Jump to content

Paying for dates [merged]

usernametaken

By usernametaken
in Dating

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

losangelena Established Member

losangelena

Posted
Posted
So what's the best way to end this

 

I may get flamed for this, but I'd say just stop talking to him. Explaining your boundaries again will probably just irritate him further, and it's a waste of your energy.

  • Like 2
cookiemonster26 Established Member

cookiemonster26

Posted
Posted
Yes, it's normal for a guy to want sex early. It's not normal for a guy to get angry when you tell him no. You should always move at a pace that's comfortable for you. Sex happens when both people are ready.

 

Well whenever he would ask if he could come over I would say not this time. Maybe I need to be more firm ? Like actually tell him I won't sleep with anyone unless we are in a relationship ?

losangelena Established Member

losangelena

Posted
Posted
Well whenever he would ask if he could come over I would say not this time. Maybe I need to be more firm ? Like actually tell him I won't sleep with anyone unless we are in a relationship ?

 

That's a start.

cookiemonster26 Established Member

cookiemonster26

Posted
Posted
I may get flamed for this, but I'd say just stop talking to him. Explaining your boundaries again will probably just irritate him further, and it's a waste of your energy.

 

Ive only just told him I didn't want him to come over on the days he asked maybe this wasn't enough maybe I néed to tell him I want to wait for a relationship before having sex ?

losangelena Established Member

losangelena

Posted
Posted
Ive only just told him I didn't want him to come over on the days he asked maybe this wasn't enough maybe I néed to tell him I want to wait for a relationship before having sex ?

 

Please refer to post #47.

RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

Posted
Posted
Ya what bothers me is how he always wants to come over and gets mad and tells me I'm making excuses when I say no

 

question... If he were paying for your dates would you assume the above behavior is ok? I wouldn't.

 

Let's take the who pays thing out of the equation, because me personally, I never observed that to be a sign of sincere interest.

 

He sounds inconsiderate in general.

RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

Posted
Posted
Well whenever he would ask if he could come over I would say not this time. Maybe I need to be more firm ? Like actually tell him I won't sleep with anyone unless we are in a relationship ?

 

Except it is very easy to just say you are in a relationship when you aren't. I dunno. It doesn't sound to me like he is treating you like someone he wants a relationship with... And I am not talking about the paying thing.

  • Like 3
adiamond Established Member

adiamond

Posted
Posted

I don't like this guy at all. If you don't want to do anything, don't. If you want to find a guy who is more gentlemanly, then leave this guy. There will be guys out there that will treat you and make you feel good and appreciated. If a guy really likes you, he will wait as long as you feel comfortable. If you're unhappy leave! I promise, things will not get better and resentment will start setting in when you're with a guy and you're unhappy. It's okay to be single and you'll be okay leaving this guy, I promise. You deserve better! A guy who really likes you won't constantly pressure you into something you don't want to do because he will value you, and realize that if he keeps pressuring you, you'll leave and a guy who really likes you, won't want you to leave.

cookiemonster26 Established Member

cookiemonster26

Posted
Posted
question... If he were paying for your dates would you assume the above behavior is ok? I wouldn't.

 

Let's take the who pays thing out of the equation, because me personally, I never observed that to be a sign of sincere interest.

 

He sounds inconsiderate in general.

 

 

If I forget about the paying n doors n all that. I wouldn't really feel that convinced. He doesn't seem to really be interested in me, keeps asking to come over, I dunno just overall I have a bad feeling. Never says anything nice about me.

  • Like 1
RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

Posted
Posted
If I forget about the paying n doors n all that. I wouldn't really feel that convinced. He doesn't seem to really be interested in me, keeps asking to come over, I dunno just overall I have a bad feeling. Never says anything nice about me.

 

You have your answer then. It's no good wishing for something different with this guy. He is just wasting time you could be spending finding someone who treats you better.

 

Don't take it personally or feel like you did anything wrong. It's just not a match. I agree with the other poster... Just stop talking to him. If or when he asks you out again, just tell him you aren't interested in seeing him again and wish him good luck. He will probably say some mean things after that, but blow it off and consider yourself fortunate.

  • Like 3
Miss Peach Established Member

Miss Peach

Posted
Posted

OP - In this case I don't think the paying for dates or holding doors matters. He isn't into you.

 

I don't like that after 4 dates, half have been movie dates (which are often code for try to have sex), he doesn't seem considerate of YOUR feelings, he gets ANGRY at you when you say no to sex, he isn't respectful of boundaries, etc.

 

IMO - This guy is just looking for a booty call. If that is NOT what you want then turn down his future requests if he ever contacts you again for another 'date'.I wouldn't initiate any communication with him.

 

One good piece of advice I've heard is that a guy is on his best behavior in the beginning. Many relationship experts even call it things like the "perfect phase". If what you get upfront doesn't feel good then move on.

kismetkismet Established Member

kismetkismet

Posted
Posted

Don't take this as a judgemental question, I'm just genuinely curious about the motivation behind it. It still seems to be a big thing for a lot of women that men pay for all of the dates. Personally I like for them to pay for the first date, but after that I like to take turns and treat each other. Not ever paying makes me feel helpless and like an object, or not an equal participant in the relationship somehow. I don't like when they want to SPLIT bills, because I feel like it's unromantic and untrusting.. but I don't expect them to pick up more of the bills. It's not as though we live in a time when women stay home and need to be supported by men because the only job they can get is as a secretary. There absolutely is a large wage gap between men and women in general, so I suppose that could contribute.. but personally I've always made similar amounts to the guys that I've dated. Even when I haven't, I don't like to feel like they are paying for my time. (sometimes i wish i did, because my bank account would probably appreciate it haha)

 

These opinions are personal to me, I don't judge anyone for the gender dynamics they prefer in a relationship, I'm just genuinely curious about the reasoning behind it. Maybe it's just that I've never really been interested in the thought of being taken care of. Or maybe it's just leftover tradition from a time when women had to be financially provided for and now has just become a social custom that stands for...politeness?

cookiemonster26 Established Member

cookiemonster26

Posted
Posted
Don't take this as a judgemental question, I'm just genuinely curious about the motivation behind it. It still seems to be a big thing for a lot of women that men pay for all of the dates. Personally I like for them to pay for the first date, but after that I like to take turns and treat each other. Not ever paying makes me feel helpless and like an object, or not an equal participant in the relationship somehow. I don't like when they want to SPLIT bills, because I feel like it's unromantic and untrusting.. but I don't expect them to pick up more of the bills. It's not as though we live in a time when women stay home and need to be supported by men because the only job they can get is as a secretary. There absolutely is a large wage gap between men and women in general, so I suppose that could contribute.. but personally I've always made similar amounts to the guys that I've dated. Even when I haven't, I don't like to feel like they are paying for my time. (sometimes i wish i did, because my bank account would probably appreciate it haha)

 

These opinions are personal to me, I don't judge anyone for the gender dynamics they prefer in a relationship, I'm just genuinely curious about the reasoning behind it. Maybe it's just that I've never really been interested in the thought of being taken care of. Or maybe it's just leftover tradition from a time when women had to be financially provided for and now has just become a social custom that stands for...politeness?

 

 

A guy paying appeals to me that he cares about me , is interested and wants to impress me. Mind you he can show it in many ways, I guess paying is one of them but isn't required. I was recently dating a.guy who not only didn't pay, but didn't have much interest in my life and pressured me for sex. Regardless of whether he payed or not wouldn't of changed how I felt.

wb1988 Established Member

wb1988

Posted
Posted (edited)

Eating out is unhealthy; there's tons of non-necessary calories involved.

 

Really, you're that's your argument?

 

Guys want to pay because:

1.Most of us think that if we don't it'll lead to 'just friends', after all splitting bills is very 'friendly'.

2.That we're are expected to even if the women insists otherwise. Lets be honest ladies there is logic to this as you often don't say what you mean.

3.We think that there won't be a second date if we don't, as if a women paying is her way to avoid any expectations.

4.We'd rather avoid the bill getting in the way of any possible romance developing and to keep things more seamless.

 

There are a lot of women out there that expect men to always pay and they're the ones that are the root of the problem. I'm sure every other feminist is the type that wants to be independent but at the same time would never date a guy again if he didn't pay the last time. Also a common argument is that the guy pays because he makes more, but at the same time the same women that would say that would also never date a guy that makes less than her.

 

Personally I pay but I expect the girl to pay for the small things unless she makes something at home or whatever.

Edited by wb1988
RedRobin Established Member

RedRobin

Posted
Posted
Really, you're that's your argument?

 

Guys want to pay because:

1.Most of us think that if we don't it'll lead to 'just friends', after all splitting bills is very 'friendly'.

2.That we're are expected to even if the women insists otherwise. Lets be honest ladies there is logic to this as you often don't say what you mean.

3.We think that there won't be a second date if we don't, as if a women paying is her way to avoid any expectations.

4.We'd rather avoid the bill getting in the way of any possible romance developing and to keep things more seamless.

 

There are a lot of women out there that expect men to always pay and they're the ones that are the root of the problem. I'm sure every other feminist is the type that wants to be independent but at the same time would never date a guy again if he didn't pay the last time. Also a common argument is that the guy pays because he makes more, but at the same time the same women that would say that would also never date a guy that makes less than her.

 

Personally I pay but I expect the girl to pay for the small things unless she makes something at home or whatever.

 

This is fear talking. Things aren't going to change for men until they do their part to change it. If you don't think it is fair, then only date women who feel the same and don't take them for granted. Otherwise, don't complain. It's not like you don't have choices. You do.

Shining One Established Member

Shining One

Posted
Posted
Why do you think men should pay?
I don't believe men should pay, but I've heard plenty of reasons why men should pay. Here are some of the common ones:

  • It's traditional / Providing is the man's role
  • The man asked her out, therefore he should pay
  • It makes the women feel special / taken care of / valued
  • Women have higher preparation costs (clothes, makeup, hair, etc.)
  • It's sexy when a man pays / Cheap men are a turnoff
  • Men make more money
  • Men give / Women receive

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...