dangerbang Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 Guys I put nc in place a few days after my recent breakup. She was crazy and it was a horrible relationship but I was still hurt very much. We were a few weeks off our wedding date. It's now nearly 5 months since we split and the only contact has been running into her in a bar where she started out ok but a minute later was calling me ugly and freaking out and then stormed off. I was perfectly nice. I think it drove her crazy I wasn't pining after her. Anyway I met someone recently and were having fun and having good sex and taking it really slow. I've been through the wringer a few times at 35 but let me tell you, nc works. After a couple of months you no longer long for them and right now I couldn't care less if she was dead. Harsh but true, and that's how I wanted to feel when she left. Her choice. I'm now much happier, fitter, more attractive than ever all because that mad bitch isn't bringing me down anymore. So stick with it guys, do it for yourself, not some idiot who doesn't want to be with you anymore. 3
aloneinaz Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 Actually I think ppl who weren't truly in love say that. Not necessarily. I think you can be madly in love at the time of the break up. But, after a couple of months post break up, you can rationalize with yourself that while you really loved them, the relationship was toxic, dysfunctional and despite the love, you're not compatible.
jen1447 Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 Not necessarily. I think you can be madly in love at the time of the break up. But, after a couple of months post break up, you can rationalize with yourself that while you really loved them, the relationship was toxic, dysfunctional and despite the love, you're not compatible. How would you know if you weren't truly in love?
Oregon_Dude Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 After a couple of months you no longer long for them and right now I couldn't care less if she was dead. Harsh but true, and that's how I wanted to feel when she left. Her choice. I'm now much happier, fitter, more attractive than ever all because that mad bitch isn't bringing me down anymore. So stick with it guys, do it for yourself, not some idiot who doesn't want to be with you anymore.This post is hilarious.
aloneinaz Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 How would you know if you weren't truly in love? I don't really want to get in the whole philosophical conversation about love, it's meaning, how do you know, etc.. Everyone's interpretation of this word is different. I do believe you know EXACTLY what I'm saying that post Mr. Jen.
jen1447 Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 I don't really want to get in the whole philosophical conversation about love, it's meaning, how do you know, etc.. Everyone's interpretation of this word is different. I do believe you know EXACTLY what I'm saying that post Mr. Jen. I'm advocating for the devil a bit, yes, but my point (respectfully) is that a lot of ppl are utterly devastated by breakups and won't get to have the four-month-later "he/she sucks" comfort. I know some ppl who have been grieving breakups for years. Why is that? There are probably a lot of explanations, but one possibility is certainly that the ppl who have the wherewithal to let it go fairly easily weren't ever as deeply invested (i.e. "in love") as those who can't.
Oregon_Dude Posted August 28, 2015 Posted August 28, 2015 I know some ppl who have been grieving breakups for years. Why is that?Essentially because they refuse to accept what has happened, live in the past, feel sorry for themselves, don't get out nearly enough, don't date, don't do things to build up their self-esteem, autonomy and self-respect. They CHOOSE to stagnate. 2
Author Otter2569 Posted September 7, 2015 Author Posted September 7, 2015 Update: I gave in and went to see her. We had a tremendous weekend together: I felt we made substantial progress and left feeling really hopefully. Well that lasted about 24 hours. She went right back into her negativity, mood swings, disparaging and insulting texts then a hysterical phone call. I could fill pages with all the garbage and irrational things she said and did to me. That day was the final nail in the coffin. Its been almost a week and I have maintained NC. When I get sad or weak I remember those last few days and its like a sobering slap in the face. She has BPD, she will NOT change and I do NOT deserve that! 1
jen1447 Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Essentially because they refuse to accept what has happened, live in the past, feel sorry for themselves, don't get out nearly enough, don't date, don't do things to build up their self-esteem, autonomy and self-respect. They CHOOSE to stagnate. Missed this before - sorry but that sounds like an explanation of someone who's never worn the shoes, similar to ppl who think that depressed ppl should "snap out of it." People who've had the neurochemical equivalent of a baseball bat to the head aren't "choosing" to do anything, they're living with the limitations their injury has imposed on them. 2
Oregon_Dude Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Missed this before - sorry but that sounds like an explanation of someone who's never worn the shoes, similar to ppl who think that depressed ppl should "snap out of it." People who've had the neurochemical equivalent of a baseball bat to the head aren't "choosing" to do anything, they're living with the limitations their injury has imposed on them.I've worn the shoes, Jen. At a certain point, we DO choose to give in to self-pity and remain there; replaying memories, wondering why. I don't equate saying this to telling depressed people to snap out of it. I think people refuse to date or even socialize much after a b/u, and this leaves them with the last person they dated on their mind constantly, instead of creating new experiences. Getting out of the house and doing things that take your mind of your b/u is essential. A lot of people refuse to do that. This is their CHOICE.
dumbass2 Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 Update: I gave in and went to see her. We had a tremendous weekend together: I felt we made substantial progress and left feeling really hopefully. Well that lasted about 24 hours. She went right back into her negativity, mood swings, disparaging and insulting texts then a hysterical phone call. I could fill pages with all the garbage and irrational things she said and did to me. That day was the final nail in the coffin. Its been almost a week and I have maintained NC. When I get sad or weak I remember those last few days and its like a sobering slap in the face. She has BPD, she will NOT change and I do NOT deserve that! Sometimes we need that slap in the face and our ex is more than happy to oblige. The question remains, how many times do we need that slap in the face, that 2x4 to the head, that ton of bricks to fall on us before we truly decide to move on? 3
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 (edited) Now Redacted. Edited September 7, 2015 by TaraMaiden2 I meant well, but I'll only get into deep....
jen1447 Posted September 7, 2015 Posted September 7, 2015 I've worn the shoes, Jen. At a certain point, we DO choose to give in to self-pity and remain there; replaying memories, wondering why. I don't equate saying this to telling depressed people to snap out of it. I think people refuse to date or even socialize much after a b/u, and this leaves them with the last person they dated on their mind constantly, instead of creating new experiences. Getting out of the house and doing things that take your mind of your b/u is essential. A lot of people refuse to do that. This is their CHOICE. I'm aware you've had your own reasonably severe experiences, and that means you should know better than to equate everyone's experiences with yours. You can say, based on your own experience, that "at a certain point, you chose to give into self pity and remain there" etc., but you can't base everyone's else's experiences and levels of difficulty and responses on your own and conclude that everyone does the same thing. It's pretentious and vain to assume that your world is the beginning and ending of everyone else's. You've worn your own pair of shoes, not the ones everyone else who's had adversity wears. There are far too many variables - the severity of experiences varies, the competency of ppl to deal with adversity varies, the psychological makeup of ppl varies widely, and even pain thresholds vary - to assume that there's any real 'normalized' or specifically competent/incompetent reaction to any of it. Try preaching to someone who's literally incapable of getting out of bed or suffering chest pain and heart palpitations and dangerous spikes in blood pressure that they need to get out more and they're choosing to be victims. 3
frigginlost Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 I'm aware you've had your own reasonably severe experiences, and that means you should know better than to equate everyone's experiences with yours. You can say, based on your own experience, that "at a certain point, you chose to give into self pity and remain there" etc., but you can't base everyone's else's experiences and levels of difficulty and responses on your own and conclude that everyone does the same thing. It's pretentious and vain to assume that your world is the beginning and ending of everyone else's. You've worn your own pair of shoes, not the ones everyone else who's had adversity wears. There are far too many variables - the severity of experiences varies, the competency of ppl to deal with adversity varies, the psychological makeup of ppl varies widely, and even pain thresholds vary - to assume that there's any real 'normalized' or specifically competent/incompetent reaction to any of it. Try preaching to someone who's literally incapable of getting out of bed or suffering chest pain and heart palpitations and dangerous spikes in blood pressure that they need to get out more and they're choosing to be victims. I wish many, many, folks on this board would really take a real hard look at what you wrote. It is an outstanding piece of information... It is sometimes very hard to read "recommendations" at times because a lot of posters project their discontent, anger, etc, of what happened in their shoes as a blanket on how every situation needs to be handled. That simply is not the case. Ever. 1
Zagan Posted September 8, 2015 Posted September 8, 2015 I always thought I had such good self esteem and respect for myself. I really do think I am awesome. But then why can't I accept when they leave? Why do I always have to make them see it my way? It's almost like I think SO highly of myself that I get frustrated when they dont lol Well maybe that's something about you that frustrates them.
Author Otter2569 Posted September 25, 2015 Author Posted September 25, 2015 It's been almost 4 weeks of NC on my part. It's my birthdays and she sent me a nice email with birthday wishes etc...should I at least say thank you or acknowledge this? I'm sure the answer is no but I am feeling a bit vulnerable so thought I would ask.
PaperCrane Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 I'm sure the answer is no You would be correct.
jen1447 Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 What do you really want things to be like between the two of you?
greenleaves54 Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 I recently got dumped so my advice might be affected by that. But I think a simple "Thank you" would be a good option here. I realize they are the ones who dumped us and we have absolutely no obligation to stay in contact. But just saying "thank you" signals that we don't want any more conversation and that we are quite good on our own, but we avoid being rude. Given that your ex didn't cheat or was horrible to you or something when you broke up, then I would just ignore it. I might be wrong, maybe a "thank you" makes you go way back in the healing process, I don't know. Maybe someone with more experience can elaborate. 1
dumbass2 Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 This is what you posted recently on Sept 4th "Update: I gave in and went to see her. We had a tremendous weekend together: I felt we made substantial progress and left feeling really hopefully. Well that lasted about 24 hours. She went right back into her negativity, mood swings, disparaging and insulting texts then a hysterical phone call. I could fill pages with all the garbage and irrational things she said and did to me. That day was the final nail in the coffin. Its been almost a week and I have maintained NC. When I get sad or weak I remember those last few days and its like a sobering slap in the face. She has BPD, she will NOT change and I do NOT deserve that!" Go ahead and reply to her meaningless birthday wish if you think that's a good idea still. You need to do what you want, but when are you truly going to end this? Like you already said, you know what the advice from others will be. You should be moving on from this. There is absolutely no good that will come from replying to her. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted September 25, 2015 Posted September 25, 2015 https://media.giphy.com/media/4uIsUWvxIu85W/giphy.gif
Author Otter2569 Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 Initially I did not reply We were supposed to go away together for my birthday weekend but obviously that didnt happen. She emailed me a few more times from the hotel we would have been at. They were emotional so I eventually broke and responded. I said thank you and a very short reply. This morning I had three more emails of varying tones. Ughhhh!
Author Otter2569 Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 Jen, honestly I want the love and dreams we shared. What we had when times were good and loving. I also know that she has a mental illness and what I want and what ill get are two very different things. That is why i have to walk away.
TaraMaiden2 Posted September 26, 2015 Posted September 26, 2015 (Well you're taking your time about it.....) Look, every time I contribute to your threads, you take umbrage. But actually, I've never said anything untrue, irrational or illogical. Everything I have ever said in your threads, has been to convince you of doing the right thing. Are you going to put a lid on this thing, and bury it, once and for all?
Author Otter2569 Posted September 26, 2015 Author Posted September 26, 2015 Thx Tara, I do appreciate all the advise that I get and i read all of the feedback. I'd ignored all her emails, texts etc until yesterday. It had been almost a month. I would have married this woman and I have never felt as strongly as I do towards anyone before. It a cruel trick to find the love of your life and find out you cant have it because she has a mental disorder.
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