Author No_Go Posted August 27, 2015 Author Posted August 27, 2015 Elaine, in your experience is there a way to distinguish between protective and controlling behaviors. I see what you're trying to say (I had such an example in my own family so I am very familiar with a full-blown controlling behavior), however, so far I'm not that concerned... it could be I'm misjudging the situation, but I feel like he is just trying to show me he's better in reading people (at least he thinks so ) rather than isolate me (because many of the arguments are also targeted towards people in his own life, that I don't even know directly) Agreed, being "protective" can be a double edged sword. Are his actions the actions of a genuine person just looking out for you, or is he in fact trying to isolate you from friends, acquaintances and relatives? At 6 months, men who are controlling or even abusive can start making their move. They realise they have now got you hooked, in that you now "love" them, so it is time to jettison the Mr Nice Guy, it is now time to set some rules as to how they see the relationship going forward. Placing himself between YOU and those friends/co-workers/relatives who are supposedly "using" you, can make him seem like he is looking out for you, but his real intention is to sour the relationship between you and them, in favour of himself. He may be openly hostile against them or he will make it so awkward for you to remain friends with people, he sees as having a bad agenda and not having your back, that you tend to spend less time with them. He pecks and pecks away at your friendships. In this way he isolates you, so one day you look around for your friends and you realise you have none, each one "did you wrong" so needed "discarded", and that only leaves him... My radar is on here, because... why is he getting so involved with the relationships you have with other people, to the extent of continuously arguing with you about them? MidwestUSA is right, tread cautiously.
losangelena Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 I think when I complain repetitively of a given situation or person, my bf automatically assumes that I'm asking him to take action (not the case, I like to share things just to unwind). Protective or controlling - I'm still trying to determine that. I guess only time can tell. Well, men typically are more action-oriented. If you present him with a problem, he will likely try and find a solution. That's his way of being helpful. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 So stop. State your piece. Listen to his. Then say, that's an interesting take on it. I never thought about that. I'll have to consider it. Then change the subject. Just because he reached a conclusion that is different from yours doesn't mean you have to debate it to the point of exhaustion (your word). It seems obvious to me that you aren't going to change each others minds. The above response isn't a one size fits all thing but you do need to find ways to diffuse the "debate." For example with respect to your roommate & the lights, I would have said, "That is so sweet of you to want to champion me. I really love that about you but I don't need a white knight. I need a sympathetic ear. You can't just by a text. She & I will be fine. So where do you want to have dinner?" If he continued to want to talk about it, you repeat, "It's fine. I don't want to talk about it any more." If those techniques don't work you have to consider that he may simply be an irascible person. 1
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