Fiancé left me after 7 year, 3 weeks before our wedding

[pinkyfloss]

Hi,

 

I am just looking for someone to help and give me some thoughts on my situation.

I was with my fiancé 7 year, engaged for 2 and living together in a jointly owned home for almost 2 years. We never once broke up, very very little argue nets, we were very strong, compatible and the couple that all of our friends looked up to. I got on really well with all of his friends, and his family adored me. I am 25 and he is 27.

 

Out of the blue, one month before the wedding my fiancé started acting distant. He would say was fine, but I knew something was wrong. After around a week of distant behaviour I told him he needed to talk to me- he either needed to acknowledge that there was something wrong with him (he had had anxiety over jobs, exams in the past) or the reason he was acting this way towards me had something to do with me. He took the step in going to the doctors, and the night of the initial doctors appointment stayed back at his parents house for one night. This hurt like hell because I had no idea what was going on. For a whole week after that he was back at home, told me he had anxiety and developed depression (didn't say why) and still acted very distant- which was awful.

 

At the end of that week, one week after the doctors appointment he came home after visiting his parents, looked me straight in the eye and told me he was ready to talk, he couldn't marry me because he was unsure if he was in love with me. He said he loved me, but didn't know if it was the right kind of love for a marriage, and he stated that he was concerned over our lack of passion (first time this had ever been brought up!).

 

This came as a huge shock, and in my shocked state I told my parents and slept at their home for 2 nights. I then contacted my fiancé to talk things through, he met me at our house, and to my suprise he completely apologised, told me wedding neveres and his anxiety were getting the better of him, he loved me and wanted to marry me and he said I shouldn't have listened because I know he loves me. It was a relief, I left him for a few hours after that to think about what I wanted. Of course I wanted to marry the love of my life.

 

I returned home that night, he was much less distant but still not jumping through hoops for me after what he put me through. The next day I atteneded work for a few hours and then after that we went shopping together and he spoke about the wedding a lot and seemed like his normal self- what a huge relief. After this day, his mood declined and he became more and more distant-I assumed it was because he was depressed and he let me beleive he was depressed. He put me through hell for a whole week by not speaking to me unless spoken to, not looking at me or touching me, and sleeping opposite sides of the bed, where I asked permission to cuddle him very night. This was not us at all.

 

After this week of torture, whilst he was at work on the weekend he text me stating that he was still having doubts about the relationship, it was the relationship and not the wedding, and that it wasn't his anxiety causing it. We went through a good couple of days with him not explaining his doubts other than the lack of spark, he didn't think he was 'in love'.mEvery now and then he would tell me doesn't know what thoughts were real and what were mental health. To this day I don't know whether that was a cover up.

 

Needless to say, the wedding got cancelled. We have now spent a full month split up. Every weekend, even immediately after the split, he has gone out to get very drunk with his friends and seemingly enjoying life, and apparently trying drugs. I don't understand how he could do this after 7 year, totally out the blue. Before this month he was so loving and completely opposite to how he had been. It is very hard to take that his feelings could just change over night. We have spoke every other day, mostly about the house, or about random things and have tried to keep it from being nasty.

 

I contact him more than he contacts me but he always replies, I am going to stop this though as its doing me no favours. He says he still has a lot of feelings for me, will always love me and care about me. I guess he's just not 'in love'. It's almsot as if because the wedding drew closer he had some new ideal about how a married relationship should be. What are people's thoughts?

 

Thank you

Edited August 26, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm so sorry for your pain, OP. What a terrible trauma you've had.

 

I suspect this didn't really come out of the blue, even though he apparently hid it quite well. Sometimes people try to suppress their doubts and put on a happy face in hopes that the old feelings will return. I've done and it and had it done to me too. Strangely enough, it was done to me at about the 7-year mark too. I later found out there was a lot more that my now-ex wasn't telling me about his mindset, in an effort to protect me.

 

I gather you've been together since he was 20 and you were just 18. This could be a factor, as he probably didn't date much. That can leave some folks feeling like they want to explore more and meet new people before they settle down and commit to a lifetime with one person.

 

Some of this may influenced by depression or anxiety issues. But it doesn't change the fact that he feels this isn't right.

 

All you can do now is focus on protecting your own well-being, and whatever assets or finances you have together. Lean on your family and friends now. When you want to cry and vent, let it out - to them. Try as much as you can not to get in touch with him very often, though I know how very hard that is. Stay strong, girl.

[emi]

Im so sorry that you have to put up with this crap.

Im in no place to give advice because I havent reached that point of engaged/marriage and stuff but i do think you should cut contact and let he deal with whatever bull**** he has.

You cant control his behavior but you can protect yourself. After awhile maybe he will get **** together but if he doesnt then you already started to move on.

I suggest you hit the gym, it helps

[Zapbasket]

I can just imagine how hard this is for you, OP. I'm so sorry.

 

Believe me, I know all too well the temptation--the NEED--to analyze and analyze in your mind, searching for answers for how he could have done this. I'm an expert at over-analyzing; it's how I'm wired. If you are similar, then I know my advice will fall on deaf ears, and that's okay. It's just that the truth is that the answer is simple: when faced with the impending reality of a lifetime commitment, your fiance just couldn't go through with it. Probably even he doesn't 100% understand the reasons WHY. It could be anxiety about commitment generally; it could be how he feels about you; it could be a combination of both.

 

Regardless of the reason, don't take any of this to be a reflection of your worth. I know it's hard not to, but truthfully it's not about you. People who are truly ready for a commitment like marriage are also capable of being honest with themselves about their feelings toward their partner, so that they only take the step to engagement and planning a wedding if they are confident that they are ready, and that they love you "that way." Your fiance's behavior indicates that he simply is not emotionally mature enough for the level of commitment you were about to enter into--and in the mid-twenties, that's perfectly understandable. It's also understandable that someone could over-estimate the commitment they're able or willing to give at that age--heck, people of all ages do it--because it's easy to TALK marriage, etc. and much more difficult to actually put it into action.

 

It's possible he'll regain his senses--but I wouldn't count on it. He also might revel in his newfound freedom, and if so, let's hope he at some point recognizes the hurt he caused you and apologizes. If he never does, then he wasn't someone you'd ever want to have married in the first place, even though it doesn't seem like it right now.

 

Hang in there.

[Tobin]

Lots of people freak out over marriage, some before, lots of people freak afterwards which is why there are so many stories about how a person's spouse completely changed after marriage, the sex stopped, they became distant, etc.

 

Look, the guy obviously cares about you but he's not sure if he wants to commit to you for the rest of his life, and that's fair. More marriages fail nowadays than succeed, marriage aint all it's cracked up to be, and there aren't any real advantages except maybe health insurance and tax breaks and even that isn't much of a factor with the new domestic partner laws.

 

So forget about marriage, tell him you're good with putting it off the table, indefinitely if not forever, and enjoy your relationship with him without the added stress that goes with the outdated artificial human construct we refer to as "marriage".

[d0nnivain]

Cold feet is normal. This went beyond cold feet & as much as it sucks, cancelling the wedding is still better than going through with it & getting divorced.

 

You have some legal & financial things to iron out -- sending back the wedding & shower gifts & figuring out who is buying who out of the house you both own.

 

He probably had concerns for a while which he hid / kept to himself but when he finally got to the deadline he knew he couldn't marry you.

 

He's not partying because he's happy. He's partying to mask his grief.

 

Either way, you focus on getting yourself financially disentangled from him, then take time to heal. {{hugs}}

[aloneinaz]

I think what happened here was as the marriage date approached, he realized he hadn't "sowed his oats" in having more R/S's with different gals. Now, he was potentially committing to one person for the rest of his life.

 

 

He's never had the chance to be single through his youth. To party, tear it up and have meaningless sex. This is a big factor to many guys/gals. This is why you hear of so many marriages being called off a month or two before.

 

 

Honestly, while this sucks and I'm sure it's painful, he did you a favor. Some people go through with getting married even when they have these concerns. They then have a couple of kids as the family develops. They then panic and leave the marriage and the wife to raise the kids. Be glad if left when he did.

[kendahke]

I completely agree with AloneinAz... It sounds like there was a whole lot to life he wanted to experience and didn't/couldn't out of respect for you, but he was realizing that in doing that, it was not making him happy with himself--and perhaps he didn't know who he was yet--he'd been 1/2 of a relationship since he was 20--and he needs to know who he is before he asks someone to spend the rest of their life with him. It's fine that you know who you are, but you and he aren't the same person and do not have the same life experiences which bring you to who you are today.

 

I can appreciate that this hurts like everything. In the long run, it's far better to call off a wedding than having to drag the state into your failed marriage to get out of it.

[aloneinaz]

In the long run, it's far better to call off a wedding than having to drag the state into your failed marriage to get out of it.

 

 

 

Yup! I had a good high school buddy who married his HS sweet heart. They met and started dating at 16. Fast forward 10 years later. For some reason, he let his wife go on a "singles cruise" with her friend who didn't want to go alone. Hum.. guess what happened? She hooked up with a guy, came home and left him. They had two young kids at the time.

 

 

Everyone told him that they both needed to sow their oats before marrying. While marrying your first love sounds great on paper and in the movies, I'd hate to see what the divorce rate is for that group. I bet it's 90-95% at least.

[BriNyc82]

I don't think I can say anything to make you feel better, but I am sorry you are going through this. From the way you describe it, it doesn't sound like he was a bad guy though. I don't think he is going out every night partying and enjoying this new single life. He is probably drinking to avoid dealing with the reality of the situation and most likely the pain he caused you and himself. His friends are probably dragging him out of the house b/c that's what guys do.

 

 

I disagree with Tobin completely (sorry Tobin!)- Telling your ex that you are willing to take marriage off the table just enables him to keep coasting. If marriage is something you want you should not have to settle for less than that. Especially since he said he was not in love with you. Why would you continue the relationship if you both have different goals and feel differently?

[lana-banana]

I am so, so sorry you're experiencing this. Please rely on your family and friends to carry you through during this time. However, as others have said, this is ultimately for the best because no one should be going into marriage feeling uncertain and unhappy. All the pain you're feeling now would be magnified exponentially if he'd waited until after you were married.

 

As others have said, many people realize they aren't cut out to marry their first love. They want to have more experiences, meet new people and try new things. It's very hard to get to know yourself fully when you've been with one person for so long, especially in a period of such dynamic personal growth. I think people change more each year in their 20s than they do in later decades of life.

 

I do have some other thoughts on the subject, but keep in mind they're based entirely upon anecdotal experience and my own observations. (That being said, accurate statistics about relationships are hard to find.)

 

A lot of men change dramatically between the ages of 26 and 28. Whereas women seem to mature more steadily, men don't really come into their own until their late twenties. It can be a perilous time for long-term relationships. I'm 29 now and can't even count how many serious, committed young couples I've seen split up when they hit their late 20s, and each time it was the man's doing. They just...changed. Their girlfriends/fiancees/wives were left reeling.

 

The silver lining is the change is ultimately a good thing. Dating in your late 20s is awesome because most men have matured in that way and become far better versions of themselves. Trust me, I know that's not what you want to hear right now and you don't have to even think about dating until you feel somewhat ready. But I want you to know that it will be okay, eventually, and you will be better. And so will the men.

[Itspointless]

I have read quite a few variations on this story here. I am sorry this had to happen to you too. You write that your ex already had anxiety-issues, stress can cause people to flip around and block feelings completely - temporarily or forever - from conscience. Perhaps you recognize some things in this thread by GreenPolicy: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/253770-my-fiancee-left-me-out-blue[url=http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/253770-my-fiancee-left-me-out-blue][/url] His ex turned out to be avoidant-dismissive (is an attachment-style).

 

You might want to ask yourself if a partner who is capable of acting like this under stress really is that a great partner. I wish you strength.

[Diezel]

You both dodged a bullet.

 

You don't realize that now, but you will.

[pinkyfloss]

Thank you for your responses.

 

I totally agree, it was the right thing to do and could not have got married under such circumstances. He did spend a lot of his younger years partying, going on lads holidays, sleeping around but of course that was only for a few year. Funnily enough after a big stag do with the lads partying abroad was when his behaviour started to change, he was going out every weekend after this- although things were already booked up in advance. I asked him if he thinks this contributed to the split and maybe thats a life that was for him but he said I'm thinking too much into it.

The worst part is he would not say that he didn't want to get married, he forced to say that the wedding would be cancelled and that we could not go ahead and get married. Then once it began to get cancelled he text me saying he thinks we might not have done thr right thing cancelling the wedding.

He just kept saying he wasn't 100% sure that its what he wanted. But for marriage you have to be 100%.

 

Throughout the whole aftermath he has treat me with very little respect and that really hurts. Rumours of another girl being involved are surfacing, and it's the same name that keeps cropping up. This girl is a friend of his already, his hairdresser in fact.

He of course denys it but said he has been messaging her a lot more lately and that he confides in her a lot. This seems awfully coincidental a few weeks after the split. Rumours surfaced days after the split but nothing solid, but they now seem to be coming from people closest to her.

 

It's so hard going from feeling like someone's whole world to nothing. But I am remain I g strong and will get there.

[CarrieT]

He's been texting another girl?

 

Yep - he has already emotionally checked out of the relationship. Be glad he told you, actually, before the marriage. You are one of the lucky ones.

 

He could have married you whilst starting a fling on the side. Read up on The 180 and implement immediately.

[pinkyfloss]

I forgot to mention we have split up and I am living alone and he has gone back with his parents

[emi]

Im so sorry. Stay strong

[d0nnivain]

I forgot to mention we have split up and I am living alone and he has gone back with his parents

 

If is name is still on the mortgage or the deed to your house, you still have to legally get him off those documents or he could ruin you financially.