in the europe basket? LOL, 6 weeks is a long time.

 

Start pulling away now for your own protection, your own investment into other priorities (including dating other guys) and you get to show him that you have self-respect and send him off with that little self-respect message so you will be on his mind while away. Stop texting so much, seeing him so much. He's not giving you gf or exclusivity, so why are you giving him gf/exclusivity type behavior and effort. Disgruntled. Rightly so, but only you have the power to change that.

 

You have to presume your efforts before his trip will not change his mind and will just have you frustrated with him and looking desperate to him. Make him wonder. Life happens and you will just have to address it when he gets back. I actually think it's to your benefit being that he is newly out of a relationship and has this trip coming up. He will get stuff out of his system--even if it's just the freedom and has nothing to do with other girls. He will be better off when you see him after trip. Don't pin all your hope on someone who is not available yet, either emotionally or logistically or both. PULL BACK>

[losangelena]

Six weeks is a long time. Sh*t, I once met a guy, became his GF, and got dumped in that amount of time.

 

First, yes he can be alone on his birthday. You're not his GF, you're under no obligation to do anything.

 

Second, when he's off in Europe, you stay open to meeting other people. As Versace said, don't put all your eggs in one basket.

 

Third, going about it this way: "I mumbled something awkwardly about having your cake and eating it too, and that he can't just expect me to wait around" is the WRONG way to have this convo. Don't mumble, don't be snarky, don't be passive-aggressive. You assertively and directly state YOUR terms and let him respond in kind. If that means telling him you're not going to sit around and wait for him for a month and a half, then say that.

[Versacehottie]

Six weeks is a long time. Sh*t, I once met a guy, became his GF, and got dumped in that amount of time.

 

First, yes he can be alone on his birthday. You're not his GF, you're under no obligation to do anything.

 

Second, when he's off in Europe, you stay open to meeting other people. As Versace said, don't put all your eggs in one basket.

 

Third, going about it this way: "I mumbled something awkwardly about having your cake and eating it too, and that he can't just expect me to wait around" is the WRONG way to have this convo. Don't mumble, don't be snarky, don't be passive-aggressive. You assertively and directly state YOUR terms and let him respond in kind. If that means telling him you're not going to sit around and wait for him for a month and a half, then say that.

 

oops i forgot to address the birthday question. well you asked once and he declined. I think that's enough for people who are casually dating and just getting to know one another. You're not his gf yet so it's not your worry if he has to spend it alone. No present. If he comes back to you wanting to go out, I would take him if it's convenient by time he gets to you with this info and you don't go over the top (not overly romantic or expensive place). Present can be that you pay for it of course.

[Meridien]

Yes I would back off because you are pushing him away. I may not have the best radar or pick the right men but do know that you need to know your own value and voice non expectantly the things you will accept and the things you will not but he is a free man to make his own decisions. I believe we have all made mistakes in the boat of going in too fast but learn from it.

 

 

He does not sound ready for the type of relationship you are ready for. Do you want to force it and have him become resentful or let it happen if it is meant to be?