ALB Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 I've been dating a man for about 18 months. I love him, I really do. We always have lots of fun together. I love his kids and grandkids also. We have talked about the future and getting married as well. The problems are first he and I keep our homes very different. I am neat and clean and take care of what I have, he is the opposite. His house is literally falling apart. Repairs that are still there since I've known him. Nothing has been done. He makes good money, so that is not a issue with fixing his house. We have discussed this, I even offer to help and he just says its to overwhelming. He has also made it clear that he wants to live in his house we we get married or live together. I can't live there, I will go crazy!!! LOL Literally, clutter, dirty - he has no disire and seems to have little care to help this situation. Speaking of money another thing that bothers me is his spending. He spends and spends and spends. I don't know if I can be with someone in the future who doesn't save for retirement and just spends like crazy on frivolous things. Over the past weekend he let me know that when he was married before he drank A LOT apparently. This worries me that he will start this again also in the future. I'm all for a couple drinks every now and then, but I don't want to live with someone who drinks everyday. I go back and forth with myself so much in this relationship. I've talked to friends, him and I just hold on because I do love him. Am I being unreasonable.
PegNosePete Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 When a man is old enough to have grandkids, he's unlikely to change his ways. That lifestyle and his habits have been built up over many, many years. Not only will he not change, he will resent anyone who tries. I'm afraid you'll have to either accept him as he is, or not. 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 I would continue dating him if you want, but retain a firm personal level of independence. Live in your own space - don't even go to his. Keep your money safe and separate. If his drinking becomes worse and to the point of being intolerable - walk away. The other two factors might - just MIGHT - be manageable. This one - isn't. 1
futureglory263 Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 hey there! you certainly bring up some points that are important to consider before making a committment- cleanliness/organization, finances and social habits (smoking, drinking, etc) being among the top things that i personally hear about when it comes to conflict in relationships, marriage and the like. I'm currently reading a book called "the sacred search" by Gary Thomas, a book on preparing for marriage and searching for the right spouse. He brings up a really strong point in his book when he asks: if the person that you want to marry has certain flaws- which let's say you know will never change in that person- would you still marry that person? if the answer is "no," it should certainly make you consider your decision. Oftentimes, people go into marriage or a relationship with the expectation that they will be able to change their SO. And oftentimes, it is the case that a person never changes their habits, and it becomes a strain on their relationship. Will this happen to you? I certainly hope not. But these are definitely things that should give you pause. Remember that when you are dating, (typically) we are on our best behaviors! As we get closer in a relationship, or enter marriage, lots of things (bad habits, negative mannerisms) come up that might not have been there before. Ultimately though, it is up to you to decide and I really do wish you all the best.
catlady11 Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 Will resentment build up if you accept how things are with him, knowing he won't change? In a good relationship there should be some compromise going on and the fact that he made it clear how things are going to be sounds like it's his way or not at all.
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