usernametaken Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 (edited) There's a lot of talk on here about who pays for dates and what's appropriate and/or expected. I've been dating my current BF for a while now. When we go out, he pays unless I make a big deal about it. It makes me a little uncomfortable, but I'm not sure if I should get over it and just let him do it. For background, I pull in a very good salary by anyone's standards. But, he makes at least 10-15 times what I do, maybe more. So, a lot of the things he likes to do would be way out of my budget. I don't want to be anyone's sugar baby, and I don't want him to feel like he's being taken advantage of. It would be less of an issue for me if we were on the same income level, but fact is, we are not. He always asks me what I want to do for dates, and I suggest more affordable options, but it usually ends up that we go to expensive dinners, etc., because that's what he wants to do. And now that I know his preferences, I'm still uncomfortable suggesting things that I know that he would like because I know he'll be footing the bill for the excursions. I guess my question is: is it ok to just let him pay? I'm a feminist and I don't need a man to take care of me. But I don't want him to think that I am interested in him for his money. I'm not. In fact, it makes me uncomfortable. Any advice? Edited September 30, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
mrldii Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 I'm a feminist and I've dated a lot and, honestly, this has just never been an issue. If it is an issue, I'd suggest that one of you is not what you claim to be OR one (or the both) of you is simply waaaay over-thinking it.
Author usernametaken Posted August 27, 2015 Author Posted August 27, 2015 I'm a feminist and I've dated a lot and, honestly, this has just never been an issue. If it is an issue, I'd suggest that one of you is not what you claim to be OR one (or the both) of you is simply waaaay over-thinking it. I think I'm totally overthinking it. Nobody here is misrepresenting their income - that it what it is. I just am so self-conscious about paying my own way that this makes me feel a little odd, I guess. And poor! And I'm not poor! I need to get over myself. I do cook him dinner regularly and buy the groceries, so I guess that's something? It's just awkward for me. I'm used to being on more equal financial footing or having the upper hand, even.
Oregon_Dude Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Sounds like he loves paying for you. And that's great. It makes us guys feel romantic. It's fun to date and pay for dates! As long as you're letting him know you have money and don't ever mind paying - he'll refuse that, of course - then there's no issue here. Enjoy! 3
mrldii Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Again, finances aside, it's a non-issue. There's a million and one reasons why "Who pays" just shouldn't be an issue, if two people are enjoying their time together. Eating out is unhealthy; there's tons of non-necessary calories involved. Dining out at a restaurant means restraining yourselves from what gazing-into-each-others'-eyes can lead to. If you enjoy cooking...do it! I've never known a man to turn away a woman who can whip up a good meal AND bring home the bacon. If he enjoys cooking and whipping up a meal for you...let him!!! There's nothing emasculating about a man who knows his way around a kitchen! You pay, he pays...makes no difference. In every polite society I've ever been involved in, whoever issues the invite, pays...and that includes when inviting neighborhood kids to join you and your kids at the local theme park. Why would The Rules of polite society *suddenly* change because you're spending time with a man you enjoy spending time with?!? Sorry...I just don't get the "Who Pays?!?" dilemma that others sooooo enjoy *debating* and fretting over...
aloneinaz Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 I applaud you OP for being cognizant of this in the first place. I'm a guy and make a very nice living. I expect to pay for the majority of things. However, I did notice when I was dating if a woman had "alligator arms", meaning her arms were not long enough to reach her purse... ever.! That's a turn off to me when a woman NEVER tries to pick up a check. What you should do is make plans with him to do something that's in your range to pay for. Suggest taking him to a pizza and a movie and before you go, insist on paying. Guys notice this, even if they say the don't mind paying for everything. Simple, small gestures of cooking a meal for him or taking him to breakfast, etc will be noticed, appreciated and your stock will rise in his view. 1
Shining One Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Your relationship sounds similar to mine, but the income disparity is not so high. When we first started dating, my girlfriend and I took turns. I paid for the first date, she paid for the second, and so forth. When we decided to become exclusive, I started taking her to fancier places that I enjoyed. She voiced concerns about the places being out of her budget and I told her I would cover it, especially since I'm picking the locations. I pay the majority of our dates because I have significantly more disposable income. It just makes sense. The fact that you're thinking about the costs and want to contribute fairly speaks volumes for your integrity. If you still feel bad about it, find other ways you can contribute to the relationship. You already cook, so that's a great start.
fitnessfan365 Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 It's actually refreshing for a woman to take this into consideration. Now if you make a good salary and he's pulling in 10-15x that, he's obviously very well off. So I doubt that he's seriously effected by it one way or the other. However, one problem I do see is that you seem to have little input in how you spend time together. Since you're a feminist and this makes you uncomfortable, will you be truly happy long term in a more traditional set up?
Popsicle Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 (edited) There's a lot of talk on here about who pays for dates and what's appropriate and/or expected. I've been dating my current BF for a while now. When we go out, he pays unless I make a big deal about it. It makes me a little uncomfortable, but I'm not sure if I should get over it and just let him do it. For background, I pull in a very good salary by anyone's standards. But, he makes at least 10-15 times what I do, maybe more. So, a lot of the things he likes to do would be way out of my budget. I don't want to be anyone's sugar baby, and I don't want him to feel like he's being taken advantage of. It would be less of an issue for me if we were on the same income level, but fact is, we are not. He always asks me what I want to do for dates, and I suggest more affordable options, but it usually ends up that we go to expensive dinners, etc., because that's what he wants to do. And now that I know his preferences, I'm still uncomfortable suggesting things that I know that he would like because I know he'll be footing the bill for the excursions. I guess my question is: is it ok to just let him pay? I'm a feminist and I don't need a man to take care of me. But I don't want him to think that I am interested in him for his money. I'm not. In fact, it makes me uncomfortable. Any advice? At this point, he isn't making an issue out of it and neither should you. He probably just wants you both to enjoy yourself. The experience matters more. You could always offer to pay or decline to go when you feel uncomfortable, or can't afford the fancier joints. Edited August 27, 2015 by Popsicle
Nemetona Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I'm going on a 3rd date shortly. He invited me. On the 1st date we just had coffee and he paid for my coffee. On the 2nd date he paid for dinner and tickets. 3rd date is a lunch date. Who should pay?
PegNosePete Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 If you pay it will show him that you are not the type of girl who is just out for a free lunch.
Nemetona Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 If you pay it will show him that you are not the type of girl who is just out for a free lunch. Sure but I'm not really bothered about that. I'd just like to get an idea of what is typical. In the past the man has always seemed to insist on paying for the first 3 or so dates.
BluEyeL Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I always let men pay three times. That is, unless I DON'T like them. If I don't like them, I don't let them pay at all, I insist at the first date. 1
Nemetona Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I always let men pay three times. That is, unless I DON'T like them. If I don't like them, I don't let them pay at all, I insist at the first date. That sounds about right.
PegNosePete Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Sure but I'm not really bothered about that. You're not bothered what he thinks of you? ... well, ok! Good luck with that.
Nemetona Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 You're not bothered what he thinks of you? ... well, ok! Good luck with that. hahahaha. If he wanted to assume I'm out for a free lunch that's fine by me. I'm not going to pay for lunch just to prevent him thinking negative things about me!
PegNosePete Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Then why did you bother asking the question if you've already made your mind up that you're not going to pay?
Nemetona Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 Then why did you bother asking the question if you've already made your mind up that you're not going to pay? Sigh.....:rolleyes:
Redhead14 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I'm going on a 3rd date shortly. He invited me. On the 1st date we just had coffee and he paid for my coffee. On the 2nd date he paid for dinner and tickets. 3rd date is a lunch date. Who should pay? When I was dating, I usually paid for the third date. Women should reciprocate. It's expensive to go out all the time. Tell him when you arrive that you want to take care of the bill. I sometimes would give my card to the waitress after she takes our order so that there isn't that awkward "bill" struggle at the end or reaching for my wallet, etc. I have the card or cash handy and can whip it out fast. I would also pay for the second date if I knew I didn't want to see him again. I'd pay for the date and at the end tell him I'd enjoyed spending time with him but I didn't think it was going to work for me. Something along those lines. 1
martaldn Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 you should pay. or at least offer to pay. where is written that a man HAS to pay all the times?
Nemetona Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 you should pay. or at least offer to pay. where is written that a man HAS to pay all the times? IME the man has always paid for the first 3 dates. But I wasn't sure whether that was just a coincidence or simply how it is usually done. I'm happy to let him pay for the 3rd date if that's seen as acceptable. 1
Toodaloo Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 IME the man has always paid for the first 3 dates. But I wasn't sure whether that was just a coincidence or simply how it is usually done. I'm happy to let him pay for the 3rd date if that's seen as acceptable. What is acceptable to you? What do you see as acceptable? You don't seem all that enamoured or bothered about putting your best foot forward with this guy... To be honest I am questioning why you are bothering at all... Then why did you bother asking the question if you've already made your mind up that you're not going to pay? This is a good question. I don't know why you brushed it off with "Sigh :rolleyes::rolleyes:" So why are you asking?
kpl Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 I almost always offer after the first date, but the guy usually insists. In those cases I might say well let me get the tip.
ZA Dater Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 If I were the guy I would insist on paying for dates.
Redhead14 Posted September 30, 2015 Posted September 30, 2015 (edited) IME the man has always paid for the first 3 dates. But I wasn't sure whether that was just a coincidence or simply how it is usually done. I'm happy to let him pay for the 3rd date if that's seen as acceptable. If a man insists on paying for dates, it's ok, but you should at least offer and at some point just commandeer the situation once anyway. The men I dated who just wanted to pay for all the dates would tell me, hey, I like to pay. Your money is no good or put your wallet away from now on. They were clear about it. Edited September 30, 2015 by Redhead14
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