jj99 Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 **I apologize for the length in advance. Maybe itll help you, maybe it will be a tale of woe, maybe youll have some advice, I just needed to vent** My boyfriend of 8 years and I broke up about 3 months ago and I was really having a hard time coping. Not being able to deal w/ the pain anymore, I began to throw myself into my new job-despite how much I hate it- and forced myself to fill my time and weekends w/activities and positive friends and family. He's still not a distant memory yet, but I began to feel slightly good. I guess I was feeling so much better, that my energy began to attract ppl to me-I began to make new friends at my new job and ppl began to invite me out a lot. 1 night we all went to happy hour and this 1 guy that we work w/came. Ive talked to him a few times and I always thought he was kind of cute and I really liked joking around w/ him b/c we have the same type of humor, but I never really noticed him in that way. We have an in-office instant msgr system at work. The next day after happy hour, he msgd me to say that it he enjoyed talking to me and we should all get together for drinks soon. I said that sounded good to me and we began to talk. Some days we would talk all day long - getting to know/asking each other stuff, cracking jokes and just bs'ing-some days it was just here and there b/c obvs. we were both busy working. But it quickly escalated from chit-chatting to hardcore flirting within a matter of a week. I never considered hooking up w/ him, but after getting to know him some more,I was interested in the prospect. HOWEVER, in no way, shape or form am I ready for a relationship, I just thought something like this would be good for me. He asked me to hang out after work last friday. He lives in the city so I offered to drive into the city w/him after work. A couple of days before friday, he started to joke that he was going to cancel, but then he'd quickly say that he was kidding. He kept doing this up until an hr before we were suppose to hang out. We met up at the front of the bldg and he suggests we go to happy hr for a bit. While we're there,everything is cool until this exchange: HIM: we have to go back soon, I have to catch the shuttle ME: wait, you were serious about that? I thought you said you were kidding? H: no, I was serious. BK, I have sh%^ I have to do. M: (kind of embarrassed but trying to play it off) oh, ok. no problem, we'll leave in a few minutes then. I bring him back to the shuttle and we're kind of laughing about the situation. Before he gets out he says, "it's ok, 1 day we'll understand each other," and kind of laughs as we say our goodbyes. When I get into work on monday, he emailed me @ 1230 am that friday night saying that he had a good time,he hopes we hang more and that he was done w/ his gig and that I should come over. All the embarrassment went out the window b/c I felt like he was still interested + he didnt seemed embarrassed, so why should I be? Everything was cool till yesterday, when starting asking me all of these weird questions. Like how serious am I about hooking up and if I tell anyone @ work about what's going on. I don't talk to many ppl at work and I DEFINITELY do not tell ppl my personal business - that I assured him-but as far as the serious thing, I told him that I was serious and that if he wasn't and I was wrong about the vibes I was getting; then I apologize and there's no pressure/Im happy to just be friends. He was quite for a bit and then said that I wasn't wrong about the vibes. I backed off and left him alone for a while, until he comes by my desk and asks me to take a walk. Ok, cool, Im thinking he's going to want to talk about our last exchange. We get by the elevators, he hits the button, the doors open and he pushes me into the elevators and gives me the MOST PASSIONATE kiss I've gotten in a while. I was stunned. The doors open, he takes my hand and leads me to this weird part of the bldg that's desolate and we make out for at least a good solid 10 minutes. It was pretty fantastic I must admit. We leave, we go our separate ways and when I get back to my desk, he msgs me saying how great that was and blah blah. For the rest of the afternoon, we basically talked about that and how it should happen again. Before I leave, I give him my phone # but I tread lightly remembering the weird questions he was asking me before, so I tell him that there's no pressure to use it, but he has permission to call me sometime. He made some stupid joke about the # and I left before I could say something stupid back. This morning, Im in the cafeteria, and he walks right up to me and we start talking about bs. I could tell that something was up-like he was rushing or being short, but I just figured that was b/c he was running late. I left him alone until he msg's me 1st, (FYI HE ALWAYS msgd me 1st), making some joke about work. We joke back and forth and then I got busy and stopped msging; but I had this underlying feeling something was up, something seemed weird. My suspicions were right. He msgs me to tell me that while yesterday was a lot of fun, he thinks we should just keep it simple. He says that it's not me, that he like me and he knows that we would have a lot of fun together, but he just doesn't like to mix work w/that. I told him I understand and respect that. But then I began to think about it. Wait a minute, this is less than 24 hrs after we hooked up, this is after all of that illicit stuff he was saying to me, this is after he came up w/ the idea of pushing me into the elevator to make out and this after his 1230 am emails and other assorted msgs about how he wants to hang/hook up...nah, somethings fishy. So I ask, is it something else? I get the work thing, but I feel like there's something else. He and tells me. Well, it's that and the fact that he's "seeing this other girl that he'd rather pursue further". Im let down/hurt, but what can I say? I say ok, I understand. He kept asking if we were ok. Yea we're cool I say. And that's it. So now, Im at my desk and I know I look restless. My 1 pal and confidant, that I trust, happens to sit next to me and knows me well enough that somethings up. She asks and I buckle and tell her the whole story. She says "BK, he has a girlfriend! He's not 'just seeing' someone, I think he's been w/ her for a lil bit!" She then proceeds to show me his instagram account. Hey! What do you know, his f$%^&* PROFILE picture is of him and his GF!! Well that's just dandy. I wouldn't be so upset by this if it wasn't for the fact that HE pursued ME. Im even more pissed b/c when I asked him if I was wrong about my vibes, he couldve simply said yes, and that wouldve nipped it in the bud. I didn't go out of my way to chat him up and I certainly didn't send him emails after every happy hr. I was just minding my own business, trying to make it through the horrible work day and make it through my terrible break-up w/my ex-boyfriend of 8 years and then he comes along filling my head w/ this non-sense. Im so embarrassed and I feel like such a jackass. IDK how to handle the situation dealing w/ him at work and now all of these weird feelings that I have going on that have to do w/ him and my ex. Rebounds are usually good - whether is has a positve outcome or not, at least you still learn from it - but this wasn't even a rebound. It was just a really long wind-up and a pitch w/ no hits and no home runs, just a bunch of fouls and angry fans in the crowd. Thanks for reading the whole damn thing!
TaraMaiden2 Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Tell his GF he's a lying cheating scumbag. I would,... 1
Itspointless Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 I am sorry that happened to you. Rebounds are usually good - whether is has a positve outcome or not ... A rebound is the same as drugs, alcohol, etc, it numbs and let people look away so they do not have to deal with there feelings. 1
Clarence_Boddicker Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 You didn't do anything wrong because you didn't know. He's a sociopath looking for victims. I'd send his gf an anonymous message that sounds like it's not from you stating that he took some new girl somewhere in the building alone for awhile & she came back all giddy. 3
BriNyc82 Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 What a scumbag. If you were to tell his gf yourself or anonymously, regardless, he will find out that it was you who told her. It might make things even more awkward at work. I would probably let him know I know he has a gf so he doesn't think he got away with it, but his gf will find out who he is eventually. He's bound to slip up and she will catch him in his lies. You caught him this early lying, I don't know how she doesn't see it. I'm sorry, but do NOT let this loser make you feel crummy. I think you had a feeling early on something was off and you trusted your gut =) 1
mightycpa Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 I missed the part where you hooked up. It was somewhere between the elevator kiss/making out part and the weird vibe cafeteria conversation, but I can't find it, unless "making out" = "hooking up". I don't think it does; you were at work, after all. Given that all you did was make out, and he raised your interest in him, but then he balked at banging you like a screen door because he already has a girlfriend, then I'd say you're making a mountain out of a molehill. If that really bothers you, then maybe next time you can ask early on: Hey, it's ok if you are, but I just want to know if you're seeing anybody else right now. I don't mind at this point, but I would like to know what I'm dealing with.
Gus Grimly Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 HIM: we have to go back soon, I have to catch the shuttle ME: wait, you were serious about that? I thought you said you were kidding? H: no, I was serious. BK, I have sh%^ I have to do. M: (kind of embarrassed but trying to play it off) oh, ok. no problem, we'll leave in a few minutes then. That was your Big Red Flag. No guy who's actually into a woman is gonna ask her out then blow her off. That's F'ing rude. You keep saying "Hooking up", did I miss something? Did you have sex with him? BTW, he was a rebound as you are not fully over your 8-year relationship. Anyway, you gotta drop all ties with homeboy. No contact, if he pursues you, that's when you become direct and to the point and if he continues you become aggressive and go from there. That's when you reach out to his girlfriend and ask her to please tell her BF to stop his sexual advances towards you. 2
Meridien Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 He sounds similar to a gem I recently have encountered. Be glad he was temporary! 1
quattrob Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 While I agree the guy is a scumbag and I would love to see him get beat and punished for it. Like you said you are no position to be in a relationship this soon and that should apply to hooking up with other people.. you're disrespecting yourself and your body and it's devaluing to yourself. More often than not you get yourself hurt and regret you did it. This is just my opinion on the matter of course. 2
Learningtowalkagain Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 I missed the part where you hooked up. It was somewhere between the elevator kiss/making out part and the weird vibe cafeteria conversation, but I can't find it, unless "making out" = "hooking up". I don't think it does; you were at work, after all. Given that all you did was make out, and he raised your interest in him, but then he balked at banging you like a screen door because he already has a girlfriend, then I'd say you're making a mountain out of a molehill. If that really bothers you, then maybe next time you can ask early on: I recently broke it off with my FWB (she was starting to get feelings). She heard through the grape vine I "hooked up" with someone she knew. I said we just kissed, to her that's hooking up. To me hooking up is when there's a penis or vagina involved. I guess women view hooking up as kissing.
TaraMaiden2 Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 I recently broke it off with my FWB (she was starting to get feelings). She heard through the grape vine I "hooked up" with someone she knew. I said we just kissed, to her that's hooking up. To me hooking up is when there's a penis or vagina involved. I guess women view hooking up as kissing. It shouldn't really have mattered to her WHAT you were doing with somebody else. The whole point of having - or being - a FWB is that there's no commitment or obligation, on either side. It frankly wasn't any of her business... You were right to break it off with her, as she was developing feelings. With a heterosexual FWB, I personally 'guessitmate' that 70% of those who develop feelings are the women (judging by comments and confessions on this forum). Men do, but they are far fewer in number....
Gus Grimly Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 While I agree the guy is a scumbag and I would love to see him get beat and punished for it. Like you said you are no position to be in a relationship this soon and that should apply to hooking up with other people.. you're disrespecting yourself and your body and it's devaluing to yourself. More often than not you get yourself hurt and regret you did it. This is just my opinion on the matter of course. My Ex banged 2 dudes after 1-2 coffee dates, only weeks after she broke off our engagement. Unfortunately, after the sex there was no follow-up date with either gentleman. My Ex was obviously out for the rebound hookup. She considers herself a respectable, prideful, self-proclaimed "awesome woman" of 3 children. That doesn't compute with me. Not at all. I'm old school, I don't think throwing yourself into sex right away, or even months after a LTR relationship is respectful to yourself or your body. But it all depends on the person too, so it's very subjective. Just as quattrob pointed out. This might be a vintage set of morals because lord know it's all about sex these days. Doesn't mean you can't take pride in yourself and have integrity how you carry yourself through life. You seem like a really cool person, give credit where credit is due. I think you deserve more than some creepy dude looking for a quick fling. 1
Learningtowalkagain Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 It shouldn't really have mattered to her WHAT you were doing with somebody else. The whole point of having - or being - a FWB is that there's no commitment or obligation, on either side. It frankly wasn't any of her business... You were right to break it off with her, as she was developing feelings. With a heterosexual FWB, I personally 'guessitmate' that 70% of those who develop feelings are the women (judging by comments and confessions on this forum). Men do, but they are far fewer in number.... Funny side story to breaking it off with her: First she acted like she didn't care and said "I'm not going to beg you to keep having sex with you". I told her I didn't take her as the begging type and gave her the winky face. Then she proceeded to beg. I was dumbfounded. Have a feeling I'm getting a drunk text this weekend.
mightycpa Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 I recently broke it off with my FWB (she was starting to get feelings).That's when the downsides start to outweigh the benefits, isn't it?
Author jj99 Posted August 28, 2015 Author Posted August 28, 2015 BriNyc82 - I was thinking the same thing. I figured Id wait until I spoke to him face to face to let him know that I know about his GF. But Im not sure if that will happen anytime soon - Im trying to do this whole thing where Im cordial but I keep it short. Short enough so he doesn't get the impression Im hurt and cordial enough just to maintain my sanity at work. IDK what the deal is w/ his GF (or whatever), but I feel bad for her. I can recall seeing a photo of a girl on his desk a few months ago, but in the past month or so, the picture was gone so I figured maybe they broke up, (if that was even her). But here's how the scenario plays out in my head, (based off of my assumptions): He prob noticed me a while ago, (that's why he starting flirting/talking to me so much at that 1st happy hr we went to), and then when they broke up or decided to take a 'break', he became more interested in me and decided to try to tip his toe in the water so-to-speak. He probably thought he'd be able to have his cake and eat it too, but after we made out, he prob started to like me a little bit and he got scared..or maybe his conscious broke through his sociopathitic ways and he realized he was being a scumbag. Who knows?
Author jj99 Posted August 28, 2015 Author Posted August 28, 2015 (edited) mightycpa - I only made out w/ him, there wasn't any type of sex involved. I may have used the word "hooking-up" a little too generally, but the way I meant it involves any type of affection-whether it's sex or kissing. But to clarify, we only made out in the elevator and 1 other spot - this was all before the odd cafeteria convo. And as much as I love the use of your term "banging me like a screen door", Im not upset that he has a girlfriend, (although it is a huge bummer), Im upset that he so adamantly pursued me and then when he finally came clean, he acted as if this was my idea all along or as if I was the 1 pushed him into the elevator. He made it seem like this whole thing was only my idea all along and that he had to pumped the brakes b/c he "wants to do the right thing." The right thing would've been to stay in your lane and not kick it to another girl when you have another 1 at home. Edited August 28, 2015 by jj99 1
Author jj99 Posted August 28, 2015 Author Posted August 28, 2015 Gus Grimly -Thanks Gus! Yea it was definitely f'ing rude w/o a doubt. That's what I kept thinking too. I was like, something's rotten. This guy is coming on so strong and saying all of this crazy stuff and then all of a sudden something comes up? I was talking about it w/ 1 of my guy friends and he said something similar. He said "maybe he did legitimately have something to do...maybe. But all I know is, if I was talking to a girl the way he was talking to you, a tornado prob wouldn't stop me from seeing her." And like I mentioned before, I probably used the term 'hooking-up' too broadly, but I used it as a general term for both sex and kissing -my bad - but the only thing we did was make out and some heavy petting, that was it. I was fine w/ the whole rebound thing b/c I don't think that I will be ready for an actual relationship for quite sometime. I was totally opened to the whole FWB thing, but not if there's a girlfriend in the equation too. Im trying not to talk to him too much. It's hard since we have to work together, but it's not totally impossible. When I see him, I try to keep it short and sweet. But it was weird this morning, b/c right away he msgs me and begins to talk like we're old pals. Granted, it's not as long winded as all of our other msging sessions, but it seemed like he was either amendment about staying friendly, or he was adamant about finding out if he can keep on retainer in case something happens w/ his GF again. 1
mightycpa Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 (edited) mightycpa - I only made out w/ him, there wasn't any type of sex involved. I may have used the word "hooking-up" a little too generally, but the way I meant it involves any type of affection-whether it's sex or kissing. But to clarify, we only made out in the elevator and 1 other spot - this was all before the odd cafeteria convo. And as much as I love the use of your term "banging me like a screen door", Im not upset that he has a girlfriend, (although it is a huge bummer), Im upset that he so adamantly pursued me and then when he finally came clean, he acted as if this was my idea all along or as if I was the 1 pushed him into the elevator. He made it seem like this whole thing was only my idea all along and that he had to pumped the brakes b/c he "wants to do the right thing." The right thing would've been to stay in your lane and not kick it to another girl when you have another 1 at home.Well, thank you, I do like to "punch up" the narrative every now and again; colorful metaphors and that kind of thing. Yes, the right thing would have been.... but, to my point, the romantic probings between men and women is a landscape littered with the victims of those who haven't done the right thing. On the scale of egregious wrongs, what he did sounds minor. You'd do well to discard your thin skin and put on your cantaloupe skin. Hypersensitivity to discomfort, deceit and offense is bad for your mental health, and will doom whatever chance of a love life you might have. Better to let it roll of your back and let the offenders bear the burden of their offenses, rather than you. So instead of this =:[ you might want to shoot for ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Edited August 28, 2015 by mightycpa 2
Gus Grimly Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 Gus Grimly -Thanks Gus! Yea it was definitely f'ing rude w/o a doubt. That's what I kept thinking too. I was like, something's rotten. This guy is coming on so strong and saying all of this crazy stuff and then all of a sudden something comes up? I try to keep it short and sweet. But it was weird this morning, b/c right away he msgs me and begins to talk like we're old pals. Oh yeah, that was completely vulgar doing that to you or ANYONE for the matter. You seem like a very sensible person, go with your gut, if it feels "off" you're probably on the right track. Never minimize your feelings, a stronger person would have confronted this guy right there and then for wasting their time and stormed off. We all can't be so bold, unfortunately. Yeah, his conduct with you this morning, he's definitely putting out the feelers. You should try your best to act like nothing EVER happened. If he brings up the makeout sessions, give him a very confused look and say "I have no idea what you are talking about. Will that be all?" Be curt with him and keep a neutral/indifferent tone and demeanor. You control the conversation, not him. You can do it! 1
Author jj99 Posted August 28, 2015 Author Posted August 28, 2015 mightycpa - you're 100%, a thicker skin is needed and I think that's why Im mad. Im not mad at the situation - yes, its annoying and a bit of a let down, but what can you do- Im MOST mad at myself. Im mad that Im letting this bother me and Im mad b/c I realize that Im still really vulnerable. But again, you're right. I actively change my stance to ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Thanks mightycpa, this breakup has not been easy and these trips on the road to getting over him have been a mo%$^#*!!!
Author jj99 Posted August 28, 2015 Author Posted August 28, 2015 Thanks Gus Grimly! Again, such great advice. At first when it happened, I was totally confused. But I wasn't sure if I was being oversensitive, so i blew it off as some sort of miscommunique, but the underlying feeling was sh%% and the more I thought about it, the more I realized. I was planning on asking him if he had a GF the next time we hung out in person b/c I can't gauge if a persons lying over a msging system. But I never got to that point, so... however, as suggested above, I am curious to see what would happen if I said that I know about the GF, but I feel like theres no point to that now. And Im definitely going to keep it short w/ him around the office. I don't want him to think that he got to me or that Im shameful or whatever. Thankfully, Im going on a interview today, so maybe Ill get a new job soon. I should have known he was as bad as the rest of that place!
Gus Grimly Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 Thankfully, Im going on a interview today, so maybe Ill get a new job soon. I should have known he was as bad as the rest of that place! You're sounding great! Good luck on your interview, I really hope you get the job.
Author jj99 Posted August 29, 2015 Author Posted August 29, 2015 Thanks Gus Grimly!! The interview wasn't exactly a home run, but it's a step in the right direction. Now, I just have to prepare my new perspective for this weeks activities: my job is making us have a team 'bonding' experience, which is just us getting dinner and LOTS of drinking on the company's dime. Ugh. This should be interesting Thanks again for all of your advice and kind words :] 1
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