realmly Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 It's been well over a month, and every single day I find myself analyzing every bit of the relationship. All my mistakes, all his mistakes, somehow trying to convince myself it wasn't ALL my fault. Somehow trying to make myself understand that it wasn't worth it, it wasn't as good as everything seemed to be, that I had anticipated this break-up for a long time. It's driving me crazy. I keep re-writing, revisiting every single fight, every disagreement, every conversation to somehow get myself to understand we just weren't compatible. I keep watching videos on mental health/narcissism to convince myself that there was something wrong with him, or there was something wrong with me. I've become obsessed with this relationship like never before, and it's making me miserable. The relationship keeps playing in my head like a movie, over and over again. It won't STOP. Has anyone else gone through this? Is this normal? How did you deal with it? Insight, please.
whateven Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I am currently doing this too with my own relationship breakdown (2 years, ended 1 week ago). I certainly think it's normal, and just takes as much time as it takes. It is difficult not to blame yourself when you have been rejected like we have, I know I keep thinking there must be something inherently wrong with me, or that I have done something terrible to make this happen. But that's not the case, so just try not to blame yourself. If your partner didn't love you for you, and all of you, then they do not deserve you!
drade Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 It's completely normal, but only for so long. I did this the first 40 days or so, analyzing, speculating, obsessing. After all the mental stress that accomponied with these thoughts, I eventually checked out. When I think about our relationship, I just get numb. I am exhausted with those types of thoughts. Eventually, you will reach a point where your brain can't use such useless energy. It's in the past, keep it there. Focus on the present. What really helped me is setting a time limit every day to think about it. It's been well over a month, and every single day I find myself analyzing every bit of the relationship. All my mistakes, all his mistakes, somehow trying to convince myself it wasn't ALL my fault. Somehow trying to make myself understand that it wasn't worth it, it wasn't as good as everything seemed to be, that I had anticipated this break-up for a long time. It's driving me crazy. I keep re-writing, revisiting every single fight, every disagreement, every conversation to somehow get myself to understand we just weren't compatible. I keep watching videos on mental health/narcissism to convince myself that there was something wrong with him, or there was something wrong with me. I've become obsessed with this relationship like never before, and it's making me miserable. The relationship keeps playing in my head like a movie, over and over again. It won't STOP. Has anyone else gone through this? Is this normal? How did you deal with it? Insight, please.
K2z Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I am especially guilty of this. I am one of those possible denial cases looking for a fix. There's an intercultural dimension to my situation that leads me to believe/hallucinate that that is the case. My original post, if it is of interest, is here. In fact, I have just retained a Thai relationship coach to review the situation and share a professional opinion as to whether the "lay it on the line" letter I have composed to try to win another chance will be effective. And, I've been a bit of a nuisance on a couple friends for strategy advice. So Hell yeah, I am still analyzing.
BriNyc82 Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Beats me. I'm 3 months post B/U and still analyzing but I find myself wearing myself out and wasting lots of mental energy. I know for myself I eventually just reach a point where I don't care anymore and I get too tired. Usually around this 3 month mark. Hopefully soon!!!
Tuga88 Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Currently doing this also. I think it only stops when you feel so mentally exhausted that you just can't think about it anymore. It is very tiring continually replaying scenarios in my head, it feels like I'm under a constant burden :/
Speirling Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Me too. As much as the time limit thing sounds great, he just barges into my head still and I ruminate.... I have limited my time on here though ( I was obsessing and finding it very triggering) to no more than an hour a day, and have even started skipping days (yey me!). One thing that has helped is writing it down. I've never been a fan of that kind of stuff, but when the thoughts just swirl round and round it seems to quiet them by kind of mentally vomiting it onto paper... I bought a dedicated notebook (nothing fancy, he doesn't deserve it ) and carry it around to blurt things out into it. It's also really helped my need to talk about it with my friends (who have been incredibly patient but it's 6 weeks NC Friday, 3.5 months since technical BU) I can't wait to burn it when it's full; I reckon it will be so cathartic. It is lessening, very slowly, but it is. I got a real jolt of shock a couple of days ago when I realised I honestly hadn't thought of him in a couple of hours. I know these seem like small achievements, and I certainly wish I had more self-discipline, but I also feel like my mind is going to be processing this for a while yet until I can fully accept it and truly move on. I expect that may be a while. It's ridiculously exhausting. Really hope I get some of this numbness other people mention! Keep plodding on, and one day, sooner than you think, you'll realise you haven't obsessed for a few hours. Also, action films or books. Thrillers like Grisham or the Bourne series which are gripping and immersive with minimal romantic storylines (check the description!) or a gory Tarantino. This is my secret weapon for when I need a break- just make sure it's good enough to hold your attention! Sxxx
Oregon_Dude Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 I'm a few weeks out from a b/u of a short r/s (~ 4 months), and yeah, I still replay things and analyze and wonder what I could have done. But lately when I've unconsciously found myself going down this path, I've been able to catch myself and go, "Nope. I'm not going to think about that. It's over, it's in the past and it doesn't matter anymore." If you are able to catch these initial thoughts BEFORE you start going down misery lane, you can effectively head them off at the pass, get rid of them before they consume you. In summary, tell yourself NO. With enough practice, it becomes easier. It is a skill like any other. 2
candie13 Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 well, OP, you've said it. You are doing it. You think about it. if you want to stop thinking about it, do it. Read something else. Think about something else. What really helped me stop ruminating was mindful meditation - it made me aware of the negative and repetitive thought pattern I was stuck in. Another thing that helped was thought replacement - basically, if i tell myself to not think about something, it won't work. I need to replace those thoughts with other new thoughts. The moment I manage to create that switch inside my head, it gets a lot easier to make progress. I know it sounds stupidly easy, but running helped me get a lot of steam out and clear my head. Sleep better. Have a fresher outlook on life. That and reading. Find a writer you're passionate about and dive into his books. One hour of reading - I mean really reading, taking a mental break from ruminating - hell, even half an hour a day - makes miracles. It helps you break the pattern. It's really important to understand how you work so that you're able to use that self knowledge to better manage yourself, when you feel you're losing your reference points. This is not about the break up anymore. This a dysfunction in the way you've allowed yourself to think. And there are tricks to amend that, thus shortening the "grieving" period. Do some reading and experiment on yourself, a bit. The knowledge of yourself that you're going to get is extremely precious as it will help you get over your next break up much easier. You have to go through this ****ty period of time, anyway. You might as well learn something about yourself, while you're at it ! 2
xpaperxcutx Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Looking back distracts you from moving forward. No matter what you did or how wrong you are, you should accept that whatever was your fault were your faults; however, please remember it had took two people to be in a relationship. Once you stop the self-blame, stop rehashing what was. If memories come up or you start reminiscing, remember one thing, "It doesn't matter anymore". "It doesn't matter anymore" 1
Oregon_Dude Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 If memories come up or you start reminiscing, remember one thing, "It doesn't matter anymore"Again, I really like this mantra. It's in the past, doesn't matter, no amount of thinking about it will fix it. 1
AlurOne Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Like Oregon said you need to catch yourself doing it, and then stop it. Imagine a huge red stop sign when you do it. Then quickly replace it with a thought about something that makes you happy. Maybe there are only a few of those things right now, but have some thought on deck that you can always turn to. It's not easy at first but really you do need to (and can) take control of how much energy you spend on thinking about your break up. Don't beat yourself up over thinking about it, but take control. Also it really is incredibly helpful to start writing things down. The energy is stuck in your head, and you can literally transform it into something physical and store it on paper, freeing your mental resources little by little. 1
candie13 Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 writing stuff down can only help to a certain extent. After a while, it has to stop - the thinking, the waiting, the writing, everything. It's not healthy anymore... One way or another, thinking about the ex will keep him in your life. It's like living with a dead person in your house, how can you forget about it? 1
Mondmellonw Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 You will stop when you want to. Really, it IS that simple. I went trough the same: overanalyzed every detail. I got so fed up with myself that I decided to do a research on Budhism, and that really inspired me... You are able to control your thoughts. I hope things get better for you. good luck. 1
Liono84 Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 writing stuff down can only help to a certain extent. After a while, it has to stop - the thinking, the waiting, the writing, everything. It's not healthy anymore... One way or another, thinking about the ex will keep him in your life. It's like living with a dead person in your house, how can you forget about it? I totally agree with this^^^. There comes a point where you have to stop. You have to let it be and move on. Leave everything in the past. Don't allow yourself to hope for your ex to contact you, because by doing so, you can't move on. 1
YellowPetal Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 It's perfectly natural. I think it's worse if you're the one that got dumped. It goes on until you wear yourself out. The actual break-up wasn't that hard on me. Every time I started obsessing, I would use the word "stop" and the negative thoughts would go away. I took me 3 weeks to get better. Then I found out he was cheating on me and living with me for immigration purposes. It got really bad after that. I think it took me 2 months to stop over-analysing and to forgive myself for falling for someone so awful. It takes time, but eventually you'll only feel sweet indifference. 1
Oregon_Dude Posted August 25, 2015 Posted August 25, 2015 Here's the ultimate truth: the one that got away isn't The One. 2
Author realmly Posted August 26, 2015 Author Posted August 26, 2015 Here's the ultimate truth: the one that got away isn't The One. LOVE this! I hate how the idea of 'the one that got away' is always so romanticized.
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