Jake1979 Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 (edited) My story is a long one so be patient. While in college I fell madly in love with a beautiful girl who stole my heart. We went on a couple large group dates, and occasionally made out. We were never a couple though and i never had the guts to tell her I loved her. Sometimes I hate myself for it. We never had sex either. While I was still pursuing her or lack there of (I was very shy) another man came along who was more aggressive than me. He was much more assertive and she started dating him and they had a sexual relationship. After that I was devastated. I dated others but I was never able to pursue her again. 15 years went by after graduation and I lost touch with her but I still was in love with her all the same. Then two years ago we were reconnected by a friend in common. We hit it off like never before and we fell in love! Our sex life is amazing, and I am happy and proud to say that we are got married this summer! I’m happy about being with her finally but I still feel hurt and rejection from the past. I decided I had to get this pain of my chest before it got to me so last Friday we finally talked about it and she told me she knew I had feelings for her back then but she didn't know that I was in love with her. She cried through the whole conversation which made me feel even worse. She also stated that she didn’t know where she stood with me romantically. She based her decisions about men then on who was more aggressive. I obviously wasn’t aggressive. I don’t blame her for my cowardice, and I told her that repeatedly. I have her now, and I will forever so why in the heck do I still feel pain from something that happened nearly 15 years ago? I know she's had a number of lovers in her past (12 in all) which isn't bad for a 34 year old but sometimes it hurts to think about that as well. However, it's our college days past that haunts me the most. It’s just this episode that hurt me and still hurts me like heck. Am I crazy for this ancient jealous behavior? It happened so long ago and I’m married to the woman of my dreams. So why cant I just move on? Any advice would be helpful. ps. I know this was all my fault, and not hers. I just feel old hurt. Edited August 26, 2015 by Jake1979 mistake 1
pteromom Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 You guys were both kids. You didn't know how to express your feelings for her. She didn't know how to choose a quality guy. You both learned about yourselves, and came together as adults who know what you want. It's a great love story. You can't help your feelings, but you need to teach yourself not to dwell on them. When one of those past hurts pop up, instead of reliving the past and remembering all the hurtful details, FORCE yourself to come back to the present. Think of all you have, how fortunate you are, how well everything worked out. Think of your wife's smile when she looks into your eyes, and all the things she does that make you feel loved and appreciated and lucky. If you keep reeling those bad feelings back in and push your mind to the positive, you will feel their power fading. Eventually, you will get to where you just don't think about those things anymore. These kinds of feelings can poison a relationship. So it is really important that you learn to control them. If you can't, you may need some short-term therapy so you can talk it through with a professional. 7
Clarence_Boddicker Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Are you the self sabotaging, want to be unhappy type? What you're doing is a great way to lose her again. If you want to have a healthy relationship, you need to get that worthless; woe is me, I'm a victim, crap out of your head. You get to choose the life you wanna live. Put yourself in her shoes. Would you want to hear that whining more than once? I'd never bring it up again & if it pops into your head, imagine your wife divorcing you & having sex with a new guy. 3
bachdude Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 It looks to me that she never "rejected" you at all. Rather, she assumed you were not interested enough in her to pursue her. This is a little blunt but... You dropped the ball the first time with her now don't drop it a second time by obsessing about the past. You may need some help with obsessive thought patterns. 8
Satu Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 The past is gone and the future hasn't happened yet. All you have is the present. Don't waste it 7
Gloria25 Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 What's the point with getting someone only to punish them? The past is the past, you two were kids, she didn't diss you and probably thought you simply weren't interested. Did you sleep with other people in the past 15 years? How would you feel if now she kept on reminding you of how you weren't aggressive enough to ask her out years ago - which resulted in her dating others and you sleeping with/dating other women too? 2
road Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Many good points raised. I will ad that she did not cheat on you. It just took you extra time to close the deal. Which was your own fault. Though you made it now so be happy. She is all yours now. 2
loveflower Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Aw...what a touching love story. Consider it a blessing in disguise: if you told her, you probably is one of her past lovers now, instead of her husband. 3
Tobin Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Consider it a blessing in disguise: if you told her, you probably is one of her past lovers now, instead of her husband. Exactly! Wait.. what? 1
deadelvis Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 The past is gone and the future hasn't happened yet. All you have is the present. Don't waste it Satu, you should work at a company making fortune cookies... Did you read that new book by Tupac Chopra? It's called "Wherever you go, There you be at" Seriously... to OP... you have what's called retroactive jealousy. It will pass, but there are things you can do to get over it faster. Here are a few exercises you can try. 1. Make a list of 5 unique and special moments you shared together that fill you with happiness every time you think of them. Keep the list in your pocket. When you start feeling insecure or jealous read over the list a few times. 2. Write two letters you will never send. Write one letter to her, telling her everything you're feeling and how upset you are about everything that happened during the time before you were together. Feel free to llist off every detail that you are obsessing over. Don't send the letter. Now write a reply letter from her to you, where she gives you a compassionate and detailed explanation of everything you mentioned in the previous letter. Her letter should be written in a way that it puts your heart at ease regarding everything that happened in the past. Now burn the first letter and read the second letter every night before bed or every morning when you wake up. 3. Make a mental list of all the most enjoyable sexual encounters you had during those 15 years apart. Now spend some time thinking about how those experiences influence your feelings toward your current partner. The answer will be obvious... those experiences don't take anything away from your feelings toward your wife, in fact it will seem silly to imagine those past experiences being even remotely related to the marriage you have now and the feelings you have for her. When you find yourself thinking of her past, reflect on your own past sexual history and the happy times you had. It won't damage your feelings for her or make you long for past lovers... it will do the opposite, it will remind you how much more special your relationship is with your wife. There are other more complicated exercises I can tell you about if you really need to have someone help you to work through this, but those 3 should be a great start. Good luck. Don't let it bring you down. You have a really special thing. Don't waste time being unhappy. Life is so short, you should really be enjoying the amazing wife you have and your life together.
Just a Guy Posted August 27, 2015 Posted August 27, 2015 Hi Jake, Why don't you get some professional help for your problem? You may not be able to handle this all by yourself. You may have a deep seated inferiority complex about your self which is best addressed professionally. Cheers!
Author Jake1979 Posted September 2, 2015 Author Posted September 2, 2015 Satu, you should work at a company making fortune cookies... Did you read that new book by Tupac Chopra? It's called "Wherever you go, There you be at" Seriously... to OP... you have what's called retroactive jealousy. It will pass, but there are things you can do to get over it faster. Here are a few exercises you can try. 1. Make a list of 5 unique and special moments you shared together that fill you with happiness every time you think of them. Keep the list in your pocket. When you start feeling insecure or jealous read over the list a few times. 2. Write two letters you will never send. Write one letter to her, telling her everything you're feeling and how upset you are about everything that happened during the time before you were together. Feel free to llist off every detail that you are obsessing over. Don't send the letter. Now write a reply letter from her to you, where she gives you a compassionate and detailed explanation of everything you mentioned in the previous letter. Her letter should be written in a way that it puts your heart at ease regarding everything that happened in the past. Now burn the first letter and read the second letter every night before bed or every morning when you wake up. 3. Make a mental list of all the most enjoyable sexual encounters you had during those 15 years apart. Now spend some time thinking about how those experiences influence your feelings toward your current partner. The answer will be obvious... those experiences don't take anything away from your feelings toward your wife, in fact it will seem silly to imagine those past experiences being even remotely related to the marriage you have now and the feelings you have for her. When you find yourself thinking of her past, reflect on your own past sexual history and the happy times you had. It won't damage your feelings for her or make you long for past lovers... it will do the opposite, it will remind you how much more special your relationship is with your wife. There are other more complicated exercises I can tell you about if you really need to have someone help you to work through this, but those 3 should be a great start. Good luck. Don't let it bring you down. You have a really special thing. Don't waste time being unhappy. Life is so short, you should really be enjoying the amazing wife you have and your life together. I would agree that me worrying about her past lovers is retroactive jealousy but we knew each other in college before she had any lovers. I fell deeply in love with her only for another guy to win her over. I think this is a combination of heartbreak and R. Jealousy.
deadelvis Posted September 2, 2015 Posted September 2, 2015 I can give you some more exercises if you want to try them... Did you actually do those 3 I listed? Taking a class in meditation is also important because it teaches you how to prevent unwanted thoughts from intruding into your mind. 1
Author Jake1979 Posted September 3, 2015 Author Posted September 3, 2015 I can give you some more exercises if you want to try them... Did you actually do those 3 I listed? Taking a class in meditation is also important because it teaches you how to prevent unwanted thoughts from intruding into your mind. Yes. I have written the letters. The one to her was kind of difficult to compose and read. It was as you can probably predict very sad. However, it felt very good to get that out. It was releasing.
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