Frequent arguments

[No_Go]

I noticed that me and my BF are arguing quite frequently recently. Nothing "dramatic", but we seem to find many points of disagreements in regular conversations discussing attitude to friends, work, health etc.

 

As a background: I don't think we argued even once in the first 2-3 months. Month 3-4: we argued occasionally on things, nothing heated. Now we're at the 5-6 month, and it is almost every other date. Is that normal "development" of a relationship, or I should be concerned?

[carhill]

How do the disagreements resolve? Any patterns?

[Gary S]

Hmmm..........sounds like either somebody's love level dropped a little bit, or somebody cut back on their acting.

 

Just so you know, some of the best couples only have a handful of arguments per year.

[losangelena]

Hmmm..........sounds like either somebody's love level dropped a little bit, or somebody cut back on their acting.

 

Just so you know, some of the best couples only have a handful of arguments per year.

 

And I would argue (no pun intended) that some of the best couples argue all the time.

 

I think it just depends on the content and the nature of the arguing.

 

Are you arguing about small, frivolous things, or big things? Also, are you "good natured" in your arguing? Do you keep respect for each other, or are your arguments nasty ones where you call each other names?

 

I don't personally think disagreements are bad. Opposing views don't necessarily mean you're incompatible. As Gary said, maybe one of you is just getting a bit more real. What becomes a problem is when one party or the other (or both) can't find common ground or have mutual respect for each other during/after the argument is over.

[Tobin]

Be concerned.

 

There are problems here.

[Satu]

Too much ego.

 

Too much wanting to be right.

 

Not enough non - judgemental listening.

 

Too much "you," and not enough "we."

 

Give it up and exchange sweetness.

[No_Go]

Yeah, usually it is in the car on the way home - we talk a "little" (1-2 h) longer in the parking lot, then usually he calls later to talk a bit more, and apologize we continued the conversation for too long.

 

Just to clarify: these are not name-calling nasty arguments, just we have different opinions and each of us tries to defend theirs to the extent it gets annoying

 

How do the disagreements resolve? Any patterns?

[No_Go]

I guess it is the later haha, I wouldn't call it acting, but omission - I'm kind of relieved to be honest that we're expressing opinions, I'm concerned with the frequency though. I'm aware that healthy couples do not argue that frequently, I'm just wondering can this be just a stage of getting to know each other... Maybe I should just wait a few more months to know that? (e.g. if it goes down - it was a "stage", if it goes up - incompatibility)

 

Hmmm..........sounds like either somebody's love level dropped a little bit, or somebody cut back on their acting.

 

Just so you know, some of the best couples only have a handful of arguments per year.

[Diezel]

If you're asking, does it mean you might want an "out"?

[No_Go]

I need to emphasize there are no personal attacks, let alone name calling or insults.

 

It is most often disagreement how to react to a particular situation in life. And trying to defend our opinions to the extreme. Almost like trying to win an argument. I have no idea how we end up doing it so often, but it is exhausting.

 

I feel like it stems from searching for balance of dominance. Also my bf is one level more protective than my comfort level (e.g. if I share a situation that he considers me being used/manipulated, he'll totally "shame" the person who did it, and I'll try to search for motifs why they acted that way. This is actually the nature of 90% of our arguments).

 

And I would argue (no pun intended) that some of the best couples argue all the time.

 

I think it just depends on the content and the nature of the arguing.

 

Are you arguing about small, frivolous things, or big things? Also, are you "good natured" in your arguing? Do you keep respect for each other, or are your arguments nasty ones where you call each other names?

 

I don't personally think disagreements are bad. Opposing views don't necessarily mean you're incompatible. As Gary said, maybe one of you is just getting a bit more real. What becomes a problem is when one party or the other (or both) can't find common ground or have mutual respect for each other during/after the argument is over.

[carhill]

Do the same disagreements get visited repeatedly or do the resolutions stick and each party moves on?

[empresario]

I noticed that me and my BF are arguing quite frequently recently. Nothing "dramatic", but we seem to find many points of disagreements in regular conversations discussing attitude to friends, work, health etc.

 

As a background: I don't think we argued even once in the first 2-3 months. Month 3-4: we argued occasionally on things, nothing heated. Now we're at the 5-6 month, and it is almost every other date. Is that normal "development" of a relationship, or I should be concerned?

 

I've been in relationships where we fought ever day, and those where we never once even got heated. I don't think one was healthier than the other...AS LONG AS THINGS ARE RESOLVED.

 

I don't mind fighting. I really don't. Often times it keeps passion alive and makes sure both people are being fulfilled in the relationship.

 

When I hate it, is when I leave the conversation still upset. That is what makes it unhealthy.

 

--

 

This reminds me of an article I read years ago on the '3 fighting styles'. There are those that yell, those that have rational discussions, and those that ignore the problem. They say ideally you should be with someone that has the same fighting style as you. None the them are wrong...they just play best with their own kind.

[No_Go]

The first one. Same arguments for different situations (but similar in the core).

 

Do the same disagreements get visited repeatedly or do the resolutions stick and each party moves on?

[No_Go]

We're exactly in that pattern: frequent but never heated. And still I feel like there are unresolved issues, because the same conversations repeat.

 

I've been in relationships where we fought ever day, and those where we never once even got heated. I don't think one was healthier than the other...AS LONG AS THINGS ARE RESOLVED.

 

I don't mind fighting. I really don't. Often times it keeps passion alive and makes sure both people are being fulfilled in the relationship.

 

When I hate it, is when I leave the conversation still upset. That is what makes it unhealthy.

 

--

 

This reminds me of an article I read years ago on the '3 fighting styles'. There are those that yell, those that have rational discussions, and those that ignore the problem. They say ideally you should be with someone that has the same fighting style as you. None the them are wrong...they just play best with their own kind.

[losangelena]

I need to emphasize there are no personal attacks, let alone name calling or insults.

 

It is most often disagreement how to react to a particular situation in life. And trying to defend our opinions to the extreme. Almost like trying to win an argument. I have no idea how we end up doing it so often, but it is exhausting.

 

I feel like it stems from searching for balance of dominance. Also my bf is one level more protective than my comfort level (e.g. if I share a situation that he considers me being used/manipulated, he'll totally "shame" the person who did it, and I'll try to search for motifs why they acted that way. This is actually the nature of 90% of our arguments).

 

Can you give like a really concrete example of something you fight about? I still feel a bit vague about that. These are not arguments ABOUT your relationship ("why do you do this??"), but about how you each see things in the world ("he should act this way; this person is so bad because ..."), right?

 

I tend to drop arguments like this and see it as a "we don't see eye-to-eye" kind of thing. This might sound like a silly example, but last night, BF and I got on the topic of the Kardashians (as one inevitably does), and he referred to Klhoe Kardashian as "a whale." I kept saying, "she's not a whale. She's tall, and she's very tall relative to her sisters, and that's why she looks so big. On the spectrum of human body types, she is not big." His response was, "no she's a whale."

 

I thought the whole thing was a bit immature of him, but I didn't know if he seriously thinks she's so huge to call her a whale or if she was joking. I personally don't like for a woman's size to be mentioned as a negative mark against her, no matter how small or large, but I also knew that getting to the bottom of that argument was just going to be a tiring, frustrating mess, so I just backed off.

 

Regardless, I don't think that what you and your BF are doing is strange or unhealthy. I'm curious as to why you're asking about it—do YOU feel bad about it? Does it make you think of him differently?

 

How are things going in general? How are money talks and family issues going?

[carhill]

20's age group?

 

Speaking for yourself, how were disagreements approached and resolved in your FOO (family of origin)?

 

I'm asking questions because it appears communication styles are central to your questions and I am remembering how our MC focused on communication styles during the year or so we went to MC. He asked a lot of questions to gain clarity on our styles of interacting and problem resolution.

[Ruby Slippers]

Now we're at the 5-6 month, and it is almost every other date.

I've heard, and observed, that the 6-month point tends to be the make or break time in a new relationship. It's when both of you are trying to figure out if it's worth it to continue or not. So it makes sense to me that your arguments are intensifying at this time, as it's make or break time.

 

A wise man (Dale Carnegie) once said that nobody ever wins an argument, and the only way to win is to avoid the fight entirely. The "winner" gets a fleeting moment of ego gratification, and the "loser" keeps the same opinions and resents the winner.

 

I argue way less about everything than I used to. Now I realize that things are as they are, people are as they are, and arguing is basically wasted energy. I love a good debate, and it's fine if debates get passionate, but angry arguments where each is trying to prove that they're right are, in my opinion, a waste of energy.

 

And trying to defend our opinions to the extreme. Almost like trying to win an argument. I have no idea how we end up doing it so often, but it is exhausting.

This is an ego battle. Your ego is all your ideas about who you are, what you believe, how you define yourself. With age and experience, you start to realize that who you are and what you believe is fluid, and it's not really you - just the ideas and thoughts that flow through you. Anytime you need to prove that your ideas and beliefs are superior to anyone else's, that's your ego talking.

 

I feel like it stems from searching for balance of dominance.

More ego. I've also learned that, in general, men take longer to get a grip on their own ego than women. Not in all cases, of course, but in general. Men need to feel "right", superior, more than women do. In general. I think it's part of feeling like a man, the leader, respected, trusted. So even in areas where I know I'm stronger than my man, I try not to step on his toes by showing him up. Most men just cannot handle that, even highly accomplished and intelligent men.

 

Even if you disagree with your partner, you can disagree respectfully - that is, agree to disagree. Something like, "I see it differently, but I respect your point of view and thank you for helping me look at things from another perspective."

 

At the core, what we all want most is to be understood. So in these arguments with your boyfriend, make sure you're communicating that you understand his point of view and respect it. I think you'll find that when you do this, he'll automatically loosen his grip and show more understanding and respect to your opinions as well.

[MidwestUSA]

Also my bf is one level more protective than my comfort level (e.g. if I share a situation that he considers me being used/manipulated, he'll totally "shame" the person who did it, and I'll try to search for motifs why they acted that way. This is actually the nature of 90% of our arguments).

 

This jumped off the page at me. There's a line between protective and controlling. 90%?

 

Are you able to 'defend' yourself against those 'using' you, or is this something he's blowing out of proportion? The fact that he's beyond your comfort level tells me you need to tread cautiously. Very cautiously.

[elaine567]

This jumped off the page at me. There's a line between protective and controlling. 90%?

 

Are you able to 'defend' yourself against those 'using' you, or is this something he's blowing out of proportion? The fact that he's beyond your comfort level tells me you need to tread cautiously. Very cautiously.

 

Agreed, being "protective" can be a double edged sword.

Are his actions the actions of a genuine person just looking out for you, or is he in fact trying to isolate you from friends, acquaintances and relatives?

At 6 months, men who are controlling or even abusive can start making their move.

They realise they have now got you hooked, in that you now "love" them, so it is time to jettison the Mr Nice Guy, it is now time to set some rules as to how they see the relationship going forward.

Placing himself between YOU and those friends/co-workers/relatives who are supposedly "using" you, can make him seem like he is looking out for you, but his real intention is to sour the relationship between you and them, in favour of himself.

He may be openly hostile against them or he will make it so awkward for you to remain friends with people, he sees as having a bad agenda and not having your back, that you tend to spend less time with them. He pecks and pecks away at your friendships.

In this way he isolates you, so one day you look around for your friends and you realise you have none, each one "did you wrong" so needed "discarded", and that only leaves him...

 

My radar is on here, because... why is he getting so involved with the relationships you have with other people, to the extent of continuously arguing with you about them?

MidwestUSA is right, tread cautiously.

[No_Go]

Sure, recent examples:

*my roommate snapped at me over text for leaving the lights off while the house was empty. I tried to defend her that she overreacted because she was afraid that someone will break in but he saw her texts as nearly abusive, violating boundaries etc. Technically he was defending me, but he went too far with "demonizing" her, so I virtually turned into her "defender" in a long convo.

*someone that he works with cheated with her results, yet people forgive her in his opinion because she was manipulative. We entered a long convo regarding manipulative people getting easy in life, I tried to de-convolute her coworkers particular actions (isolated occasion vs pattern of behaviors).

 

Haha, if I take your Chloe Kardashian example, if we were the people in the conversation, we'd easily spin this into a genetics vs fitness discussion. But non of us will stop spinning early enough like you did.

 

I do not feel bad about arguing itself (well, I feel tired from it sometimes), I'm just worried it is a sign that the things are not progressing right (too fast? too slow?). I also feel guilty that I'm more prone to get into arguments than usual because I have other problems recently (work related).

 

Else I'm getting more comfortable wit him recently. We definitely communicate more (haha maybe that's why we also argue more). I'm very open to him, and I think he's starting to get more open as well. I was digging into something that was not fitting from his past, it seems like it boils down to an unreciprocated love story... which he was not comfortable sharing for a long time, but I'm glad he did, it made me feel closer to him.

 

Money-wise, I start telling him when I think we're overspending, and so far, this is a winning strategy. I think we're toning the spending down... But still, so far we were averaging at ~$100/week each of us, (which may not be extreme considering that we have 4-5 meals together and 1-2 events/week), but it is not sustainable for long term dating. We discussed long-term goals, and seems we agree on final goals, but he focuses more on current, and I focus more on future (e.g. he thinks of spending for better furniture now, I'm thinking better save it for the time after I own a house).

 

The other concern of mine, that he fills up our time with events to reduce the time for uncomfortable conversations, I'm afraid is true. Now when we go out less, we talk more - and here it goes - arguments in stead of movies, concerts etc (at least I feel he processes it this way)

 

With the family meet, we backed up for now, it is honestly 99% a problem between me and my family, not between me and him, and I think he understands it now. Still, I'll need to rip the bandaid sooner than later because I feel like I'm living a double life, but I need to process how to do that.

 

And still a lingering issue is my housing situation. After I posted here about the issues between my bf and roommate, we had many conversations about it, but he is still not open to communicate with her. In the rare occasions in which he "volunteered" to hang out in my house, I noticed he was nervous that she'll come to talk to us. Nevertheless, he got mindful that I need to spend time home, and that I miss my cat, and he's trying to befriend my cat ... But in long term, new house I think is the only clean solution - he's too stubborn about this issue, and my roommate is not helping it either (she's very bossy and unpredictably snapping).

 

Can you give like a really concrete example of something you fight about? I still feel a bit vague about that. These are not arguments ABOUT your relationship ("why do you do this??"), but about how you each see things in the world ("he should act this way; this person is so bad because ..."), right?

 

I tend to drop arguments like this and see it as a "we don't see eye-to-eye" kind of thing. This might sound like a silly example, but last night, BF and I got on the topic of the Kardashians (as one inevitably does), and he referred to Klhoe Kardashian as "a whale." I kept saying, "she's not a whale. She's tall, and she's very tall relative to her sisters, and that's why she looks so big. On the spectrum of human body types, she is not big." His response was, "no she's a whale."

 

I thought the whole thing was a bit immature of him, but I didn't know if he seriously thinks she's so huge to call her a whale or if she was joking. I personally don't like for a woman's size to be mentioned as a negative mark against her, no matter how small or large, but I also knew that getting to the bottom of that argument was just going to be a tiring, frustrating mess, so I just backed off.

 

Regardless, I don't think that what you and your BF are doing is strange or unhealthy. I'm curious as to why you're asking about it—do YOU feel bad about it? Does it make you think of him differently?

 

How are things going in general? How are money talks and family issues going?

[MidwestUSA]

Sure, recent examples:

*my roommate snapped at me over text for leaving the lights off while the house was empty. I tried to defend her that she overreacted because she was afraid that someone will break in but he saw her texts as nearly abusive, violating boundaries etc. Technically he was defending me, but he went too far with "demonizing" her, so I virtually turned into her "defender"

 

Wow, an argument over something so trivial? Obviously, you know best how to deal with your roommate's snappiness.

 

Imagine a REAL issue, and magnify the argument. Honestly, I don't like the sound of this. At all.

 

Best wishes.

[No_Go]

30's.

 

Oh, my FOO was pretty bad in conflict resolution. No negotiation, either shutting up completely (mother) or getting extremely confrontational (father). To my knowledge my BF had similar situation with roles reversed. So we both can't rely on family example unfortunately.

 

20's age group?

 

Speaking for yourself, how were disagreements approached and resolved in your FOO (family of origin)?

 

I'm asking questions because it appears communication styles are central to your questions and I am remembering how our MC focused on communication styles during the year or so we went to MC. He asked a lot of questions to gain clarity on our styles of interacting and problem resolution.

[No_Go]

I feel exactly that - we will either go through this milestone and the things will improve a lot, or we will break it being unable to communicate.

 

Thanks for the advice communication, I'll try to get it into action.

 

I've heard, and observed, that the 6-month point tends to be the make or break time in a new relationship. It's when both of you are trying to figure out if it's worth it to continue or not. So it makes sense to me that your arguments are intensifying at this time, as it's make or break time.

[No_Go]

I think when I complain repetitively of a given situation or person, my bf automatically assumes that I'm asking him to take action (not the case, I like to share things just to unwind).

 

Protective or controlling - I'm still trying to determine that. I guess only time can tell.

 

This jumped off the page at me. There's a line between protective and controlling. 90%?

 

Are you able to 'defend' yourself against those 'using' you, or is this something he's blowing out of proportion? The fact that he's beyond your comfort level tells me you need to tread cautiously. Very cautiously.

[No_Go]

Haha in his defense the roommate example is part not isolated one, I guess the repetitiveness makes him overreact (and my naiveness to share with him that she suggested me to break up with him early on in our dating...).

 

Still, I'm not off-guard for the very reason that you pointed out: "Imagine a REAL issue, and magnify the argument."

 

Wow, an argument over something so trivial? Obviously, you know best how to deal with your roommate's snappiness.

 

Imagine a REAL issue, and magnify the argument. Honestly, I don't like the sound of this. At all.

 

Best wishes.