Broke up 4 days ago. Any thoughts?

[trasher]

Hey everyone. I'm a 24 year old girl and my ex boyfriend is 18 years old. We broke up 4 days ago and we've been together for about 5 months, which I think can already be considered as something serious.

 

So basically, the reason we broke up was that first of all in the beginning of the relationship, I was very insecure about my previous relationship and about getting dumped again. Also my debut album didn't work out the way I hoped it to. I was so bitter and insecure that I was pushing my boyfriend away when I didn't want to push him away, and wanted him to be a person that he isn't. I'm not gonna lie, most of the time we had it was really good and we really enjoyed being around eachother, and we gave eachother enough space, more space than most couples, it was just every now and then those issues came up. And he always told me it was okay and that we could work it out because he wanted to make it work.

 

So then about about a month and a half ago we started having fights every now and then, nothing really big, more like discussions, or me saying I didn't like something. I think it made him feel like nothing he did was ever good enough so he started to withdraw a bit and didn't text me as much anymore.

 

The thing is, I do appreciate the person he is, and I do appreciate the things he does, maybe I just didn't say it enough. I really do love him and I regret pushing him away in the beginning because he IS the kind of person I want to be with. Maybe I was just too proud to admit that.

 

So then, the second mistake I made was, that when he was withdrawing I started to find my attention with some other guy, just chatting about random stuff really and this one night we went out with some friends (my boyfriend wasn't there). And one of my friends had a girl in his room and I just told my friend he could sleep next to me because I was tired but still wanted to talk because I felt lonely. We didn't do anything but talk actually.

 

The next day my boyfriend came over and we had a good time and then we went to bed. The next morning he asked me, so where did this friend of yours sleep. I didn't want to make a big deal of it because nothing happened so I said 'in the couch'. And then he told me 'so what's his earring doing in your bed'. So I was kinda busted, even though I didn't really do anything. I do understand why my boyfriend didn't like me sleeping next to another guy. So anyway, we had a really big argument, but then we settled it. The week after that we went to London and I had food poisoning so he was really annoyed by me because I couldn't keep up with him.

 

A few days after that he dumped me, through facebook. He said he was sick of all the fighting and was still really hurt about me sleeping next to that guy and said he didn't know what to believe. The whole conversation was like him being hot and cold about dumping me or not, like 10 minutes before he said it was over he told me he didn't want it to be over, but then he did. So then I asked him are you sure you want to end things, and he said 'probably'.

 

And then I said, do you think we ever have a chance of getting back together and he said 'I don't know, all I know is that I need alot of time to myself right now'. The thing is, I think his friends influenced him alot in his decision, they probably kept telling him I did cheat so he might have ended it because he didn't want to lose face to them. Anyway, the thing is I KNOW he still has feelings for me but he's just so hurt and sick of those fights we had.

 

During the conversation we had he said: if we stay together we're gonna keep fighting, and if we break up you're gonna go to this other guy. So I think he's really still in doubt about what he's gonna do.

 

So I decided to let things cool off for a few days. The day after the breakup he liked one of my instagram pictures that I posted 5 days before. He would have had to go on my profile to like it. And the same evening he liked a cover song I recorded and posted to my bandpage.

 

I think he was trying to get attention from me, but I waited a few days, and then started chatting to him. I said Hi and he immediately answered. So then it was like how are you doing, I'm fine bla bla. Then I told him I still had some of his stuff and he still had some of my stuff and that we should meet up to give it back to eachother. He lives about 2 hours away. So I told him, just come to my place then and we can watch a movie afterwards. He immediately agreed and we also set a date.

 

After that I told him I wrote him a song to say sorry for all the stuff that has happened and for hurting him. I'm a musician and already have some kind of a name in Belgium. The song states pretty clearly that I want him back. And he said it was a beautiful song. He said thank you to me for apologising. So now I'm thinking, if he absolutely didn't even think about possibly getting back together, he would have cancelled the date, but we confirmed it after I sent him the song and apology.

 

So the date we're gonna meet and watch a movie is the 11th of september. I'm planning to give him some space until then. But what should I do then, just make it fun? Tell him I wanna give it one more try? Do you guys still think I have a shot. I'd like to know your opinions because I really wanna give it another try, I finally feel more confident about me and him and want to get the chance to show him the real not bitter and insecure me.

 

[Satu]

When you say you "love him," what do you mean?

 

What does the word "love," mean to you?

 

How do you know it is love, and not some lesser form of attachment?

 

What is it you experience that you label as love?

 

Who does that experience benefit?

[trasher]

With love him, I mean that I love him for the person he is and the way he made me feel when I was with him. Before him I had another boyfriend, who I thought was the love of my life, and he dumped me and I didn't get over it for like more than 2 years.

 

When I was with this new guy he made me feel so good that I just don't care about my other ex anymore. He is so emotionally stable and just fun to be with and treated me with alot of love and respect.

 

I just think I may not have appreciated him enough in the beginning because I still had my other ex in my head and needed time to come to terms with that. So I really do think we had a good relationship all in all, and that we're good together, our personalities complement eachother and we have alot of common interests, we both play in bands and we both love art and movies.

 

It's just the last month and a half has been a bit ****, and I totally regret that now and want to make up for that. Starting september I'm going to study again and start a new band because things weren't going that good with my current band. I think all this stuff like not having a job or studies and my band going worse than expected I became a bit bitter, and I think this is the main cause of the breakup. Once I get my life going again the bitterness will fade away and I think we will have a good shot at making it work. I wouldn't fight for something I don't think is worth fighting for. :-)

[d0nnivain]

I don't see this as healthy at all because you are not in a good place.

 

The 6 year age gap is a problem but honestly he appears to be the more mature one here. It's a problem because of your life stages. In the US, he's can't even get into a bar. If he's about to begin college & you are already off trying to jump start a career you just aren't on the same page.

 

When things got rocky, you put another man in your bed & then lied about it. Why should your EX want anything further to do with you?

 

Reconciliation happens through communication. this break business until the arbitrary date in September is more likely to make things worse, not better.

[trasher]

Well no I'm not starting a career I'm doing another 3 years of studies. In my post above I just told you about the stuff I did, I didn't mention the things he did to make me feel that way sometimes. That led to me sleeping next to another guy (not having sex or even touching eachother). Him neglecting me emotionally and then being angry about me talking to another guy.

 

We're both at fault here, I just didn't feel like putting all the blame on him because I also had my part in what has happened. And even though there's a 6 year age gap, when we were together we didn't even notice that. I'm very youthful myself and not really thinking about getting married or having kids yet.

[d0nnivain]

I never said or implied you had sex with the other guy. What I said was that your decisions to sleep in the same bed with the other guy and then lie to your EX about it make it increasingly unlikely that you two can reconcile in part because you make poor decisions.

 

How emotionally available do you really expect an 18 year old boy to be in 5 months? Your expectations seem unrealistic to me.

 

He dumped you over FB for pete's sake! Why on earth do you want somebody so callous back?

 

In the 5 months you were together -- which is admittedly significant for a teenager but not a 24 year old -- there was already fights & drama. this wasn't healthy even when it was "good". Let it go.

 

Learn from your mistakes & find something better.