Wanted it all the time, now she says shes not in the mood.. ??

[dazed343]

So my GF and I were going at it like 2-3 times a night for the past month and 1/2, maybe 1 time for some nights. Anyways now she never in the mood she says. Said she has these times where she wants it all the time and then won't wan't it for a while. Im like wtf??? Last night I was convinced I MIGHT get it cause our roommates were not gonna be home and she was giving me the hints. Then I get home and she says its that time of month. Maybe Im being selfish but I though maybe she was just throwing an excuse at me. Does this happen with chicks? I don't know how you can go from 2-3 times a day to not wanting it at all.

BTW we only started dating 2 months ago so I don't know before this. Mind games, liking the control??

[LucreziaBorgia]

Maybe she is wondering which you like better: sex or her. Some people do think this way, particularly if they begin to be insecure about why it is that you are dating them.

 

Of course, there could be any number of explanations:

 

1. she is telling the truth and this is truly a pattern for her

2. she feels like she 'closed the deal' and now and no longer needs to have the crazy wild sex

3. the infatuation with you wore off and she is distancing herself

4. she is seeing someone else

 

... and so on, and so on.

[dazed343]

I don't like #'s 3 and 4. I don't think shes testing me to see what I like better, she knows Im not there just for sex. I just don't get it. Number 2 sounds more like it though I can't figure it out. If it were the door having been shut I feel like the mind and control games are being played. Are many girls like this? I don't understand the mood thingy I mean I may not always be in the mood myself but I can easily get into it To go from at least once every night to not wanting it at all makes me feel something is really wrong.

[Naive]

Maybe she is seeing someone else.....

[dazed343]

Originally posted by ~Naive~

Maybe she is seeing someone else.....

 

why would you jump to that conclusion? She told me in the last month and 1/2 that as long as I treater her well (and I do) I wouldn't give her a reason to look at other guys. The way she put it came over kinda harsh but I know she ment it.

[Naive]

Okay maybe she got bored of it

[dazed343]

i know doing it everyday it will eventually get boring which is why a few days maybe in between is good. it started last wendsday though so its been a week with no sexors. Maybe Im just selfish because I got it soo often before but It makes me think something is up. Have I done something? Is she playing mind games or control. Maybe she really has lost the mood which sucks. She said when the mood goes she never knows when it may come back, says sometimes she'll want it all the time and then she won't want it for weeks. Fck... sucks to be me.

I think part of the reason im going nuts about this so much is that shes #1 for me.

[R O B J.]

dude,

 

you in the early to mid phase of getting crushed by this woman. TRUST ME! Lucrezia's post was right on but she was being ladylike and polite in her delivery by giving you the remote but plausible scenario-1 and framing the whole situation in an open ended way.

 

Be grateful you got to spend a couple of months having sex 2-3x a day with a woman you were hot for. That is something many men will never get. She may be your No 1, but your number with her has dropped. This is mind-controling/ messing w/ you behavior -- If it feels like that in you gut and it happens more than once, it most always is.

 

You will not be able to understand or accept all the why's now, you may never get to know them exactly,and she will mos def NOT be a source of clarity for you, so don't seek answers from her.

 

BOTTOM LINE SOLUTION:

1>take some time, on-your own, without consulting or discussing with her, to determine what you personally feel you need in terms of sexual attention and gratification from a honest and healthy relationship. then write that down for yourself.

 

2>Take some time when she will give you here undivided attention. Share with her you needs/expectations of a healthy relationship. Then ask her if she is able to be part of such a relationship with you.

 

3>If she says yes, continue with an honestly good-willed attempt at continuing the relationship allowing 1 week for her to adjust, but if things haven't changed or if at any point thereafter you get that feeling of being messed... you NEED to end it. To not do so will only prolong the end and further scar your heart. TRUST ME.

 

4>If she says no or tries to rationalize/explain her special needs to you, listen but the minute you feel in you gut like what she is saying contains any BS, then you must also END IT.

 

this may seem sad and unacceptable to you now, but remember.. you should be grateful for what you got, and learn to make you your No 1.

[moimeme]

Please don't listen to men when they attempt to tell you how women work. Yes, we do have cycles - in theory you've heard of them. She was truthful with you - she goes through phases of not being interested. There is no more to read from this. She is not seeing someone else. She is not using mind control. The simple fact is that many women go through phases like this and she's one.

 

However, if you're the type to be hostile, resentful, and suspicious of someone when she's being truthful with you, you might as well drop her. Nobody needs distrust.

[R O B J.]

Well, feel free to disregard the first par of my post with speculation as to the specifics why's and what's of your situation... I do not claim absolute knowledge or understanding of women or men or any one person, including myself. But I do honestly believe I have learned through experience and the insights of others, both men and women, about approaches to making healthy decisions in one's life.

 

THAT SAID, please reread my two-step recommendation at the end of my post (just prior to Moime's). I should think that even Moime should not believe it unreasonable to pursue that course, especially when it is obviously frustrating you enough to post seek others help. Notice I suggest openly listening to her, but then allowing "your gut", or what a woman might call her intuition, to direct your decision making.

 

I see this approach as completely open , honest, respectful, fair, and ultimately necessary for your own psycho-sexual health.

 

 

R O B J.

 

very seldom do you ever see anyone on LS heed "tough love" advice, we are all pretty much slaves to our emotional needs by the time we get to posting for help on this board, but regardless of what actions/approaches you do or do not take, I would appreciate reading how this progresses for you. best luck to you both.

[R O B J.]

that's Moimeme, apologies for the error.

[dazed343]

Well its been a while since I posed this thread but I'll give you an update though it's sorta long. PLease read though.

 

As for my complaints of the sex going from 2-3 times a night for a month to 2-3 times a week, thats dropped to 1 night a week if Im lucky. I guess originally I should have giving more details about the situation.

I've been seeing her for 4 months now, moved in with her, her cousin and cousins bf. She has 2 kids already, though they only visit on the weekends. Me being 23 though and use to a life living at home rent free doing whatever at my parents, the whole situation has changed me, but not for the good really. Someone on the forums some time ago mentioned that right now is the best it's ever going to be and honestly I think Im starting to see that. The first 2 months were great in the relationship, always doing things together, lots of happy nights , just lots of affection in general but now everything has seemed to die down drastically. I don't think there is a friend or family member who thinks we should be together, but thats only because 1) she has 2 kids and 2) she still isn't devorced from her Ex husband. We never use to argue but small to mid arguments come up alot now, but there are other things that are starting to bug me now too.

Most nights of the week she gets me to put cream on her feet cause she has that restless leg syndrom and yes I know you do those sort of things out of love but alot of nights she wakes me up at 3-4am to do it. My parents are worried sick for me because they didn't want this for me and they keep reminding me what I can come home too. I think Im still there because Im worried myself that if I go back home maybe a yr from now I'll look back, still have noone and regret dumping that relationship.

Im in a bad part of the city which my parents of course love and it cost me $400 a month to travel back and forth from work. I work in my parents town.

I should also add that after about 2 months she broke things off because she thought I wasn't ready for the kids but we got back together after about 1 week. Since then though I've had tons of pressure from friends and family about this whole thing and 3-4 times now I've told her I wasn't coming back to the apartment. In all the times we talked and got back. When she originally broke it off with me I moved all my things back to my parents where it still is, I've just got my clothes and a few things brougt back to the apartment. Anyways, thats my update with some background. Cheers.

[blind_otter]

ugh, this sounds baaaaaad.

[Outcast]

Im worried myself that if I go back home maybe a yr from now I'll look back, still have noone and regret dumping that relationship.

 

It is craziness to stay with someone just because you might be alone otherwise. And it is not good for you as a grown man to go from your parents' house to someone else's house without having lived alone.

 

Leave her. Time to grow up and grow some balls. If you're alone, you're alone. It's not the worst fate in the world and will be much more pleasant than your current existence.

[dazed343]

I don't think theres a person I know that thinks I should be with her (and although I know your all gonna say "Shouldn't that tell you something?") there are a few reasons Im still there. The first is mainly as I wrote before that Im affraid of being a yr down the road now having anyone and looking back at this relationship I cut off. The second is more out of feeling obligated. See she broke it off originally because she overheard from the roommate I wasn't ready for her kids and of course as any mother would say, her kids come first. After a week though we were back together. Since that time maybe 2 months ago I've told her 3-4 times Im not coming back though each time usually the same day or next we were back. I know some will say theres not much of a foundation for a relationship there or no? My parents desperately want me to move back home telling me I can live at home rent free and actually getting time to myself. I want to move back home but I just can't reason with myself to leave either.

My dad has told me over and over I can stay there feeling obligated too but I just have to accept how my future is going to be. My mom has told me to just walk away from the place and not return for a final time because 80% of my stuff is back at my parents house from when we broke up originally. Theres another small issus to bring up aswell and thats her cousins bf who we've had to call the cops on twice because of his temper. This guy yells and scremes at his gf then they make up and next week its all over again. The conditions are crap really, I hav'nt watch tv in ages because the other three watch the only tv and what they want so I basically stay in my room. No internet, no AC and its 32c where I am. So many days I just want to go home, but then Im reminded of the loneliness and feel obligated to stay in the relationship also because of how many times I've told her Im not coming back.

[blind_otter]

You should never, ever stay with someone because you are afraid to be alone. That in and of itself is a huge problem. You can't have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship as you are now.think of it this way. Do you want to spend the rest of your days in this miserable situation? Or worse, find someone better that you are more compatible with, and still be committed to this current woman?

[Craig]

No TV

No Internet

No AC

Isolation

No Peace

No Security

Regular Visits By The Police

It's Hot

You feel obligated to stay because of how many times you've said you're not coming back!?!?

 

Sounds like a 3rd world prison for the insane.

 

Dazed, what are you getting from this situation? What are you avoiding by being in this situation? How does being in this situation work for you?

[dazed343]

It doesn't really, just I'd constantly be reminding myself of how much of a jerk I was just taking off. I felt so bad the first time we broke up I left my bed with her along with my dresser. My whole life I've alway been a people pleaser out to please her before myself. Its sorta like this: Theres her, her cousin and her cousins bf. All 3 of them never graduated highschool and although that may not matter really, both her and her cousin don't really have ambition to work. Me being the people pleaser feels obligated to stay because I feel bad for the future she may have if I leave seeing her kids on weekends with never enough money in a crumy apartment. And even though my life is turing upside down because Im there, she's happy alot which makes it hard for me to just walk away without having to feel bad for her. And although yes I can't save the world, I'd be at my parents constantly reminded of the life she is living.

[blind_otter]

Dude, you're crazy and stubborn. She's using you. Whether consciously or not. First off, no ambition to work? What kind of a person is this? She has no desire to better herself, become better educated, or even work for the money she needs to support herself and give her children a better life? That is so shameful.

 

You aren't responsible for her. She's a big girl. She should have learned how to take care of herself by now.

 

Honestly though, this is the last smidge of sympathy I'll shove your way. You're a big boy, too, and should understand by now (a) everyone is responsible for their OWN happiness and (b) you choose to be miserable, out of some misplaced idea of loyalty to someone who isn't even pulling their own weight in their OWN LIFE.

 

Good luck, buddy. With misguided, twisted logic like that -- you'll definately need it. L8tr!

[Craig]

The choices we make today determine the life we live tomorrow and any life that she finds herself living is by her choice. But you knew that already.

 

Based on the choices you are making right now what kind of life do you think you will have if things stay the same?

 

You say your life is turning upside down and she is happy alot. Does that give you any clues as to her level of respect for you? What is your level of respect for yourself? Is it less than it was?

[dazed343]

Yeh, it probably is less.

[SoftDrink]

Originally posted by dazed343

Said she has these times where she wants it all the time and then won't wan't it for a while.

 

we only started dating 2 months ago so I don't know before this. Mind games, liking the control??

 

first of all, all people, yes even men, can go through these kinds of cycles. not everyone could or should be horny 24/7.

 

second, of course you're going to have more sex at the beginning of the relationship. it's exciting and you can't get enough of each other. that's natural. it's also natural for it to tone down after some time.

 

if there's more to the problem, then yes, something might be up. but if it's just this, then take her word for it. it does happen, and there's nothing wrong with it.

 

also, pressuring someone into sex when they don't want it, or making them feel guilty for not giving it up are the two best ways to ensure there will be no action whatsoever.

[Craig]

Originally posted by dazed343

Yeh, it probably is less.

And it's going to become less and less and less unless you do something about it. No matter what you choose to do it is going to hurt. There is no escaping the pain, so you might as well embrace it. The only difference is how long the pain lasts.

 

If you don't do what you know you need to do, then one day you are going to wake up and realize you are sitting in a prison, without walls, of your own making. By then you may have a kid or two with her, your family will have given up on you and you won't have any friends. You'll just have a distant memory of great sex 2 or 3 times a day with this hot chick that turned into your nightmare (with potential.)

 

You'll be angry at her because you'll believe yourself to have been deceived and you'll be angry at yourself because you stuck with the situation.

[dazed343]

Thanks for the responses and advice. Walking away like my mom had told me isn't exactly fair though she has told me if I ever decide to break it up once more, she never wants to see me again ever. I'll go back tonight and talk to her. I'd rather that then just leaving her though it's always 100 times harder face to face because they can try and save it.

[Craig]

You don't owe her a thing dazed343. Why go back to talk to her? To make yourself feel better? To look good? There ain't no way around the pain man, ya just gotta suck it up and do it. Besides, since when is life fair?

 

I vote for not going back for a face to face. Forget your stuff, move on and stick to no contact.