TunaCat Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 What is stopping her from defending herself? Yes, THIS! I don't need anyone to stand up for me. I can stand up for myself.
Author Winterina Posted August 26, 2015 Author Posted August 26, 2015 Yes, THIS! I don't need anyone to stand up for me. I can stand up for myself. And it would be cool with you to have someone be evil ahole to you and try and hurt you, you stand up for yourself and tell them off, but your partner rushes to shake their hand and be all nice with them?
Grumpybutfun Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 I'm old fashioned so my view is that I physically and emotionally protect my wife in any situation. I also protect her by counseling her to not interact or place herself in dangerous or drama filled situations. She deals with her family and I deal with mine, but we have each other's backs. As far as verbally sparring with strangers angrily, my wife is sensible enough and charming enough to resolve conflict without arguing with anyone. She doesn't expect me to resolve her conflicts as she is capable and intelligent. However, no one is allowed to show my wife disrespect without my interference including our children. I'm her armor and she is my soft place. This works for us. Best, Grumps 6
losangelena Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 I'm old fashioned so my view is that I physically and emotionally protect my wife in any situation. I also protect her by counseling her to not interact or place herself in dangerous or drama filled situations. She deals with her family and I deal with mine, but we have each other's backs. As far as verbally sparring with strangers angrily, my wife is sensible enough and charming enough to resolve conflict without arguing with anyone. She doesn't expect me to resolve her conflicts as she is capable and intelligent. However, no one is allowed to show my wife disrespect without my interference including our children. I'm her armor and she is my soft place. This works for us. Best, Grumps I like your approach. Sounds so ideal. Lucky lady! 1
jen1447 Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Absolutely! I often tell people I would take a bullet for my boyfriend if it came to that. And he would definitely do the same for me. Ha - I've 'protected' my BF before. OP, there are ppl who behave the way your guy does, pretty much for the reasons you mention ime. (People pleasers, non-confrontational, etc.) I do believe it's not unreasonable to expect your partner to have your back in those situations. It doesn't have to really be dramatic, but if someone crosses the line they should show in no uncertain terms where the partner's loyalty lies.
fireflywy Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 He should have your back in most situations UNLESS you've been the crazy antagonist (Unless that results in physical attack on you.) Whatever you do, don't ever force him into a situation like this. (Key and Peele Fighting Meegans battles)
S_A Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 At around 11:00 AM this morning I heard a loud "pop" followed by a "thud" outside my window while at work. I'm on the 3rd floor by the way. Within a few seconds I realized someone got punched (experience) and looked outside to confirm. A man hit a woman. Interestingly, I did not hear dialogue before or after. However, just as I began to look outside the window a guy driving a Cadillac slammed on the breaks (you heard the tires screech), got out, and took care of it all. At this point I could hear dialogue, so I'm guessing it could have been a random punch as I heard no dialogue before or after the woman got punched. Ha - I've 'protected' my BF before. At liberty to share?
losangelena Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 At around 11:00 AM this morning I heard a loud "pop" followed by a "thud" outside my window while at work. I'm on the 3rd floor by the way. Within a few seconds I realized someone got punched (experience) and looked outside to confirm. A man hit a woman. Interestingly, I did not hear dialogue before or after. However, just as I began to look outside the window a guy driving a Cadillac slammed on the breaks (you heard the tires screech), got out, and took care of it all. At this point I could hear dialogue, so I'm guessing it could have been a random punch as I heard no dialogue before or after the woman got punched. At liberty to share? Man, where do you work??
Author Winterina Posted August 26, 2015 Author Posted August 26, 2015 Part of me wishes it was me. If it were me, then I would have it in my hands to fix it.
bubbaganoosh Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 I love super protective men. I got a friend who is/was very protective of his wife. The problem was she had a big mouth and popped off quite a bit then when things got heated, she ran to my buddy and he had to cool things down but one night, she started a ruckus and when he got her out of it, he took her outside and verbally ripped her a new one because she didn't know when to keep her mouth shut and he told her that the next time it happens he'll step in only to pick her up off the floor and help her collect her teeth because he was tired of it. Year and a half later she came home from work with a black eye because she didn't learn her lesson. He made her get her own ice bag and she finally got the message. 2
Versacehottie Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 I think, OP, that you might be overly sensitive on some of the examples you listed. And some, of course, seem justified. I think part of the reason you are having problem with it now is you've made it THE issue and are looking for evidence in everything that comes up in life. Part of the stuff you are saying he won't stick up or "protect" you on, needs to be handled by you. If you start yelling at someone in the park or are basically often out of line yourself with strangers, you can't expect him to take up those fights. Same with the big lady on the bus. If she is squishing you, you have a mouth, speak up! And same with taking on your friends for social situational problems. A lot of guys don't like to get involved with all this drama and just because he is your boyfriend, he is not obligated to. Is it really better if he's about to fist fight everyone you have issues with to defend your honor, even when you are not being honorable. The park issue--if it's lady to lady, it would be lame of him to get involved unless other lady got physical. Even when you're right (they should pick up after their dog), going to call out a stranger like that is a battle that a lot of people don't willingly partake in. With the friends thing, sure he shouldn't be overly nice. But maybe he's not stupid and knows when you all make up, as it happens often, he will still be in middle of or done something wrong that he doesn't really believe in but was just in support of you. I do think he should protect you from stuff from his mom and his family. Absolutely. He is the reason you are coming around them and if his family is out of line with you, he needs to attempt to correct it with them. When he does nothing, it signifies to them that it's ok to keep doing it. I forgot some of your other examples. Some of your feelings are justified. But if you are going to remain hyper-focused on this issue you will continue to find "examples" to support your theory. And it will just destroy the relationship. Part of what you want him to do is asking him to BE a different person and that's not cool. It's a little too needy and emotional on your part, I think. That said, you could be paired with one of those really lazy guys who hates, hates conflict of any sort. Or maybe he just thinks a lot of the battles you take up are unnecessary or that sorting them out falls on you. I can't tell unless I heard his side of the story. If you feel this strongly and can't be happy with some compromise, you are probably unsuitable for each other. Guys that fly off the handle in their gf's defense ad nauseum are a special breed. And by special, I mean weird. 3
crude Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 I love super protective men. I love super protective men who get beaten like dogs because their woman has a big mouth or enjoys getting men to fight over her. I wonder if men like that ever learn. 1
Versacehottie Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 I'm old fashioned so my view is that I physically and emotionally protect my wife in any situation. I also protect her by counseling her to not interact or place herself in dangerous or drama filled situations. She deals with her family and I deal with mine, but we have each other's backs. As far as verbally sparring with strangers angrily, my wife is sensible enough and charming enough to resolve conflict without arguing with anyone. She doesn't expect me to resolve her conflicts as she is capable and intelligent. However, no one is allowed to show my wife disrespect without my interference including our children. I'm her armor and she is my soft place. This works for us. Best, Grumps I have to point out, you never sound grumpy:bunny: 3
Versacehottie Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 You took it in the absolutely most negative context possible. Why does it matter who hurts your partner, it is another person and is being an ahole to your gf. Even if it is her own father you should step in to say something. I am the one making more money in my relationship, btw. He lives at my condo too. Ta da. Um no. That's unreasonable! He should not jump into the middle of a verbal fight between you and your dad. Sorry, the more examples and stuff you say, I definitely know part of the reason he does not jump in---you cause a lot of drama and make a lot of trouble. You can't create a wake of destruction yourself and expect that he be involved in every part of it. That's exhausting and completely unreasonable. Why are you having so many issues with other people? It sounds like you fight a lot and pop off a lot (funny term, I like it). If you, by nature, are antagonistic, he does not need to be jumping in on all of that. As someone said above, his best course of action is to try to keep you calm and smooth the stupid sh*t you do over. I bet he does that more than you give him credit for. I know a few couples like this (acquaintances). If you want to be a princess in a castle, where he believes nothing you do is wrong, you have picked the wrong guy. He's not going to go there. He may be the prince that is balancing out your personality. Just a guess. 1
Author Winterina Posted August 26, 2015 Author Posted August 26, 2015 (edited) Um no. That's unreasonable! He should not jump into the middle of a verbal fight between you and your dad. Sorry, the more examples and stuff you say, I definitely know part of the reason he does not jump in---you cause a lot of drama and make a lot of trouble. You can't create a wake of destruction yourself and expect that he be involved in every part of it. That's exhausting and completely unreasonable. Why are you having so many issues with other people? It sounds like you fight a lot and pop off a lot (funny term, I like it). If you, by nature, are antagonistic, he does not need to be jumping in on all of that. As someone said above, his best course of action is to try to keep you calm and smooth the stupid sh*t you do over. I bet he does that more than you give him credit for. I know a few couples like this (acquaintances). If you want to be a princess in a castle, where he believes nothing you do is wrong, you have picked the wrong guy. He's not going to go there. He may be the prince that is balancing out your personality. Just a guess. My dad died long ago so that was hypothetical. But if he were alive and started, I don't know, calling me names and throwing things at me (hypothetical again) I would expect him to stand up for me. This and other post of yours made a lot of assumptions that I already explained before as something else. I said I did stand up for myself with the fat lady in the bus but could not make her get off me by myself because she weighted 3 time more than me and i was just hoping I will not end up falling down and, at best, breaking that leg that was pressed against the stair. What made you think I shouted at anyone in the park, all I said was that I asked a guy to pick up a dog poo and he called me names right in front of my bf.... ETC. Would be nice to read what is written before writing your own story and answering to that one. Also, NO he has NEVER done anything to protect me from ANYONE in ANY situation (regardless of the couple you know and the way things are with them). No, I do not get into any arguments and these several examples are from two year period. Your assumptions again. Edited August 26, 2015 by Winterina
Author Winterina Posted August 26, 2015 Author Posted August 26, 2015 I got a friend who is/was very protective of his wife. The problem was she had a big mouth and popped off quite a bit then when things got heated, she ran to my buddy and he had to cool things down but one night, she started a ruckus and when he got her out of it, he took her outside and verbally ripped her a new one because she didn't know when to keep her mouth shut and he told her that the next time it happens he'll step in only to pick her up off the floor and help her collect her teeth because he was tired of it. Year and a half later she came home from work with a black eye because she didn't learn her lesson. He made her get her own ice bag and she finally got the message. Your friend sure is a lucky lady that she can do whatever she wants and STILL gets protection. He told her when they were alone what he really thinks. Good guy really, did not want to humiliate her in public. But that is some other situation and another person... I never really thought I needed physical protection and never in my life did I need it, but I wonder now if I would ever get if someone attacked me and robbed me or something worse... I have a feeling anyone can come up to me, say whatever they want, do whatever they want and my bf will just be observing (at best) and in addition try and be great to the other person (at worst) because he wants to be really nice to everyone. And you know what they say... if you try and be nice to everyone you will end up being nice to no one. I must say I NEVER had this issue with any other man in my life but him. Never been on my mind. Once I lived with my ex, and someone was drunk in the pub and started calling me whore and all sort of names and I was ignoring the guy (we did not know the guy, did not talk to him or anything so I thought he will stop). But my bf at the time told him - listen you peace of s***, you can call me what you want, but if you call a woman I love a whore, I will ******* break your face. That was really great of him, now in retrospect.
Popsicle Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 I love super protective men who get beaten like dogs because their woman has a big mouth or enjoys getting men to fight over her. I wonder if men like that ever learn. Well, I don't do that. I don't get into trouble but I still like protective men.
BluEyeL Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 OP, you sound a tad confrontational. I think it would do you some good to look if you don't by any chance start too many unnecessary conflicts. This will not serve you well in life . If the boyfriend is not a confrontational person he may not feel it justified to get there and fight with you and for you. I think my boyfriend would kill anyone who was mean to me but we've never had situations when he had to. However I understand what you say too, especially with family, the boyfriend should present the two of you as an unit, defend you and then maybe discuss with you the situation in private if he thought you were wrong. You two may just not be compatible. 3
Author Winterina Posted August 26, 2015 Author Posted August 26, 2015 OP, you sound a tad confrontational. I think it would do you some good to look if you don't by any chance start too many unnecessary conflicts. This will not serve you well in life . If the boyfriend is not a confrontational person he may not feel it justified to get there and fight with you and for you. I think my boyfriend would kill anyone who was mean to me but we've never had situations when he had to. However I understand what you say too, especially with family, the boyfriend should present the two of you as an unit, defend you and then maybe discuss with you the situation in private if he thought you were wrong. You two may just not be compatible. I do not tolerate bs too well, but I wouldn't call myself confrontational. I usually just stop talking to people that do something I consider out of line for one or another reason. Things that happen are usually something I did not provoke in any way, like his mom, my friend's gossip that was meant to harm me (he gossips about everyone), an obnoxious woman in the bus, etc. So no, I am not going up to people on the street and picking up fights. Anyway, if anyone has any stories to share on the topic of the thread, please do.
Els Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 What do you ladies expect from a man, what type of protection? I think we all can agree that if someone would attack you physically in the middle of the street, you would expect him to step in and not be a giant vagina. But what about other types of protection? Social protection? Example: from gossiping "friends", or from someone being deliberately provocative. Would you expect him to be polite, nice and friendly to people that are not nice to you? Protection from emotional harm? Probably from himself the most but everything in general. Financial protection? Something else? I generally just expect that he prioritize my well-being and do his best to take care of me in the aspects that he is good at - I'm not too fussed about which aspects and I don't think it's fair to expect a man to be the 'protector' in ALL aspects solely due to his gender. My SO protects me physically because he is stronger, takes care of me financially because he earns more, and we both take care of each other emotionally. However I am more likely to be the one resolving social conflicts (where there is no physical danger) simply because they don't phase me as much. Basically, all that matters IMO is that both of you should care about each other and try your best to take care of each other in your own way. It shouldn't be a one-way street. 2
Versacehottie Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 My dad died long ago so that was hypothetical. But if he were alive and started, I don't know, calling me names and throwing things at me (hypothetical again) I would expect him to stand up for me. This and other post of yours made a lot of assumptions that I already explained before as something else. I said I did stand up for myself with the fat lady in the bus but could not make her get off me by myself because she weighted 3 time more than me and i was just hoping I will not end up falling down and, at best, breaking that leg that was pressed against the stair. What made you think I shouted at anyone in the park, all I said was that I asked a guy to pick up a dog poo and he called me names right in front of my bf.... ETC. Would be nice to read what is written before writing your own story and answering to that one. Also, NO he has NEVER done anything to protect me from ANYONE in ANY situation (regardless of the couple you know and the way things are with them). No, I do not get into any arguments and these several examples are from two year period. Your assumptions again. I did read your story and I knew the dad thing was a hypothesis and still no he should not be jumping into the middle of a verbal fight between you and your family members. Even from the way you responded to me, it's obvious you like to cause trouble. And same with the advice given here, you are taking the ones that support your cause as correct and valuable and those that don't as not rather than consider them and open your mind. If you want to keep looking for evidence, you will always find it--same as with your relationship with your boyfriend. Since all you took from my post is the things i disagreed with not the ones that I did agree with you. How does telling off a stranger in a park escalate to name calling? Maybe you have a tendency more than others to butt in and take liberties that most others wouldn't. I see people do wrong stuff all the time: littering, out of line kids, poor behavior in public places--do they get called out? Rarely. So you are out of the norm on the example alone. Just taking that example as one of many I'm sure you have. You bf can't be failing to protect you all the time, unless you are having issues all the time. With the part, I bolded, if you feel that way, you should break up with him. Just the fact alone that you are so hard-headed that you can't see that you do not have the right to impose this on him, shows that yes, you probably get into unnecessary tussles and issues with people that he does not want to take on. You are being unreasonable. However, it's possible to find some guy who will be at least more compatible with you so you should break up with this one. I don't think it will work out with him or that you will ever be happy--but maybe that's the real issue--that you are just never happy. Best of luck. 2
d0nnivain Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Winterina Just break up with him. You don't respect him & you don't think he's pulling his weight in your relationship. In some of the examples you cited -- the guy with the dog poop in the park & the fat person on the bus -- yes, I think you are unreasonable in expecting your BF to champion you. That's daily life. Deal with it yourself. He should not let gossips or his mom bad mouth you to his face. Yes, that is bad on his part. If somebody is physically trying to hurt you, of course any friend should do their best to deescalate that, help you flee, protect you to the safe extent possible & possibly call the cops. Him ignoring you at a party in favor of a new acquaintance is bad manners. That is something that can be fixed but only if he realizes it as a problem. Not every couple socializes joined at the hip. DH & I went to a party at the beginning of this month. He spent most of it inside. I was outside. Over 6-7 hours we may have spent a total of 1 - 1.5 together. A former friend of mine was there & I was still fuming about her prior behavior. At one point I saw DH talking to her & wanted to rip his head off for his disloyalty. I didn't. I walked away, came back calmer & when he saw the livid look on my face he immediately apologized saying she came up to him which was true because he hadn't moved in 2+ hours. But this comes back to how you feel about your relationship. If it's as negative & one sided as you paint, end it. 5
autumnnight Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 I grew up with pretty controlling parents, and my ex did one time get the phone from me after we married and told my mother to lay off - she was tying me in knots again and he was tired of seeing me crying. I have to say, I appreciated that. However, he also encouraged me to learn to stand up for myself and draw some boundaries. I don't have a lot of stories to add because basically I am the kind of person who can get along with most people, and because my mom was a master of tact and grace professionally, I learned from her how to gracefully diffuse most arguments. So honestly, there just haven't been any times in my life where I got into something that got so heated I needed protecting. And the one time I was almost attacked on my college campus, no one else was around, so I just flung my heaviest school book at his head and ran screaming It worked. 1
Acacia98 Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Anyway, if anyone has any stories to share on the topic of the thread, please do. @Winterina, sounds to me like being "liked" by people is more important to your guy than anything else (including you). So if it comes down to it, he will choose being liked over having your back in any situation. You're pretty much on your own in that relationship. I haven't dated someone who was that much of a people-pleaser. However, I did date a dude who was an egomaniac. And being admired and praised by people was like oxygen for him. The dude would have thrown me under the bus if it won him a few cheers. Needless to say, that relationship ended.
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