Can't cope....

[Wakingup85]

Hi all,

 

First post so bare with...

 

I am 29 and my ex gf is 32.

 

We had been together for about 2 years, when we first met we were both married and left our partners for each other as in each in other we saw what love really was, we had such a connection so quickly and we both felt like this is what we had been looking for, proper true love.

 

Over the 2 years there were plenty of issues, mainly with my side and my ex (we both have kids from previous marriage ). Her ex seemed to accept things and they had a good arrangement, but mine kept my daughter from me, messed us around etc with handover of.childcare etc

 

Another big problem is that my parents never seem to like my new gf, probably becuase they are old fashioned - but this didn't bother me as I knew I had found my soulmate.

 

Now we fast forward to a couple of weeks ago, I know my parents and my ex are still underlying issues but we seem to be ok. I moved in with my gf (from living with my parents ) but at the exact time my ex had actually been keeping my daughter from me so courts were invovled etc, just all bad timing. I was in a bad place and was having a lot of alone time just sitting and not sure what to do.

 

I don't kmow whether I took her for granted, or didn't see how muh it wss getting to her, but my gf decided she couldn't cope anymore and just sent me a message while I was out one night saying she couldn't cope anymore.

 

I was devastated, she then turned around and said that she needed space, we'd gone from constant contact to nothing, she had said that sometbing had just snapped and too much had happened.

 

Worst thing is I'm still going through custody stuff, no longer have a home as my parents won't tske me back (saying I should try and make.it work with my gf). She says she still loves me but and will always care for me but it's just different now.

 

I can't decide if I should be angry becuase she did this to me which means I have no home and no daughter. Once more I love my gf daughters as my own so feel like I've lost them too. But at the same time maybe I can't blame her for not being able to cope with things.

 

I'm basically living out of a hotel hanging around her village which I know is not healthy just in case she needs anything. She keeps saying I need to give her space and im clinging onto the one bit of hope that she might come back to me (possibly stupidly) but she's got a full social calendar planned, nights out constantly and all I have is this insane jealously feeling that she's gonna find someone else, or have a one nigjt stand or some thing.

 

The thought of her doing anytbing with anyone else kills me and I can't describe it. I've been in tears so much and not eaten in 5 days. What makes it worse is I'm on holiday from work atm,have no family and she was my life so I have absolutely notning to distract me (hence why I keep hanging around just in case she needs me). I've even left shopping at her house for her to try and help-she's saod thank you for it but I can tell she feels awkward for me doing it.

 

I don't know how to cope with all this, I am overwhelemed with worry and jealously that she's gonna get up to stuff with other guys, but I can't help but blame myself for taking her for granted, not involving her more.

 

I feel like I've lost my true love and soulmate and it's all my fault. I even got so low I contemplated ending it...told her...I was in tears at her house but all she said was that she was sorry but she really had to go out (meeting friend for meal) which really got to me as to why that was more important.

[TaraMaiden2]

First of all, please understand this:

 

There. Is. No. Such. Thing. as. a. Soulmate.

 

if she really WAS your soulmate, she would be with you.

It's all just a desperate, needy construct in your head, and you need to stop seeing her as your 'soulmate' because if you were to tell her she is your soulmate, she would either get irritated and very annoyed, or laugh in your face.

 

Secondly: face it.

 

She has gone. The only uncertainty about your future with her, is the one purely created by your troubled, and desperate mind.

You're in a 'bad place' mentally right now, with too much to think about.

 

This one has gone.

She has 'left the building'.

 

Meeting her friend was more important, because she knows it's over, there is no more and you are no longer a priority.

 

Lock the door, put it away, and focus on what you SHOULD be focusing on.

The love, care and attention you need to give, reserve and focus on your daughter.

She needs a strong dad, not a weak wuss who gave his heart away to the wrong person.

You should never date someone new, while someone 'old' is still so prominent and constant in your life.

 

Get this over with. Deal with the practicalities required in your divorce.

Concentrate on your family, the members who need you, because they won't respect a father who's blighted by his own desperation.

 

Get a grip, turn your head and do what needs doing.

 

Quit trying to cope with everything at once, because the problem you believe to be the major one - is not a problem at all.

She's gone.

Permanently.

So quit clinging to a desperate want, let her go, and do what's right.

[Syirrus]

They say, if you don't within, you go without. I wouldn't blame yourself for her leaving. If the love is true, then it endures (I'm assuming there was no abuse or other things on that level that would understandable cause someone to split). You went through a hard time with your ex and child things. It's understandable that you would be firing on all cylinders.

 

As difficult as it is to let you go, you must. She is "busy" because her interests are elsewhere. If I asked you if you wanted a ferrari would you tell me that you needed some space to think about things even though I might give it to someone else if you don't take it?

 

Probably not, you would take me up on the offer if it was something you really wanted. It's not the best delineation, but the point is you're offering her something that she cannot get from someone else, and that is you! Appreciate that fact and things will become more clear for you.

 

It seems like you have some guilt about how things went down between you and the person that needs space. Can you look in the mirror and say that you did the best you could? Either way you have to forgive yourself.

 

I know it won't take away the emotional withdrawals you are experiencing. The ball is in her court and I suggest in the mean time you grab another ball and shoots some hoops by yourself. What things do you really like to do? Surely there has to be something that will take the edge off of the pain you feel.

 

Is any of this making sense?

 

Syirrus

[Wakingup85]

It does all make sense yeh.

 

I know I need to be stronger for my daughter, I just miss those other 2 girls whom I counted as my own.

 

I know im probably wastefully clinging onto hope. And I'm are in time I can cope with things, it's just the speed of it all. She seems to have a new life set up straight away, I know I'd eventually have to cope with the idea of her being with someone else, I just don't know if I can cope with the idea yet.

 

There was no abuse, but I know it got to her about how I had been dealing with my issues surrounding my daughter recently, in that I didn't include her as much as I should and I hid away. That's why I blame myself, if I'd had just included her more then maybe she wouldn't have had enough, and maybe I wouldn't lose what I consider to be the love of my life. Becuase I still know that what I feel for her is more than I have and will ever feel again - I thought she felt the same but obviously she had her limits.

 

I appreciate any comments, typing on here is the closest I hAve had to talking to anyone (as don't have anyone out here in real world)

[Wakingup85]

And the whole thing about soulmates. ....she used to say it too. Right up until the split we would say how we never had anything like this before and that we were soulmates

[Wakingup85]

And as for hobbies, I'm a geek at heart and I would usually play computer games but don't have a home to do that now.....

[Syirrus]

It does all make sense yeh.

 

I know I need to be stronger for my daughter, I just miss those other 2 girls whom I counted as my own.

 

I know im probably wastefully clinging onto hope. And I'm are in time I can cope with things, it's just the speed of it all. She seems to have a new life set up straight away, I know I'd eventually have to cope with the idea of her being with someone else, I just don't know if I can cope with the idea yet.

 

There was no abuse, but I know it got to her about how I had been dealing with my issues surrounding my daughter recently, in that I didn't include her as much as I should and I hid away. That's why I blame myself, if I'd had just included her more then maybe she wouldn't have had enough, and maybe I wouldn't lose what I consider to be the love of my life. Becuase I still know that what I feel for her is more than I have and will ever feel again - I thought she felt the same but obviously she had her limits.

 

I appreciate any comments, typing on here is the closest I hAve had to talking to anyone (as don't have anyone out here in real world)

 

Your hope is not wasted, just misdirected . Hope for experiencing love in a greater capacity once you have healed. I understand that your guilt associated with how you handle things is motivating your choice to hold on in part. No lines were crossed between you. I just don't think having ex troubles / kids (in the capacity you shared) warrants someone who proclaims to be in love (her) to saddle up and leave. Love endures, because it chooses to forgive and let go in the face of understanding. Seriously, she cannot put herself in your shoes and see that you had a difficult time? I don't think you are coming up short here. She just wants something else and so do you. You want someone who is going to hang in there. You want a bigger love. You want to express the emotions you are feeling now in a positive way towards someone who will appreciate you for who you are and what you stand for!

 

The last I check the people on here are in the real world and are here to help one another Please focus on yourself. Ask yourself the difficult questions. Forgive yourself, it doesn't sound like you behaved badly, you just had a rough time understandably so.

 

John

[Satu]

That's why I blame myself, if I'd had just included her more then maybe she wouldn't have had enough, and *maybe I wouldn't lose what I consider to be the love of my life. Becuase I still know that what I feel for her is more than I have and will ever feel again - I thought she felt the same but obviously she had her limits.

 

I appreciate any comments, typing on here is the closest I hAve had to talking to anyone (as don't have anyone out here in real world)

 

Whenever I hear people talking about 'soul mates,' an alarm goes off...

 

The alarm tells me that there is a degree of unreality in the thinking of the speaker.

 

Forget about 'soul mates.'

 

We are ALL just people, trying to build lives that work and make sense.

 

We are ALL just ordinary people.

 

'Soul mates,' pixies, elves, and goblins don't exist.

 

You, as an ordinary person, have a life that is in a very bad state.

 

Forget about your (ex)girlfriend for now, and shift your entire mental capacity to solving your access problems regarding your daughter.

 

Don't neglect more important things whilst you are "hanging around her village which I know is not healthy just in case she needs anything. "You're right; it's not healthy.

 

Find somewhere decent to live, so that you can show the courts that you have a place where you can spend time with your daughter. There needs to be a bedroom for her and all the other facilities she will need. If you don't have those, it really counts against you. It could lose you your right of anything but the most minimal contact with her.

 

Attend to practicalities.

 

Forget about your (ex)girlfriend, and sort out your real-world circumstances.

 

Sorry if I sound harsh, but you are neglecting the most important things whilst you focus on something which is much less important.

 

You can always find another girlfriend, but you can't replace your daughter

Edited August 26, 2015 by Satu

[Wakingup85]

Thanks John.

 

I think it's just the shock. I know a part of me thinks that I brought this on myself becuase I've been all over the place recently with the ex and custody stuff.....I also thought that the love we had we endure all that.

 

I like to think that because we always said how special our connection was, how different it was to anything either of us had felt, that we would work through everything. Then to have her just say she couldn't cope anymore - it's such a shock. And to also know she's already going on nights out all the time (which she says is to distract her and keep her occupied) but I can't help but feel like this doesn't seem to be effecting her.

 

I bet she wouldn't care if I met someone else, yet just the thought of her messaging someone else, let alone kissing and more etc kills me.

[Wakingup85]

Thanks Satu.

 

I know you are right. That's the stupid thing. I know I should be concentrating on other things. But I can't help my thinking. I can't help but be worried that I'll never have that connection again with anyone, becuase it took me so long to find this one.

 

And to think she will find someone else and then knowing she's happy and im alone. ...its just too much

[Syirrus]

Whenever I hear people talking about 'soul mates,' an alarm goes off...

 

The alarm tells me that there is a degree of unreality in the thinking of the speaker.

 

Forget about 'soul mates.'

 

We are ALL just people, trying to build lives that work and make sense.

 

We are ALL just ordinary people.

 

'Soul mates,' pixies, elves, and goblins don't exist.

 

You, as an ordinary person, have a life that is in a very bad state.

 

Forget about your (ex)girlfriend for now, and shift your entire mental capacity to solving your access problems regarding your daughter.

 

Don't neglect more important things whilst you are "hanging around her village which I know is not healthy just in case she needs anything. "You're right; it's not healthy.

 

Find somewhere decent to live, so that you can show the courts that you have a place where you can spend time with your daughter. There needs to be a bedroom for her and all the other facilities she will need. If you don't have those, it really counts against you. It could lose you your right of anything but the most minimal contact with her.

 

Attend to practicalities.

 

Forget about your (ex)girlfriend, and sort out your real-world circumstances.

 

Sorry if I sound harsh, but you are neglecting the most important things whilst you focus on something which is much less important.

 

You can always find another girlfriend, but you can't replace your daughter

 

 

It's a little heavy handed in my humble opinion, but I see the truth here in what Satu is saying.

 

"Different approach for different folks".

 

Whatever approach you take Wakingup85, at least you can mix them all for the best solution for yourself.

 

John

[Satu]

Thanks Satu.

 

I know you are right. That's the stupid thing. I know I should be concentrating on other things. *But I can't help my thinking. I can't help but be worried that I'll never have that connection again with anyone, becuase it took me so long to find this one.

 

And to think she will find someone else and then knowing she's happy and I'm alone. ...its just too much

 

*Yes you can, and you have to, if you want to make things work regarding your daughter.

 

Don't let that slip through your fingers.

 

 

Take care.

[Syirrus]

Thanks John.

 

I think it's just the shock. I know a part of me thinks that I brought this on myself becuase I've been all over the place recently with the ex and custody stuff.....I also thought that the love we had we endure all that.

 

I like to think that because we always said how special our connection was, how different it was to anything either of us had felt, that we would work through everything. Then to have her just say she couldn't cope anymore - it's such a shock. And to also know she's already going on nights out all the time (which she says is to distract her and keep her occupied) but I can't help but feel like this doesn't seem to be effecting her.

 

I bet she wouldn't care if I met someone else, yet just the thought of her messaging someone else, let alone kissing and more etc kills me.

 

Your spider senses are correct IMHO.

 

Come on think about it. All the sudden she cannot cope anymore and leaves. Before the bed is cold, she's going out all the time as if nothing happened between you guys. Then she says it's to get over "the situation". You're right, it's not affecting her in the way it should affect someone who cares. Don't doubt yourself. If the roles were reversed, would you cope by going out and then telling her that you are being clingy?

 

I was in your shoes some time ago. The woman I was with all of the sudden broke things off. The next day, she was out and about having fun as if nothing happened. I was devastated, my world imploded. That day forward I didn't speak to her. Silence spoke for me and years later in spite of her reaching out to me it continues to speak. Like you, in my situation she calculated her actions and planned to leave. That's okay, people have the right to leave, but don't make it out to be because I'm (fill in the blank). If you want something better be big and go for it. Just know that, I won't be waiting around as your backup.

 

It's hard, put on some inspiring music, go for a run and know that in the end you are a worthy of bigger things.

 

John

[Wakingup85]

Thanks again John

 

I just can't understand how we seemed to be so commited to each other. We were each others world's then nothung. It's just so not like her...at least I thought it wasn't.

 

I just need to work out a way to cope. It's hard...I'm not an excercise person.....and she was my world so got no friends....yet she seems to have dozens on call straight away

[Syirrus]

Thanks again John

 

I just can't understand how we seemed to be so commited to each other. We were each others world's then nothung. It's just so not like her...at least I thought it wasn't.

 

I just need to work out a way to cope. It's hard...I'm not an excercise person.....and she was my world so got no friends....yet she seems to have dozens on call straight away

 

No worries,

 

What do you like to do? I suggested exercising because it will boost dopamine and serotonin. I understand that might not be an option for you. How about treating yourself to a movie? Have you checked out meetup.com? You can connect with people with similar interests especially if you are in a big city.

 

Over course we can chat here as well,

 

John

[Satu]

Life isn't ever about just one person.

 

Life isn't meant to be about just one person.

 

Nobody can, or should be, "your world."

 

Have a look at Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs:

 

Maslow's Hierarchy.

 

You have to build your life from the bottom up.

 

You can't build it from the top down.

 

You have no home, so your 1st step should be finding a home.

[Wakingup85]

I like to play computer games....but seeing as I don't have a home at the moment I can't even do that.

 

Is it wrong that I still hope she changes her mind....that if she does I would be back there in a flash?

 

I'm also finding myself imagining right now that she's busy with a guy, out and about, messaging, or more. I kind of think that if I can make myself picture the worst. ...then I am prepared if that is what is really haopening. ...does that make sense?

[TaraMaiden2]

I met a guy once who hated swimming. Yet he swam 100 lengths a day.

He was a fitness freak. Ran, and ran, and ran....always with a 40lb backpack, to increase his load and resistance.

Damaged one knee, and his doctor told him to rest it for 4 weeks. So fanatical was he about running, he made it to 4 days.

Tried to favour the knee by running with a skip and - guess what? messed up the other knee.

Then, still ignoring medical advice, he worked his legs out on a walking treadmill, and eventually messed up both achilles tendons.

So he began swimming.

Great exercise, weight supporting, and repetitive, but very healthy.

But he absolutley hated swimming.

His desire to maintain physical peak fitness, over-rode his sheer hatred of the water (he couldn't wait to be declared fit enough again, to hit terra firma

 

I'm not suggesting you do something you absolutely hate doing, but there must be SOME form of exercise you could actually take to...

 

Such as swimming, or cycling... both of which indicate clubs you could join...

I injured my back some years ago, and damaged the sciatic nerve in my left leg...parts of my left leg are totally numb, and I can't feel the sole of my foot at all. Heels, are out.

So I figured that most exercise require a good deal of foot work, and gave up on long walks and jogging.

And lost a level of fitness I really began to miss.

 

Now? I cycle, back and forth to work.

Admittedly, it's not far - but it's made a hell of a difference to my fitness levels (not to mention my bum now looks small!) and I'm going to take up swimming, because they've just opened a swimming pool at the local school which in given hours, will also be open to the public.

 

You're not an exercise kinda guy.

But everyone likes doing SOMETHING....

My mum, who's in her early 80's, gets off the bus a stop early, and walks the rest of the way, no matter where she's going.

An she cycles too.

Slowly, but steadily.

So I'm sure there must be something out there for you.

(Could you join a canoe club, maybe?)

Look for different things to do. Trust me, it will take you to a much better mental state - and who knows? You could include your daughter!

[Satu]

I like to play computer games....but seeing as *I don't have a home at the moment I can't even do that.

 

Is it wrong that I still hope she changes her mind....that if she does I would be back there in a flash?

 

**I'm also finding myself imagining right now that she's busy with a guy, out and about, messaging, or more. I kind of think that if I can make myself picture the worst. ...then I am prepared if that is what is really haopening. ...does that make sense?

 

*This is a real problem that you can solve.

 

**This is your imagination dwelling on something that may or may not be happening. Its understandable that you think about this, but there's nothing you can do about it. Absolutely nothing. If she wants to take up with another guy, she will.

 

And there you sit with no home and no friends.

 

None of things you need to make it work out with your daughter.

 

Forget about soul mates, and people being somebodies world.

 

Attend to practicalities.

 

 

I'm going to wish you good luck and leave this thread now, because you just don't seem to listening to and reflecting on what people are saying to you.

 

Good luck, and I really hope it works out well with you your daughter.

[Wakingup85]

Apologies if it seems like I'm not listening. This is the first I have talked about this and I'm just ranting a lot. I know im going around in circles.....sorry

[Syirrus]

Apologies if it seems like I'm not listening. This is the first I have talked about this and I'm just ranting a lot. I know im going around in circles.....sorry

 

No need for apologies. It's hard and right now your emotions have the best of you. It happens to us all. There is no avoiding the withdrawal of not being with someone after connecting with them. All the energy you put into thinking about her, carry the thoughts a bit further. She could be out having a blast, but do you really think so? Maybe superficially perhaps.... Someone who was cold to you is going to have a hard time warming up inside.

 

Think about bigger possibilities for yourself and the love you have to offer. It's hard man, I know. If you cannot take it, day by day, then take it hour by hour or minute by minute. When I had my episode, I watched old reruns of Star trek. There was something comforting about it. I struggled, but keep struggling. You have your health, and greater possibilities await.

[Wakingup85]

Do I hold on in the hope she changes her mind? Or do I give up and run the risk that she might then come back and I've moved on........

[Syirrus]

Do I hold on in the hope she changes her mind? Or do I give up and run the risk that she might then come back and I've moved on........

 

I cannot tell you what you should do. If I were in your position, I would consider things finished with her. The reason being, she is not demonstrating the kind of love that I would want to be shown. So I would choose that over the person if that makes sense. The question to examine is what is more important for you. Is it her? Is it how you are treated?

 

John

[TaraMaiden2]

Do I hold on in the hope she changes her mind?

No, absolutely not. She has already made it perfectly clear that she has moved on and is done with this.

 

Or do I give up and run the risk that she might then come back and I've moved on........

 

There will be no second chance.

You should absolutely move on, and simply live life as it unfolds.

 

There is nothing to hold onto.

You're not risking anything.

[Wakingup85]

Thanks. I suppose now it's just a case of getting past the blame stage.

 

I still think that she would have treated me fairly, if I had just done things differently and included her more then she wouldn't have reached this stage.

 

I know I can't do anythung about it now - and I just have to live with the fact that if maybe I had behaved differently with my own issues she would not have reached that point