Seeking with a physical intimacy issue

[nadroj]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 13 months and have had a very healthy and happy relationship. We hit a snag recently because she had just started her career and was working insanely long hours. Since then, expectations have been tempered and I've been getting the chance to see her during the week usually once and then the last few weekends have been all spent with her. So, things are going great.

 

However, our sex life has hit a bit of a snag. I'll preface this by saying we've never been the couple to have sex every night, but throughout most of our relationship, at least once a week would probably be considered normal. We have been having less sex recently, though and it is kind of troubling. Not just from a physical standpoint, but just from a connection standpoint. Since July 25th, we have had sex twice and I've received oral once (I know this because that's the day we came to our senses and made up after our "fight").

 

I know she is very stressed with work and having to deal with friends that don't understand she isn't working this much by choice, but that she has to get it done. I was in the same boat as her friends, because I didn't get it, but I now do.

 

She says she is stressed about the sex thing, which makes her want to be alone sometimes because she feels horrible and than that, in turn, stresses her out because she is pushing me away. I have made it clear that I love being intimate with her because it makes me feel even more connected and that I don't want her to be stressed about it. I also stated that I didn't expect sex every night or every time we see one another or when she wasn't in the mood.

 

She said it stresses her out because she feels like she should want to have sex more, but just doesn't. She says it's probably just being tired and the stress (and that she'd like to blame it on that). She mentioned that a lot of the time she said no, she doesn't want to spend the time having sex because she could be using that time to sleep.

 

I told her that when we had our argument before, I thought the lack of sex might have been because she was no longer attracted to me/interested in me (because I had been a bit insecure), but I said I know that's not the case. She is great in other ways and still emotionally there. She says that's not it at all and that it's literally just her and that the lack of desire for sex dates back to pre-us dating. She did go through a similar thing over the winter in which her sex drive was down because she was depressed, so I asked if that may be the case again and she states that this isn't depression and that she doesn't have an answer as to why she responds the way she does.

 

Does anyone have any clue as to what this may be? Any advice? I believe her 100% when she says that it isn't a lack of attraction/anything to do with me. I am concerned for her health in general due to all this stress/anxiety, but I don't know what to suggest/do to help her. I did mention that maybe she could see a doctor, but she didn't really respond to that suggestion one way or the other.

[nadroj]

Sorry, the title should say "seeking help..."

[catlady11]

May I ask how old you both are? My ex and I (both in 40's) had sex an average of 6-7 times per week). Every couple is different though.

 

Sex can be a great stress reliever! From what you've stated it sounds like she very well could be depressed. Has this happened to her before?

[nadroj]

We are in our mid-to-late 20s.

 

I did also mention that sex can be a good stress reliever and she said that she knew that, but just have a good answer other than stress and rather sleeping. She went through a similar phase over the winter, where her sex drive was low and she was stressed, but I don't remember it lasting this long. Back then, she was depressed and was taking medication for it.

 

But she claims that this is different than that and she doesn't think she is depressed.

[Oregon_Dude]

Sex is important in any romantic relationship (unless there's some prior agreement/arrangement).

 

Give her time. If this continues for months more, you may have to face the fact that you are sexually incompatible, and part ways. Unless you can somehow be OK with this - which you are definitely not.

 

Trust me man, having to beg for sex SUCKS. There are lots of women out there who love to f*ck, all the time.

 

This is actually a good phone call for Dan Savage.

 

Edit: I will also say that sex for a man is tantamount to feeling emotionally connected with your woman. No sex = unsure if you are loved. Resentment. And the whole thing comes crashing down.

Edited August 25, 2015 by Oregon_Dude

[Peachland]

Is she getting enough sleep? I know when I was stressed with work and working long hours…sleep trumped sex all the time.

 

Support her in getting rest and de-stressing in other ways (taking care of errands, making dinner, etc) and hopefully the sex life will be improve.

[Grumpybutfun]

She is exhausted. If this is something that will resolve itself with time, wait it out. If not, she needs to either get a less stressful job, or you two need to schedule sex just like an appointment. Resentment will build over this so work together to find a solution. Explain to her the time she spends worrying about not having sex can be the time it takes for a quickie in the shower. It is all about where you place priorities. I've done the so busy I can't think route and my wife and I made time....no tv, no computer, no books, nothing until we connected intimately.

Good luck,

Grumps

[nadroj]

Sex is important in any romantic relationship (unless there's some prior agreement/arrangement).

 

Give her time. If this continues for months more, you may have to face the fact that you are sexually incompatible, and part ways. Unless you can somehow be OK with this - which you are definitely not.

 

Trust me man, having to beg for sex SUCKS. There are lots of women out there who love to f*ck, all the time.

 

This is actually a good phone call for Dan Savage.

 

Edit: I will also say that sex for a man is tantamount to feeling emotionally connected with your woman. No sex = unsure if you are loved. Resentment. And the whole thing comes crashing down.

 

I agree that sex is important in a relationship (and so does she because she has mentioned it). I think we are sexually compatible, because we have been to this point in our relationship. Like I said, we have never been the couple to have sex multiple times per night or every night, but I think we're both fine with that.

 

Which is why I think this is just a stress/tired thing. I mean up to recently, our sex life had been great and I have been satisfied.

 

I just am concerned for her. To the poster who mentioned sleep, I don't think she gets enough. I don't think she's getting more than 6 hours a night.

 

I think one of the thing that may complicate the sex thing is that we don't live together. We only live about 5-10 minutes apart, but I think if we were living together, it might be easier. Who knows.

[Methodical]

Since July 25th, we have had sex twice and I've received oral once (I know this because that's the day we came to our senses and made up after our "fight").

 

She says she is stressed about the sex thing, which makes her want to be alone sometimes because she feels horrible and than that, in turn, stresses her out because she is pushing me away. I have made it clear that I love being intimate with her because it makes me feel even more connected and that I don't want her to be stressed about it. I also stated that I didn't expect sex every night or every time we see one another or when she wasn't in the mood.

 

She said it stresses her out because she feels like she should want to have sex more, but just doesn't. She says it's probably just being tired and the stress (and that she'd like to blame it on that). She mentioned that a lot of the time she said no, she doesn't want to spend the time having sex because she could be using that time to sleep.

 

She says that's not it at all and that it's literally just her and that the lack of desire for sex dates back to pre-us dating. She did go through a similar thing over the winter in which her sex drive was down because she was depressed, so I asked if that may be the case again and she states that this isn't depression and that she doesn't have an answer as to why she responds the way she does.

 

Life is full of unexpected twists and turns and curve balls, all of which carry stress factors. I agree that patience may pay off provided this is a temporary glitch. Bear in mind that sexual incompatibility is a huge issue that carries its own stress factors (as you are experiencing firsthand) and you need to decide whether or not you can be happy with a mediocre sex life - one where you are turned down more often than not. In many cases, love turns to hurt and then to anger. It's very easy for things to spiral out of control when couples have mismatched libidos.

 

"She would like to blame it on work" tells me she's looking for an excuse. Her lack of desire existed before you entered the picture, and before her work required long hours. When she has time, she'd rather be alone, again using "the sex thing stresses her out" as her excuse.

 

Because she has low desire doesn't mean she's defective and needs to be "fixed." The bottom line is that she isn't that interested sexual relations and admits to "wanting to blame it on x, y, and z," which tells me this isn't a temporary issue. It's just the way she is and it isn't bc she doesn't find you attractive.

[Qboro90]

Have you tried just treating her and giving her an orgasm a few times and not wanting to have sex or get off yourself? Doing that a couple times will kill the "it takes to much time I'd rather sleep" excuse away from her. Also makes you look like an ever more amazing BF. No girl can be pissed after an orgasm and odds are that once she cums she'll want to have sex or at least be in the mood to. So that can work in multiple ways for you.

 

And if she and you and trying to make sex happen more or even if you're trying not to ask or get into it with her then don't bring it up for a couple months. Let her do her job and come home and find a routine that works for her without having to discuss "have things been better sexually with my BF" every 3 weeks.

 

Go a month or two and try to initiate at times she's in a good mood or do what I suggested above about pleasing her. And don't have the "state of affairs" talk so regularly. If it continues to be an issues 3,4,5,6 months from now then I think it's time you have a serious sit down with her and explain that you need more intimacy than this but hold off on that for a bit. A stressful job and work schedule can kill a relationships sex. And trust me, not living together just makes it 100 times harder. I saw a gf of mine only fri and Saturday nights when she started her career so then we both felt like we "had to" have sex on those nights because we wouldn't see each other until the following week. Makes sex more like a job and less like something you both want and desire.

[fitnessfan365]

My advice? Stop talking about sex and take action.

 

It seems like you've put the responsibility for making sex happen on her. So ishe feels guilty and even more stressed. When you care about a woman you want to make sure she's comfortable and doesn't feel pressured. But you can't let that stop you from being the man in the relationship. Let her feel taken care of and prove to her that it's one less thing she has to worry about in her life.

 

Next time you're in the mood, just start initiating a make out session. Move into foreplay and seduce her. Get a bit more rough with her. Instruct her on what you want her to do, etc.. If you put all the decision making for sex in your hands, she won't feel like she has to coddle you and that will make her feel feminine/desired again.

[nadroj]

I have offered to solely get her off before, because I love doing that, but she doesn't take the bait most of the time.

 

The thing that makes me think this isn't a sexual compatibility issue is that our sex life has been good to this point with both of us happy. Aside from her getting stressed at times during school that is. And I think that's what has me a bit confused/at a loss.

 

Maybe I will attempt the mor aggressive route. I used to come on strong, but recently have backed off because I know she has been stressed out about work and the topic of sex itself.

[ExpatInItaly]

I have offered to solely get her off before, because I love doing that, but she doesn't take the bait most of the time.

 

The thing that makes me think this isn't a sexual compatibility issue is that our sex life has been good to this point with both of us happy. Aside from her getting stressed at times during school that is. And I think that's what has me a bit confused/at a loss.

 

Maybe I will attempt the mor aggressive route. I used to come on strong, but recently have backed off because I know she has been stressed out about work and the topic of sex itself.

 

Be very, very careful going this route. I'm a woman too, and if I am too tired or stressed out to get intimate, dealing with a pushy partner is going to make it worse. And if she's not in the mood, she won't be open to be only on the receiving end of sexual pleasure either. Her mind and heart just won't be in it and it won't be fun for either of you.

 

As others have said, you might need to be patient. If this slump continues, work with her to find a solution or decide if you can tolerate this for months on end. Just as she's not in the mood these days, you also can't be expected to feel happy and fulfilled in a sexually lackluster relationship for long periods either.

 

But for the moment, please don't assume that being more aggressive or giving her pleasure are going to solve it.

[deadelvis]

My advice? Stop talking about sex and take action.

 

It seems like you've put the responsibility for making sex happen on her. So ishe feels guilty and even more stressed. When you care about a woman you want to make sure she's comfortable and doesn't feel pressured. But you can't let that stop you from being the man in the relationship. Let her feel taken care of and prove to her that it's one less thing she has to worry about in her life.

 

Next time you're in the mood, just start initiating a make out session. Move into foreplay and seduce her. Get a bit more rough with her. Instruct her on what you want her to do, etc.. If you put all the decision making for sex in your hands, she won't feel like she has to coddle you and that will make her feel feminine/desired again.

 

i was having a serious lack of sex with my partner. I have been doing this ^^^^ the past few days and it's been a crazy turnaround. Talking about the lack of sex = less sex. Taking action and being aggressive works wonders.

[nadroj]

Be very, very careful going this route. I'm a woman too, and if I am too tired or stressed out to get intimate, dealing with a pushy partner is going to make it worse. And if she's not in the mood, she won't be open to be only on the receiving end of sexual pleasure either. Her mind and heart just won't be in it and it won't be fun for either of you.

 

As others have said, you might need to be patient. If this slump continues, work with her to find a solution or decide if you can tolerate this for months on end. Just as she's not in the mood these days, you also can't be expected to feel happy and fulfilled in a sexually lackluster relationship for long periods either.

 

But for the moment, please don't assume that being more aggressive or giving her pleasure are going to solve it.

 

Oh, yeah, I know.

 

I don't plan on being pushy or anything like that. I used to "come on" stronger when initiating and ever since she has gotten more stressed and stuff in general, I have reined in how I attempt to initiate.

 

Ultimately, this may just be a bad stretch for her, which I am hoping it is. At the start of last week, she admitted that the next two weeks were going to be miserable. So, really, I kind of expected nothing.

[nadroj]

Hey everyone, I'm back!

 

Since creating this thread, I will say that our sex life has been more frequent and, dare I say, even better. She is still super busy and stressed with work/life and sometimes I will go a week without seeing her, but I don't complain about the lack of sex anymore, mainly because we are having it more when we do see each other.

 

One thing that I will say that has gotten me thinking (and maybe I am just making it an issue), is that lately when we have had sex, she has usually had a few drinks. Once, she was pretty drunk. I would say 4 of the last 5 times we have had sex, alcohol has been involved for her (I had been drinking one of the times as well).

 

However, the sex has been great and she even surprised me once after we hadn't seen each other all week by showing up at my place unannounced, which was a big turn on. However, when I later found out she had been drinking a bit, it kind of bummed me out.

 

I don't know if I am questioning this for no reason and, as you can see, completely alcohol-free sex isn't non-existence, but seems to be the lesser experience. I know that alcohol lowers inhibitions and maybe it just puts her in the mood more, but I don't know.

 

Do you think this is a legit concern? Am I putting things into my head unnecessarily? I don't want to ask her about this/tell her it's been on my mind, because it wasn't too long ago that I brought up frequency of sex (which is clearly a bigger issue). It's just something that has been on my mind a little and I don't know if it's self-esteem thing for me or what.

 

Thoughts?

[seekingluck]

I know this is an old thread, but I am personally hypothyroid with hashimotos. When I am not properly regulated my sex drive is basically zero.

 

If she also seems to be tired, have low energy, dry skin, brittle hair, feels cold often and a whole ton of other symptoms that seem like stress, she might have a thyroid problem too. It is actually pretty common.

[StocksnBlondes]

We are in our mid-to-late 20s.

 

I did also mention that sex can be a good stress reliever and she said that she knew that, but just have a good answer other than stress and rather sleeping. She went through a similar phase over the winter, where her sex drive was low and she was stressed, but I don't remember it lasting this long. Back then, she was depressed and was taking medication for it.

 

But she claims that this is different than that and she doesn't think she is depressed.

 

Antidepressants decrease sex drive ...is she currently taking any?

[Grumpybutfun]

Hey everyone, I'm back!

 

Since creating this thread, I will say that our sex life has been more frequent and, dare I say, even better. She is still super busy and stressed with work/life and sometimes I will go a week without seeing her, but I don't complain about the lack of sex anymore, mainly because we are having it more when we do see each other.

 

One thing that I will say that has gotten me thinking (and maybe I am just making it an issue), is that lately when we have had sex, she has usually had a few drinks. Once, she was pretty drunk. I would say 4 of the last 5 times we have had sex, alcohol has been involved for her (I had been drinking one of the times as well).

 

However, the sex has been great and she even surprised me once after we hadn't seen each other all week by showing up at my place unannounced, which was a big turn on. However, when I later found out she had been drinking a bit, it kind of bummed me out.

 

I don't know if I am questioning this for no reason and, as you can see, completely alcohol-free sex isn't non-existence, but seems to be the lesser experience. I know that alcohol lowers inhibitions and maybe it just puts her in the mood more, but I don't know.

 

Do you think this is a legit concern? Am I putting things into my head unnecessarily? I don't want to ask her about this/tell her it's been on my mind, because it wasn't too long ago that I brought up frequency of sex (which is clearly a bigger issue). It's just something that has been on my mind a little and I don't know if it's self-esteem thing for me or what.

 

Thoughts?

 

Only if her alcohol intake has risen exponentially. Otherwise, enjoy it as it may be part of her stress relief routine. I think you think too much.

Best,

Grumps

[nadroj]

I know this is an old thread, but I am personally hypothyroid with hashimotos. When I am not properly regulated my sex drive is basically zero.

 

If she also seems to be tired, have low energy, dry skin, brittle hair, feels cold often and a whole ton of other symptoms that seem like stress, she might have a thyroid problem too. It is actually pretty common.

 

I haven't noticed the brittle hair or dry skin, but she is tired a lot and has had low energy with stress ever since she has been super busy at work. I do know she sometimes mentions her glands feeling swollen and thinks she is getting sick, but then doesn't end up sick. Not sure if this would be a symptom of what you are describing or not.

 

Antidepressants decrease sex drive ...is she currently taking any?

 

I don't believe she currently is. About a year ago when she was finishing school, she admitted to me that her sex drive was low because she was taking antidepressants. However, a few months ago when I said the lack of sex was frustrating me, she said she didn't know why she was never in the mood other than just being stressed and tired. I asked if it was possible she was depressed and she insisted that no, these feelings (about everything, not just sex) were different and not depression.

 

Right now we are having sex on a pretty regular basis for how often we have been seeing one another.

 

Only if her alcohol intake has risen exponentially. Otherwise, enjoy it as it may be part of her stress relief routine. I think you think too much.

Best,

Grumps

 

Yeah, I wouldn't say it has increased exponentially. I know that she has imbided a little bit more than usual because of stress levels, but I don't think it's anything alarming or anywhere near a point where she is relying on alcohol.

 

I wouldn't deny that I think too much, as I have been guilty of that before. I certainly enjoy it in the moment, but the next day or several days after we have had sex when she has been a bit tipsy, I sort of feel bad. Maybe it's a, "Is she not attracted to me anymore? She only wants to have sex with me when she's been drinking?" type of thing.

 

I know that's probably unreasonable, as she still does her best to make time for me, is still having sex with me and in general shows me she cares. So, this could well be something I need to work on, but I am also just trying to understand what might be the reasoning behind her frequently only being in the mood when she's had some to drink.