Asked GF to stay friends, didn't think she would think its break up

[lm2]

I would appreciate people’s opinion on here, preferably those with more life experience.

 

I have been going out with my gf for the past 4.5 years and a while ago I wanted to focus on myself. I felt our relationship was a little dull at the time because she wouldn’t want to do anything even though I tried. I still loved her and wanted to be with her but just needed time by myself. I told her that I wanted to stay friends for sometime and not be in a relationship because of too much pressure. It might have seemed that I didn’t want to be with her when I did. When I said that I never thought she would go out with another guy so fast especially because of our history / relationship. (Plus we have had our downs but she has always been loyal, same for me.) Instead of taking some time off like I pictured, she met another guy and things escalated for them but they didn’t do anything besides make out. When she told me, I confronted her and told her that to me we weren’t officially broken up but to her it seemed the other way. In her perspective she thought our relationship had dried out. She thought things were really done between us because of my disinterest and was trying to forget about me through a rebound.

 

 

 

I am somewhat disappointed and hurt because I wonder if all those things she said about not being with anyone else but me was true. By that I mean, if you really like someone you would try your best to get back with them. Long story short we talked things out and are back together (this took some time, I don’t know what was going through her head because she never acted like that); she doesn’t talk to the guy anymore.

 

 

I would like to know what people’s opinions are on this. In a way, I feel responsible for this but on the other hand I shouldn’t try to justify for what happened because technically in my view we weren’t broken up.

 

 

How should I approach this, I do love her a lot but sometimes when I picture her doing that I don’t feel well. I am thankful though that nothing else happened between them. A side note, not to be cocky but the other guy was a downgrade so I am not jealous of anything about him. It is more of the closeness I have with her and the weird phase she was going through.

 

 

Lastly, I had to do a lot of investigating and getting reassured that she was being honest with me because one time she was dishonest about something else so I always had negative thoughts going on in my mind. However, I cleared things up and she isn't someone who would do that to me.

 

Thanks for your help!

[TaraMaiden2]

There is no such thing as a break.

Not unless you abide by certain rules, which have to be agreed by both, beforehand:

 

• A definite and registered date for the break to end.
   
  
• A date, time and place to meet, to discuss where you're both at, what your expectations and commitments are, and whether you can both work, together to improve and build on what you have.
   
  
• An agreement to not date, see anyone or even communicate with anyone else, during this break period.
  

 

Basically (sorry if this sounds harsh) you were having your cake and eating it.

 

What you were saying to her, in a nutshell was:

"I no longer want to date you, but I'm going to go off and do my own thing, find myself and discover what I really want in life. I expect you to wait for me, see no-one, do nothing and to remain loyal and celibate while I'm doing said thing, but I can't guarantee that at the end of it, I will actually want to pick our relationship back up. In the meantime, while I am away doing my thing, we can of course carry on being friends, because I want you in my life to a degree, but not to the degree you would prefer."

 

That's what an unspecified, 'I need space' break essentially communicates.

She - quite rightly - decided that this was unacceptable to her, and felt entitled to go off and do her own thing.

 

Sorry, but if you peruse this forum, the hundreds of "I need a break" posts simply lead to it actually being what it really is.

A break-UP.

 

You can't be entitled to have a foot in both camps and expect your ex to conform, simply because you failed to communicate what your intentions were.

 

Now, sadly, you're paying the price.

 

You have a strong sense of what you think she should have thought, said and done.

You yourself though, need to examine your own behaviour and attitude.

You don't OWN her and she had as much right to do what she did, as you had to do what you did.

You now have the consequences.

Her responses and reactions are on you.

You cannot blame her for blurring the edges.

You started it....

[lm2]

There is no such thing as a break.

Not unless you abide by certain rules, which have to be agreed by both, beforehand:

 

• A definite and registered date for the break to end.
  
• A date, time and place to meet, to discuss where you're both at, what your expectations and commitments are, and whether you can both work, together to improve and build on what you have.
  
• An agreement to not date, see anyone or even communicate with anyone else, during this break period.
  

 

Basically (sorry if this sounds harsh) you were having your cake and eating it.

 

What you were saying to her, in a nutshell was:

"I no longer want to date you, but I'm going to go off and do my own thing, find myself and discover what I really want in life. I expect you to wait for me, see no-one, do nothing and to remain loyal and celibate while I'm doing said thing, but I can't guarantee that at the end of it, I will actually want to pick our relationship back up. In the meantime, while I am away doing my thing, we can of course carry on being friends, because I want you in my life to a degree, but not to the degree you would prefer."

 

That's what an unspecified, 'I need space' break essentially communicates.

She - quite rightly - decided that this was unacceptable to her, and felt entitled to go off and do her own thing.

 

Sorry, but if you peruse this forum, the hundreds of "I need a break" posts simply lead to it actually being what it really is.

A break-UP.

 

You can't be entitled to have a foot in both camps and expect your ex to conform, simply because you failed to communicate what your intentions were.

 

Now, sadly, you're paying the price.

 

You have a strong sense of what you think she should have thought, said and done.

You yourself though, need to examine your own behaviour and attitude.

You don't OWN her and she had as much right to do what she did, as you had to do what you did.

You now have the consequences.

Her responses and reactions are on you.

You cannot blame her for blurring the edges.

You started it....

 

ok thanks for your input but i would like to mention we have had times of disagreement before but we never went with another person so this time was different

 

apart from that, how exactly am i suppose to deal with it,it makes me uncomfortable, basically this is our first long term relationship and we have been through a lot

 

thanks!

[ScotchBeef]

i feel Im2 nailed it perfectly.

 

My first long term relationship laster 2 years, after which i felt trapped. We were living with her mother and i needed my own space, so said i was moving into my brothers for a while.

 

My girlfriend saw this as a step back and said she wanted a "break", and after two weeks i realised that i was actually much happier like that and ended the relationship altogether.

 

It sounds like you two are at least trying to make it work, which is something, but i'm afraid you are unlikely to feel any better about what happened any time soon. It's just a case of sucking it up and accepting what's done is done.

[ScotchBeef]

Agree with Teramaiden, I meant.

[spiderowl]

I feel you are under a few misapprehensions. You say that if your girlfriend really liked you she'd do her best to get back with you. Why would she when you have effectively left her and said you just want to be friends because a relationship (being with her) is too much pressure? Your girlfriend appears to have self respect and did not try to get back with someone who had dumped her (you).

 

Because she was with someone else while you were having a break (had left her), you seem to have lost trust in her. Maybe you were expecting too much from the beginning. Why does it matter if she had ever been with anyone else? Did she have to be pure and perfect? Why should it matter if she sees someone else while you two were broken up? It sounds like you need her to be what you would ideally want her to be. She is human and she doesn't have to meet your expectations. Reality and fantasy often don't match up. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with her or that she's done anything wrong, just that she is not perfect like you are not perfect.

 

She is taking a big risk being with you again after your past history of suddenly deciding you don't want to be in a relationship. I think you could give her credit for trying to trust you again.

 

That aside, feelings have a life of their own and you need to get to the bottom of why you are feeling so upset about all this. Is it lack of trust in your girlfriend? Is it that she didn't wait for you, despite her thinking it must be over? Is it that she might have shared her body with someone else? Think about what exactly bothered you about this whole thing and be honest with yourself. It sounds like the crux of it is sexual exclusivity and fidelity, as if you expected this before she was with you and when on a break. That's a bit of a tall order for anyone!

[TaraMaiden2]

ok thanks for your input but i would like to mention we have had times of disagreement before but we never went with another person so this time was different.

Yes. This time, in her eyes, you broke up with her, and you can understand her logic...

 

I still loved her and wanted to be with her but just needed time by myself. I told her that I wanted to stay friends for sometime and not be in a relationship because of too much pressure. It might have seemed that I didn’t want to be with her when I did. When I said that

That's certainly the way it would seem to anyone, you know....

 

 

apart from that, how exactly am i suppose to deal with it,it makes me uncomfortable, basically this is our first long term relationship and we have been through a lot

You ended it.

She hooked up with someone else.

She has nothing to prove, justify, explain or excuse.

The UNtrustworthy one is you.

You're hopping from foot to foot, "I do, but I don't..."

You as good as told her it was over.

She has nothing to make up for.

The person who has to be clear in his intentions - is you.

Whether she decides to take you back, carry on with the relationhip, pick up - or go her separate way, is her choice.

Those are the options YOU gave her.

 

 

of you're uncomfortable, I'm afraid it's because of your extremely poor communication skills, and somewhat selfish attitude...

[emi]

Ok the tittle makes me laugh.

What on earth else she suppose to think?

[mrs rubble]

I laughed out loud at your "not to be cocky" comment..you certainly have a very high opinion of yourself!

I'm not convinced your girlfriend's fling guy was a downgrade either, he was there and into her while you were sitting around deciding whether you wanted her or not.