Angelfirex Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 (edited) Still confused (Sorry this is so long!!) I don't usually write these things but I was curious to see a third party's opinion. So 3 months ago my boyfriend broke up with me, and I have been through other breakups before but this was different, for reasons I will explain... While in other relationships we have been intimate quite early on and things have lasted long term, this was different because we didn't sleep together until 3 months later. We're both in our twenties and for a guy I thought it was unusual that he seemed so disinterested in sex (but I wasn't complaining because I was so happy when I was with him, we always had a great time together). It was by far the best relationship I've ever been in. The first night we met, we danced, talked nonstop for hours and stayed out until everywhere had closed. Our first kiss was amazing and there was such a spark - I've never felt anything quite like with anyone else. We quickly arranged our second date and would go out with eachother regularly after this. We never argued or anything but I found it odd that he would wait 24 hours to reply to a text on whatsapp, despite 'seeing' the message when I sent it. We also never communicated about our 'status' but I was just going with the flow. In retrospect I should have said something because it was unusual, but it didn't bother me too much coz we would see each other a lot anyway. I didn't realise he was that serious about me until 2 months later when it was my birthday and he spent £70 on gifts and then took me out to a lavish meal, things had moved slow but we had really gotten to know eachother by that point without being intimate at all (apart from making out in his car). We had such a similar mindset, so many things in common like same music taste (70s music, we're both 23) I introduced him to a band and he'd always listen to them, had long chats about anything and everything, there was so much chemistry, had the same sense of humour, it seemed so perfect and he was like my best friend. He was always really keen to see me and go out with me, complimented me loads, spoilt me, always paid for drinks/meals out and finally he introduced me to his parents/friends about 2 and a half months later, and I started going to his gigs (he was in a local band)... And then I met his band mates girlfriends and after a few drinks I mentioned that we hadn't slept together yet, and they found it unusual considering it had been 3 months and we'd been on about 20 dates by this point but never actually spent the night together. So after the gig and asked him about it when it was just the two of us, he was sober and started acting defensively, Id never seen him like that before - he was usually really lovely to me - but i noticed he acted different (cynical/miserable) around everyone else he already knew. I never even suspected this until when we finally did sleep together, he lost his erection a few times so that caused a few problems, and his behaviour completely changed after this night. Other things were that he loved watching TV soaps, was really into his facial care, was quite emotional, went the gym a lot, would disappear and be unpredictable replying on what'sapp because he was always busy, never invited me to gigs until months later, had a gay friend he sometimes went on nights out with in town, was friends with a lot of older men (his dad's friends, his dad's in a band too), and all the comments on his Facebook from people joking that he's gay (but I just thought it was banter). But part of me doesn't believe he is gay... even though it all seems to add up, why would he have dated me and seemed so keen? He also had an ex girlfriend who had broke his heart, there was pics of them on Facebook from a few years ago and he told me I was the only other girlfriend he's ever had. Anyway a week later his parents had gone on holiday so he asked if I wanted to stay over (he had hardly spoke all week compared to usual) and then he picked me up as he usually did, made me dinner, was really attentive and cuddled/watched TV with me all night but then we went to bed and something was a bit strange. I went to brush my teeth and came back to the room to him in his pjs, lying in bed with the cover over himself, looking at me with a sheepish look on his face, I then got in the bed with him fully clothed, we started kissing and then he started breathing heavily and stopped, saying 'I can't do it sorry'... I thought he was joking, or he meant he couldn't be intimate... Not breaking up though, because literally nothing had happened and everything was going so well! But he then started explaining himself saying he couldn't commit (despite only being with me and making an effort all the time the past 3 months), saying he's got to focus on the band, it's not you its me, he couldn't understand it because I 'ticked all the boxes' and said all the things he loved about me, all his friends/family liked me and everyone we knew was so happy for us, I'd made him so happy etc. (It was the nicest anyone has ever been in a breakup, he was so apologetic and I've never felt angry about him despite the fact it ended) But he said something 'didn't feel right', he said he didn't want to let me go and was hoping something would click but it didn't... I just don't understand because it was so out the blue, literally a week before he'd been making all kinds of plans with me to go on holiday and go to a football game together etc. I know he might have had problems and I had anxiety, but I'd hoped we would communicate these and grow together because it can't be perfect 24/7. We sat there from about midnight til 4am having an emotional chat, something we'd never had before, but it was for all the wrong reasons. He said he still wanted to stay friends because he said I was lovely. I was devastated and in tears the whole time, I was so confused. He dropped me off home and I've not spoken to him in person since. I felt lonely a week after he breakup and had texted him, and he was really friendly in his reply, and then I wanted to meet up but he didn't feel ready/still felt raw about things. So I did no contact for a month and this helped so much, but then when I messaged him on whatsapp he just seemed completely disinterested even in being friends - he said we should cut contact and I didn't reply, and he has since deleted me. It's weird because the relationship impacted me so much and I do still love him, but I am in a much happier place as I was going through a really bad time when I met him, yet I don't have any anxiety anymore, I'm more in touch with my spiritual side and things are a lot better - I just miss him so much. I know he's not with anyone else or as were still friends on Facebook despite NC and the night we broke up he'd said there wasnt anyone else/he wasn't interested in meeting anyone in the first place because this was all so out of character for him. I don't plan to talk at any point in the future, but I am writing this in the hope of gaining some clarity as I'm still baffled by this breakup... Thanks for reading x Edited August 26, 2015 by Angelfirex
ExpatInItaly Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 He's struggling with something. Before you'd even mentioned your thoughts about his sexuality, that popped into my mind too. If that is indeed the case, he was likely trying to suppress that by putting in an effort with you. That might not be it; perhaps he just realized he didn't feel the right type of chemistry with you and couldn't lead you on anymore. Whatever the case may be, don't dwell on it too much. I doubt it was anything personal.
mystikmind2005 Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Aside from the gay possibility,, performance anxiety can hit men pretty damn hard - and if that is the case, then it won't just be about you, it will also be an ongoing issue from past relationships, this i guarantee. Really, he needs professional help but that will never happen because this guy is a runner from his problems, and while he has the mindset to do that, sorry, nothing can be done, NEXT!
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