Letting Go

[MissMoni]

Never thought I'd be back on this forum, but I have returned, this time as the "dumper". I say "dumper" in quotes because I honestly feel as if I have been the dumpee in this situation.

 

I dated my ex for 7 months; in the beginning, it was a great relationship. We went out often, he introduced me to the new city I was in (I had just moved there a few months prior), and we seemed to have a lot in common. He treated me wonderfully (Opened doors, sent me flowers every week, treated me to nice dinners and dates regularly, attended church with me, etc.). I thought, which seems silly now, that I had honestly found "the one".

 

Very early on into our dating I told him that I was a virgin and I intended to wait to have sex until marriage. I also told him that I understood if he was not OK with that and wanted to give him the opportunity to leave if he wasn't. My now ex boyfriend was a little surprised at first (I am a 26 y/o woman), but he assured me it wasn't an issue, and that he had actually wished that he had waited himself for the "right person".

 

Our relationship slowly developed and got more physical, but he always seemed to respect my choice. About ~3 months in, he started pressuring me to go further or to send him pictures, etc. He also started asking me to do thinks like sleep naked with him because he wanted to "feel" me next to him, which I told him I wasn't comfortable with. Then came the belittling. I told him my choice very much was due to my religious convictions.

 

He started asking me things like, "Why would God want us not to do something natural", that "virginity wasn't a big deal" and calling my beliefs immature. He also began to ask me to do physical things that I was uncomfortable with, and pout/get upset when I said no. I should have ended it there, but it went on for 7 months of progressively shady behavior - not introducing me to his family, driving 5 hours away to go visit a female "friend" (and complaining that he was too "tired" to drive the 15-20 minutes to my house to visit me), claiming that I didn't trust him / wasn't attracted to him, and asking me for money -- before I finally came to terms with the fact that he was not who he said he was and broke up with him. When I told him that things he did upset me, he would either a) refuse to talk about things and ignore me or b) claim that everything was all in my head. At one point I told him I felt he was being manipulative, and he completely blew his top and went on and on about how much he cared and that he didn't know any other guys who would "put up" with me. This, combined with the fact that he seemed to have a problem with me having my own friends and speaking to my family "too much", led me to the thought that our relationship was heading towards emotionally abusive behavior.

 

This could have been avoided if he had told me from the beginning that he had no intention of being with me and not sleeping with me. I spent the whole relationship feeling as if I was doing something wrong because he told me that he couldn't "control" himself because he was so attracted to me. Now I see that this wasn't a compliment, but an example of how he couldn't control himself in other parts of his life, as well (i.e., finances, on the job). He made me out to be judgmental and "preachy" when he saw that I had no intentions of breaking my convictions. Ironically, this is the man who said he wanted to marry me and wanted me to be the mother of his child.

 

The crazy thing about all of this is that I still care about him and wish things had been different, because everything had been so amazing at the beginning and I know deep down he is not a bad person, but maybe a bit insecure. I am having a very hard time letting go, even though I know that it's not fair for me to keep in touch and keep his scars open. Has anyone else ever felt this way? How did you cope? I have so much guilt and self-doubt as the dumper, and I almost wish that I had been the one dumped.

 

As a sidenote: He often mentioned that he could never be the one who dumped someone because it would be "giving up" and he couldn't bear the thought of hurting someone else, so I feel like I am the one who had to do the "dirty" work.

Edited August 26, 2015 by MissMoni

[Qboro90]

First off I'm sorry that you've had to go through this, I'm sure it's been rough on you.

 

That being said I think that you and this guy weren't compatible and that's mainly to do with your religious convictions and stance on having sex before marriage. There is nothing wrong with that and you shouldn't have to alter your beliefs or personal choices in any way just to keep a guy happy.

 

I think that when you initially told him you were waiting to be married to have sex he just figured "yea sure, I'll stand by you and say all the right things but eventually she'll give in and we'll have sex". I can almost guarantee that was his mentality going into the relationship, hence why he was trying to push the envelope and get you to do more and more things. I.E sending pictures, sleeping naked with him etc. if you slept naked with him he would've started touching you in hopes that your body reaction and emotions would take over and you'd "give in" so to speak. Then once you did that he would've had the leverage of "well you've already done this so then it's not a big deal to just have sex" or "we've had sex once already so there's no point in waiting to do it again, cats outta the bag already". So kudos to you for holding by your convictions and not letting someone else sway you.

 

As far as getting back together or reaching out to him. I think that would be a bad idea. Unless you're willing to sleep with him now which in my opinion is pointless and would make you regret it or resent him for making you do that in order to save the relationship. Him and a lot of guys do want to engage in a physical sexual relationship with women and the girls they date. You already know this as you made him aware and gave him an "out" before you started dating so I believe that once he saw you weren't going to give in and his "charm" or "persuasive tactics" didn't work, that's when he checked out.

 

That isn't going to change and despite your feelings for him it seems you just weren't compatible. You're clearly a religiously dedicated girl and if it's that important to you to wait till marriage to have sex then you should hang in there and realize that the one you end up marrying will be worth it and you'll be glad you didn't go back to this ex and give in. What if you reach out to him and start seeing one another again, you give in and sleep with him and then a week or a month later he breaks up with you? Then you'll really hate yourself for being "that girl" who gave up her beliefs for a stupid guy. Stay strong!

[MissMoni]

Thank you, Qboro90. I too see it as a case of us not being compatible, although he was very upset when we broke up and said that I was giving up, that he treated me "the best he knew how", that he had treated me better than any girl he had ever been with, etc, etc. He also said some spiteful things about how he hoped I found the perfect guy and lived a perfect "holy" life and that I was better off without him. I tried to explain to him that I didn't feel any ill will to him, but I felt taken for granted and that I wasn't happy and couldn't make him happy. I think that you are right in that talking to him again will not serve a real purpose as he seems hellbent on hurting me and making me feel bad that I "dumped" him (i.e., deleting me from social media, ignoring me, being hot/cold). I shouldn't have to deal with this any longer and even though I do care and we had good times, I think that he is being very immature about the entire situation.

[MissMoni]

And I guess he'll be fine, eventually. All he has to do is go find another girl to have sex with. I'm sure he'll be even happier than he was with me.