Winterina Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 What do you ladies expect from a man, what type of protection? I think we all can agree that if someone would attack you physically in the middle of the street, you would expect him to step in and not be a giant vagina. But what about other types of protection? Social protection? Example: from gossiping "friends", or from someone being deliberately provocative. Would you expect him to be polite, nice and friendly to people that are not nice to you? Protection from emotional harm? Probably from himself the most but everything in general. Financial protection? Something else?
deadelvis Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 all of those and more. nobody is going to say anything bad about my girlfriend unless they want to be sweeping up their teeth with a broom 4
d0nnivain Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Hugs Somebody to be there in the dark when life gets overwhelming & scary. 5
Author Winterina Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 Hugs Somebody to be there in the dark when life gets overwhelming & scary. Sounds cool. Unless that someone is why the life got overwhelming and scary in the first place.
losangelena Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Sounds cool. Unless that someone is why the life got overwhelming and scary in the first place. What does that mean? What prompted you to write this post, OP?
empresario Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Birth control, usually the pill. Oh wait, that's not what you meant? Honestly this reminds me a lot of love languages. It almost feels like you are asking people what there love languages are? I feel most fulfilled when someone positively re-enforces behavior with kind words or physical intimacy. In my world as a prominent business owner everyone is either a client, employee, or wants something from you. This may sound cynical, but it's not. But I also do it to myself. My world is my company (which is in a trendy industry), and people realize that...and as such that becomes every conversation. People expect you to have answers instead of questions. The only person I can lean on is the person with whom I'm in a relationship. It's the only time I feel like I can open up.
autumnnight Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Of course, if a mugger is coming at me, it'd be great if my man could put him in a sleeper hold.... But really, I don't want someone who necessarily protects me from the world or reality. I just want them to be there with me through it. I want him there to lean on, and he doesn't even have to fix it. 2
Author Winterina Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 Empressario, maybe it is not about love languages but this discussion might be turned into that direction... Your love language are words and physical intimacy. Both are cheap in my book. Heard too many nice words not followed by any action. Physical intimacy people can do with many people without feeling love. I need to made feel like I am in a closed circle, on a team consisting of the two of us, and I need to feel protected - just that feeling when you know someone is there for you and will have your back. I would not feel so if someone would hurt me or try and hurt me and my partner did not change his friendly attitude towards them and given them the cold shoulder, so as to say: "she is not alone in this, if you mess with her you mess with me..." I mean, to convey that impression in others and more importantly in me. Nothing drastic is required at all, or punching anyone, just a look or a short polite sentence would suffice. For example, when someone tells something provocative to me and he would say: "what do you mean by that?" And the other person will know I am not alone and that they have to count with him too. Wish I had that. :-( I never craved protection so much like in this relationship, because I have a feeling that anyone can say and do whatever they want to me, and my partner would just go be his friendly people pleasing self with them. 2
Author Winterina Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 What does that mean? What prompted you to write this post, OP? Guess I just answered that question... Means that you cannot feel safe in someone's arms if that person does not protect you in any way, from anyone, and anything, not even himself.
empresario Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Empressario, maybe it is not about love languages but this discussion might be turned into that direction... Your love language are words and physical intimacy. Both are cheap in my book. Heard too many nice words not followed by any action. Physical intimacy people can do with many people without feeling love. I need to made feel like I am in a closed circle, on a team consisting of the two of us, and I need to feel protected - just that feeling when you know someone is there for you and will have your back. I would not feel so if someone would hurt me or try and hurt me and my partner did not change his friendly attitude towards them and given them the cold shoulder, so as to say: "she is not alone in this, if you mess with her you mess with me..." I mean, to convey that impression in others and more importantly in me. Nothing drastic is required at all, or punching anyone, just a look or a short polite sentence would suffice. For example, when someone tells something provocative to me and he would say: "what do you mean by that?" And the other person will know I am not alone and that they have to count with him too. Wish I had that. :-( I never craved protection so much like in this relationship, because I have a feeling that anyone can say and do whatever they want to me, and my partner would just go be his friendly people pleasing self with them. I see. So this is a problem in your current relationship? Have you told this person how you feel? Is someone harassing you? I feel like there are issues you are withholding. I am very protective of my woman. Of course, I'm also 6'2'', in shape, and well trained. Someone that I eyeball that has me beat in 2/3 of those categories...I'd be less aggressive with my glances. It's easy to stand up to people when you have no fear. Whether you think so or not, in the modern world even a stern look can turn into a fight. It only takes a spark to start a prairie fire. Sometimes the best you can do is support your partner and be the adult by ignoring someone else's poor judgment.
yxalitis Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I see. So this is a problem in your current relationship? Have you told this person how you feel? Is someone harassing you? I feel like there are issues you are withholding. I am very protective of my woman. Of course, I'm also 6'2'', in shape, and well trained. Someone that I eyeball that has me beat in 2/3 of those categories...I'd be less aggressive with my glances. It's easy to stand up to people when you have no fear. Whether you think so or not, in the modern world even a stern look can turn into a fight. It only takes a spark to start a prairie fire. Sometimes the best you can do is support your partner and be the adult by ignoring someone else's poor judgment. Exactly, a lot of bravado here, but unless you are trained and experienced in self defence, and not just a brawler, you'll only get yourself, and possibly your partner in trouble. Scenario, you and your gf are out and a guy sleezes over and mouths off, or is inappropriate to your girl. You can either: 1. Ignore it, and move on, take control by leaving that area, or simply ignoring him. 2. Escalate, tell the guy off, tell him to go away. Worst case outcome in either scenario. 1. You leave and go somewhere else. 2. You end up in a fight with that guy and his mates, they knock your teeth out, and rape your gf. OK, extreme? Read the papers sometimes. Even IF you think you are CAPABLE of defending your gf from thugs and idiots, you can easily be overwhelmed by numbers, rear attacks, weapons... I've seen this, I'm sure most of you have to. If you get hassled...ignore them, if they persist, ask them politely to stop, if that doesn't work, leave. I also don't go to places where this is likely to happen. Part of protecting your partner, is to not put them in a dangerous situation in the first place!
losangelena Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I need to made feel like I am in a closed circle, on a team consisting of the two of us, and I need to feel protected - just that feeling when you know someone is there for you and will have your back. I would not feel so if someone would hurt me or try and hurt me and my partner did not change his friendly attitude towards them and given them the cold shoulder, so as to say: "she is not alone in this, if you mess with her you mess with me..." I mean, to convey that impression in others and more importantly in me. Nothing drastic is required at all, or punching anyone, just a look or a short polite sentence would suffice. For example, when someone tells something provocative to me and he would say: "what do you mean by that?" And the other person will know I am not alone and that they have to count with him too. Wish I had that. :-( So what happened? Was there an incident, or is this just a feeling you have? I mean, it's a pretty big deal to feel that way. Even without hearing any details, I'd say that if your partner isn't doing that for you, maybe it's time for you to see your way out.
Author Winterina Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 I see. So this is a problem in your current relationship? Have you told this person how you feel? Is someone harassing you? I feel like there are issues you are withholding. I am very protective of my woman. Of course, I'm also 6'2'', in shape, and well trained. Someone that I eyeball that has me beat in 2/3 of those categories...I'd be less aggressive with my glances. It's easy to stand up to people when you have no fear. Whether you think so or not, in the modern world even a stern look can turn into a fight. It only takes a spark to start a prairie fire. Sometimes the best you can do is support your partner and be the adult by ignoring someone else's poor judgment. Yes, I am always very open about my feelings and I did tell him about these things. He said he would protect me the next time. He did not. And again. And again. It can be small thing like me asking the guy in the park to not leave his dog poo there where people are sitting and him calling me a ****ing moron and my bf not reacting to any of it. Or it can be a very very big woman in the bus that has forced herself in and the bus would not close while I am bent from her body weight leaning on me...It can be my so called friend lying about me to other people and trying to gossip and ruin my social relationships, and my bf treating him friendly. A woman that he just met at a party completely ignoring me and just chatting with him for 10 min while I stand and watch and try to switch in... His mother being an ahole to me when we visited (a typical dominant and manipulative bf's mother story). A guy almost taking my head out during a game of touch football and I lost a sense of my surroundings and memory for 5 seconds, fell down and did not remember if I caught the ball of not... This is a small part of the story. He never did anything to protect me from any of these people, to say anything to them. I made him send a text message to someone once so as to appear as if I have someone. Sad. So I started wondering if I am asking for too much if I expect him to be there for me in these situations? I am not sure what is normal any more. He told me today, after all the promises that he will be that guy for me, that he is just not that person and will never turn cold shoulder to anyone. I do not need him to get physical with anyone, and it never came to that, but I am afraid I would be on my own with this history of events. I have never been this alone in my life as in this relationships for this and many other reasons.
Author Winterina Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 So what happened? Was there an incident, or is this just a feeling you have? I mean, it's a pretty big deal to feel that way. Even without hearing any details, I'd say that if your partner isn't doing that for you, maybe it's time for you to see your way out. Hehe... answered that question as well. I am on my way out, I guess nothing will ever change. Better alone and alone then with someone and alone.
Keenly Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 What do you ladies expect from a man, what type of protection? I think we all can agree that if someone would attack you physically in the middle of the street, you would expect him to step in and not be a giant vagina. But what about other types of protection? Social protection? Example: from gossiping "friends", or from someone being deliberately provocative. Would you expect him to be polite, nice and friendly to people that are not nice to you? If a stranger says something, I'm going to say something. If some one in her own social life is doing something to upset her, she needs to put on her big girl pants and handle the issue herself like an adult. Protection from emotional harm? Probably from himself the most but everything in general. I can't protect her from living in the universe. Things are going to happen that I can't and won't protect her from. Sometimes these are things that she NEEDS to experience (example getting fired for not doing your job) Otherwise I am not there to protect her from these things, but am there for support and comfort after the fact. Financial protection? Financial protection? What am I, paying off her loan shark? Financially security maybe, but I will not protect her from her own financial mistakes (credit card debt due to shopping) Something else? Answers in bold. 3
Author Winterina Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 Answers in bold. You took it in the absolutely most negative context possible. Why does it matter who hurts your partner, it is another person and is being an ahole to your gf. Even if it is her own father you should step in to say something. I am the one making more money in my relationship, btw. He lives at my condo too. Ta da. 1
Keenly Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 You took it in the absolutely most negative context possible. Why does it matter who hurts your partner, it is another person and is being an ahole to your gf. Even if it is her own father you should step in to say something. I am the one making more money in my relationship, btw. He lives at my condo too. Ta da. What is stopping her from defending herself? I was with a girl once that was incapable of standing up for herself. It was pretty exhausting. 4
katiegrl Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Hehe... answered that question as well. I am on my way out, I guess nothing will ever change. Better alone and alone then with someone and alone. Winterina, wow your post nearly brought tears to my eyes, yes it is quite sad that your boyfriend is such a gutless wonder, that he does nothing to make you feel safe and secure in this world, and probably not in the RL either. Very sad indeed. I don't have much to add except agree that you should show him the door. ((hugs))
Author Winterina Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 What is stopping her from defending herself? I was with a girl once that was incapable of standing up for herself. It was pretty exhausting. I DO stand up for myself. It is just that I am always alone in it, with my partner being a neutral observer. No matter what, he will go and shake hands and be nice to people and laugh with them while I am fuming. He thinks that this is what makes him a nice person. He is a people pleaser and a yes man. Then we will come home and he will apologize and promise it would not happen again... and it does. He never stood up for me.
Author Winterina Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 Winterina, wow your post nearly brought tears to my eyes, yes it is quite sad that your boyfriend is such a gutless wonder, that he does nothing to make you feel safe and secure in this world, and probably not in the RL either. Very sad indeed. I don't have much to add except agree that you should show him the door. ((hugs)) Hugs back. Good to know I am not insane, that is why I asked what does everyone else want along those lines.
losangelena Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Feh, you don't need that kind of guy. It's true, you want someone who's gonna be on your team.
Author Winterina Posted August 26, 2015 Author Posted August 26, 2015 Exactly, a lot of bravado here, but unless you are trained and experienced in self defence, and not just a brawler, you'll only get yourself, and possibly your partner in trouble. Scenario, you and your gf are out and a guy sleezes over and mouths off, or is inappropriate to your girl. You can either: 1. Ignore it, and move on, take control by leaving that area, or simply ignoring him. 2. Escalate, tell the guy off, tell him to go away. Worst case outcome in either scenario. 1. You leave and go somewhere else. 2. You end up in a fight with that guy and his mates, they knock your teeth out, and rape your gf. OK, extreme? Read the papers sometimes. Even IF you think you are CAPABLE of defending your gf from thugs and idiots, you can easily be overwhelmed by numbers, rear attacks, weapons... I've seen this, I'm sure most of you have to. If you get hassled...ignore them, if they persist, ask them politely to stop, if that doesn't work, leave. I also don't go to places where this is likely to happen. Part of protecting your partner, is to not put them in a dangerous situation in the first place! Not really talking about that topic at all. What you are talking are some dangerous situations in which I never found myself in my entire life, but is someone attacked me on the street I would expect his to protect me even physically in that situation, no matter what. Hell, I'd protect him if it came to that.
katiegrl Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 Not really talking about that topic at all. What you are talking are some dangerous situations in which I never found myself in my entire life, but is someone attacked me on the street I would expect his to protect me even physically in that situation, no matter what. Hell, I'd protect him if it came to that. Absolutely! I often tell people I would take a bullet for my boyfriend if it came to that. And he would definitely do the same for me.
Author Winterina Posted August 26, 2015 Author Posted August 26, 2015 Absolutely! I often tell people I would take a bullet for my boyfriend if it came to that. And he would definitely do the same for me. You two hold on to each other. A person you live with in a relationship IS supposed to be your closest and best friend. My boyfriend would not take anything for me, let alone a bullet.
Peachland Posted August 26, 2015 Posted August 26, 2015 You need to feel safe and protected in a relationship. You are not crazy for wanting this. It's at the top of my list of relationship requirements. 1
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