How to delicately tell your partner they are getting fat

[deadelvis]

I'm sure this has been brought up before. My girlfriend was a model, she weighed about 110 lbs. She stopped modelling and went up to 120 lbs. I think she looked best around 120 lbs. In the past year she went from 120 lbs. to (she claims) 145 lbs (I'm guessing it's more, she's getting pretty chubby). There's no polite way to say it, she's starting to look really fat. We've been together for 6 months and she's gotten significantly fatter just since we've been dating. None of her clothes fit anymore... She used to work out 1-2 hours per day when she was a model. Now she has health problems, side effects from prescriptions and a terrible diet. Yesterday I watched her eat around 3 pints of ice-cream. I ate about a pint and felt physically sick to my stomach...

 

I've been going to the gym and trying to get her to come with me but she say's she's not able to because of her physical health problems. I cook us healthy food when possible but all she wants to eat is pizza and other garbage. And I can't cook all her meals since I work full time to support us. She doesn't work due to her health problems and she just lays in bed watching TV and eating junk food.

 

I love her and I am still attracted to her even though she's now 25-30 lbs overweight.

 

But it's starting to bother me. She's now officially the fattest person I've ever had sex with. I don't understand how she could let herself go. It makes me sad to see her pictures from when she was a model because it's such a huge difference from her current figure. I'm sure it must be difficult for her too.

 

I thought about printing up some of her bikini pictures from about 1-2 years ago and sticking them on the fridge. But maybe that's not the best way to go about things.

 

I don't want to make her feel bad about herself, but seeing a woman who was an absolute perfect 10 knockout slowly drowning herself in ice-cream is not exactly what I hoped for when we started dating. She was about 10 lbs overweight then but she talked a lot about going to the gym together and getting her old figure back. Clearly the opposite has happened.

 

Sometimes when we have sex it's hard for me not to notice her "new curves" and feel disgusted by it. I'm not one for "fat-shaming" but I tend to date really fit women and it's been a struggle for me to not lose attraction as I watch her blowing up.

 

What can I do about this? It's her body and her choices. I am trying to be a good example but she doesn't seem to notice that I'm getting in better shape every day and she's getting in worse shape every day.

 

Btw. I'm 33 and she's 30. I'm not super muscular or anything, but I look pretty good with my clothes off. She used to have a perfect body less than 2 years ago. Now she doesn't even look like the same person.

[fitnessfan365]

It's ironic. She says she can't exercise because of "physical health problems". But they're most likely being caused by her piss poor diet and lack of exercise. So if she'd cut back on the junk food to once a week in moderation, eat healthier/drink more water, and start moving more, she'd probably feel better.

 

Even if you could just get her to go on walks and extended hikes with you at first it'd be better than nothing. My guess is that since she hasn't trained for awhile, the idea of going to the gym is probably intimidating to her. So that's why just getting her outside and moving in general more would help change her mindset.

[MidwestUSA]

You know, since you posted about having 'fixed' this relationship, you've started threads about her only wanting sex in the middle of the might, her farting in bed, and now this.

 

You realize she has a health/drug problem, obviously. I'm not certified to comment on the need for all the meds she's on, but she's certainly dependent on them, if not addicted.

 

She has a long life ahead of her, and I hope she finds some better coping measures than what she's using now.

 

I'll leave the chubby issue to others. I don't know of a good approach; she'll change only when she decides it's time to change.

 

Meanwhile, what is the upside to this R?

[deadelvis]

You know, since you posted about having 'fixed' this relationship, you've started threads about her only wanting sex in the middle of the might, her farting in bed, and now this.

 

You realize she has a health/drug problem, obviously. I'm not certified to comment on the need for all the meds she's on, but she's certainly dependent on them, if not addicted.

 

She has a long life ahead of her, and I hope she finds some better coping measures than what she's using now.

 

I'll leave the chubby issue to others. I don't know of a good approach; she'll change only when she decides it's time to change.

 

Meanwhile, what is the upside to this R?

 

Her farting in bed is the upside.

[MidwestUSA]

I should add, ADs put weight on almost everyone who takes them. Pain killers kill motivation.

 

It is a really vicious cycle.

[Omei]

Do not post pictures on the fridge !!!

 

Just be honest with how you feel.....

 

The reality is there no way you can say this truth to her while avoiding any aftermath, she will be saddened, defensive or think you find her unnatractive.

 

She may take your comments into consideration or tell you to screw yourself and get upset.

 

there just isnt going to be a way to tell her and have her smile and say okay dear.

 

Ps this sounds like the start of depression if shes no longer doing the things she uses to love like modeling and the gym and working and is giving that up to eat and watch tv she may have larger issues than how large shes getting.

 

Also just because you tell her shes getting bigger might not necessarily mean she will lose the weight either she has to want to do that for herself.

[casey.lives]

you don't. beauty fades.. people change and you are to stay loving them. nobody stays 17 forever.

[abby_tx]

I haven't read any of your other threads, but from what little you say here it sounds like depression. She was a thin, 'perfect 10' young model. Now she's 30 (an age many women find hard to accept and possibly harder for someone whose career was based on her looks) and no longer fit to be a model. That's probably a hard pill to swallow.

 

Do NOT put the bikini pics up. If you did that to me, I'd probably dump you. Maybe have a serious conversation where you tell her you're genuinely worried about her health and you can stand by and watch her deteriorate. What kind of future do you see with her? Are you both looking to get married and have kids eventually?

[deadelvis]

She does have serious health problems, even just cleaning up the house or cooking dinner leaves her in crippling pain for hours, so I understand not wanting to hit the gym. She's talked about coming to the gym with me and swimming since it's low impact.

 

But the junk food thing is over the top.

 

She was really depressed over the health issues during the year or so before we started dating but she's been really happy since we got together. I don't think it's depression... part of me thinks she's got the attitude of "well, I found a keeper, no point in staying sexy... can I get a supersized double order of deep fried, sugar coated lard nuggets?"

[Omei]

<moderator removed other poster's disparaging quoted post>

 

keep it simple....because no matter what like I said she aint coming out of this with a smile you cannot avoid her hurt feelings on this one.

 

 

Simply say "I still care for you and love you but your gaining weight has me worried I might become less attracted"

 

Now see how I started with a positive and also used "become" instead of already saying you're not attracted that is prob the nicest way you're gonna be able to put it. AGAIN you cannot tell her this and avoid any result of course she will be somewhat upset.

Edited August 27, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[abby_tx]

Oh one last thing I wanted to mention. I started getting more serious about working out while dating my 'dad bod' boyfriend (now ex). Seeing me get more fit inspired him to join a gym. He ended up losing 20 pounds and I didn't have to say a thing.

[No_Go]

OP, I'm not taking sides but EVERY time I've entered a serious relationship, I've gained some pounds... I don't know how to call this "phenomenon", I'm just pointing it out that it is not unusual thing.

 

Now that she's more "established" with you, she'll probably take care for her own weight more.

 

Trust me, since she's been a model before, she KNOWS that she gained weight and she IS self-conscious about it, telling you or not

(in my current relationship I gained from 125 to 135 and I feel like a pig, I'm not telling that to my bf obviously, but I'm planning to lose these "curves"; again, as a former model I bet money your GF plans to take care of herself, and is more concerned from her weight gain than you are)

 

 

I'm sure this has been brought up before. My girlfriend was a model, she weighed about 110 lbs. She stopped modelling and went up to 120 lbs. I think she looked best around 120 lbs. In the past year she went from 120 lbs. to (she claims) 145 lbs (I'm guessing it's more, she's getting pretty chubby). There's no polite way to say it, she's starting to look really fat. We've been together for 6 months and she's gotten significantly fatter just since we've been dating. None of her clothes fit anymore... She used to work out 1-2 hours per day when she was a model. Now she has health problems, side effects from prescriptions and a terrible diet. Yesterday I watched her eat around 3 pints of ice-cream. I ate about a pint and felt physically sick to my stomach...

 

I've been going to the gym and trying to get her to come with me but she say's she's not able to because of her physical health problems. I cook us healthy food when possible but all she wants to eat is pizza and other garbage. And I can't cook all her meals since I work full time to support us. She doesn't work due to her health problems and she just lays in bed watching TV and eating junk food.

 

I love her and I am still attracted to her even though she's now 25-30 lbs overweight.

 

But it's starting to bother me. She's now officially the fattest person I've ever had sex with. I don't understand how she could let herself go. It makes me sad to see her pictures from when she was a model because it's such a huge difference from her current figure. I'm sure it must be difficult for her too.

 

I thought about printing up some of her bikini pictures from about 1-2 years ago and sticking them on the fridge. But maybe that's not the best way to go about things.

 

I don't want to make her feel bad about herself, but seeing a woman who was an absolute perfect 10 knockout slowly drowning herself in ice-cream is not exactly what I hoped for when we started dating. She was about 10 lbs overweight then but she talked a lot about going to the gym together and getting her old figure back. Clearly the opposite has happened.

 

Sometimes when we have sex it's hard for me not to notice her "new curves" and feel disgusted by it. I'm not one for "fat-shaming" but I tend to date really fit women and it's been a struggle for me to not lose attraction as I watch her blowing up.

 

What can I do about this? It's her body and her choices. I am trying to be a good example but she doesn't seem to notice that I'm getting in better shape every day and she's getting in worse shape every day.

 

Btw. I'm 33 and she's 30. I'm not super muscular or anything, but I look pretty good with my clothes off. She used to have a perfect body less than 2 years ago. Now she doesn't even look like the same person.

[deadelvis]

I mean... she is really attractive and gets hit on constantly... I am still very attracted to her. But the speed at which she's gaining weight is alarming. Like I said... in the past six months I bet she's gained 15-20 lbs and she's pretty small so it really shows...

[Gary S]

You did the right thing by trying to get her to exercise with you.

 

If she really has health issues which prevent her form dieting and exercise, there might be nothing you can do?

 

If it's just an excuse, and since you have tried the nice way, you might try tough love.........cut off romance/affection/sex (but never respect or trust)........when she says, "What's wrong?", maybe then she'll be ready to really listen and change. For best results, sometimes it has to be their own idea to change.

[Versacehottie]

You know, since you posted about having 'fixed' this relationship, you've started threads about her only wanting sex in the middle of the might, her farting in bed, and now this.

 

You realize she has a health/drug problem, obviously. I'm not certified to comment on the need for all the meds she's on, but she's certainly dependent on them, if not addicted.

 

She has a long life ahead of her, and I hope she finds some better coping measures than what she's using now.

 

I'll leave the chubby issue to others. I don't know of a good approach; she'll change only when she decides it's time to change.

 

Meanwhile, what is the upside to this R?

 

The first thing I thought of when I read the latest issue you have with your gf is that her weight gain, unlike a lot of other people, is just another symptom of her addictive personality. She lacks impulse control. And it comes out one way or another (sleeping with all sorts of people, now that she's mellowed out with you the pills and overeating). That said, your comments about your feelings on her weight sound again like a really unhealthy view of her and symptomatic of your dysfunctional relationship.

 

If she was a real model (i don't think she was based on our other posts about), she is at least 5'7"-5'8" minimum and 145 would not look or be overweight at all. I think she did nude or porn "modeling", right? So she could be anywhere from 5'0" to 5'6" if she is looking chubby. Taller than that and you are just being too much. She's not modeling anymore so let it go if you love her vs wanting to possess her. 5'5'-5'6", you are probably being overly harsh but she could get healthier and drop a few. Shorter than that and she needs to drop some more. I could give you some advice about weight loss and health and motivation as it relates to it but I think her real problem is mental and addictive and that I don't know how to help. To me, the weight gain she has is clearly related to things much bigger than what other overweight people deal with.

[xxoo]

Yesterday I watched her eat around 3 pints of ice-cream. I ate about a pint and felt physically sick to my stomach...

 

Have you ever asked her about this kind of eating habit? If anyone in my house at that poorly, I'd have a talk with them and try to figure out the source of that bingeing.

 

Talk about concerns regarding diet and exercise. The weight gain is a symptom of unhealthy lifestyle. Focus on healthy living, not appearance.

[Versacehottie]

oops, it wouldn't let me add this: she sounds like she's bingeing. Not to say she has an eating disorder but a lot of times people have destructive behavior, do impulsive things (like the sex stuff you have mentioned before) and binge as well. She may be doing her best to keep the other stuff at bay but it surfaces with her eating.

[RecentChange]

I haven't read your other threads so I don't know the back story.... But she obviously has something going on, this sounds like a mental health issue.

 

3 pints of ice cream!?! Holy **** - I am a chubbier girl and I wouldn't ever dream of eating so much, and doubt that I could! That is some serious binge eating. Not healthy, not normal.

 

Neither is the amount of weight she is putting on so quickly, very unhealthy.

 

I wouldn't approach this from the "look you are getting fat and I hardly want to bang you any more" angle.

 

She know she is getting fat - she knows, you don't have to remind her.

 

If you actually care about her - I would approach this from the "you don't seem happy and I really want to know if there is someway I can help" angle.

 

If someone knows how to take care of their body - and jut stops doing it, usually it is do to depression, low self esteem / low self worth etc.

 

I am willing to bet she hates what she is doing I herself, but for some reason is too emotionally crippled to stop herself.

 

This should be about loving her, and trying to get her to love herself, because right now she doesn't. A picture on the frig isn't going to fix anything

Edited August 26, 2015 by RecentChange

[losangelena]

In brief, there is no delicate way to bring this up. She will immediately get defensive. Also, she already knows it's a problem, I assure you.

 

I think you're within your rights to not like it or to be concerned. You may not like it, but her weight gain has nothing to do with you—as in, she's not going to lose it because you want her to. She'll lose it when she's ready.

 

My responses in bold:

 

My girlfriend was a model, she weighed about 110 lbs. She stopped modelling and went up to 120 lbs. [unless she has a naturally lanky physique, I'm sure maintaining this kind of weight post-modeling would be quite difficult.] Now she has health problems, side effects from prescriptions and a terrible diet. [i read a bit from those threads. I think this seriously plays into her weight gain, especially if she's coming off of Effexor. I'm sure her hormones, brain chemistry and blood sugar are all up and down. If she was relying on meds to relieve her of her anxiety and depression, and now those are gone, she needs to find a new way of coping with those feelings, and food could very well be the answer.]

 

And I can't cook all her meals since I work full time to support us. She doesn't work due to her health problems and she just lays in bed watching TV and eating junk food. [This sounds like a larger problem. You've been dating 6 months and you're working to support both of you? How did you get into this situation? That seems way too soon.]

 

But it's starting to bother me. She's now officially the fattest person I've ever had sex with. [And this is relevant to this issue because ...? You don't want to be seen as a guy who has sex with fat chicks?] I don't understand how she could let herself go. [You can't? She sound like she has some physical and emotional problems. Of course the overeating is connected to that. When people who are on psychotropic drugs choose to come off those drugs, but the underlying issues have not been addressed, they then turn to other ways of coping. To me it sounds like your GF is using food as comfort. She probably already feels a certain amount of shame for gaining the weight that she has, and since it doesn't seem like she's in a place to realize what's she's doing to herself, it's not like she has the gumption to "pull herself up by her bootstraps" and log a bunch of hours on the treadmill.]

 

I thought about printing up some of her bikini pictures from about 1-2 years ago and sticking them on the fridge. But maybe that's not the best way to go about things. [Ahem. Does that sound like a "delicate" way of handling this situation?]

 

I don't want to make her feel bad about herself, but seeing a woman who was an absolute perfect 10 knockout slowly drowning herself in ice-cream is not exactly what I hoped for when we started dating.[Don't worry, she probably already feels bad.]

 

Sometimes when we have sex it's hard for me not to notice her "new curves" and feel disgusted by it. I'm not one for "fat-shaming" but I tend to date really fit women and it's been a struggle for me to not lose attraction as I watch her blowing up. [This is a catch-22. You love her, you want to connect with her on a physical level, but your disgust over her body is making you not want to. I don't have an answer for you, except to say that this issue is really about her learning better coping techniques, and her getting to a point where she doesn't WANT to eat three pints of ice cream—which, side note, were they really pints? I have a hard time believing anyone could eat three in one sitting without puking. A pint is like one whole Ben & Jerry's carton.]

 

What can I do about this? It's her body and her choices. [Yep, your'e right about that.] I am trying to be a good example but she doesn't seem to notice that I'm getting in better shape every day and she's getting in worse shape every day.

 

Btw. I'm 33 and she's 30. I'm not super muscular or anything, but I look pretty good with my clothes off. She used to have a perfect body less than 2 years ago. Now she doesn't even look like the same person.

 

Okay, I really don't mean to sound harsh with any of this, and forgive me if I have at all. I know this is a delicate and complicated subject, and that your concern is also multi-layered. You do seem to care about her health, but you do seem as much or not more concerned that you're losing attraction to her, or that your beautiful girlfriend is no longer beautiful to you, or that (god forbid) you will have to get used to boning a fatty.

 

For whatever reason she's overeating or letting herself go, she's really going to have to decide to take care of her health and body on her own timeline. Continued treatment for her anxiety and/or depression is an absolute must. For you, if you want to stick this out, patience is a must. She needs treatment for her addictions, and that could be a very rocky process, and it could take a real toll on her body. Are you as her BF prepared for that? If not, I would give it some serious thought. This issue is not as simple as her eating well and going to the gym. She has to get to a place of WANTING to take care of herself, and for that there's no easy answer.

[deadelvis]

Yeah it's also scary because she has such severe health problems and I'm certain that a clean diet and a rigorous workout routine would vastly improve her health. But this kind of binge eating is not going to help her to recover from her health issues.

 

And it does really seem like binge eating. She will eat only pizza for like 3 days and then not eat anything for a few days, recently it's the ice-cream, but in a few days she'll stop with the ice-cream and not eat for 48 hours, then she'll be off to something else.

 

I do feel there are some addiction/self control issues. She drank a lot in the past when she was thin, single and promiscuous. Now she's stopped drinking and obsessively working out, but she's taken up smoking with a vengeance and her diet has become very bad. It does seem like she's replacing one vice with another. I wish she would start drinking again and get back into the obsessive working out. Then at least I would have a hot, horny and drunk girlfriend instead of a lazy, sexless and fat one.

[jen1447]

This may seem trite, but King, have you ever considered that she might not be the happiest of women on the planet - and thus one who lets herself go - because of you? At least in part? Reason I ask that is that almost all your threads have a universal underlying theme, and that's demeaning your GF. She's recently been the bedfarting GF for example, she's frequently been the skanky GF, at times the dead-bed GF, and now the "lazy, sexless and fat" GF.

 

If that level of disregard is coming thru to a bunch of strangers on the internet, I can only imagine what it's like for her in person.

[deadelvis]

In brief, there is no delicate way to bring this up. She will immediately get defensive. Also, she already knows it's a problem, I assure you.

 

I think you're within your rights to not like it or to be concerned. You may not like it, but her weight gain has nothing to do with you—as in, she's not going to lose it because you want her to. She'll lose it when she's ready.

 

My responses in bold:

 

 

 

Okay, I really don't mean to sound harsh with any of this, and forgive me if I have at all. I know this is a delicate and complicated subject, and that your concern is also multi-layered. You do seem to care about her health, but you do seem as much or not more concerned that you're losing attraction to her, or that your beautiful girlfriend is no longer beautiful to you, or that (god forbid) you will have to get used to boning a fatty.

 

For whatever reason she's overeating or letting herself go, she's really going to have to decide to take care of her health and body on her own timeline. Continued treatment for her anxiety and/or depression is an absolute must. For you, if you want to stick this out, patience is a must. She needs treatment for her addictions, and that could be a very rocky process, and it could take a real toll on her body. Are you as her BF prepared for that? If not, I would give it some serious thought. This issue is not as simple as her eating well and going to the gym. She has to get to a place of WANTING to take care of herself, and for that there's no easy answer.

 

That was a really thoughtful reply and not harsh at all.

 

And yep... three pints. It was over about 6 hours but still... I would vomit. She ate one pint around 6pm, then we each ate a pint of ice-cream around 10pm. She pulled out the third pint around midnight and handed it to me. I took a few bites but my stomach was hurting from eating a whole pint a few hours previously. So I handed it back to her to "set on the nightstand" but instead I watched in horror as she devoured her third pint. Plus during that same period of time she had a hamburger, french fries and a soda.

 

I felt sick all morning from eating a whole pint last night. I don't know how she didn't just vomit everywhere...

[losangelena]

Yeah it's also scary because she has such severe health problems and I'm certain that a clean diet and a rigorous workout routine would vastly improve her health. But this kind of binge eating is not going to help her to recover from her health issues.

 

And it does really seem like binge eating. She will eat only pizza for like 3 days and then not eat anything for a few days, recently it's the ice-cream, but in a few days she'll stop with the ice-cream and not eat for 48 hours, then she'll be off to something else.

 

I do feel there are some addiction/self control issues. She drank a lot in the past when she was thin, single and promiscuous. Now she's stopped drinking and obsessively working out, but she's taken up smoking with a vengeance and her diet has become very bad. It does seem like she's replacing one vice with another. I wish she would start drinking again and get back into the obsessive working out. Then at least I would have a hot, horny and drunk girlfriend instead of a lazy, sexless and fat one.

 

I'm hoping the last bit was at least something of a joke—ideally you'd want a GF who is a balanced combination of physical and emotional health. It disturbs me a bit that you'd see her being fat as worse than her being an alcoholic or a sex addict. That makes it sound like it was her "perfect 10" body that made you want to date her in the first place, that that's the only value you put on her. Never mind that she could be harming her mind/body through booze or sex or too much exercise or cigarettes. But (gasp) OH NOES! Not the fats!

 

It sounds like it could take quite a bit of effort to get her all balanced out—that's assuming she even wants to get better—and before she does, who knows how many other destructive habits she might cycle through.

[Lady2163]

Add me to the list of people who are saying, trust me, she already knows she has gained weight.

 

You are a bright, funny guy. But you have to know, she is going to age. Look at her mother. Look at her mother when she was 30. These things do happen. She is never going to look the way she did ten years ago - or possibly even five years ago.

 

I make no bones about the fact that I am fat. My weight is insane. Yet, I have a friend who is 30 pounds lighter and just a shade shorter. She and I wear the same size clothes. I have another friend who is 60 pounds lighter and a whole lot shorter and we wear the same size shirt. The moral of all that is don't get hung up on weight on women, it could be muscle.

 

But that doesn't give you a solution. You say you live this woman and I'm guessing you want to spend the rest of your life with her. You can tell her she's unappealing or getting close to unappealing, but you don't get to walk away from that and think she will just fix it.

 

I gather she is in pain? Tell her you want to try a water aerobics or yoga class and don't want to be the only man in the class without her. Or just tell her you want to do this together. There may be some sacrifice on your part, if you work full time, you may have to get up early of stay awake later (I don't know what shift you work).

[deadelvis]

This may seem trite, but King, have you ever considered that she might not be the happiest of women on the planet - and thus one who lets herself go - because of you? At least in part? Reason I ask that is that almost all your threads have a universal underlying theme, and that's demeaning your GF. She's recently been the bedfarting GF for example, she's frequently been the skanky GF, at times the dead-bed GF, and now the "lazy, sexless and fat" GF.

 

If that level of disregard is coming thru to a bunch of strangers on the internet, I can only imagine what it's like for her in person.

 

I actually only vent on LS because I can't express these frustrations to her. I'm actually really kind to her in real life. I actually constantly tell her that I love her body and don't mind her curves. In bed when we are talking dirty I give her the impression that her fat ass turns me on. This actually couldn't be further from the truth but I want her to feel good about herself. I know it's probably counter productive to tell her I like her fat ass when it's an outright lie, but I just care about her so much I have a hard time telling her that I'm finding her new figure a bit of a turn-off.

 

Maybe it's a clever trick to slow down my over-active libido... if so it hasn't worked yet but if she keeps up the dedicated over-eating, her chubby might just manage to kill my chubby.