Ex girlfriend wrote college paper about me; not sure how to take it?

[lebowski99]

Ok, so I was with my ex for 2 yrs, but things turned extremely sour after being suffocated by her constant accusations of cheating and daily inquiries about whether I actually loved her or not. I posted a question about her a couple weeks ago when I was informed she was dating someone else, but apparently that's already over with. We broke up about a yr ago, however, attempted to reconcile for about a month 7 months ago, but it was obviously unsuccessful.

 

So anyways, the break up had affected me to what I would consider an intense magnitude when it was initially over, but as time had moved on, it faded some.

After I kicked her out of my house the first time for beginning to lie to me and possibly seeing someone else behind my back, I moved on by going out a lot and distracting my self in every way possible. A couple months after the break up, she had begun texting me random things on a fairly regular basis about memories and things of that nature we had shared together. I had ignored her for a fairly long time, but then once life slowed down for me some, I ran into her late at night on a saturday at a store, and from that night on we tried to make things work again.

 

It ended up not lasting because she began lying again and acting distant, but I wanted the closure to know that even if I did everything right, it wouldn't have lasted regardless. Because after being wore down from her constant attitude and accusations, I had grown less tentative with her and more stoic. Only perpetuating her insecurities further, however I was exhausted from it all...

 

Ok, since then I had missed her immensely again for a while because I can never seem to find a girl that can compare to the pedestal on which I placed her on, but I started becoming more absorbed with school and work and doing things that positively influenced me physically and spiritually. But then as mentioned, someone had mentioned her dating some other guy, and I kind of retracted some on progress I had already made. The advice I got helped me gather myself some and collect my thoughts. I've started classes again and am in my final yr at a major university, and I feel so refreshed and rejuvenated being back at school. Although I still have fleeting thoughts of my ex practically daily...

 

And one last thing, our relationship wasn't all bad. That's why its been hard to entirely extinguish any feelings. We were madly in love, but she had a very rough upbringing which I would attribute to her insecurities and rough upbringing. But she is beyond gorgeous from head to toe, and she could be so deep and profound when we would have intimate moments. She felt like my true soul mate sometimes, something I've never felt with anyone else, including 2 other exes I had loved... She was just so insecure--although denied it--and I couldn't take it. Sex was still really good for a while, but even that began to decline and eventually there was nothing making me wanting to stay. I just wished she could learn how to communicate better and trust me...

 

Ok, so after all that, a couple days ago she emailed me a paper she had written for a college class. It was about who has influenced her most in her life. She wrote it about me, and said that I had been her biggest influence and she admired me more than anyone else in her life. She spoke about how much she had loved me and how I inspired her so much. About how she can remember particular times we shared where I would speak with her and she would feel so motivated to achieve so much out of life by talking with me and by seeing how driven I am. She spoke about how her whole family has never achieved anything, and she said I've done more for her than I'll ever know and she tries to be like me in a lot of regards...

 

So she wrote the paper, but I don't get how she can send that to me and have these positive feelings towards me, because since we had broken up the last time, she has been very aloof and acted like she doesn't care about me whatsoever. She acts like I've been worthless to her in life, although I really did develop a strong spiritual bond with her, but she also respected me because I knew how to be assertive and not let her disrespect me when she would be behaving irrational. I was the one that ended it both times, but she acted like she didn't care in both instances... But I just don't get it because she has even talked poorly of me since then, and made it seem like I seriously meant nothing to her. So how can she write this letter, when every indication she has given before made it seem like I've done nothing? I'm just trying to make sense of it all and understand her thought process...

 

Btw, I study psychology for instances such as this. I really feel like I have to understand what's going on in the mind of others as almost all times. I love to understand peoples underlying motives and what compels them to behave how they do... I can make my own conclusion on what I believe is occurring here, but I would like some outside perspective on the manner. I know this is extremely long winded, but it's greatly appreciated. Thank you

[mightycpa]

You broke up with her twice, and each time, she put up a defensive mechanism because she didn't want you to see how wounded she was.

 

Seriously, what did you expect her to do? Drop to her knees, throw ashes on herself, wail and tear her hair and clothing? Then, to help herself get over you, and rid herself of tender feelings, she badmouthed you a little bit? Is that so strange?

 

I get the sense she's coming to terms with everything, i.e., she has made peace with your decision, and she's taken a step to let you know that she knows you're a good guy, even if one or both of you isn't a keeper for the other. That's it. Take it as a compliment and move on ... nothing to see here.

 

Now, speaking of knowing what makes people tick, why are you so hung up on this?

[Chi townD]

I think Might hit it on the head. Nothing to add here.

 

 

But, what were your thoughts?

[lebowski99]

What you're saying makes sense, but I'm saying that it didn't seem like some defensive mechanism "act"... The reason I broke up with her in each instance was because she had began lying about things such as where she had stayed the previous night and who she was with. The first time this occurred, I had already been very disinterested in the relationship for months before the initial break up, but it still hurt that nothing I ever did fixed things. I was just at a loss and overwhelmed by it all. No amount of communication ever helped because she was incapable of reciprocating open, honest feed back, which ultimately festered resentment on her part. I even tried to explain that not communicating about things would build resentment, but it was futile.

 

So eventually she started doing things behind my back and grew very distant and was doing things behind my back, so I had no choice to end it. To which she seemed to GENUINELY not care. I really don't believe it was an act because she had already been moving on with ease since then... But a couple months after the allure of what she was doing with whoever else had faded, she began to text me sporadically. At one point mentioning that nobody can make her feel like I do and trying to remind me of past memories. And although I had grown unhappy in the relationship, I just saw so much potential in her. Whenever she was being her true self, she could open up and be so absolutely compatible with me. She really felt like my perfect match sometimes. And I had kind of regretted allowing myself to become more pushed away and not being as tentative as before because I feel like she used that as a way to justify her eventually doing things behind my back...

 

But I really tried EVERYTHING. Her jealousy was CONSTANT. She was literally obsessed with me at one point. It was just so tiresome and she eventually would have an attitude a lot of times and I just didn't know what to do. Most people would have already left, but most people hadn't experienced the intimate moments we had together. Although I do realize that's a generic response for people who've been in abusive relationships who try to rationalize why they stay with an abuser, but she really had qualities that I had searched a long time for and haven't found since...

 

So the second time I wanted to kind of AT LEAST prove to myself that if I go back to being tentative towards her and working to make things the best they can be between us, that even if things didn't last again, I could move on without any regrets. Because although it was reasonable of me to have been so fed up the first time, I just had some regrets because it made me feel like I was part of the reason it didn't work. So the second try that only lasted a month, I was affectionate and funny and patient and communicative and I try to make a conscious effort to make things good between us. I wasn't overbearing though, I just tactfully tried to do everything possible to recreate the love we once had... But the problem is, the whole time she acted distant and unsure of whether she wanted to be together. But SHE was the one that initiated the reconciliation. I got her lying once, then just simply explained that if we were to be together, we can't have any lies. I wasn't upset or anything. I just told her I can't be with someone who lies to me. But then the second time I caught her lying, I ended it for good.

 

So I believe it wasn't an act. But her actions are always so contradictory. She said she wanted to be together, but then acted like she didn't want to be. The second time she lied to me she said she was doing something else, but I ended up finding out she was actually hanging out with some guy... So I'm not sure if it was a defense mechanism thing at all.

 

But that's my question. Even since the last 8 months, she has been with at least one other person that I know of, and she acts completely over me and like I was nothing to her. I only broke up with her out of necessity. It's not like I was intending for her to feel any certain type of way. She didn't seem to care anyways. So how can she speak so positively of me now, when all of her behavior completely contradicts that. It makes no sense

[lebowski99]

And the reason I'm mentioning it or even thinking about it is because it's just kind of random and completely opposite of what I would expect. I've been living my life and have been successfully pursuing and achieving some goals in life, but for some reason I still haven't gotten completely over the relationship. I have had some short stints with other girls since the end of the relationship, but I still haven't found anyone who I see that much potential in. I know by this time next yr she'll be nothing but a faded memory, but I just know it's going to be extremely hard trying to replace what I felt with her. Despite the issues

[mightycpa]

So, in other words, she was young, didn't know how to keep a relationship, but was an ace at ****ing one up. That's not unusual either.

 

She had feelings for you, wanted to keep you around, but also wanted to play the field without giving you complete freedom. Also not unusual.

 

I believe she was confused. I'm not saying you'd want to stay with her, but young people can and do act this way. It is not rational in adult terms, but it is rational in that she wanted the best of everything available to her, and was willing to cut corners to get it. She simply didn't realize that you can't win that way either. She was conflicted, and took a questionable path. You were her victim.

 

So you bailed, and tried your hardest and bailed again. You think she wasn't hurt by that? I'll bet you're wrong. I'll also bet she's done some thinking and has grown since you knew her.

 

It's an olive branch. You have to consider that she turned this thing in for credit. She does like you, she's said as much. Maybe this move is even a little manipulative, in which case it's fair to say she hasn't completely washed the bad part of her personality out. But either way, it's not your problem.

 

You ought to really focus on why you haven't completely gotten over a person who shat all over you, to hear you tell it. To me, that says that a part of you continues to identify with the couple you used to be. You need to do a little more thinking about what part of you can't let go, and why. Forget about her, you can't change her. But you? There's potential there.

[lebowski99]

That's a very thoughtful reply and I really appreciate you taking time out to help me sort this out.

 

In regards to you saying she probably wanted the best of everything, that's probably true. But it's hard to think that she would want to "play the field" when at one point she was literally obsessed with me. She even said before that she used to be obsessed with me. She had made comments sometimes when we would go out about how the waitress probably thinks I'm so sexy or say how every girl that sees me thinks I'm sexy. She even got kind of annoyed one time and was telling me I was too perfect and she hated it. She used to even try to leave hickies on my neck for other girls to see.

 

She's done plenty of very irrational things that stem from her insecurity and jealousy, but at first I was glad that my girl was so enthralled by me. However, I did everything I could to mitigate her irrationality and to absolve the problems that resulted from it. She used to say she couldn't EVER imagine herself with anyone else, and she meant it. But after the first probably 8 months, she began to question my love EVERY DAY. She would say that I didn't love her like before and always say I'm probably cheating. She even texted me from other numbers on a couple occasions acting like other girls to see if I would take the bait. She even started an argument with an ex of mine she was always jealous of... But what I don't get is how she can be so insecure when she is GORGEOUS. Like she is literally one of the most attractive girls I've ever seen. That makes it even harder, to be honest.

 

And I know that what I've mentioned makes it seem like she was nothing but a night mare, but those are the times when she would get caught up in the moment and be carried away by her ego. What made me love her so deeply was the moments when it was just us two together. It's literally indescribable. We could talk for hours and just be carried away by each others presence. When we would touch each other physically it was like a wave of love just coursing through me. I remember a couple of occasions where we went a couple days without seeing each other, and we would get into bed with each other and just hold each other so tight and it would be like an "ahhhhhhhhhh!" moment. It just felt like such a huge sigh of relief and the entire world seemed to disappear. When we would have sex sometimes, it felt like our souls seriously merged together and I have never in my life felt so alive and exhilarated. The love was palpable. She had even cried on a few instances when we got done from such a rush of emotion.

 

And sometimes I would look into her eyes in our most intimate moments, and feel like I could seriously see into her inner most self. I could see her pain and I wanted nothing more to love and cherish her more than she had ever been in her life. I wanted to make her feel her worth and value through my love. I just wanted her to know that she was worth loving and she was amazing. I wanted her to see her beauty in the reflection of my eyes. But I never could. And after so long of trying and trying to communicate, I started to give up. I thought "well if she doesn't believe I love her even when I try to assure her everyday, then why even try?"... But that only perpetuated her belief that I didn't love her once I started to stop putting so much energy in. But it sucked so much energy out of me always trying so hard and making no progress. I really didn't know what to do. And I had always used to be very open and liked to communicate, but she would close down. She even tried to call me a bitch on a few occasions for wanting to talk about things. And that really rubbed me the wrong way. One of the reasons she was so intensely attracted to me was because I'm what some would consider an alpha male because I'm very athletic and I have a ton of respect from most people that have met me, but I'm always kind to people and I really am a good person.

 

So I would be dominate with her sexually, but knew how to be gentle when necessary. And when I would try to talk to her with an open heart, I would just genuinely try to speak my mind and figure out what's going wrong between us and alleviate her concerns, but when someone disrespects me on a repeated pattern, especially someone I love so much, I'm eventually going to start becoming less tentative. I will be a door mat for nobody. I will command respect by respecting my self enough to set boundaries and by being assertive when necessary. I will never let a woman, no matter how much I love her, make me sacrifice love and respect for myself. I just know I can't, although it hurts when I have to maintain my own sense of self at the cost of my relationship. But I know if I let someone disrespect me and think that it's ok, the relationship is doomed anyways.

 

So eventually things got worse and worse, and I wanted to be around her less and less. But I still wanted things to work so much. All I wanted was to unearth who she truly is at her core and get past the issues... But as I had mentioned, she had a very bad upbringing. She lived with me for a yr while BOTH of her parents were in prison for different things. She had been molested by an older cousin for about 6 yrs. She said she was never full on raped, but would be touched on her privates and ejaculated on. And to this day I still wonder how that affects her. Would being touched and ejaculated on affect someone just as much as being full on raped? I don't know to what extent that plays into all of this. And her parents never really cared about her. They have always let her do whatever she wants and have been more concerned with themselves. They're complete idiots... And that's what made me love her even more. How could this person who is so innately beautiful, come from these circumstances? Both of her sisters are completely unfaithful whores, and her whole family is despicable. But she was truly a diamond in the rough. What I've seen inside of her is stunning. She can be so deep and profound and so gentle spirited, but it's all tainted by the negative things she's been afflicted with as a result of a troubled past. I did everything I could to inspire her and help her fulfill her potential, but I was battling too much and it hurt.

 

And I know most people always say "you'll never find anyone else like me" to exes when they split up, but I truly offered her something I don't think she'll be able to find for a very long time, if ever. I was her safe haven at one point. I was her sanctuary in a world of chaos. I was her voice of reason and her constant source of love. But she didn't know how to handle it. She wasn't ready for that love. She is young, but I find it very hard to believe someone else will be able to make her feel a lot of the things I did. I touched her at the depths of her soul and did everything I could to build her up, while most guys will only see her as a sexual object.

 

But that's what has always been hard for me to understand. How could I do so much and pour my heart and soul into making our love work, but she could always act like it meant nothing. And the way she dresses and acts makes it seem like she's ok with being objectified. How can she be complacent with just that? We used to have excellent sex at one point. We couldn't keep our hands off of each other. It was whirl wind of passion, and I provided her things mentally and spiritually that others can't. So how can she just be OK with settling for people who can never make her feel the same? It's just hard to think that it was all so insignificant.

 

And I'm willing to bet her saying something to me about the paper is manipulative. She's VERY intelligent and VERY manipulative. That's another thing I loved about her. She challenged me mentally unlike any female I've ever been with before. She was the total package outside of the insecurities. But I know how she operates. She's probably seeking to make me feel a multitude of ways. First to make it seem like she's completely moved on and she can easily reflect on our times together with a positive outlook and no resentment, and secondly, to make me think about her again and to wonder how she feels about me...

 

I think I've just had lingering feelings because I've never felt a love so deeply. I don't know of many people that have. I've heard plenty of people talk about being in love in their relationships, but not many describe the ways I had felt with her. And yea I know I can't change her. It just sucks to think that what if she does finally change and fulfills her potential and realizes the errors of her ways, and then someone else gets to enjoy her at her best. When I had done so much to make things work... It just sucks to think about sometimes