kismetkismet Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 So my ex and I broke up 5 months ago, but were in a sort of.. post relationship relationship where we were trying to figure out why we broke up and if we should get back together etc. I don't regret it because I feel like breaking up actually helped push us forward in actually communicating.. I feel like I have more closure now than if we'd just cut it off. Neither of us slept with anyone else while that was going on, and I didn't ask any further details about whether he went on any dates or made out with anyone or that sort of thing. I did kiss a few people and went on one date.. and he did find out at the end that I had been on Tinder for a part of it (when we weren't really considering getting back together). I assume that something must have happened for him in that time romantically.. 5 months is a long time and we weren't always in contact/considering things. But I don't want to know. I don't think it's relevant to our breakup or why we stayed broken up or anything like that. I also found out recently that there was some conflict between my ex and his roommate over a girl from my ex's past that the roommate ended up dating while my ex and I were together. It's a long story.. but basically it's embarrassing for me because my ex was upset about them dating which means he still had feelings for her while he and I were dating.. and I think he's hung out with her since the roommate and she broke up. They went to see her boyfriend's band play so it wasn't a date or anything but still.... anyway... I think there might be more to that story, but again I don't want to know. I don't think it's relevant - particularly since he and I are staying apart - and I think that it would hurt me and embarrass me because I'm more sensitive than I would like to be. (My ex's vindictive ex randomly contacted me on facebook to tell me that... Even after I asked her not to.) My friend is now going out with the roommate tonight. He randomly messaged her after breaking up with his ex who broke his heart (the one my ex had feelings for) The whole situation makes me very anxious. This girl is an old friend, but not necessarily a good one... She is the type of person that goes through people's phones and facebooks to find information - including mine. She loves conflict and drama and has no sense of privacy. I just want this to be over.. I don't want any more information, I don't want her to have any more information that she will eventually divulge to me 'accidentally' and I don't want her to tell the roommate anything about me either. What can I do to keep this from spiralling into more drama and unnecessary hurt? I don't know if she will listen to me if I ask her not to talk to him about it, but I'm not sure if talking to my ex and asking him to talk to his roommate (who is actually a really good guy) is just creating MORE drama.... Or do I just suck it up and deal with the fact that this might happen and I might be even more hurt by a situation that has gone on too long already? halp.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 What kind of friend goes through your personal information and devices looking for gossip? You need to unfriend her. Now. And yes, you might well hear things you don't want to know. Which is all the more reason why you should not be trying to keep this friendship going.
Author kismetkismet Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 A somewhat crazy friend.. I have tried to distance myself from her for the past several years, but she's my oldest friend and she doesn't give up easily. Also her parents are incredibly abusive and I was there for that growing up.. It's hard to just cast her aside completely when I know a lot of it stems from that. I try to keep our personal lives from overlapping and we mostly just text and occasionally meet for drinks and coffee.. unfortunately this was one situation where they did overlap and i guess I'm going to pay the price for that...
ExpatInItaly Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 A somewhat crazy friend.. I have tried to distance myself from her for the past several years, but she's my oldest friend and she doesn't give up easily. Also her parents are incredibly abusive and I was there for that growing up.. It's hard to just cast her aside completely when I know a lot of it stems from that. I try to keep our personal lives from overlapping and we mostly just text and occasionally meet for drinks and coffee.. unfortunately this was one situation where they did overlap and i guess I'm going to pay the price for that... Prying into your private communication does not stem from abuse. I understand you feel you cannot abandon her, but her behaviour is unacceptable. Have you told her this? In any case, I have a friend (more of an acquaintance now) who sounds similar to yours. I have put major distance between us, but we work together so I have to maintain a civil and cordial relationship with her. But she now knows almost zero about my private life, because I learned she cannot be trusted with the information. She creates drama where there is none. She digs for gossip and has a big mouth. She openly shares details that she knows will get people talking. Why? She is bored and unhappy. She tried to do this with me once, and I let her know the friendship was effectively over. I imagine your friend will continue to do the same, unfortunately. All you can do is tell her you don't wish to discuss your ex at all. If she can't respect that, she isn't your friend. 1
Author kismetkismet Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 yaaa I have tried to do the same. She definitely doesn't know the deeper details of things to do with my ex. I'm more worried about what she might dig for from the roommate and then tell to me.. I have definitely told her it's unacceptable to go through my things. I used to be under her thumb in my teen years, but the last time she blew up at me for something she found in my Facebook messages I just told her straight up that if she was going to go searching for negativity and drama that she was going to find it and that I didn't have any time for it in my life. She generally knows that I don't tolerate that sort of thing, but I can see these two feeling awkward on their very random hangout and resorting to talking about the one thing they have in common - my ex and I. The roommate and my ex are not close, and he's also the person that told my ex that I was on tinder (I wasn't violating anything at the time). I mentioned to her today to try not to talk to the roommate about our relationship because I just want to leave everything in the past (it came up so i slipped it in, i THOUGHT casually).. and she abruptly stopped speaking to me. Knowing her she is pissed off at me for assuming she would. But hopefully she listens at least.
lana-banana Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 [cut for incomprehensible melodrama] What can I do to keep this from spiralling into more drama and unnecessary hurt? Don't talk about it. Don't talk to your "friend" (who isn't much of a friend); if she brings it up, walk away. If she texts you about it, delete the text and ignore it. Don't talk to your ex, obviously. Don't talk to his roommate or his friend or his ex or his brother-in-law or whatever. It's hard to have much sympathy for you when you act like a victim of a situation that seems largely of your own making. You say you're tired of the "drama and unnecessary hurt", but you apparently refuse to do anything to remove yourself from it. This is all so juvenile. Recognize your relationship is over, your friendships will be messy for a while, and move on.
Author kismetkismet Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 No need to be an ******* about it. The 5 months of back and forth WAS of my own making and I said myself that it was necessary to the process of our breakup. That's not the drama that I'm concerned about. We were mature and communicative with each other during that time... it wasn't so much drama as two people trying to sort out their feelings. His ex girlfriend later started messaging me about things that I didn't want to hear about. Sure I could have deleted the messages, but I didn't realize she was going to tell me those things until i'd read the messages. Now my friend is going for drinks with his roommate. I've admitted the friendship is somewhat toxic and that I try to keep her out of my personal life. I don't know how I MADE that situation. They met at my birthday once, and then he recently reached out to her.
Author kismetkismet Posted August 25, 2015 Author Posted August 25, 2015 Also i didn't ask for sympathy.. i asked for advice.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 yaaa I have tried to do the same. She definitely doesn't know the deeper details of things to do with my ex. I'm more worried about what she might dig for from the roommate and then tell to me.. I have definitely told her it's unacceptable to go through my things. I used to be under her thumb in my teen years, but the last time she blew up at me for something she found in my Facebook messages I just told her straight up that if she was going to go searching for negativity and drama that she was going to find it and that I didn't have any time for it in my life. She generally knows that I don't tolerate that sort of thing, but I can see these two feeling awkward on their very random hangout and resorting to talking about the one thing they have in common - my ex and I. The roommate and my ex are not close, and he's also the person that told my ex that I was on tinder (I wasn't violating anything at the time). I mentioned to her today to try not to talk to the roommate about our relationship because I just want to leave everything in the past (it came up so i slipped it in, i THOUGHT casually).. and she abruptly stopped speaking to me. Knowing her she is pissed off at me for assuming she would. But hopefully she listens at least. How on earth does she gain access to your messages? (I'm assuming these are private messages) She is not your friend. Let her continue her silence towards you. Sorry, but she's toxic.
Recommended Posts